TITLE: Never, Never 1/1 AUTHOR: Crash E-MAIL: mamymac@juno.com CATEGORY: MSR, mild angst RATING: NC-17 for language and sex SPOILERS: Set post "Never Again" KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully Romance SUMMARY: An argument about Agent Scully's conduct regarding Ed Jerse leads to some unpartnerlike conduct. DISCLAIMER: They aren't mine. I'm just playing with them cuz I'm bored. Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and the X-Files belong to Chris Carter, 10-13 Productions and Fox Broadcasting. Suing me will only win you bills. I mean no infringement by my merciless quest to get our heroes in the sack. NOTES: This is a post "Never Again" story. Nothing but relationship smut follows. OK to post where you will as long as my name, addy and disclaimer remain with the story. Thanks to all of you who have sent wonderful feedback to my previous stories. Your encouragement is an addictive drug. Thank you again. I will now grovel for more input. Send feedback to mamymac@juno.com. I'll use any flames at my next bonfire. NEVER NEVER 1/1 By Crash "All this because I didn't get you a desk?" "Not everything is about you, Mulder. It's my life." "But it's." "What? It's what?" Mulder rose, placing his palms flat on either side of the coffee stained blotter on his desk. He leaned across the looming expanse of the desk, inserting his face firmly in front of his partner's. "If it's not about me then why don't you tell me just what the hell it is about." Dana Scully felt bile rise in the back of her throat. Who the hell did Mulder think he was? He leaves her to investigate a case by herself while he runs off to Memphis to chase Elvis. She almost gets killed and he decides to have a fit of jealousy. She wasn't sure where the urge came from. She just followed it. His face was just inches from hers and it seemed like the perfect target. She drew her fist back and then connected solidly with his jaw. He obviously had not been prepared for her to do that because the blow sent him stumbling backwards and he landed in his chair. "SCULLY!" "Go to hell, Mulder." The words left her lips in a quiet rage. She was too angry to even yell. "You bastard. I bust my ass for you on every single case we work on together. I'm not just your assistant. This is MY job too, in case you hadn't noticed. I often have to perform my JOB after you've run off and left me to fend for MYSELF without the benefit of even one of your STUPID theories. You must have balls of stainless steel to sit there and even begin to question how I investigated this case. As I recall, you were off 'finding' yourself in Memphis, so this WAS my case. You gave it to me, or have you conveniently forgotten that little piece of information. "You're a fucking hypocrite," she was screaming now. "How many cases have you gotten a little too close to? How many times have you done something outside protocol? I'd say my track record's a hell of a lot better than yours, Mulder. Christ, the times I have gone beyond the Bureau book have usually been to protect your ass.so how DARE you question me?" Sitting behind the desk, his eyes wide, Fox Mulder said nothing. She had effectively shut him up, and for the first time since she could remember she had his total attention. He rarely saw her this angry and it wasn't usually at him. Despite her anger, she was fueled more by hurt than anything else. Deep in her heart, she looked up to her partner. He was her friend and she trusted him. But the way he'd been treating her the last few weeks felt like betrayal. He was always shoving his unwanted work off on her. She wanted more than his approval. She wanted him to think of her as his equal but lately he treated her as nothing more than a nuisance. Fire burned in the depths of her blue eyes. She stood and walked around his desk. Spinning his chair so he faced her, she roughly grabbed the lapels of his jacket, pulling his face ever so close to hers. "If you question my abilities as an investigator, Agent Mulder, maybe you should find a new partner." Feeling the tears build, she let him go and stormed out the door. Her suede pumps clicked lightly on the tile floor, sounding much like the ticking time bomb about to go off in her head. She felt like her whole world was crashing down around her and she was all alone. Even Mulder had abandoned her. She made her way to her car and flung the door open. She slumped in and shut the door and the rest of the world out. In the quiet of the FBI's garage, Dana Scully let it go. She sobbed loudly, leaning her head against the steering wheel. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped it. She felt as though she was clinging to the last shreds of her dignity and she dare not let go. XxX In the blaring silence of his office, Fox Mulder came to the realization that his 5'2 partner had just kicked his ass. He also realized, he deserved it. He knew he could be a bastard sometimes, hell most of the time. He had been particularly bad lately. His mind was somewhere else and he'd been relying on Scully to take care of the minutia he was just too tired to deal with. He thought she understood. In the four years he'd worked with her, Dana Scully had become the sole person Mulder trusted and relied on. He knew he was a self-absorbed person and he was positive Scully knew that. He thought she accepted that about him. But it was now crystal clear to him that he'd gone too far. He'd pushed her over the edge. He hated himself for it. So to atone for it, he tried to blame her. The fact of the matter was, she'd