Title: Catharsis. Author: Bexbel E-Mail: Bexbel@aol.com Timeline: Fifth Season, ' The End' Archive: Anywhere, as long as my name stays. E Mail: Bexbel@aol.com Spoilers: Up to and including 'The End'. Keywords: Mulder and Scully Romance. Disclaimers: They are not mine, no money's received, yad di yar di yar.. Rating: R - NC17. Summary: X files ruined, emotions run high and low. Authors notes: Thank you to those who have hit the e mail button, to encourage me to take up my keyboard, again! Non shippers beware, lots of love and tenderness here..and just a tad of a story line. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx We've climbed the highest granite mountains, we've run through fields of yellow and gold, to find our goal, and still, we haven't found, what we're looking for. Now..oh my lord now, everything we built, found, saw, understood and achieved is blowing in the wind. Black, charred paper and card is all that is left, sodden and cold. The stench still in our nostrils, mingles with salt and water, leaking from our faces. No way back now. The road too long, time too short, the mountains too high, our hearts too low. Scully leans on my chest, as much to comfort herself, as me. I cannot take it all in yet. I'm numb, we're numb. I face her, she tries a smile, it's hard, looking at her face, I see the years are showing. Look at our lives, I don't now where we go from here. She takes my hand and leads me to the lift. Thank the powers that be, she is taking control. I stop, turn again to see the destruction, she tugs a little harder on my hand and we head home. ********************************************************************* Silence. I hate it. I've never been comfortable with it. Too many demons creep in, sneak up behind me. Like a child quivers under a blanket in a storm hoping the shadows aren't ghouls, I use noise as my blanket. When grief hits, when fear strikes, I joke. Seems like a good time. 'Hurry up Scully, the Nicks are on in ten!' my voice cracks the wall of silence making her jump, I attempt another smile, but neither of our hearts are in it. 'Mulder..' she offers consolation, but I stop her with a slight wave of my hand, pulling a smirk, not for her to bother. She nods understanding and fixes her eyes on the road again. As we pass my turn off, and watch it slip by, I don't bat an eyelid. I'm grateful in a way. My apartment is so dank and dreary at the best of times. Tonight I need the company. Her company. Like so many other times before, I need her. She instinctively knows when to talk, when not to. When to laugh with me, when to cry. When to touch, when not to. I know her pretty well too, God we should know each other inside out by now. It's been..what?..Five years?...Shit..five years! I know over the last two, we have become closer than lovers, we're married without the ring. What does a piece of paper mean anyhow? As my mind wonders idly, my ache returns. A gaping hole enlarges in my heart. The office, the files..all gone. Nothing, everything. I've had blue funks before, but this is something more. Jesus this is a hard one to 'bounce' back from. I'm angry, I'm so tired, I'm..I'm..selfish. 'I'm sorry Scully...are you OK? I haven't even asked..' she interrupts me, 'Yeah..I'm fine..' she cringes as she throws the standard response in the air. I manage a chuckle, albeit a tiny one, which in turn eases a wry smile from her. We pull up and exit the car. Walk slowly to her door. Both still harbouring thoughts that need to be addressed. But tonight is not the time. Scully has broken my bonds, loosened my chains. She's carried the burden of my shame, shared and eased my pain, in a multitude of predicaments. Gratefulness doesn't even come close. I see us as two opposing forces, dragged constantly towards each other. Tide to a shore, if you like. But I realise now, with enormous regret, that this is 'our' end. I think we both realise this. This invisible chain is weakened, only healed together for a few more days. Until we both move on. In other directions. ********************************************************************* We sit, both picking and playing with the dinner we threw together. Both our postures sloping to the floor. To sleep. To dream. To banish the horror. We don't speak a word. We don't have to. What else is there to say? With her voice soft, a little tight, she stands to clear the plates. I sip my water, watching her move effortlessly around her home. 