TITLE : Decisions
AUTHOR : Brigitte
Xbri@gmx.net 
RATING : NC-17
CATEGORY : MSR
SPOILERS : The End/The Beginning, TF/OS and some minor
references to earlier episodes
ARCHIVE : Yes, please let me know
DISCLAIMER : They don't belong to me, unfortunately.
Just borrowed them to play
FEEDBACK : Oh yes, please let me know, what you think
SUMMARY : Scully can't take it anymore, she has to
come to a decision.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know, you over there don't have to deal
with Fowley anymore, but in Europe we still have to
suffer. <g>

Thanks to Teresa, Hannah and Shell for
their great beta and their support
XXXXXXXXX

It is so peaceful and calm here. I'm sitting on the wooden
bank under the old oak tree as I've done many years ago. A
soft breeze is pulling on the branches and the colored
leaves above me are whispering slightly.
The golden sunset is tinting the surroundings in a warm
light and I'm glad that I have brought along my sweater,
because it's getting chilly in the evening. I just love
fall days here in New England. I enjoy spending hours and
hours outside, just taking in the wonderful play of
colors and gathering the last warming sunbeams.

Soon it'll get dark and I'll have to go back to the house.
Like the last three days I'll spend the evening sitting on
the comfy couch near the fireplace, wrapped in a blanket,
reading in one of the books, I purchased some time ago,
but never have had the time to look at.

Yes, I have to admit, I'm possibly avoiding issues too
hard to deal with by hiding here in my aunt's lodge, where
I've spent wonderful days when I was a child. But I need
some time. I need time to be alone. To think about this
mess, so I can get some things straight.
I've been so tired. Tired of these fights, of his doubts
and his selfishness. So I gladly accepted my aunt's offer
to spend my vacation here in her beautiful house. If I had
stayed at home, he wouldn't have let me alone. He'd call
me again and again, just to engage me in an insignificant
conversation about nothing. When he cannot be around me,
he at least has to listen to my voice.
Remembering my last trip to Maine, a smile escapes my
lips. I didn't count his calls, but I even wasn't allowed
to take one of my relaxing bubble baths without the phone
ringing.

Right now I just can't bear to be near him nor to hear his
voice, so I decided to take some time off. I won't forget
Mulder's surprised look when I asked for a week of
vacation after we had handed our report to AD Kersh.
Actually, Spender had given up and wanted us to get back
to the X-Files, but right in this moment I didn't care
about it. I just wanted to get away, as fast and as far as
possible.

After Kersh granted me this week, I turned and left his
office. In the hallway I heard Mulder following me. He
grasped me by the shoulder and turned me around, so I had
to face him.

"What is this about Scully? You can't leave now. I'm sure
we'll get back to the X-files soon and..."

"Mulder, let go of me." I interrupted him and I almost
regretted it when I saw his face pale. His lips trembled
and I could see he was at a loss of words. He only could
stare at me.

"Please, Mulder. I need some time for myself. I just have
to think and clear some things in my head up.

"It's because of Diana, I suppose?"

I almost couldn't hold back a groan when I heard him say
her name.

"It's not only about her. We're on a turning point now. As
you say it's possible that we get reassigned to the X-
Files. Right now, I'm not quite sure whether I want to
come back. You know, the X-Files have become a part of my
life. I got entangled myself and I really would like to go
on. I want to get answers and I want to search for the
truth, but I have to take care of myself now. I'm tired.
Tired of fighting, of laying obvious proof before you,
just to be doubted again."

"You'll leave?"

"No, Mulder, you have to believe me. I'll spend some days
in New England, in my aunt's lodge. I need some time away
from all this to find a way to handle what has happened
lately. I'll be back next week. Please, try to
understand."

Mulder was looking at me with an anguished face, so I
almost wanted to give in. Gathering all my strength, I
grasped his hand and squeezed it slightly. Ignoring the
painful wrenching of my heart, I turned away and left him
standing in the hallway.


Shivering by the cool of the evening and troubled by my
memories, I get up and walk back to the lodge. I light a
fire and warm some soup for supper. I've been here now for
three days and I'm really enjoying the break. Until now
I've been able to keep myself busy. I'm spending my time
doing some shopping, some gardening. The sunny autumn
weather is inviting, and I take my time to explore the
surroundings. First above all, I'm sleeping a lot. It
seems that I just need it. Looking at my face in the
mirror I can see that the dark shadows under my eyes are
disappearing. I've even got some color on my cheeks and I
really feel rested.

But today I can't defer it anymore. I have to face what
has been troubling me for some time now. Finally I'm here
for this reason. I put some of my favorite CDs in the
player and sit down on the couch, tugging my knees under.
Listening to the piano recital I feel the emotions wash
over me.

I miss him. Miss him so much. I don't think that he's
aware of my feelings, of my insecurities. I've been in
love with him for a long time. I can't exactly spot the
day when I recognized that I love him. But now I can't
deny anymore that I love him with all my heart.

>From the beginning I knew that he's a very special man. Oh
no, it's not just his good looks, although I won't deny
that I really like what I see. And I certainly noticed
all these appreciative, lustful stares from women we've
met working on a case or even in the Hoover building.

It's rather his caring and soft heart he uses to hide
behind his jokes and innuendoes. His readiness to stand up
for others when they need help. His loyalty, his honesty
and his strength in his beliefs.
I've really thought that our partnership is running deep.
We're friends, best friends. We've lived so much together
that I always had been sure nothing could threaten the
unique bond between us. Till now, I was convinced that
he's trusting me unconditionally. After all we've gone
through. After all what I've lost on this search for the
truth.

No, I'd never blame him for anything I've had to endure.
It has been my own decision, my choice to stay with him
and to go on. Although I'm very aware he'll always blame
himself. I can't make him stop feeling responsible for
what happened to me and my family. It seems we both have
to carry quite a bundle of guilt.

I can clearly remember the day when all started to change.
The Gibson Praise case. All the agents working on that
case were gathered in the briefing room and we were
listening to Spender's performance. As so often, Mulder
was able to discover more than us, and he was submitting
his theory to us when she suddenly began to speak.