scared him. His Scully didn't do things like get tattoos or sleep with strange men. She was too pragmatic for things like that, or so he thought. The truth was his distraction of late was her. He was in love with her and he knew that a relationship between them was not feasible. Scully deserved far more than he had to offer. So he tried to force her out of his mind, avoid her. He felt like a foolish schoolboy trying to deny his crush on a favorite teacher. He'd gone to Memphis to get away from her and from himself. He'd succeeded at neither. All he'd truly succeeded at was pushing her buttons and royally pissing her off. He didn't recall ever seeing her quite that angry. He rubbed his jaw where she'd hit him. For such a small person, she really packed a wallop. Despite the ache in his mouth, he smiled slightly. Grabbing his coat and keys, he left the office. He figured she'd gone home or to her mother's to cool off. He decided he'd just go wait her out at her apartment, apologize profusely and hope like hell he could make it right. XxX "When did I become the world's biggest jackass?" She asked herself aloud. "How pathetic can you get, Dana?" She smashed her fist against the steering wheel again, bruising the heel of her hand. She didn't remember when she'd fallen in love with her partner. She surmised it was about the same time she knew a relationship between them was impossible. She wasn't concerned with Bureau protocol. She just knew in her heart Mulder wouldn't want her. She wasn't his type. A woman who was bright and challenging made a great partner, but as lovers went Scully knew the leggy brainless type were more his style. Her hope was he'd at least come to see her as an equal in their partnership. Instead, he treated her like one of her overbearing brothers. She was his surrogate sister and it was a role she didn't want. He always tried to protect her and keep her from anything he thought might hurt her. Ed Jerse. When she'd seen Ed in the tattoo shop she thought he was an attractive man. She was also lonely and he was paying attention to her. In a strange way, he'd reminded her of Mulder. He looked nothing like Mulder, of course, but his intensity mirrored her partner's. She knew it was foolish, but she was so starved for attention. She craved a physical connection with someone. So she went out and found one. She slept with Jerse because she wanted him to be Mulder. She let out a long sob, wrapping her arms around herself and willing the pain to go away. Her fingers accidentally dug into the sensitive skin around the tattoo and she winced. Not only had she done something stupid, she'd have a permanent reminder of her foolishness for the rest of her life. She was more than ashamed of what she'd done. But in a way, it felt good to rebel. Just for once to do something no one expected her to do. Even if it was only for a moment, she'd felt wild and free. What she'd done had been dangerous as hell. But it was one of the most liberating experiences she'd had of late. As for Mulder, this could only lower his expectations of her. Of all the bad things about Ed Jerse, that was what bothered her the most. She had no idea how she could face him, especially after the argument they'd just had. She dimly thought she could just not go back. After all, she'd just told him to find another partner. XxX Mulder's feet jerked to a stop when he saw Scully's blue Cavalier still parked in it's place. He could see the small patch of auburn hair just over the headrest. He slowly walked over to the car. He was within ten feet when he heard a loud sob come from the car. He stopped again. "Fox Mulder, you are a first class asshole," he told himself quietly. He hung his head and tried to collect his thoughts. What could he say? "I'm sorry Scully, I'm a jackass. But see, I had to ignore you because I had to make myself stop loving you so we could still work together." He knew she cared about him but he seriously doubted she would ever love him. He'd tried to keep himself satisfied treating her like a sister. It was more intimate than just being his friend and partner but it still wasn't enough. He wanted her both spiritually and physically. He'd just have to settle for sisterly, because that's the only way she'd stick around. If he couldn't have her heart he'd settle for her partnership and friendship and find a way to convince himself that was all right. But she had more or less just told him to find a new partner. He cringed. He moved closer to the car willing his Oxford education to find the words to fix this debacle. He couldn't lose her. She didn't even notice when he got right next to the car. She was sobbing violently now. His heart broke for the third time that day. She was clutching her sides and rocking back and forth. He ran his hand through his dark hair and sighed. His hand shook like a leaf as he reached for the door. When he pulled the door open she jerked around, startled. She reached for the door handle but he caught both of her hands and pulled her out of the car and against his body. "Scully, you can yell at me or hit me again. Do whatever you want. I'm a shit and I deserve it. Just don't leave. I don't want another partner. No one else can do the work you do. You're the only partner I've ever been able to work with, the only one I want to work with. The X-Files' need you. I need you." Her struggling stilled and she looked up at him. He was somewhat relieved that the anger seemed to fade from her face. Her moist eyes focused in on him, absorbing what he'd said. He simply stared at her face. The expressive blue eyes, slim nose and full rosebud mouth. He was lost. He always was when he looked at her. Usually he could collect himself, but today he couldn't. He was so afraid of losing her and of never having her at all. They both seemed to be at a loss for words. He let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned in closely, their noses were almost touching and then he begged. "Please Dana." There were so many entreaties in those two words. 