Title: Astray Author: SunReyes ;) Rating: NC-17 Category: DRR/UST/ANGST/FRR Spoilers: Release Summary: After years of being apart John & Monica catch up on old times, what they had, and what they wish they had. Authors Note: This fic follows "Best of Friends" and takes places before John & Monica join The X-Files together. Life is truly a journey into the unknown. Looking back would we take the steps and change our lives and what we do during them? Or would we follow the same path, the same destination and end with the same fate? I've chosen my life, and it's directed me towards my inevitable fate. If I let chance take a course, would I have ended up on the same miss-guided direction that I've fallen upon? Some answers we might never know, but I'm willing to change my fate, even if it is too late change the conclusion that I'm dwelling on. I woke up, feeling something uneasy and rather strange looming in the air. I can't explain the feeling I had, but some presence of unknown origin was being emitted. I rolled over on the bed to feel Brad's body resting beside mine, and I remembered the night's events. Brad and I had been dating for nearly a year, behind closed doors, and he wanted more from our relationship. He came to my place last night, with a few roses, and asked me to consider something more committed and something not so secretive. I'm not the kind of girl to become scared from commitment but I felt there were some unresolved issues lingering in my past. To be honest at the time I couldn't even quite put my finger on it, until the phone rang at the very instant I retrieved the flowers from Brad. It was John on the other end of the phone and I couldn't help but smile that he remembered to call. It's been years since that night he stayed over, but it was years on this very evening. Years, since his final night living in New York, and spending it with me, before he left for D.C. I spoke with John only for a few moments because Brad becomes very impatient at times, perhaps that's another reason why what we have isn't working out. Anyways, John mentioned that he was in town Saturday and he wanted to catch up on old times. I pretended it was one of my girlfriends on the phone, because Brad is the jealous type, and I agreed to do dinner for tomorrow evening. When I put the phone down, Brad knew something was up. "Monica when was the last time I've seen that smile on your face?" He said and I couldn't even remember. I've been happy with Brad, well more content with what I have, only because I realize now that John wasn't looking for that sort of intimacy. I couldn't keep holding back, waiting my life to pass me by. Brad's been around and he's taken pretty decent care about me. I know he loves me, but I'm not sure I'll ever feel that deep love for him. I've always felt a certain vibe that is kind of `off' when it comes to Brad. It's probably nonsense, but the more I think about it, the more unhappy I become. Brad leans down and kisses my lips hot and fast. He's not one to linger and leave me teasing, he'd rather please, even if it's only himself. Don't get me wrong, Brad also can satisfy my needs. Maybe that's why I'm really with him. Hell I can't even explain it. I just know that I want someone, I don't want to wait around forever, and I don't want to settle for someone I'm not in love with either. His feisty fingers and energetic touch sends us right into the bedroom. Not long after he leaves me breathless and exhausted. I lie in bed remembering John's call and I once again feel like a schoolgirl, nervous and anxious to see him. If I'm correct it's been 3 years since I've seen him. I never called him like I promised because I felt I was only a burden in his life, holding him back, haunting him like the death of his son. I thought it would be best to move on with my life as well, and I had, but something tells me deep down, that Brad isn't right for me either. Brad's a charmer. He's the kind of guy that tries everything to win you over, but I don't need that. I'd rather have a simple life; maybe it's also wishful thinking on my part. What John and I have on the other hand is a sort of `best friend connection'. I remember some teasing and flirting going around but nothing would ever come of it. Nothing could come of it. After all, his son died and I was there as a friend. Not that I'm not now. Hell I don't even know that he's 100% over his son's death. I'm not sure if anyone can ever be, but I also don't know where this takes us. We're just friends I keep reminding myself, but then why do I feel so nervous? Sweaty palms, isn't that the feeling you get on first dates? This isn't a date I keep chanting in my mind; I have a boyfriend. Not that I don't care about Brad; I do tremendously. I'm just not certain love is the right word either. He's always seemed sort of I don't know, different. I mean he seduces me in his office, which I can't deny enjoying, but then he acts like goodie-two-shoes to his superiors. How come I'm the only one to see what's he's up to? Maybe that's what keeps me there with him. His bad boy image he's hiding from the bureau; the realization of our actions and the thrill of sneaking around our superiors. It's certainly enticing, but is that what keeps him coming back to me? The adventure and excitement of it all? Or is there something else? I might as well not dwell on if for the moment and I rest my eyes to let sleep conquer me. So here I am, it's Saturday morning, and I awaken to feel Brad's hands all over. At one time I use to cherish his touch, but now it only feels possessive. It hinders me and leaves me feeling confined. I