Oh silly me. My first thought was, how good it would be to
have some female support and company in this boy's club.
How could I be so naive and ignorant? I had not seen or
heard of Agent Fowley before, but it soon was quite clear
to me that something was going on between her and Mulder.

But I felt offended when I got to know that they had
worked on the X-Files together in the beginning. Offended,
because he had never mentioned her. He almost never
talked about the time before we had been brought together.
He'd never told me that he'd worked with someone else on
the X-Files. Now at least I know why he kept this hidden.
Oh and I was devastated, when Frohike revealed that Fowley
had been Mulder's 'Chickadee'. His 'Chickadee'...whatever
this means. Actually I rather don't want to know. Even
when this had been years ago, I can say, that there still
is something left of this time.

Yes, I just have to admit, I'm jealous. I'm raging with
jealousy and it takes all my strength to hide it. When I
saw them in the hospital where Gibson had been tested,
holding hands, smiling at each other, I felt as if my
heart would break. I felt sick and battered and I just
couldn't face him right at that moment. I didn't wanted
him to see me in that condition, because he certainly
would have wanted to know what had been bothering me.
Making him come to the office, I confess, was on the one
hand a chance to get him away from her. On the other hand,
I hoped to be able to regain my composure by the time he'd
arrive at the office.

But for Christ's sake who does this woman think she is to
doubt me in front of everyone in Skinner's office,
without knowing anything about the results I had in my
hands? Results, that for the first time meant proof. I had
the pictures of Gibson's Computer Tomography , the EEG and
the neurological tests. Just like that she cuts me down,
without letting out that she's interested in the X-files
herself. Mulder just nodded at her interjection and when I
saw how he looked at her, I felt as if he just had punched
me in my guts.

My goodness, what was it with Mulder these days. We
finally had proof. Gibson Praise could be the key to
everything in the X-Files. But Diana Fowley just swept it
away with a few words. I can still hear her voice: 'How do
you quantify the spiritual? It can't be done.'
Yada, yada, yada...and Mulder, this eloquent, brilliant
partner of mine, didn't come up with one single reason why
we should grant this assassin, who had tried to shoot
Gibson, immunity from prosecution. Why it would be so
important to make him talk. Mulder, who is never able to
shut up, not even when he's riding us in deep shit, just
kept quiet and obviously forgot all about the truth and
our search.

I really felt the need to throw up right in Skinner's
office. Fortunately Skinner dismissed us after that and
made Mulder stay, so I had the chance to save me to the
lavatory, where I retched and vomited painfully until my
anger subsided.

It was pretty hard to work with her on this case and I
almost couldn't stand to be in the same room with her. But
I really never wanted her to be shot. As much as I dislike
her, I was perplexed by the news that she had been injured
in the line of duty. When Mulder and I arrived on the
crime scene she was about being loaded onto an ambulance.
She was unconscious, and to my shame I have to admit that
I was relieved when I saw Mulder's quite careless reaction
to her injury. Well, I can say, he was concerned. He
briefly held her hand, but he didn't wanted to go to the
hospital. He seemed to be more interested to know what had
happened to Gibson.

We didn't see Fowley again until our return from our
adventure in Antarctica. Sometimes I wonder whether Mulder
would also have gone after Fowley, if it had been her that
had been taken. But I'll never ask him this question.
Maybe because I'm afraid of his answer.

This incident in Fort Marlene, the Center for High risk
decontamination and quarantine, is still bothering me.
I was so angry. They treated us like fools. All this
quarantine crap just to get their hands on Cassandra
Spender. From the beginning it was obvious, that this all
was feigned and Diana obviously enjoyed her power. She
knew, that I knew. Walking in without an overall exposed
her. She knew that neither Cassandra Spender, nor Mulder
or I was infected.
I was furious back then and Mulder's reaction to calm me
down just made me more upset. He really tried to make fun
of it, to lighten my mood.

Every word of our dispute is still haunting me. I angrily
said to him: "Mulder, this stinks, and not just because I
think that woman is a...well, I think you know what I
think that woman is."

He just replied sarcastically, " No. Actually, you hide
your feelings very well."

Now this really was great. I was raging. I was accusing
Fowley of foul play. I was green with jealousy. And he
just told me that I was hiding my feelings well. That really
must have been the understatement of the year. Sometimes I
wonder whether all this turmoil is just spinning in my
head and on the outside I seemed to be quiet and
reasonable.

Fowley's appearance seems to have changed our professional
and our personal live. Mulder and I have a very special
relationship. It is built on trust, respect, the common
fight to find the truth, even on love and some strange
kind of dependence.

As much as I hate it to admit, I can't imagine my life
without him. He's become the center of my universe. The
sun I'm turning around. I need him. I need his proximity,
his hovering over me, his calls at any time, his
innuendoes and his jokes. As annoying as it sometimes is,
I love our banter and our late night discussion about the
strangest theories. I'm so afraid I'll lose this. I don't
want to share the X-files, our search, and I don't want to
share him.

Finally, I can feel hot tears in my eyes and I realize
that I've never before been as honest with myself as I am
now. Far way from him I'm able to let go at last. I'm
shaking now and I can't stifle the sobs coming from deep
inside of me. I've kept all those emotions bottled up and
hidden in a secret place. Now they all want to be freed.
They struggle to the surface of my conscious and seem to
overwhelm me. I can't fight them and I fall down on the
couch, cuddled like a baby, crying and sobbing until
merciful exhaustion makes me fall asleep.


End of part one


XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

From: "Brigitte" <Xbri@gmx.net>
Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 14:29:37 +0100
Subject: xfc: Decisions (2 of 4)
Source: xfc

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Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit




Decisions ( 2 of 4 )

by Xbri@xmx.net

see part one for disclaimer




Three days. It's only three days that she's away. Three
fucking days and I already miss her. Miss her like crazy
and I just don't get anything done. During the day I'm
sitting in the office, surfing the net and jumping from
one adult webpage to the other. But it's just no fun when
Scully isn't around to remind me that I'd better be
working on some, as I think, rather unimportant expense
report instead of enjoying the 'Playboy' website.