'Please don't leave me. Please forgive me. Please love me.' Her mouth fell open, as if to speak, but nothing came out. The clicking of shoes on the pavement caused them both to jump apart. Two agents rounded the corner on their way to lunch, talking and laughing. Mulder remembered a time when he and Scully were interacting that well. The men got in their car and drove off. "Mulder, I." He reached down and pulled the keys from her hand. "Scully, let's just go somewhere and talk about this, but not here." She nodded her head. "We'll take my car," he said. XxX Neither of them said much in the car. Scully wondered where Mulder was going. He got on 95 and kept going until they got to a suburban town south of Washington, called Occoquan. They drove up a steep hill and pulled into a parking space in front of a condominium complex. She shot Mulder a quizzical look. "My uncle has a place here. It's mostly an investment property, he rents it to tourists. But occasionally he comes here. You can see all the way to the Potomac from that hill over there. Anyway, I check on it for him from time to time. It's quiet here and the view's nice. I thought our nerves could use a little soothing." She nodded mutely and they went inside. She'd been thinking about what to say the whole ride down but she was still at a loss for words. She was still stuck at the point where he told her he "needed her." She knew he meant as a partner but the desperation in his words suggested something more. She moved to the sliding glass doors and looked out over the river. It was a beautiful view. Being around the water always seemed to calm her. She guessed she got that from her father. At least, water always made her think of him and he always had a calming effect on her. Unlike Mulder, his forte seemed to be getting a rise out of her. She shook her head. "Scully, look, I shouldn't have said the things I said. I'm not going to tell you what you did was right, but I had no right to judge you. Especially about Jerse, who you chose to be with is your business and not mine. I just feel very.protective of you and I was scared when I thought that he might have." She spun on her heel. "Mulder, I don't need you to protect me! All I want from you is equal footing and your attention from time to time." The anger began to build again and she felt the words slip out before her mental editor could stop her. "If you'd paid a little attention to me once in awhile maybe I wouldn't have felt the need to sleep with Jerse."the realization of what she said made her turn crimson. He crossed the room to her in three long strides and she turned back to the window. "Mulder, I just meant.I.oh Christ." She began to cry again wishing he would just vanish. But he didn't. Instead, she felt his warm heavy hands on her shoulders. Her mind flashed back to the parking lot. There had been a split second when she'd thought he was going to kiss her, his face had been so close. But those men came in and she'd been left wondering. Now she was wondering how she could weasel her way out of this situation. She grew weak in the knees when she felt his hot breath move around to her ear. "Just what kind of attention do you want?" She fought for a safe answer but her brain wouldn't supply one before he took her earlobe into his mouth. She trembled and sighed heavily. "Mulder." "Am I getting it right, Scully?" He lowered his head to the column of her throat and kissed her there, working his way up to her jaw and then turning her to face him. He stopped just inches from her lips and stared into her eyes. "Am I?" "Yes, Mulder." XxX He was petrified the whole way there. He had no idea what to do, but after what happened in the parking lot he knew he had to tell her. He couldn't hold back anymore, consequences be damned. He was hopeful though, because just after he'd put his arms around her waist she'd done the same. He didn't know what to make of it, but he wanted it to be a good sign. Then she'd gone and said she'd wanted more attention from him. He could tell she hadn't meant to say it. His hope had turned to fear when he saw the fear in her eyes. She was afraid he wouldn't love her. . Some part of his brain supplied she might feel better if he told her he felt the same. "Yes Mulder." He felt his pants tighten at her positive response and he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. "Scully.I.uh.what happened with Jerse." "Should never have happened." She looked down at her feet raising her hands in the air. Mulder caught them and laced his fingers through hers and then dropping their hands to their sides. A tear worked its way down her face. "I just felt so alone, Mulder. We work so hard, we never have any time to ourselves or to find someone.the truth of the matter is I don't want to find someone, I found you. I wanted him to be you, so in my mind I made him out to be you because he gave me the attention and what I thought was respect I wanted from you. "Mulder, I want to be your partner but I need to know you see me as an equal part of that relationship and that I'm more than just