sit up and feel the cool air rush to my skin. I can feel Brad's eyes watching me and I pull on my robe. I stand up and head to the bathroom for a shower. I know Brad and if I'm not mistaken he'll follow me into the shower, but right now I want to be alone. I need to be alone; I need time to think. I have a lunch date with a co-worker and dinner with John. My day is already booked and I can hear Brad jiggling the handle for the door to the bathroom. My robe has already been discarded and I turn on the shower so I can ignore the jiggle of the door handle. I can hear Brad slightly fuming and I can imagine him trying to pick the lock. I step under the warm spray of water and sigh as my troubles dissipate, if only for an instant. After a few minutes I turn the shower off, towel myself down, and pull my robe back on. I open the door to see Brad sitting on the bed, agitated. "You could have waited for me." He quips and I laugh. "Everything's about you Brad. Did you ever think that just maybe I wasn't in the mood?" He gives me this glare and looks at the clock. "I guess I should be going." He stands up and pulls his clothes on and looks over at me. "Are we on for dinner?" "I have other plans tonight Brad. I'll call you when I can." I say ushering him out the door. I lock it behind him and head towards my closet to find something to wear for lunch with Anne. Anne and I meet at a small Chinese joint, a sort of whole in the wall type place, but it was near the office, and she had to go back after lunch to finish some paper work. Anne's a fellow agent and friend of mine, and it's nice to have another female agent to go out and spend some time with. The boys become a hassle after so long. "Hey Anne" I say waving when I walk up to see her putting our name in for a table. We follow the hostess to our seat and look over the menu for a few minutes. After ordering our meals I have to tell her about the recent events, and not the ones with Brad. "Do you remember a couple years back, a New York Officer lost his son, John Doggett?" "Yeah Monnie I remember. He was the rugged type, damn well sexy. Poor guy though. What brings him up? You aren't still in his life, are you?" Anne's eyes light up and I'm not even sure I want to know what she's thinking. "We were just friends Anne. That was all, but he left for D.C. a few years ago anyhow. Well last night he called me, he wants to get together for dinner." "That's great!" Anne smiles and winks at me. "You'll have a nice hot guy around you. He'll need a place to stay, and I know you Monnie. You won't let him go home alone." She winks at me and a blush crawls upon my cheeks. "Anne!" I retort obviously embarrassed. "I hope that not what you think of me." I reply and she laughs. "We all know the way you and Brad Follmer look at each other. You can't tell me there's nothing going on between the two of you." Oh my god, how could she know? Our relationship has been kept quiet, and it's unprofessional and against regulations to be seeing someone at the bureau. "Brad Follmer? You've got to be kidding me Anne." "Monnie, don't lie to me. You know I'd never tell a soul. Just admit it. You and Brad have been shacking up for the past few months!" She exclaims wide-eyed and cheery. The thought of someone else knowing makes me sick and I excuse myself from the table to head towards the bathroom. I turn towards the back of the joint, and enter without looking into a small storage room. There's two men sitting at a table and I see the back of Brad's head and he's taking money from a suspect I recognize from a few cases he's been on. I can't believe this! My stomach flips and my heart falls to the floor. I feel my temperature soar and I feel hot and clammy, dirty too. I run out of there before I'm seen and I find the place I was searching for initially, I hang my head over the toilet in tears. Dry-heaving from the sight once before my eyes of Brad taking a bribe. How can this be happening? Are my eyes playing tricks on me? How am I ever going to be able to face him? What if he asks me why I'm upset? If he takes bribes, is he capable of more? Is there some other hidden secret that I haven't revealed about him? The nausea subsides, and I see Anne come into the bathroom looking for me. "What's wrong?" She asks and sees the tears pouring down my face. "I saw Brad leave the restaurant, he was in back? I came in to check on you. What happened?" I sit up from the toilet and come over to her, tears still pouring from my soul. I can't tell her the truth. I want to but I can't do it to him. "He was with another woman," I say and somewhere deep down I wish it would have been that simple. I wish it had been something sexual and not something moral. It would be easier to justify how I hadn't seen it coming. I guess I feel like I should have known, we weren't playing by the bureau rules, why should his job be any different. It's my own fault for getting involved. She comes over and embraces me with a hug and tries to soothe me. I'm not one to cry in front of others, but I can't hide the tears now. "Promise me you won't tell anyone." I say and she nods. "Whatever you want Monnie. But if he didn't see you, you need to tell him." "Yeah I know." I wipe my tears and head over to the sink. I run the cool water and wash the tears from my eyes. My face is still red and my eyes are glistening on the verge of tears, but I can't cry. "Why are you so upset Monnie? Think about it. You have a hot date tonight with John." "It's not like that" I say and she looks me in the eyes. "Tell me the truth Monnie. We've been friends since you joined the bureau, you can't