I'm bored endless. I miss her eloquence, her challenge and
her spirit of contradiction. I'd like to tease her with
some of my silly insinuations and she'd look at me with
her incredible blue eyes, wiggle her eyebrow and dismiss
me with an amused smile playing on her luscious, red lips.

So I leave work early, try to get some diversion by going
for a run and end up sitting with the guys over pizza and
beer, discussing some weird new articles about artificial
intelligence.
When Frohike asked me one evening whether they'd be
blessed by the arrival of that hot red-haired partner of
mine, I just shrugged my shoulders and turned away, not
bothering to give him an answer. None of them mentioned
Scully again and it seems to me that they know more. I've
spotted their hidden glances, full of pity.

I know that Scully has been here without me. Some days ago
she obviously came to the boys, asking for help to pull up
anything on Diana. None of them told me what they have
been talking about and what Scully actually was interested
in. She called me then to come over, because she had found
something she wanted to tell me.

No, I don't want to remember this short but fatal
conversation. It's still in my mind as if it had been
yesterday. Does she really think that Diana is playing me
for a fool? I'll never forget Scully's eyes when I
answered her, that I know Diana and she doesn't. Suddenly
all the brightness in her eyes extinguished and they
turned opaque and lifeless. Hell this gave me the creeps,
but instead of listening to her I just had to go on to
doubt her. Nothing she came up with reached me, I just
didn't wanted to hear it.

Maybe I was just being stubborn. I don't like to be wrong.
Actually, as suspicious as I am, and thanks to my studies
in psychology, I think I'm quite a good judge of men.

When I first got out of the academy and had just
discovered the existence of the X-Files, Diana and I met
and we found out that we were both interested in these
kinds of cases. We worked together for some time. We
became friends and somehow, after awhile, we even got
involved. We spent a lot of time together, and I'd like
to think that this meant as much to her as it meant to me
at that time.

I must say, that Diana surprised me when she abruptly left
for another job in Europe. I couldn't understand how she
could just leave like that. Obviously, the work with the
X-Files, the search for the truth, and our relationship
wasn't as important to her as it was to me.

We separated as friends. And although we lost contact, I
just can't imagine that she'd turn against me. That she'd
be able to betray the bond we once shared.

Maybe this is the reason why I just don't want to listen
to Scully. I don't want to learn that this really meant
nothing to Diana. But still, all I can think of right now
are Scully's eyes...the hurt and loss I could see in them
because of me.

I tried to save as much as possible and when I said she'd
make this personal I got devastated by her answer. Every
word of hers is still engraved in my memory and there
hardly isn't a day I don't replay this scene in my head.

'Because it is personal, Mulder. Because without the FBI
personal interest is all that I have. And if you take that
away then there is no reason for me to continue.'

For the first time she walked out on me and without
hesitation she left me standing there.

I still can feel the panic that threatened to overwhelm
me. I had to struggle to breathe, my heart was beating
wildly and I just couldn't do anything to hold her back.
I think I've never seen her hurt as much before. No
flukeman, no liver eating mutant, not even when she was
fighting cancer, inflicted by the consortium, caused her
to consider to leave the FBI.

It seems I've really managed to make her give up. Not only
the search for the truth, that has also become her search,
after all she and her family had to go through. I'm aware
that to find out who is behind this conspiracy and to hold
them responsible for their inexcusable behavior has become
one of her missions in life. Now I'm afraid she just wants
to abandon all we've fought for.

She's also giving up on me. We always had disputes, even
some fights discussing some of my rather unusual, weird
theories. I just love to provoke her and to push her
buttons. But since Diana's appearance all is getting out
of hand. Sometimes Scully isn't herself anymore and I
don't know how to handle this. We used to be friends, we
used to talk about the cases, even about the controversial
conclusions we came to more than once. But we never
doubted each other.

Lately it always becomes a matter of trust when we don't
agree on something. I should have known better than to
keep Scully in the dark about Diana and our earlier
partnership in the X-Files. Damn, I'm a trained
psychologist and I should have been aware that Scully
would be hurt discovering the truth this way.

But as for Scully I'm just a man. Maybe I'm a
psychologist, maybe I'm a federal agent, but I'm lost
when it comes to this woman. My mind is zipped, I risk to
loose my common sense and I have to struggle with raging
hormones.

Since the very beginning I'm trying to hide how deeply
she's affected me. Even before we'd met, I was very
impressed by her articles and thesis she'd written. Soon
after our first cases I knew that we'd have a very
efficient and successful partnership. Her analytical and
scientific mind mingled with my risky and rather weird
theories makes us a unique team.

I admire her brilliance, her eloquence, her strength. Yes,
Scully is the strongest person I've ever met. Her strength
is built on her convictions, her faith and finally in her
trust in the good of humanity. Although we've met with
evil more than once, I know she'll never give in and she's
ready to fight it until the end.

I'm such a jerk. Doesn't this sound pathetic? Why am I
trying to fool myself? Just because I'm afraid, if she
knew my most hidden secrets, she'd leave me immediately?

Honestly, let's forget about admiration and high esteem,
I'm craving for her. I've been lusting for her incredible
body for years now. Sometimes it's almost killing me to
spend day after day with her. To feel her body heat, when
she's sitting beside me in the car, or even worse in a
plane, where I'm often in trouble to hide the obvious
reaction of my hungry body to her proximity. To spend
nights on boring stakeouts with nothing more to do than to
smell her infatuating scent. To listen to her low, sexy
voice, that sends shivers through my body. To secretly
watch her every move and to fight the overwhelming urge to
crush her in my arms, to devour her irresistible mouth,
and allow my hands to rove over her body. Forgotten is all
decency and thoughts of tenderness. The cave man inside of
me just wants to stake his claim and make her mine.