'I'll clear up..you can bathe if you want..' she doesn't even look my way. I understand now, she needs me to stay tonight, neither of us is 'fine'. I don't know when, or how it happened, but at some point a long time ago. This little beam of light seeped into my heart and soul. Lighting the darkness, lifting the gloom, banishing the chill mists. Until somewhere deep down, I had a place to find refuge. My private little piece of Eden, to run to when things got too dark. I would run away there. Comforted by the knowledge that I could love, and be loved in return. Not the physical, but, emotional supportive kind. She can wound with a glance, she can tell me her thoughts with the raising of an eyebrow. It's a X file in it's self. I know when she bleeds, I know when her own demons have plagued her sleep. I know 'her'. And yet..I don't. 'OK..' I manage and head for the bathroom. Scully nods as I offer a smile and leave. ********************************************************************* She has laid out my old sweats and t shirt on the bed to change into. I don't see her as she slips quietly into the bathroom behind me. But I hear. The silence of the apartment is broken now by the music she has put on. Nothing to overtly loud but... easy. It's soothing as I listen to her shower running. My mind in uproar, thoughts of the days before nag me. I can hear myself huffing and sighing at each picture I see. Till finally I hear the water stop and realise, I was almost asleep. In that place not yet gone, but almost. 'Mulder?' 'Yeah..' I give drowsy. She is calling me, not waking me, just letting me know, we should sleep. I except her proposal gladly. ********************************************************************* I've never slept with Scully. Well not in the usual context. We have always left that area well alone. Although we have both thought about it. We are human after all. We have had too many obstacles to climb. Rules and unwritten laws to uphold. We have nothing now. Just each other. Thank God. We're not awkward or nervous, the 'sex' thing is not on our minds, just to hold each other is enough. It's what we need right now. Some one to cling to. She feels tiny against me, as I lay facing the ceiling, my arms protectively around her. Her cheek resting on my heart., snuggled in safe and warm. We sleep. ********************************************************************* As we sleep, I caress, it's therapeutic, her arms are warm, satin under my finger tips. Her perfume invades me, I breathe as deeply as I can, as if to store it within me, for when we no longer have this. My lips ache to plant a kiss on her but I'm afraid. If I start this, it will be harder to give it up. Which scares me more. This part has always scared me shitless... Her hair moves as she stirs gently. Lifting her head very, very slowly. My God she reads my mind..and I her's. She whisper to me two words, ambiguous to most, but I understand completely. And agree with a slight nod... 'No regrets...' her eyes tell me her soul. Each giving our permission, this slow dance begins. ********************************************************************* She has been a satellite around my soul, always there pulling and pushing the tides of my psyche. How did this flame hair'd lady get so deep into me? I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend. But as her lips touch my heart, I'm lost, and found. Her tenderness brings tears to my eyes, my throat closes tight and I gasps to suck in the air I need. I try to say what I feel, but words choke me.. 'Shhhh..' she soothes as she lifts up my shirt, removing it with ease. Her hands caress the fine hairs on my chest, I watch her, her brow furrows with concentration. Memorising every millimetre of me, my torso, my arms, my face. Where her eyes travel, so do her fingers. If I had to explain it, it would be a kind of reverence. As if she were touching something so taboo or sacred. A forbidden fruit, suddenly offered without the curse of mortal sin. I suddenly realise how much I'm loved, and my heart twists in my chest, and the tears I'm trying to hold back, break passed the barriers and flood my face. I feel ashamed, for denying myself to her, and her to me. Her touch is calm and deliberate. Finally her eyes meet mine, And she is no better off than me. Tracks of tears evident on her flushed cheeks. 