tell me your not hung up on the old man." "He's not an..." and I trail off when I see her smiling at me. "See you do have a thing for him." She's smiling and a small smile is forming on my face between my tears. "It doesn't matter anyways. Don't you tell a soul Anne!" I say and she nods and motions that her lips are sealed. "I bet are food is getting cold." Anne says and I laugh. "I'm not really hungry. I think I'll just take it home." "I'm not letting you go home alone, until I know John's over. I don't want you doing anything stupid." I give her another hug and we head back to the table to take our meals home. "I won't." I tell her and she smiles at me. "Either way, I'm here for you Monnie." We head back to my place, and Anne's following me home. My cell phone goes off and I'm abit afraid to answer it. Could Brad have seen me? I need to know who it is, what if it's John? "Monica Reyes?" I say unsure of myself. "Hey Mon." I sigh hearing John's voice. "What's wrong?" He asks me, knowing too well that I'm upset. "I don't really wanna talk about it over the phone." I say and I do everything in my power to suppress the tears for just a little while longer. "You want me to come over?" He asks and if I weren't upset I'd actually hope for something, given his sweet tone. "Oh John." I say and then the tears begin to fall. I can't keep holding them in any longer, and I pull in front of my place to see my friend pulling up behind me. "I'm on my way over Mon." "Thanks" I say and hang up the phone. I step out of the car, and my friend notices me crying again. She comes over to me and gives me another hug. "I really hope that wasn't Brad." Anne says and I smile. "No actually it was John. He's on his way over, why don't you take off. You had plans for today. I don't want to hinder you." "Oh Monnie, you're not a hindrance. My plans? Me at work, how fun is that? Come on." She says and takes my keys from my hands and walks to my front door. She unlocks the door and opens it for me to enter. "You don't have to stay. I'll be fine." I tell her and she smiles. "I know. I'll leave when John gets here. That is unless you want me to take him off your hands for a few hours?" "Thanks" I say and roll my eyes as I smile over at her. She shuts the door and locks it while I sit down on the sofa. I lay my head back and rest my eyes. I don't want to cry anymore. There's no reason for it. I mean Brad and I had something, but it wasn't what I wanted. Maybe this was for the better, but I also trusted him. It sends a shiver down my spine wondering what else he hasn't told me. It also leaves me feeling, open and vulnerable; susceptible to any and all betrayals that come my way. I slowly feel sleep coming my way. I awaken to the touch of John's hands moving my hair from my sticky tear stained face. I jump at his touch. It seems so foreign, and yet it's not. It feels like ages since I've seen him, hell it's been three years, but I'll never forget what we shared. "Hey" I respond. I don't really know what to say to him. What do you tell someone you haven't seen in three years? Someone you care about but you let him go because you thought it would be best for him. He sits down beside me and I look into his deep blue eyes. "What's wrong?" He asks me concerned and I fall into his embrace, so easily it feels like it was just yesterday that I was with him. I lay down on the sofa, with my head in his lap and I'm facing away from him. I want to tell him, I just don't want him to think any less of me. "I've been seeing someone and things have taken a turn for the worse." "Oh Monica" he fingers his hands through my hair and brushes it away from my eyes. "It happens." John tells me and squeezes my shoulder in a sort of hug embrace. "I know, and I wasn't even completely happy with him but I sort of caught him doing something earlier." Do I tell John the truth? I haven't spoken to him in years, and I'm supposed to pour my heart out to him? I want to tell him, I'm just not sure that I can. I'm not sure I even want to admit it to myself. "He was with someone" John responds more of answer then a question and I let him continue. I never tell him that it's not the truth, but I don't tell him specifically it is either. "Monica, it happens everyday. I'm not saying it's right, but you're not the first to have this problem." "Gee thanks" I say and sit up to move away from him. He puts his arm around me from behind, once I'm sitting up and I sigh once again. "That's not what I meant Mon." John states. He brushes the tears from my eyes, ever so gently and I realize now that this is what I've been missing. Not just him, but the gentle kindness he bestows upon me. "You deserve someone better Monica, someone who'll be there for you always and forever. Who ever this guy is, he's not worth the heart ache." "I know. Silly thing is, I wasn't completely happy either when I was with him. I guess I don't know. I feel deceived, he should have told me." "Would you have listened to him?" "Probably not, but still." I say realizing we're talking about two different scenarios. "He doesn't even realize I walked in, and I can't just ignore what happened." I say and tears start streaming down my cheeks again. "You shouldn't have to." John states and presses a delicate kiss on my tears. "It's not that simple John." "Why doesn't it have to be?" John says and presses another kiss on my other cheek and his breath lingers a little longer and I hold my own breath; lips parting so near my own and I want to lean in just a touch more and kiss him, but he pulls back. "We work together." I state and he nods. "Well, what was your