Sometimes I can hardly wait to drop her at her
apartment, so I can get home to satisfy my urgent need. I
think I'd be grateful that I've never injured my right
hand on an assignment. Lucky me that on that undercover
case even Haley's watchdog grabbed my left hand to test
my integrity by braking a finger. Yes, I'd be in deep
trouble if I couldn't use my right hand to take care of
some rather urgent and painful tension.

Apparently, I don't get tired of imagining fantasies. All
of them include my wonderful partner, and I have them
neatly stored in my well organized brain. There are at
least thousand and one fantasies, and the collection is
growing day by day.

Usually I'm spread on my couch and just have to choose
from all the pictures hidden in my mind. Scully sitting on
my desk in the office. Scully covered with a layer of
sweat and breathing hard after jogging. Scully in nothing
but her underwear, turning around to make me have a look
at some mosquito bites. Scully under the shower in some
center for high risk decontamination and quarantine. It's
just like a fucking slide show. Damn, thanks to my eidetic
memory. Sometimes it's a curse.

I don't know what Scully would do if she knew about this.
I'm sure from time to time she's aware of my arousal.
Sometimes it's difficult to hide the obvious bulge in my
lap. But she'd never lose her professional attitude and
she pretends to ignore it.

More than once I told myself that this had to end. That
I'd stop to think about my partner all the time. But what
can I do?

Since I know Scully there is no other woman for me. Of
course I'm aware of the more than obvious and pretty
clear-cut offers I've got by some woman we've met. But
none of them will ever be able to cope with my Scully. My
Scully. This sounds so good. I'm sure she'd kick my ass
for good, when she'd hear me call her that. She's a hell
of a woman.

I love her, love her more than I've ever imagined
possible. Honestly I've never thought that I'd be able to
feel love again. For years I've built strong walls around
me to keep everybody on distance. I couldn't dare to get
diverted from my search. Fool as I was I really thought,
if I was able to suppress my feelings. If I won't let
anyone near me, I'd never be hurt again. But I forgot how
empty and shallow life without feeling would be.

Scully brought me back to life. She's broken down this
wall. First there were just tiny cracks, but after some
time she tore this wall down brick by brick. Now I'm
standing here defenseless and at her mercy. All I can do
is hide my vulnerability behind my jokes and innuendoes.
She knows how much I depend on her and how much I need
her, at least I hope so. These days I'm not quite sure.

Not long ago I told her that I owe her everything and that
she keeps me honest. I'm sure she trusted me then. We've
gone through so much together. We've gone through her
remission from cancer and after our return from Antarctica
our life was getting a bit calmer. We were both grateful
to be alive and somehow we felt closer than ever before.
Then all changed with Diana's appearance.

If I just could turn back time. I'd tell Scully about the
past. How Diana and I worked together on the X-Files. That
we were together for some time, but it never really
worked. Actually, we both were too involved in our jobs.
Although I enjoyed to spend time together my most
important goal was to find out more about the X-Files and
in the end to find Samantha. Diana was eager to make her
way and when she got the offer to work in Europe she left
without thinking twice.

Maybe I'm wondering what brought her back. But actually it
doesn't mean much to me. I'm more concerned about Scully
and me. Will we ever get over this?

It's all my fault. I'm such a selfish bastard. Just
because I don't want to face some unpleasant issues, I
really try to hide my head in the sand. And I run the risk
of losing everything. I know, that Scully is thinking
about leaving me, even if she promised me to come back.
She's fooling herself if she doesn't see how far away she
already is.

But I just can't let this happen. I don't want to lose
her. I need her. I won't let her slip away just like that.

Desperation is suddenly flowing through my veins and I
know I have to try all to get her back. Even if she begged
me to leave her alone, I just can't stay here and wait.
I'm suddenly aware that if I'll wait until she'll come
home, she'll have made up her mind and I won't be able to
keep her from leaving. I'd never have a chance to tell her
how sorry I am. Sorry that I didn't listen to her. That I
doubted her and that I betrayed us.

I have to get to her.



End of part Two


XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

From: "Brigitte" <Xbri@gmx.net>
Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 14:29:44 +0100
Subject: xfc: Decisions (3 of 4)
Source: xfc

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Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1
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Decisions ( 3 of 4 )

by Xbri@gmx.net

see part one for disclaimer


Stretching out my body, I feel my head is pounding, my
muscles are cramped and my body is aching. I must have
fallen asleep on the couch last evening and now I'm
shivering. After the fire had burnt out, the blanket
obviously wasn't warm enough to keep me from the
chilliness of the living room.

I try to blink my swollen eyes open and the dazzling light
of a new bright and sunny day makes me wince. At least
I've spent some hours in a deep and dreamless sleep,
without scary nightmares, or what I even fear more,
without disturbing and exciting dreams, featuring me and
my partner in heat of passion. Lately my nights have been
rather restless. As I'd wake up, my hands would wander
over the tingling skin of my body. They'd cup my breasts
and start to circle my nipples in slow motion. I'd feel
the wetness pooling between my legs and soon my hand would
creep down my belly to make it's way to my hot and pulsing
center. Still lingering in my dreamworld, it wouldn't take
much to pretend it's him touching me, pleasuring me with
his hands, his mouth and his body.

It's all but easy to face your clueless partner after such
a night full of erotic and exciting dreams. In the morning
I feel aroused and I'm haunted the whole day by the
incredible pictures of Mulder and me, our bodies
entangled, wet and sweaty and I can hear our moans and
sighs uttered in sheer need for release.

Struggling to get rid of the blanket, I get up and shake
my head which seems to be wrapped in a soft layer of
cotton. My breakdown and the tears have taken away
the raging fury and the deep deception. The pain which
feels as if someone is stabbing me with a knife, ripping
my chest open, is finally gone. I feel numb, exhausted and
hopeless.

The more I think about this mess, the more I feel lost,
and suddenly I'm not sure whether this really was a good
idea to run away. Maybe we should have talked. But
although or maybe just because we're often able to
communicate without a word, we both failed in our
communications skills. We're not used talking, really
talking. It's time to work this out. I just don't want to
give up on us this easily. I decide to take a shower and
to call Mulder.