someone to do your dirty work. I need that and I need you in so many other ways." He silenced her with a kiss. "Scully, I was ignoring you and trying to make you mad because I was trying to put some distance between us. I've gotten so close to you that I need your presence around me like I need my next breath. I was scared to death of how you'd react if you knew how I really felt about you. It's stupid, I know, I was in denial. I thought if I told myself I didn't love about you eventually I'd believe it. "It didn't work and when I found out what happened with Jerse I lost it. Because I was jealous, because I was afraid of losing you and I knew it was all my fault. Look, I know you did what you did as an act of rebellion. I deserved it but you didn't deserve the consequences. Next time you get mad at me, just skip to the part where you belt me. I'd much rather get hurt than let something hurt you. "And as for being my equal. Scully, there is no one I'd rather have at my side than you. You keep our work grounded and credible and I couldn't do it without you. You're more important to me and this work.our work than anything else. As far as I'm concerned, you're more than my equal. I'm just sorry I didn't tell you before now." She stood there staring at him. "What is it Scully?" "Could you go back over the part where you were in denial about loving me?" He laughed. "I guess that wasn't a very romantic way to put it huh, Scully? I'm not in denial anymore. I do love you." She hugged him tightly and he ran his hands along her back. It felt so good to hold her like this. She was crying lightly now, but he knew they were happy tears. He kissed the top of her head. His hand settled near the small of her back and he began drawing circles. His eidetic memory flashed the photos of the tattoo across his mind. He wanted to see it, to trace its lines over her skin. The thought of her doing something so impulsive made his heart race. Thoughts of the wild colors swirling against the alabaster of her skin were painfully erotic to him. He smoothed her hair and tilted her chin up with his free hand. He kissed her on the lips. "Scully, I want to see the tattoo." XxX She arched an eyebrow skyward. She was too intrigued to be embarrassed. She touched a finger to his lips. "You want to see the tattoo?" "Yeah. To be honest, the fact that you did that.umm.it sorta turns me on, Scully." He flashed her his lopsided grin as he ran his hand over the fabric over the tattoo. She felt the heat rise in her cheeks. Ever since she'd come back from Philadelphia she'd felt stupid about it. Mulder was right, it had been an act of rebellion. At first she debated not telling him, letting it be her own little secret. Then she'd thought it'd be fun to tell him that she got the tattoo just to shock him. The ergot poisoning had made up her mind for her. He'd already seen pictures of the damn thing. She turned away from him and shrugged out of her jacket. She pulled her shirt from the waistband of her skirt and lowered it to reveal the artwork. She heard him bend down behind her. She was startled when she felt his cool fingertip trace over the design. Shivers ran down her spine, a touch this intimate was sheer electricity. She didn't want him to stop. He placed his hands on her hips and placed a light kiss in the middle of tattoo. Scully suddenly felt very warm. He started to move up, but he grasped the sides of her shirt pushing it up and over her head. She whirled around to face him. "Mulder." "I like the artwork but I'm more interested in the canvas it's painted on." He kissed her hard, pushing her back onto the sofa behind them. Her world seemed to be spinning out of control. She wanted this but she knew they shouldn't. XxX Mulder's mind had an annoying way of reminding him this was his partner. His body, on the other hand, was in complete control now. The small patch of skin she'd allowed him to see only made him want to see more. The fact that she was kissing him back didn't hurt either. He moved his hands around her back and unclasped her bra, slowly sliding the lacy garment up her arms and tossing it aside. His fingers quickly found her already hard nipples and rolled them between his thumb and forefinger. She gasped into his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He broke the kiss and looked into her eyes. "Scully, I want to make love to you." She ran a finger down his face and over his full bottom lip. "Mulder, if I wanted you to stop, I would have decked you again when you asked to see the tattoo." He started to laugh but was cut short when she leaned up and kissed him roughly. He felt her fingers at his throat loosening his tie. She quickly worked it free and began working at his buttons. He stopped her to stand and toss aside the offending garment. Scully sighed as his hands roamed down her back to lower the zipper of her skirt. It dropped into a pool around her ankles and she stepped out of it. Finished with the buttons of his shirt, she slid it off of his shoulders. He tossed it aside and watched as she took off her pantyhose. She reached for his belt but he stopped her, kissing her. He pulled away and looked deeply into her eyes. Without a word he took her hand and led her to the bedroom down the hall. XxX There wasn't much in the small condo and the bedroom was no exception. A small dresser sat near the window with nothing on it but a picture of a young girl. On the opposite wall was a bed covered simply with a hunter green comforter. Scully could tell it had been months since someone has slept