original intention, if and when the two of you broke up?" "To be honest" I take a breath-remembering if at all anything "I didn't think." I state. "We sort of rushed into things one night, and it's been addicting." "Yes sex can be." John states and grins over at me. "I don't mean just that. I mean the thrill of possibly getting caught too. It's a rush, and I never anticipated this. I guess I always had the thought of transferring in the back of my mind, if it came down to it, but where would I go?" "I can see if I can pull any strings to get you into D.C." John says and I rest my head on his shoulder. "Thank you" I tell him and rest my eyes. I feel the darkness swallow me whole, yet I feel safe in his warm caring embrace. I awaken to the realization I'm lying down in my bed, and it takes me a moment to recollect the events that have happened. I roll over to see the bed empty beside me and I let out a sigh, hoping that John hasn't left. I really hope I didn't scare him off earlier. I stand up and walk into my living room to see John resting on the sofa. He's sleeping soundly on his side and I walk over and kneel beside the couch. I place a light kiss on the top of his head and whisper "thank you." He rolls over onto his back and pulls my hands onto his chest. I'm not sure if he's awake or asleep until I see the small smile creep up on his lips. "How'd you sleep?" He asks me and I consider telling him I'd have slept better if he'd have joined me but this is all to new to us once again. Yes it feels right, but I'm now getting over Brad, and I don't want to be unfair to John either. "Good" I say and press a kiss down on his nose. "Thanks." "Anytime." He waits a moment and continues on with his sentence, "come here and lie down." John states and pulls me down onto him. I'm lying above him and I know this is what I want more than ever, but does he really want this? Does he just feel bad for me? Will this end up being some sort of pity fuck? I can't even ask him and he sees tears forming in my eyes. "I'm so sorry Monica" John states and rubs the tears from eyes. "You want me to talk to whoever this guy is? Tell him how to treat a lady?" I laugh at the thought of John roughing up Brad. I know John would win in an instant but John shouldn't have to fight my battles for me. I stand up and John sits up on the sofa. I sit beside him and he wraps one of his arms around me again. "Do you wanna stay in tonight?" John asks and I shut my eyes trying to hold back the tears. "Yeah. I'm sorry if I ruined your plans." I state and he shakes his head no. "My plans were to keep you company tonight for dinner. That was all I had planned. Although sometime tonight I need to check into a hotel." "Don't be silly John." I wipe the tears from my eyes, rest my head on his shoulder, and place my hand on his thigh unconsciously. "You're staying here. I won't take no for an answer." "Well only if you insist." John says and takes my hand in his, "but I'm not sleeping on that couch again." "Who said anything about the couch?" I reply and John chuckles. When was the last time I've seen John chuckle? Hell three years ago was the last time I've seen him. "So how have you been?" I ask him. "Pretty good. Things have been better of course, but life has been nice and simple since I moved." My gaze drops down to our intertwined hands. Did I cause him that much trouble and pain? He continues "but I do miss you Monica." I only now see him aching for something; the same thing that I've been searching an eternity for. Although I know now it isn't the right time for us to be together. He'll be gone soon, back in D.C. and I'll be left with the broken puzzle pieces of my life. "I miss you too, but we shouldn't get too close again." I say and he's starring at me, trying to decipher what I mean. My gaze still falls upon our hands and he lets go and pulls my face to his. "Why not?" John asks and his lips are mere millimeters away. I can feel the breath parting his lips and he the heat rising off his skin. "I can't lose you again. What I went through when you left, was" I pause trying to choose the right words "horrible." John squeezes me tight and presses a kiss to the top of my head. "Why didn't you call me?" "You should have called me" I retort and I hear a long sigh be exerted from him. "I wanted to." John says and he waits a moment and looks me in the eyes. "But I thought you were tired of me always bringing you down, asking everything of you. I thought that maybe you needed to be free of me, and I was giving you that opportunity." "Oh John." I say and press a kiss to his cheek. "It wasn't at all like that." "Then why didn't you call me?" John asks and his gaze settles on the floor. "Was it because you found someone else and didn't know how to tell me?" "No John it wasn't like that at all. I wanted to call you for years, but I thought I'd only remind you of your terrible past. I couldn't keep doing that to you. So I thought it would be best if I didn't call you." "Oh Monica, the way we met might have not been the most romantic, but we still met. It might not change the past, and the few years we've lost since, but the times we had together weren't so bad, were they? Can you imagine what your life would be like without me in it?" John asks me. "I wouldn't want to." I state and take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "I want us to stay close Mon." He tells me and runs his hand behind my ear to pull the hair from my face. "I really want this to work out. I do, but I can't take you living in D.C. and me in New York. If we were in the same city, then maybe it could work." "But