The long and hot shower brings back some of my confidence
and refreshes my vital spirits. I'm brewing coffee and
start to prepare breakfast when a knocking on the door
startles me from my thoughts. I open the door and I can't
believe my eyes.

"Scully...I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be here. You asked
me to give you some time and space, but...I..."

He's standing before me shrugging his shoulders, his hands
deep in the pockets of his tight black jeans. I stare at
him in disbelief. He's wearing a white T-shirt and his
black leather jacket. His tired face and the dark shadows
under his eyes tell me that he even slept less these days
than he does usually. His dark hair is disheveled, because
he was running his hands through it as he usually does
when he's tired. I barely can take my eyes off him.

"Come on in, Mulder. I've just made some coffee and I'm
about to prepare breakfast. You hungry?"

"I'm starving. Maybe I missed some meals lately." He grins
in embarrassment. He closes the door behind him, follows
me in the kitchen and throws his jacket over a chair.

While I prepare omelets with bacon and mushrooms, he
slices the bread and sets the table. He watches every move
I make and this starts to unnerve me.

"Mulder, did my Mom tell you where I am?"

"Good guess. I went to see her early this morning and
asked her to tell me where I'd find you. I really had to
use my famous gift of persuasion. But I think she noticed
how much this means to me. She finally gave in and...here I
am."

He looks at me, trying to find out what I'm thinking and
whether I'm mad at him because he didn't leave me alone.

"Mulder, sit down and eat. Don't look at me as if you was
afraid I'd shoot you again." With these words I give him a
small, reassuring smile and put the plates on the table.

"Let's eat first and then we can talk. I'm glad you're
here. Actually I considered calling you today. It seems
you just forestalled my intention."

He looks at me in disbelief and I can see relief wash over
his face. With a groan he sits down at the table. He
really must be hungry. I watch him wolfing down his meal
and several slices of bread with appreciative grunts.
Enthralled, I sip on my coffee and shove my omelet from
one side to the other.

A lump in my throat is choking me, and I just can't
swallow a bite. Finally my heartbeat is returning to a
normal rhythm and my breathing is slowing down. In a
deadly grip I steady my shaking hands on my cup. My heart
is aching. It's so good to see him again, to be near him.
An invisible force seems to pull me to him. I wish nothing
more than to have him throw me in his arms, so that I can
feel safe and sheltered as so many times before.
Pretending, nothing had happened at all. With a sigh I
come back to reality.

"Scully, you don't want yours?"

"No, you can have it." I push my plate over and in
fascination I watch him devouring it.

"How come, Mulder? Didn't you have the time to eat these
days?"

He only shrugs his shoulders and answers me with a grin
between two bites. "I must have forgotten. There was no
one there to remind me."

For a moment we're sitting at the table, both lost in our
own thoughts. When he has finished we clear the table and
go over into the living room. We sit down on the couch, on
the opposite ends and face each other. I tug my legs under
and nervously smooth a strain of hair behind my ear. It's
not a large couch and to feel his body as near to me makes
me fidgety. It's not that but easy to get this started and
I can say Mulder doesn't feel better than me. Literally, I
can see the wheels turning in his head.

"Umm...You look good Scully. Quite rested and relaxed. I
think you did good to get away for some days. I'm sor..."

"Mulder, it's okay. I'm glad that you're here now. Maybe
it's even better to have this conversation here far away
from where all began. You know some kind of neutral zone."

"Frankly, I just couldn't have stayed at home for another
moment. I was afraid that if I waited a day longer you'd
decide to leave the bureau and to leave me. Maybe you'd
have come back as you promised, but I know you, Scully.
When you'd have made up your mind, there would be no way
to hold you back. And I just don't want to give up like
that. I don't want to regret that I even didn't try to
hold you back, to save what we have."

"Until this moment I really wasn't convinced whether you'd
want to go on working with me."

He's looking at me with an expression of surprise on his
face and asks me," You can't be serious?"

"Oh yes, I am, Mulder. Why do you think I'm here? Would it
be necessary for me to take time off and to hide here, if
there wasn't a reason? Sometimes I'm really afraid there
is nothing left to save. We even can't discuss a case
anymore without a fight and it always ends as a matter of
trust. I'm tired of this game and I can't go on like that.
I'm a scientist and I don't intend to give up what I
believe in. I have to find proof and I have to look for
every possible scientific explanation. I'd understand if
you'd work with someone more open to your theories,
especially since Diana is back and she seems to be very
interested to get back at your side."

"Scully, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Diana before."

"Well, maybe that would have been helpful. It felt pretty
odd to ask the guys about her, but I just couldn't ask
you. They told me she had been your partner when you had
discovered the X-Files and that you had been involved with
her. Possibly this was another reason, besides that I
don't trust her, why I always felt uncomfortable about
her. I really couldn't figure out what her come back meant
or still means to you and what an impact this would have
on our relationship. But it hurts to see how we seem to
fall apart, how we're risking everything, the trust and
the faith in each other."

Mulder is sitting there motionless. His hands are spread
on his thighs and I can say he's quite shocked by my
statement. It's been a long time since I have opened up to
him like that and allowed him a glimpse in my inner
sanctuary.
But now having said this aloud, nothing will stop me from
telling him the whole truth. I have known for some time
that this had to come and now it's the moment to spit it
out. Deep inside I must have been aware of these feelings
which suddenly turn up to the surface.

"You have to know, Mulder, that if she'll come back to the
X-Files I will leave. Remember you asked me once if I
wanted you to make a choice. It won't be your choice. I
can't and won't work with her, because I don't trust her."

"Scully, what makes you think that I want her to work with
us? I've worked with her earlier and actually I'm not very
thrilled to do it again."

With a shy smile he continues. " Well, although it would
be easier for me to come through with some of my weird
theories."

Now it's for me to look at him in astonishment. "But I..."

He interrupts my words. "I'd met Diana when I just got out
of the Academy. We had some similar interests. She had a
background in paranormal and when I discovered the X-Files
I asked her for some advice and so we worked together for
some time."