'Scu..lly..' my voice breaks, I cannot console her. She wipes her eyes, flicking her hair behind her ears, her hands reach for the bottom of her oversized night-shirt and pull it up and off in one fluid motion. She 'is' lovely. Her skin glows, with the florescent street lights. throwing shadows everywhere on her body. I want to touch, to feel but am a little scared, I'm not the only forbidden fruit. Her tiny hand reaches for mine, takes it and moves it to her breast, instantly she releases my hand, and supports herself with it on the bed beside her. Her eyes slide shut as I follow the curves of this mound of flesh. It awakens with my digits gliding over it. A sigh from her throat encourages me. Everything has slowed down. My member begins to awaken. Without opening her eyes, her free hand travels to my waistband and eases my sweats down, over my organ. I dare not remove my hand from her, for fear it will never return. I manage to ease the sweats off my feet. And as I return to my previous reclining position, her eyes catch mine. She doesn't wait, she leans up to me, and traces my open mouth with her tongue, 'Oh.' comes from my throat as she prods gently at my lips to open further, to allow her inside. I oblige gratefully. Our tongue parry and jostle endlessly, for an eternity. So slow, so tender, so sweet. Neither of us needing to break this connection. We breathe in unison, through our noses, so not to stop. I allow her to explore, knowing I'll be offered the same treat. We know how we taste, how can we not? My mind is racing, wanting to please this intoxicating woman, I try to remember in what order, this foreplay should continue. It's been a very, very long time since I 'made love' to anyone. I have fantasised, sure but, I never expected, us to be gentle or so slow. Don't read me wrong, this is exquisite. With all that pent up emotion, I presumed we would explode at each other. Passion ripping through us, unable to control ourselves. But I suppose this is different. This is our first and last time. I'm in no hurry for this to end. Obviously, neither is she. With that last thought in my head and my hands on her breast, she climbs over my hips and settles her small, slick heat above my organ. I want to scream..I want to sob. But my mouth will 'not' stop playing with hers, until she inches back a tiny fraction and she eases herself down on to me, into me, around me.... As we join our mouth stop moving, inaudible gasps of pleasure switch from one an others mouths. Sublime oneness. My body shudders suddenly, realising it has reached a part of myself which had been so very lost, for such a long time. She doesn't move for minutes, not even twitches, a thought flashes through me, Jesus I hope she's not dead! But I feel her warm babies breath on my lips, she slowly sinks to my chest and holds me, close and hard. I do the same. My hands stroke long and tenderly down her spine, as reality dawns. Like the first rays of sun, as it splits the morning. We have walked slowly over the line in the sand and swiped it away with our thirst for each other. It wasn't hard, the ground didn't swallow us. No one can see, or hear. As long as I walk this earth, with or without her by my side, I'll remember this moment. ********************************************************************* Her hands moved up to my chest, and teased my nipples gently, I love that.. My hands gravitated to her pert breasts, I lift myself up to capture one and suckle. And I suckle.. and kiss.., lave..., and suckle. Her hands hold me to her, coaxing receiving my love without reservation. I can feel our loins awakening more and more, her slick heat begins to throb on me, she pulls my head away slowly, and captures my mouth again. Oh boy this lady loves to kiss. Deep long French kisses. All languid and steamy, she begins to move her hips, infinitesimally against my engorged member. Her eyes closed still, mine drinking her all in, I'm in owe of her. Two hard thrust and I'll come. I'm that close. I'm ashamed to say. I've always been a little trigger happy. That's why I've always concentrated on the foreplay. But this is incredible. I'm wondering how she knows. Can she really read my mind? How can she know my body so well? Her tiny movements and moans are alien to me, as I'm used to the constant cries of 'harder, faster' 'grunt grunt' of my video collection, not to mention Phoebe, who woke the neighbours, in the next county! This..this,... is far more superior, more erotic, and so unselfish. I love her even more than I thought I could. I feel her tighten on my organ, sliding up and down, with more precision but not any faster. My breath leaves my lungs in silent rushes. I've never been made love to like this, it is usually me doing the work. This is her gift to me. My hand and then thumb, finds where we join. Finding her clitoris, I slide my digits left to right, over and over. Her eyes open directly to mine. She licks her lips, and nods her approval. I'm thankful for her delight. Her languor is sensual and smooth, she is the most sexiest lady I've ever known. I feel privileged to be with her. We have been like this for an hour maybe even longer, I have her to thank. She has kept us both on the edge of heaven for so long. So expertly. 