since we're not you'd rather take the chance and miss out on the greatest thing in your life?" Tears slowly fall down my cheeks again. He just doesn't seem to understand. "The timing isn't so good. I'm about to break off another relationship, I'm just not ready to jump into something with someone else yet." "I understand" John replies and I can tell by his tone he's upset but we're also friends so I know it'll be alright in the end. "You still want to transfer to D.C.?" He asks me and I nod. "Yeah, I *have* to leave New York. I don't care where really. I mean I'd love to be in D.C., but so long as I'm not here, anyplace will do." "Gotcha" John replies and presses a light kiss to my cheek. "So what are we doing for dinner?" I ask John and he laughs. "Your friend, she put the food you guys didn't eat in the fridge and left hers here for me. Figured I'd need something to eat too." "What else did she say?" I ask interested and I curl up next to him. "She told me to take extra special care of you, and do whatever it is that is asked of me." My mouth falls to the floor. Would Anne actually say that to John? He's smiling now and I'm not sure if it's because he's teasing me or he realizes I'm embarrassed. "So you'll stay the night?" "I already said I would." John says and I nod. "But I don't want you to take the couch John. Right now you're the only thing in the world making my life seem so much simpler." "Alright then I won't. Although Monica, I refuse to sleep on the floor if that's where you're going with this." I can't help but laugh. He knows what I'm looking for tonight. I know he wants to give me that too, but he doesn't want me more upset in the end either, which I respect as a friend. Right now though, I could care less about our friendship. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I crave something else. The physical contact I've been longing for. Brad's touch wasn't sweet and innocent, it was rough and controlling. Right now I want to be in control. I want to take charge and be able to have a sexual relationship that isn't about satisfying ones needs but about satisfying our desires mutually. Maybe I'm just stuck on the fact of what John and I have a very unique friendship and I want that in a relationship as well. The phone interrupts my train of thought and I stare at it trying to decipher who it could be. "You want me to answer it?" John asks and I shrug. "I don't really care. I guess let the answering machine get it, because we're suppose to be out anyways." "Alright." John replies and he notices I'm shivering from the cold air of the room and my eyes are glistening from the pain that haunts me. He pulls the blanket from the top of the sofa and spreads it out over my body. "Here" he states simply and I'm curled beside John while the warmth of him and the blanket is relaxing me. I shut my eyes and a few tears fall, while I rest my head on his chest. My arms are wrapped around his figure and his strength is holding me together. Now I realize the impact and the strength I bestowed upon him three years ago. I feel John's fingers work wonders on my back. His touch is gentle yet soothing and I let out a deep sigh. "You're tense," John says ever so softly, and he places a light kiss on the top of my head. "Yeah I guess I am." I state and he starts kneading my shoulder muscles. His touch sends a shiver down my back and it also feels incredible. "I'm not hurting you am I?" He asks. "No John, that actually feels pretty good right now." I tell him. He continues to knead and massage my shoulders and do wonders on my back. His touch is electrifying and soothing at the same time. "MMM" I say as I feel his fingers work deep and alleviate some of the stress. My eyes slip close as I feel the world pass me by and for once I feel calm and settled. I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time and I want to do something about it. "John" I interrupt softly and his fingers pause for a moment and continue onward. "Yeah Mon?" His hands work at kneading my flesh and I feel like there's a barrier between us that I wish would dissipate, ah yes clothing. That would be it. "Do you mind if I take off my shirt?" I ask and I swear I can hear him gulping from the suddenness of my question. "Would you be more comfortable without it?" John asks and looks deep into my eyes. "Come on" I state and lead him to the bedroom. I have him sit down on the bed and I slowly begin to lift off my shirt. John stands up and says, "maybe I should wait outside for you to undress." "Don't be silly." I state and John still looks a little uncomfortable. "If you want you can just shut your eyes." I say and some tension seems to be released from his body language. His eyes slip closed and I remove my shirt and bra. I'm tempted to take his hands and have him run them along my chest. All in good time I realize and slide my pants off as well. I'm left in my black cotton panties and I lie down on the bed resting on my stomach. "All done" I state and John opens his eyes and I swear his color turns a nice shade of red. Maybe it's just the lighting. He steps on over to the bed, sits down and removes his shoes. He climbs on over and runs his hands along my spine gently, practically tickling me. I can't help but laugh and I turn my head to the side to look into his pale blue eyes. "You already know I'm ticklish." I state and he laughs. "I guess I do." He begins slowly kneading my shoulders and this feels so much better. Flesh upon flesh. His hands begin to warm up on my skin and they work their way down to the outline of my underwear. His touch is soft and tempting but I know