Unconsciously his hands are sliding up and down his
thighs now; he really must be nervous.

"We both were very enthusiastic about the cases. We spent
a lot of time together and so we became friends. My life
was pretty lonely and I enjoyed her company. Well, one
evening we were going through some details. Suddenly we
were kissing and we slept together. That's how we became
involved. I can remember days I really felt happy. I had
found a challenging job, which allowed me to follow my
search for Samantha and I was able to work with an
exciting woman. We shared more time together than before
and frankly, when she got that offer to go to Europe,
actually I was surprised that she'd accepted. Although we
never had discussed the future, I felt as if she'd
betrayed me. On the other hand I had to understand that
she just had to take this offer to get on with her career.
It wasn't easy to see how fast she moved on."

"But why didn't you tell me that you knew her? What were
you thinking?"

Mulder shrugs his shoulders. "Apparently not very much.
Actually I didn't expect her to stay. I thought this was
just an accident that we worked together on the "Gibson
Praise case." Then it was too late, you had got the
information from the guys and I really didn't know how to
tell you about all this. I was aware that you were
hurting, but I was afraid I'd just make it worse. And you
know what happened whenever we tried to talk. It didn't
take long before one of us would walk away in a fury."

"Mmm...I think we both have really messed up this time."

We're sitting there for a time in silence and suddenly the
green eyed monster in me is starting to pester me. I can
see them, working together, laughing, kiss...no, no, no. I
won't go there. I'm jealous, I'm really jealous of his
past. What did I expect. Jesus, he's a grown man. I can't
hold back a sigh.

"What Scully?"

I just have to know, even if I'm afraid of the answer.
"Did you love her?"

"I thought, I did. But now I'm aware that I wasn't in love
with her. I loved her company, the feeling of not being
alone anymore, but this isn't love."

He leans over to me and wraps my hand in his. His long,
perfect fingers are smoothing over the back of my hand.
Then he begins to make tiny circle on every knuckle of my
hand. It's driving me crazy. I almost can't take this. The
skin on my hand is on fire and waves of heat are rolling
through my arm to my center. My breath is shallow and I
can feel my heartbeat racing.

"Mulder?"

"I know what love is, Scully. Now that I've met the love
of my life."

His hands softly cradle my face. His thumb are caressing
my trembling lips and I hold my breath as I watch him
coming nearer. I crave for the touch of his mouth, his
incredible sinful lips. There is nothing I want more in
this moment than to feel them on me. I want to lap at his
lips, letting my tongue trail over them from one side to
the other and back. Just to kiss him with more fervor,
parting his lips to finally probe and taste his mouth.

Suddenly something is holding me back. I try to refrain
from thinking these intrusive thoughts, to surrender to
the sweet and soft longing that is obfuscating my
consciousness, but something is bothering me. Something
is definitely bringing me back to reality, although I
can't tell what it is.

I know, it's not him. He's the one I've been in love with
for such a long time and there is no one on this Earth I
want to be with more than this man for the rest of my
life. I've been dreaming of our first real kiss for ages
now. So, it must be something he just said.

"Mulder wait...wait." I prop my hands against his chest
and try to draw back, but his strong arms are holding me
close, so I just can't get away. "Mulder, what did you
say?"

He begins to peck sweet little kisses all over my face.

"I..." smack, "...just..." smack, "...said..." smack,
"...you..." smack, "...are..." smack, "...the love..."
smack, "...of..." smack, "...my life."

He looks into my eyes and asks me, " Why, is this a
problem for you Scully?"

"No...no that's not a problem. Actually, I'd be thrilled
to hear you say this, but...what makes you so sure? Is there
a difference between the relationship you have had with
Diana and the one we have? What tells you that we won't
end the same way as you two did back then? You just can't
deny that there are bunches of similarities."

"Always the skeptic, Scully." He grins at me, but then his
smile disappears. "You have to believe me, never in my
life I've felt something like that before. You mean the
world to me. Every moment I can't be with you is a lost
moment and I don't want to waste more time denying it.
Every time you're not near me I'm counting the minutes
until I'll see you again."

He shakes his head and gives me a sly smile.

"Why do you think I always had to come around to make you
take a look at some weird casefile or I just had to call
you to hear your voice?"

His fingers are smoothing over the skin of my upper arms,
sending shivers through my body.

"The thought of you leaving me is unbearable. I've been in
love with you for such a long time, maybe from the very
beginning. I always was afraid you'd just wanted me just
as a friend, so I've tried all to fight these feelings.
But now I've nothing left to lose. As you said three days
ago we're on a turning point and I just can't or won't
hide it anymore. Scully, I love you. You're the one I want
to spend the rest of my life with."

"Muld..."

"Listen, Scully, maybe this is just a one-way street.
Maybe you don't share these feelings and you just consider
me as your friend, that's ok with me. I'll learn to live
with that. But please, don't give up on us, don't leave
me. I need you."

I can't help staring at him. My heart is aching and tears
are filling my eyes. How can he not know? And I'd always
thought I was an open book to him and he could read me
easily.

With a moan I grab his head, lace my finger in his hair
and claim his mouth. I can't hold back anymore.

"I love you, Mulder, love you so much." I utter between
wet and hot kisses, when I have to let go of his mouth to
get some air.




End of part three


XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

From: "Brigitte" <Xbri@gmx.net>
Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 14:29:54 +0100
Subject: xfc: Decisions (4 of 4)
Source: xfc

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Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit




Decisions ( 4 of 4 )

by Xbri@gmx.net

See part one for disclaimer



I'm attacking Mulder's mouth with mine, devouring him,
lapping, nibbling and biting on his lips. All the tension,
accumulated for some time now, is finally getting to me
and is making me lose all my reserve. My tongue is tracing
his lips, sliding from one corner of the mouth to the
other, pushing and begging for entrance. With a groan, he
opens his mouth and our tongues are finally meeting,
dueling in long passionate strokes.