'Your incredible...Dana..' I whisper, She rewards me with a huge smile, one I don't see very often. Only on my birthday or at Christmas. I believe she has taken my compliment as 'my' gift. 'Sorry Mulder..I'm being.. very selfish, I..don't want.. this to end..' her tone coy, and a tad embarrassed. She has nothing to be embarrassed about. Her sugar sweet voice washes over me, like a wave, and I feel my member swell in response. 'Neither do I..' I remove my thumb from her, causing her to sulk a little at it's loss. But her sultry grin returns. I don't know which one I prefer. They are both luscious. 'You keep doing what your doing and I 'I'll be in you forever...' I add a little glib, but she likes it, and leans in for another long, lazy, wet, sensuous kiss. ********************************************************************* I feel the storm coming, her's and mine, it's not a moment of vigour or zeal. Only a step by step climb to the summit. A rapture precedes it, which makes us hold hands, entwine fingers, and look as deep into each other, as we can. I'm desperate to watch, to see her loose it, and cry out, or ride me with venom. But she will not. She cannot. If we do, we will miss it, drawn into our own zenith, only to miss each others. That wouldn't do this time together justice. So we climb and squeeze hands, wanting to complete this story, but if we do, we also end it. OH God why is it never an easy choice for us? Finally, neither of us can hold on, we are near exhaustion, emotionally and physically, so we nod, both agreeing to see what lays beyond for us. I feel her squeeze hard on me, I jerk up, enough, enough..My mouth opens, my eyes transfixed on hers, a curve on her lips. Fire flowing from her hair, the first tremor, and I feel my loins erupt so hard, it almost hurts, oh....but sweet, sweet pain, precedes the acme. Barely my eyes watch as she feels me spurt my soul, deep in her womb. Then she is there, motionless, forcing down harder onto me, gripping tight, not breathing, again I jerk, as another rage washes out through me. 'Mul..oh..' her head flies back her neck arched and she relaxes into her orgasm, allowing it to pleasure her and me. To milk me.... The tempest rages on and on, we no longer can see with our eyes. Light from dark replaces vision. Only sensation survives the tumult. In the moment that you love someone, the second that the hammer hits, reality runs up your spine, and the pieces finally fit. Two stars colliding, like she and I, our shadows can blot out the sun. We tremble, and sob. Emotion can be a crazy thing. A sacrosanct act, evoking such a response, of tears of elation, and yet tears of sorrow. Clinging to one another, as if we were both being separated, like twins at birth. We slide into one another, joining as one, for a few brief moments. Till neither knows where she begins, or I end. ********************************************************************* My loins wither and slip gently from my lover, a little moan escapes her, as she wipes her eyes and lifts up to look at me. Our bodies begin to still. Wiping my eyes with her hands, she kisses my lips gently, I hold my breath, not wanting to hear the words I know she will say. Something like..you should go..it will be easier..or we shouldn't have done that.. or.. fuck I don't know. I just don't want to hear it. 'Mulder...?' gracefully she slips to my side and pulls up the tangled covers over us, still holding my hand. 'Don't!..don't say it!' I chastise hoarsely. She looks stunned, I sit up, against her head board. Annoyed.. 'Mul..der..?' she tries again, a little more gently, not in Dr Scully mode. 'Just don't!' I take a deep breath and carry on as she stunned, listens to me rant, wave my arms and gesture violently, as I leap from the bed, and wander aimlessly around the room. Like a lost dog. 'You're not going to put what we just did down to pent up emotions, or we 'needed' a shoulder to cry on..Oh No!..' I pace..she listens. patiently, cocking her head up on her hand. Unashamed I can see every curve and slide of her luminescent body. I continue..only slightly distracted.. 'What just happened was...was...incredible, amazing...no!....INCREDIBLE!..And I will not let you..' she interrupts my flow, to agree. 'Yes it was and your repeating yourself..' speaking calmly..a little jest in her tone. A smile gathering on her lips, like a moon beam about to brighten the night sky. 'Shhh!..I haven't finished!..' I turn and see her. I'm totally confused..totally. 