in this bed. Mulder was moving around behind her. The rustle of fabric caused her to turn to see him clad only in his navy blue boxer briefs. She crossed the short distance to him and traced his hard length through the soft cotton. He groaned and gripped her shoulders pushing her back onto the bed. She felt him trail a line of kisses down to the hollow of her throat. Lacing her fingers through his hair, she cried out when took one of her nipples into his mouth. "Oh God Mulder." She slid a hand under the waistband of his boxers and cupped him lightly. His hips bucked into her hand involuntarily. She moved her head down and took one of his nipples into her mouth, repeating the rhythm of her hand on his penis with her tongue on his nipples. "Sculleee." Moving back up, he took her ear in his mouth, sucking lightly, and she momentarily lost her train of thought. She almost came when he began to whisper in her ear. "Scully, I want to touch you. I want to feel you writhe beneath me, because of me. I want to watch you come and scream my name. I want to be inside you and feel you come around me and with me. Do you want all that too?" His hand slipped lower, under the flimsy elastic band of her panties. His long fingers parted her folds and stroked her. She was losing control, but not in the way she had with Jerse. This was different. This was Mulder and it felt right. It was OK to lose control with Mulder. He wouldn't hurt her. "Oh God yes Fox, please." XxX The sound of her voice calling out his given name was doing unnatural things to his lower body. He wondered if she'd given herself to Jerse this way. A twinge of jealousy crept across him. For a long time now he'd thought of Scully as his and his alone. He cursed himself for pushing her to the point she felt she needed the attention of someone else. He also remembered all the times she'd told him she wanted a life. He was painfully aware their work and his quest for the truth was keeping her from that. Yet here she was, offering even more of herself to him. His heart swelled and he began to cry. His jealousy had turned to guilt and he backed away from her. "Mulder?" "Scully, it's not fair. I'm sorry. I understand why you did what you did. I take so much from you and I never give it back. You give me everything I need to keep going and yet I have so little to offer you. All I have to give to you is my heart and my body. It's just not enough, Scully." "Mulder. I'm a big girl. I can decide what I want for myself. I went to Jerse because I needed something physical. All this time, I've had the mental and spiritual side of a relationship but not the physical. Usually it's easy to get by without that, but here lately it hasn't been. "You have my heart and you've offered me yours. I promise to keep it safe as long as you do the same with mine." "I love you, Scully." "I love you, Mulder. Now didn't you say something about your body being part of this bargain?" XxX She grinned at the sly smile she'd gotten from her partner. He knelt in front of her and slid her panties down and off. He placed warm, wet kisses on the insides of her thighs. She could feel his hot breath deep in her core. She laced her fingers through his hair in anticipation of what was to come next. He kissed her clitoris lightly, then licked it. She gasped. "Do you like that, Dana? Does that make you feel wild and reckless?" He licked at her again and then sucked lightly. He nipped at the taut bundle of nerves and her muscles tensed. She knew she was close. He continued his assault with his tongue and lips making her moan. Her hips bucked wildly, desperately searching for release. "Mulder, please I want." "What do you want?" "You. Inside me. NOW." He kissed her lips and she could taste herself. Lost in her desire she reached blindly for him but he stopped her and guided himself inside her. They both moaned as they came full circle, like the snake on her back. They had long fulfilled one another as partners and friends. Now they had satiated another burning need, one that only the other could completely satisfy. He pulled almost all the way out then plunged back into her again. Instinctively, she knew his rhythm. As though working with him all this time, she knew things about him her mind had never told her. But now, the secrets were revealed. Despite the danger their union posed, it was somehow right. All of the pain and loneliness she'd felt washed away with each thrust. She grew closer and closer to the safe place she sought with Ed Jerse but was now finding with man her heart had wanted all along. XxX Both of them came crashing together in a shattering orgasm. She cried his name and they lie spent. He smoothed her sweat streaked hair away from her face. He saw a calmness that hadn't been there before. He felt it himself. He felt foolish for not telling her sooner. For not taking this step sooner. He kissed her face and her eyelids. His hands cupped both of her cheeks and he held her like a precious stone. "Dana, please.never.never." "Fox. He was only a substitute for what I really wanted. Regardless of what my body craved, no one could ever replace you in my heart. You're who I want and now that I have you, why would I want anyone else?" XxX Finis "Every book you ever read, if there's an outdoor scene, an open window, or even a door slightly ajar, the writer has to say, 'As Bo and Velma walked along the shore, the clouds hung ponderously on the horizon like steel-gray, loosely formed gorilla turds.' I'm not interested. Skip the clouds and get to the fucking." -George Carlin