Mulder is panting. I can feel him shivering and without
letting go of his delicious mouth I get on my knees and
straddle him. My body is humming and my heartbeat is
drumming in my ears. Hot waves of lust are rolling through
me and come back to my very center. I can't help grinding
my throbbing crotch against him shamelessly. He answers my
movement by bucking upwards, rubbing his impressive bulge
against my aching core.

When I release his mouth because I have to draw breath I
take a look at him. He's gorgeous. His head is arched
back, laying on the back of the couch. Eyes closed, his
mouth slightly open, he's breathing hard. His face is
flushed and I can see his racing heartbeat, pulsating in
the veins on his neck. With a fierce grip his hands are
seizing my hips as if he needs support.

Seeing him like that, spread under me, shuddering and
totally aroused, surrendering to my assault I'm beyond
reason. I just have to taste him and I know exactly where
I want to start to make one of my fantasies come true.
Slowly I lower my mouth and place a soft kiss on the
sensitive skin of his neck, in this hollow just below his
Adam's apple. My tongue slides out playfully to learn the
taste of his skin.

I can't hold back a moan. "Mmm...Mulder, you taste so good."

My hands are eagerly tearing on the neck of his T-shirt to
get access to more of his skin. When my teeth graze on his
collar bone he gasps and his lower body jerks upwards, so
I have to steady myself on his shoulders with a firm grip.

My mouth creeps higher. I swirl my tongue around his
Adam's apple and slowly make my way up to suckle and
nibble on his chin. Then tracing his jaw I get to my next
favorite spot, that mole on his cheek. I can't remember
how often I've dreamt about this and now I'm not willing
to let out one single fantasy.

I flick my tongue over his mole and place tiny kisses on
his cheek trailing on along his jaw until I reach his
earlobe where I begin to trace the ridge of the cartilage
with my mouth. Again my impudent tongue slips out to
explore and to take in every particular point.

Mulder seems to come back to himself and I can feel his
hands let go of my hipbones. They trace the waistband of
my jeans to roam over my back, up and down, clutching me
to his body. He grabs the hem of my T-shirt, tugging and
tearing until his fingers find a way to touch skin. His
strong fingers crawl over my back, in turns kneading and
grasping, to just soothe my prickling skin with
featherlight strokes.

Now it's me, loosing myself in the incredible sensations
his hands are provoking just by their touch. I can't
suppress a groan escaping my throat and I just have to
close my eyes to shut out everything. There is nothing but
his touch, his fingers setting the skin on my back on
fire. I arch my upper body back and forth, rocking my
wet, hot center against his hard length.

Suddenly Mulder sits up, presses his face between my
breasts and I can't help grabbing his head to get him even
closer. I hide my face in his dark, silky hair inhaling
his unique, male scent and I'm trembling all over. I just
love this mixture of sandalwood, cedar and pure Mulder
essence.

Mulder makes me bend back, steadying me with his arms
around my waist and then his mouth is wandering from the
valley between my breasts until it finally settles down on
the peak of my left breast. Mulder opens his mouth wide
and begins to nibble on the already hard nubbin through
the fabric of my T-shirt and the bra.

I cry out when hot, burning jolts of lust are pulsing
through my body. Immediately Mulder cups my other breast
with his hand and then begins to tweak and pull the
sensitive bud. Now I'm moaning incessantly and I start to
lose control over my body. I can't remember that I've ever
been as aroused and unleashed as that before. We're both
still dressed, but I can feel how close I am. All I can
think of is that we have to get rid of what is between us.
All I want is to feel him. I want to feel his hot, sweaty
skin on mine. I need to feel him, on me, around me, inside
me.

"Mulder...please...I can't...please...stop."

"Sculleee..." he almost whines and again he hides his face
between my breast. He's breathing hard and I can tell he's
as desperate as I am, trying to get back some control.

I peel myself from his embrace, give him a slight push, so
he's again leaning on the back of the couch. His beautiful
face is covered with beads of perspiration and strands of
his hair are sticking to his forehead. His mouth is open
slightly and his tongue slides out to moisten his lips. He
looks at me with dark, almost black eyes dimmed with
arousal when I sit back on his thighs.

My voice is rough and husky. "Mulder, I want to feel you."

With shaking hands I fumble at his T-shirt to tug it out
of the waistband of his jeans. My fingers slide under the
fabric, brushing softly over his abdomen and circling his
belly button. He gasps through clenched teeth at my
teasing touch.

"More...I want more, Mulder."

He lifts his arms up, so I can pull the garment over his
head and now I stare at his glorious body. He's...well, my
mouth goes dry and I have to swallow hard. Of course I've
seen him naked before. I know that he has an incredible
body, but mostly when I've got to see him I was sick with
worry and I just wasn't in the mood to really enjoy the
view.
But now not only I can look at him abundantly, but I'm
also allowed to touch him. To finally touch him as a lover
does and not as a doctor, as I've done more times than I
want to remember right now.

I lower my hands on his belly and brush tenderly over the
abdominal muscles. Provokingly slow, my fingers creep
higher, play with the silky chest hair for a moment to
finally circle his nipples with my forefinger. As I run
the nail of my forefingers over them, they immediately get
hard. A grunt escapes Mulder's throat and his hands are
clenching in the fabric of the couch. When he arches back
I bring my mouth down on his chest and start to lick and
bite his nipples by turns, until he's moaning constantly.
I'm still sitting in his lap and he desperately pushes his
huge erection against my crotch. With every push he makes
a low, husky sound that sends shivers through my body. I
can tell that he's as far gone as I was a moment ago.

With some regret I sit up and watch him calming down. I
just love to drive him crazy and it seems I'm on my way to
get what I want. He forces his eyes open and looks at me
with raw lust.

"Wow, Scully...you're a wicked woman."

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Agent Mulder." And with that
I tear my T-shirt over my head and throw it to the floor.
I can't hide a smile when I see his reaction. He's staring
at me and takes a deep breath. With a teasing smile on my
lips I bring my hands to the front clasp of my bra, but he
stops me.