'Go on..and -I -will -not- let- you..?' she pushes repeating my half interrupted sentence. But her smile is disconcerting. I calm myself feeling how bloody adolescent I am, slump to the bed beside her. 'Dana..I love you, I loved the X files, but you more, I not giving up on either..I mean this, that was, you were...we were..oh shit you know what that was..' I'm lost and mucking this up utterly. So I stop, take a deep breath and lay back with a thump. There is a few moments of silence. She's still watching me. 'What I was going to say was..' she starts in a sarcastic tone, but with tenderness, I open one eye to see her. ' Was yes. Wow. 'Cathartic' experience. We just created our own X file.' she chuckles sweetly at me. 'Wow? You thought Wow?' I need to know. My ego needs it. This is Scully we're talking about. 'Ar ha' she nods with a wickedly sensuous smile on her lips. I kiss her roughly. She chuckles again. 'Ulder..?' she tries my name with my tongue plunged in her mouth, bad timing on her part. 'What..?' 'I have a confession to make..' she is serious now. 'What?.' I'm fondling her breast, her stomach. Every where, I cannot believe I'm allowed to. I can't get enough. 'The X files..' she gasps with a little surprise, as I start to be aroused again. 'What about them?' now I ease her back to the bed. My hands open her legs, my mouth trails kisses down her thighs and back again. She starts to loose her train of thought. 'Mulder..?' I ignore her and take the plunge, heaven... sweet, 'fucking' heaven! She lets me do it. To taste her, her most intimate, most secret place. Total trust in me. 'Holy shit Mulder..Oh ..' she whimpers, my darling, whimpered! I stop to ask her about the x files. She groans audibly. 'X files?' then I return to my seduction. 'Oh....files....there oh 'just' there..back up..oh..' I stop again. obliging her by backing up her folds a little, she chuckles through her sexual stupor. 'What?' I mumble. 'I've got ...most...Je..sus.. on back up..' I stop. She stops. I take another look at her as she strains down to see me between her thighs. Then it hits me, like a jackhammer. The light bulb appears above my head.... Disc, back up. Oh.. the clever SOB! 'Sculleeeee..' I chastise, growling at her as she scoots up the bed, away from me advancing on her. Scared that I may maim her or worse, for putting me through the last day. She begins to explain, in a nervous ramble.. 'Well you are hopelessly messy, and I had a little fore thought and disc'ed them all..well nearly all.' 'You..clever, beautiful, sensual, incredible red head.!' I leaped on her and kissed her so hard. My world complete again. With benefits. 'I 'love' you..Dana Katharine Scully..' punctuating every syllable. 'Ditto' shyly she gives me back. 'Say it..' I urge..'It's easy when you know how..' With my best puppy dog smile. She shakes her head, blushing. 'Hey come on I showed you mine..?' 'Make ya' deal..' I nod. 'Make me scream it..' I raise my brows at her, I didn't expect that from a good catholic girl, that's for sure. 'And how might a mere mortal get the enigmatic Dr to do that?' I challenge. Pause, smile from her and a blush.. 'As you ..were?....' she offers shyly. Even before she had finished her sentence I began again. Tongue working gently coaxing her to another climax. 'Oh Mulder..no one has, I mean, I've never felt..Oh..' mixed with elation, coyness and whispers. I continued. 'This is what I'm best at..' not missing a beat, a few seconds later she is writhing beneath my ministrations, flicking frantically at her protruding, swollen nub. Her hands in my hair, urging me with words of encouragement. 'I' she pants, huffs. 'Love' a hiccup of arousal as the shock wave starts it's journey. 'You..Love you..' a sob croaks from her throat, I watch as her hair flames out around her pillow. Her legs quiver and her body trembles. Magnificent. ********************************************************************** I wait beside her, calming her body with tender caresses. Till she come back to me. Slowly she does. 'Thank you..' she whispers and rolls beside me to spoon as close as we can get. 'Your very welcome.' I offer, glad to oblige. 'I need to sleep Mulder...you've done me in..' 'Like wise m'lady' I mumble and fall to sleep. The rest can wait. We have all the time in the world. Now. ********************************************************************* Wait a minute...If she knew about the files before we..we made love. Was she just taking advantage of my emotional state? Oh what the hell END. Email, write me, feedback, anything for gods sake! Write to poor sad fanfic writer: Bexbel@aol.com. Thanks a million.