I must suppress any urges that come my way. After all I'm not really in need of sex. I had that last night if I recall, but it wasn't this satisfying. "God John" I breathe in a deep breath and let it out. He stops and looks into my eyes. "Am I hurting you?" He asks concerned. "No, no" I sputter out. "Your hands are incredible" I state and I hear a small laugh from him. "I'm no expert Mon, but it seems like you've been pretty stressed out lately. You've got knots in your shoulders and back. You wanna tell me about it?" "About my knots?" I ask. "No Mon about what's been bothering you. Whatever stress you've been having has been building up. You're lucky you haven't had too much pain from it." "I guess I haven't let the pain get to me. I've had other issues to worry about." "Like?" John says and waits a moment for me to speak to continue onward with his fingers running along my back and lightly along my legs. "Just about everything. I don't want to dump all my problems on you though." I state and he continues kneading my flesh. I feel him rise over me and prop himself above the only clothed area of my body. He's kneeling now and I can feel his pants on my legs. It sends a chill down my spine at how clothed he is and naked I am. "You're not dumping." John tells me. "Think of it this way, I'm here for you in your time of need." "I'm not really that lost John" I state and shut my eyes. Who am I kidding? "You're just hung up on some guy who's not even worth half the trouble." He answers and I sigh. "I can't explain it John. It's more than that. Everything I feel like I've worked to achieve, I've lost." "What do you mean?" John asks me and runs his hands along my arms, gently rubbing the aching muscles and the tired pain away. I open my eyes to say what I want to say. I've needed to say it for some time now and I realize he's the only person I'd ever be completely comfortable enough to say it around. "I don't know. I guess finding out today that my relationship has gone to hell and I've been betrayed hits the top of my list, but like I said I wasn't even completely happy. I just feel like I don't know who I can trust anymore. I feel like I've been betrayed to the point where I can never love again and where I don't even know if I'd even want to. I feel like I've been used and abused by my latest boyfriend, and I feel like every time something good happens, ten million bad things steal the smallest glimpse of sunshine in my life." "Monica sometimes bad things happen to good people. You shouldn't give up all hope because of it." "I know but sometimes I feel it's not even worth trying." I tell him. I shut my eyes trying to shield the tears from breaking in but it's too late. I feel the bed dip around as he moves and he comes over to wipe the tears from my face. One hand rests on my back and gently rubs circles as the other takes away the pain. "I know Monica and right now you shouldn't jump into anything, you're right." He pauses his sentence and stops momentarily rubbing my back, then continues with both. "One day though, you'll find someone that cares about you as much as you do him and you'll be happy together and won't have this tension." John says and I move up to hug him forgetting I'm not wearing a shirt or bra for that matter. My arms wrap around his frame and he gently rubs my back and strokes the hair from my eyes. "Oh John" I say and cling to him as tears silently escape my eyes. "It's not just a relationship I want, but a friendship as well. There's not too many people I feel completely open with when it comes to my personal life." "I know Mon. I'm the same way. After Luke and all, but sometimes you have to learn to trust and accept people into your life. There's always a chance that someone might hurt you but you have to take that chance or you'll miss out on bigger and better opportunities." I look up into his eyes to see the most caring and considerate look I've seen in ages. He really does care and feel for me, even if it's only as friends, I can live that way. At least for now. John's hand absently falls from my back and reaches for my face. As he does so he absently touches my breast and I realize I'm exposed. I press him down onto the bed while still touching him so I'm not completely vulnerable and I lie with my chest downward on the mattress so my breasts aren't exposed to the crisp air. His arm snakes under me and I feel it slip around my breasts. His touch lingers for a moment and comes out and squeezes me for a hug. I rest my head on his chest and shut my eyes. "I'm so tired." I state and his hand brushes along my arm sending a chill down my spine. John reaches behind us for a moment and pulls the covers on over us. I rest my eyes momentarily and feel the rise and fall of John's chest. I feel myself lightly drifting off to sleep and he gently maneuvers me so that I'm under the covers and he can get off the bed. I hear him silently shut the door and I let out a sigh. Did I just scare him off? I really hope I didn't. I close my eyes momentarily and find myself awaking to the aroma of something cooking on the stove on the phone ringing. I sit up and feel a cool chill in the room and realize I'm still without much clothing and the phone stops ringing. I hear John in the background and I can only assume he's answered the phone. My thoughts travel and concern creeps up on me. What if it's Brad? I pull on a pair of pajamas, a camisole with matching boxers and step out to see what John's been up to. "Hey Monica" John says as he hangs up the phone and turns to see me entering the kitchen. "Who was on the phone?" I ask and John gives me