"Don't, let me do this, please." And his hands cover my
breasts, stroking and squeezing them in agonizing slow
motion.

"You're so beautiful, Scully. You don't know what you're
doing to me. You're driving me wild. I want to touch you,
to feel you, to pleasure and to worship your body. You
don't know how much I've wanted this."

"Oh yes, I do." I only sigh and I press my aching breasts
into his molded hands.

Mulder flips open the clasp of my bra, slips the straps
over my shoulders and throws the piece of lace on the
floor next to my T-shirt. For a moment he just stares at
me in astonishment. Then he lifts both his hands, cups my
breasts and starts to knead and squeeze them. I arch back
at his touch. My hands, looking for something to hold on
grasp behind me and I steady myself on his knees. He
fondles and cuddles my breasts with his strong, beautiful
hands and when he begins to circle my nipples with his
digits, I throw my head back and can't hold back a
whimper.

"I...give me...your mouth, Mulder." I'm pleading now.

With a devilish smile his mouth approaches my breast and
then his hot, wet tongue is flicking over my sensitive
nipple. He's lapping and licking on it with eagerness. I'm
writhing and bucking and just when I think I can't stand
it anymore he opens his mouth wide and starts to suckle
and to bite hard, driving me insane with desire and
wantonness.

Mulder is unleashed. To watch him in his frenzy and
wildness is increasing my own arousal infinitely. His
hands are kneading my breasts, pushing, pulling, rubbing
and his devouring mouth is everywhere now, leaving marks
of his assault. His head is trashing from one side to the
other and he's making low and husky sounds.

I want him, I want him so much and I can't wait another
minute, another second. I grab his head to stop him and
without a word I lower my lips to place a tender, almost
chaste kiss to his forehead. My trembling fingers find the
button of my jeans. I get up from his lap to unbutton the
fly and strip off my soaked jeans and panties.

His eyes are roaming over my body, from head to toe and
back, focusing more attention to some parts of my body
than to others. Without taking his eyes of me he begins to
tear of his remaining clothes, throwing them on the pile
already on the floor.

With one swift move his arms are around my waist and I
find myself again sitting in his lap. Thighs spread, my
knees beside his hips it takes just a slight push of my
hips and I can feel his long, thick erection throbbing and
twitching right between my slickened folds. I grind my
hips into his hardness and we both can't hold back a moan.

I'd like to touch his cock, to feel the soft, hot skin in
my hand, to trace the pulsating veins with the tips of my
fingers. I want to brush my fingers over the sensitive
head, spreading the first drops of pre-cum. I need to taste
him, to lave him, to learn every fold and rise of his
irresistible manhood, to close my lips around the bluish
head, taking him in as deep as possible, bobbing up and
down until he screams and gushes into my mouth.

But this just has to wait. I'm shivering with want and
anticipation. My aching center is burning and I can feel
the wetness between my legs. Now it's certainly not the
time for subtlety and soft, tender seduction. I want him,
I want to feel him inside of me, I want to become us one.

Our eyes lock and I see the same raw need and urge in his
face. I raise my hips, so that the tip of his penis is
just slightly touching my dripping opening.

Mulder falls back. He's shaking and panting and I know
that it takes all his force to restrain from bucking his
hips up and pushing his steel-hard cock into me.

"Scully, please...now...take me."

That's all what it takes to undo me, there is no holding
back. I thrust myself down until his shaft is buried in me
to the hilt. I can't hold back a whimper when I feel his
huge cock entering me, stretching my internal muscles and
filling me completely.

"Don't move, Scully." He utters with a low voice, hoarse
with arousal. He grabs me by the hips to prevent me from
moving and he's concentrating hard, gasping for air.

I hold still for a moment, enjoying to feel him deep in
me, the head of his penis pushing against my cervix. My
groin is throbbing and pulsating with heat and I can feel
my own wetness, the juices of my arousal dripping down and
slickening Mulder's crotch.

I prop my hands beside Mulder's head on the back of the
couch and I start to move. Deliberately I lift myself up
and we both moan when I forcefully thrust down again, so
that his cock again is buried deep inside of me. This is
just too good and I start to ride him hard. Mulder
counters each of my thrusts, jerking upwards and pounding
into me. We increase our speed and I know this won't last
very long. My body is craving for release and I can't hold
back.

"Mulder...can't wait...I'm so close."

"Go with it...I'm right here."

Mulder's hand slips between our bodies and finds my clit
and with every move I make I'm grinding my over sensitive
bundle of nerves against his hand. We both get frenzied
now. I'm slamming up and down on him, our bodies slapping
together in a frantic pace.

I feel the orgasm building, flashes of fire are spurting
through my center, rolling through my body and I feel my
internal walls convulse. Bucking hard against him I
surrender completely and panting his name I fall over the
edge, loosing myself in the overwhelming sensations and
emotions that are carrying me away.

Struggling to get back, I force my eyes open to watch
Mulder loose it. His head is lolled back, his mouth wide
open and gasping for air, he's pounding up into me
forcefully.

"Mulder, come for me...let go...please, come for me"

I urge him on and with two, three thrusts he goes rigid
and crying out he comes hard, spilling within me. He's
shaking and growling under me and I rotate my hips riding
the orgasm out with him, lacing my fingers in his
beautiful, dark and silky hair.

We both calm down, our breath getting regular again, our
heartbeat returning to a normal pace. His arms are around
me and he crushes me against his body, spreading sweet,
tiny kisses all over my shoulder, my neck and my face.

"Scully, this was..." he murmurs between his kisses.

"Nice?" I tease him.

"Nice? Are you kidding? If this was nice then I'd really
like to find out what you mean by hot, steamy and wild
sex." He gives me one of his incredible smiles
that make my knees go weak and my heartbeat race.

"Ok, Mulder. Just wait and I'll show you. I have a lot of
time, because I don't have to be back to work until next
Monday. I affirm, this will finally be the moment you
won't doubt my suggestions." I can't hide a happy smirk,
when he groans and he kisses me fervently.


Finis