a mischievous grin. "Anne. She wanted to make sure I was taking good care of you." "What'd you tell her?" I ask feeling a little nervous at the thought of earlier...me practically naked getting a massage from John. "Just that I tried to seduce you and use my charms but you were too smart for it." He leans down and presses a kiss to the top of my head. "You feeling better?" "Yes a lot actually. Thanks John" I lean in and give him a hug. His body feels incredible and I want to savior this moment forever. We release from the hug and I look over to see what he's been cooking. "It's almost ready." John says and I walk on over to the cabinets to pull out plates and set the table. I open the cabinet and I have to reach up on my tipi toes for the plates. I'm not short but it seems I have tall cabinets in this place. I can feel John's eyes watching me as I reach for the plates and my camisole shows my midriff. Although it's not like John didn't just see me practically nude. I feel him step up behind me and put his arms on my waist. "Here, let me." John says and reaches up to grab the plates. "You really should put them on a lower shelf" he adds after he pulls them down. "Thanks." I tell him and shut the cabinet doors. I lay the plates and silverware on the table and laugh at the thought running through my mind. "This reminds me of a date." I say and smile up at him. "Do you want this to be a date?" John asks me and moves in closer. He rests his hands on my waist and his face is right in front of mine, his mouth mere millimeters from my own coming closer towards mine every moment passing. I'm speechless right now. Hot from his touch, and from what I want. Only now do I realize how bad I've been longing for John and I can't do this to him or myself. He'll be gone Monday morning and I'll be left with a broken heart. I let out a sigh and turn away from him. Our lips never meet and I'm left feeling cold and helpless. He follows after me and places his hands on my shoulder to turn me around. "What's wrong?" John asks and I can't help but feel tears forming in my eyes. "This, us. It's everything I want, and I can't have it." I say to him and I sit down on the sofa trying to catch my breath. Trying to calm my nerves down and my anticipation of a kiss we nearly had and one I wanted more than ever. "Why can't you have it?" John asks as he takes a seat next to me. I rest my head back on the sofa and stare up at the ceiling. "You'll be leaving tomorrow, and I'll be even more miserable than I am right now." "Do you want me to stay?" John quietly whispers and pulls at my hand to hold in his. I turn my head towards him and say, "I want you to be happy." "You think that's in D.C.?" John asks me and I nod. "You seem happier when you're not here. When the past is just that, in the past." "I'm happier when I'm with you. Yes New York isn't the place I'd choice to be, but if you wanted me to stay I would." "I would never ask that of you John." I tell him and drop his hand from my own. "You have a life to lead. You don't need me trailing along and bringing you down." I quietly add "and I remind you of everything you lost." "That's not true Monica but if you stay here I'll have lost you." "I'm not staying here." I say. "I'm requesting a transfer Monday morning in my superiors office. I'm just not sure where I'll be going given my expertise." "Come out to D.C." John's eyes plead with mine and I let out a sigh and he takes my hand in his again. "Please." "I can't promise anything John. You know that. We'll keep in touch though." "Like we promised before?" John asks and gives me this look like he doesn't believe me. "That was different" I tell him and he nods. "Alright Mon. Whatever you say." I can't help but laugh and John wraps his arms around me to give me a nice warm hug. When he releases me he stands up and heads toward the kitchen to finish getting dinner together. When we finish eating he helps me clear the table and do the dishes. "It seems like forever since I had help around here, thanks." I tell him. He's washing the dishes in the sink and grabs a handful of bubbles while my back is turned. As I reach to put the dishes back in the cabinet, John comes behind me and wipes some of the bubbles on my back and when I turn around he gets the rest on my stomach where his hands rest. I can't help but laugh and gently swat him. "Hey now, you're suppose to be making me feel better, not making a mess." I tell him and he smiles down at me and laughs. "You're smiling now" He responds and I can't help but grin at him. "Yes I am, no thanks to you." I playfully tell him and race over to the sink and grab a handful of bubbles and blow them onto his face and wipe some on his neck. John's face turns mad in a playful banter and he grabs my wrist where the remaining bubbles lie and rubs them across my chest with my own hand. He seems to be getting some satisfaction from this maneuver and I can't help but roll my eyes. When he releases my hand I look down and my chest, stomach and back are wet. "Look what you did" I remind him "Now I have to change." John laughs and follows me into my bedroom. "This time are you going to watch?" I ask and he's quiet for a moment then answers. "Only if you're giving a free show." I usher him out into the living room and shut the bedroom door to get changed. I rummage through my clothes and realize I don't have another outfit that isn't as suggestive. I pull out my black lingerie with matching underwear and strip down. I watch myself in the mirror trying to imagine John's expression. It's not like he hasn't just seen me without much clothing on, but now I'm wearing something I feel is sexy and appealing. I open the door and step out of the room to see John without his shirt on and wearing boxers. "You wouldn't happen to have a spare shirt around, would you?" He asks me. I smile at his incredible body, it's been too long since I've seen him and touched him; really touched him. "If I'm wearing this, you don't need a shirt." I say and he grins over at me. "You look sexy Monica." John takes a breath and continues " damn girl, what are you trying to do to me?" I can't help but blush as he eyes me and takes my hand to pull me down onto the sofa. He sits down first and I sit down to fast and my legs wrap around his. Our limbs tangle together and are skin makes contact. His flesh is warm and he feels more alive than ever and I want him to be alive in me. "I want to feel again" I say and he looks at me trying to understand what I'm saying. I lean in to kiss him to slowly and he jumps up. "Monica, you're not thinking clearly." "So you're teasing me? About being sexy and beautiful.... It's all nonsense?" I ask him hurt and confused. "Why would you do that? Do you honestly think it makes me feel better? Now that I've made an ass out of myself?" I put my head in my hands and I can't even cry. I let out an enormous sigh and feel John sit down beside me. He rests an arm on my shoulder and gently rubs circles on my back. ** "Monica I told you how I feel and you told me what you want. I'm just trying to respect your wishes" "Well what if that's changed." I say with a slight frown on my face. He looks deep into my eyes and I can see he's hurting too. "Monica, I want you to be happy. That's what truly brings me happiness. I don't want you to regret something later on. If you want me to stop teasing you, I will. Just say the word." "It's not that." I begin and I can't even explain what I'm trying to tell him. "I know." He says and wraps his arms around in a hug. "I know." John reaches out towards the table and lifts the remote to turn on the television. I rest my head on his shoulder and my hand rests on his thigh. He pulls the blanket over us and I mentally trail my fingers inward and upward but I can't physically find the energy to do so. I hear the channels being changed and I shut my eyes imagining what it would be like to move to D.C. and work with John. I realize now that a relationship in the office would be precisely what Brad and myself are having now. I can't go through with that, darting around suspiciously, sneaking quickies every chance we get. I need to know it's about something more than sex and pleasure. I need to know he'll always be there. I gently drift off to sleep and John places a pillow on his lap. He gently rolls my body so I'm lying down on the sofa and he's sitting there fingering through my hair. It's a relaxing feeling and I fall back into a deep slumber. **************** I awaken to his soft movements of turning the television off and I sit up and notice it's dark in the room. "What time is it?" I ask groggily. "Late, come on let's head to bed." John helps me up and walks with me to the bedroom. I lie down and slip under the covers. I'm lying on my side facing away from John and I feel his arms slip around me. His skin is warm and comforting and his fingers lightly trail along my stomach. I suppress any urges of laughter and feel his hold become stronger and his breathing steady. After several minutes I turn my head slightly to notice John appears to be sleeping and with all the sleeping I've done today I'm wide- awake. Go figure. I could roll over and reach the remote for the television but I'll lose the feeling of John against me and I'd rather have him over TV any day. I close my eyes to really feel John's embrace around me and I feel a small shiver run down my spine. John's hands become restless for a moment and trail up my camisole. They reach under and press lightly beneath my breasts and stop. I slightly turn my head and notice John's express hasn't changed. He must be sleeping. I gasp as his hand trails along my breast and his finger teases my nipple. He gently strokes and caresses me and I'm not sure if I should stop him or move his hands lower to work their magic. His touch is incredible and highly arousing. I glance back to see if he's awake and he still has the same peaceful slumber on his face. I bring my fingers down my stomach and trail them around my navel and slowly inside my underwear into my curls. I begin working my fingers to the rhythm John has set and the pace quickens slightly. I feel my body arch as I tease my clit with my fingers and John's hand is working on my breast as the other one slowly maneuvers with a feather light around my stomach towards my curls. My body arches to the rhythm and I try my best to be quiet. I stifle every moan, and try not to arch to much so I don't wake John. Imagine how embarrassed I would be if I was caught in the act? Then again he should be embarrassed by where his hands, but that doesn't change what I'm doing. I slowly come down from my high and feel John's hands slowing down as well. I also feel something poking me in my back and I can't help but hold in a giggle. John intertwines are fingers, mine moist and his dry and I'm afraid the dampness will awaken him. I fall into a deep sleep after finding the much long release I've needed all day. The sunlight shines through the curtains and I recall the nights events. Was that a dream? I think to myself. Would I have actually done that? There's no way to know and I for one am not going to bring that up if he was asleep. I roll over to see John awake with a sweet smile on his face.