Title:  Surprise
Author: KrisC
ships_psych@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17 
Classification: MSR, Angst 
Distribution: Anywhere as long as you let me know. 
Spoilers: "Revelations", "Never Again", "Leonard Betts", "The 
Beginning" 
Disclaimer: No, I don't own them.  Then again, I'm not making any money 
either. 
Author's Notes at the end. 
XXXXXXXXX
 
Fox Mulder was working on expense reports when he heard the office 
door open. "Hello, Fox."  He stood up and smiled as he walked over to greet 
Mrs. Scully, who pulled him into a quick embrace. 
 
"Hello, Mrs. Scully.  This is a pleasant surprise.  To what do we owe this 
pleasure?"  Mulder was fond of Mrs. Scully, and he had missed seeing her 
recently. 
 
"It's nice to see you again."  She glanced into the adjoining room to find 
it empty.  "Is Dana here?  We're supposed to go to lunch today." 
 
Her daughter chose that moment to reappear at the door.  "Hi, Mom.  
You're early."  She joined Mulder and her mother, at which point Mulder 
wandered back to his desk, leaning against the front of it. 
 
"Yes, honey, I know that, but I realized that you might want to pick up a 
present for Charlie while we're out.  His birthday is next Friday, and 
you'll need to get it in the mail if he's going to get it in time." 
 
Scully stole a glance at Mulder, only to find him closely inspecting the 
tiles of the floor in front of him. 
 
"I'm so glad you reminded me.  I would have forgotten all about it.  I 
guess I never realized his birthday was so close to Mulder's." 
 
Mrs. Scully smiled at Mulder.  "Fox, when is your birthday?" 
 
Scully took advantage of Mulder's being caught off guard and answered 
her mother, "Tomorrow, right Mulder?" 
 
Mulder looked at Scully, genuinely surprised.  "Yeah, Scully."  He 
grinned at them both.  "That's right, it's tomorrow."  He was pleased to realize 
that Scully had remembered his birthday. 
 
Mrs. Scully walked over to Mulder.  "Do you have any plans for your 
birthday?" 
 
Mulder's expression turned from pleasure to embarrassment.  "No, not 
really. It's never been a big deal to me." 
 
She took his hand in hers.  "Nonsense.  Dana and I had planned on going 
to an opening at the National Gallery tomorrow night.  Why don't you come 
for dinner first and go with us?" 
 
"That's very nice of you to offer, Mrs. Scully, but I wouldn't want to 
intrude on any plans you had." 
 
Scully walked over to his desk.  "You won't be intruding, Mulder.  She's 
right.  You should join us."  She looked him in the eyes, and for a 
moment, it seemed as if she forgot they weren't alone  "I--we-- would really like it 
if you came along.  If you're a good boy maybe we can get her to make 
lasagna." 
 
Mulder chuckled. "Well, it does sound better than Chinese takeout."  He 
looked at Mrs. Scully again.  "I'd love to come.  What time should I be 
there?" 
 
"The opening is at 8:30, so how about 6:00?" 
 
Mulder watched as Scully retrieved her purse.  "It's a date." He thought he 
saw Scully's face redden at his words. 
 
Scully took her mother's elbow.  "C'mon, we'd better go if we want to miss 
the noontime traffic.  Mulder, I'll be back in about an hour." 
 
Mulder watched as they headed out the door.  "OK.  Have a nice time."  
When he could no longer hear any trace of their voices, he turned his attention 
back to the file he was working on, feeling better than he had in a long 
while. 
 
At 5:50 the next evening he pulled into a parking space outside Scully's 
building and took a minute to look in the rearview mirror.  He was 
actually pleased with the reflection he saw, for no other reason than there must be 
something there worth liking.  He might not be able to see it, but 
obviously Scully and her mother did.  They liked him enough to make him part of 
their plans, to make sure he spent this evening with friends.  He was actually 
looking forward to it. 
 
October 13th. He had seen a lot of them in his life.  About one a year, he 
sarcastically thought.  It had never been a particularly important day for 
Fox Mulder. So what if it was his birthday? Big deal. After Sam was 
taken, his family never celebrated anything. And as he grew older, it was just a 
reminder that another year had passed and he had nothing to show for it. 
 
But this year ... maybe this year would be different.  He had someone that 
cared enough to make sure he didn't spend it alone. 
 
Somewhere between his car and Scully's front door, Mulder's confidence 
bid a hasty retreat, and he began to obsess about all of the things that could go 
wrong tonight.  What if he said something stupid and insulted Mrs. 
Scully? What if one of his lame jokes misfired?  By the time he rang the bell he 
was a jumble of nerves. 
 
He heard Scully's voice through the door.  "C'mon in Mulder, just use your 
key."  He dug his keys out of his pocket and inserted it in the lock, then 
swung the door open to find the room in complete darkness. 
 
"Scully?" he asked, unable to keep the concern out of his voice. 
 
Suddenly the lights came on, and while his eyes were adjusting, he heard 
numerous voices shout out, "Surprise!"  He blinked a few times and 
looked around the room in amazement.  He wasn't sure if he was really seeing all 
these people, coming to give him their best wishes for his birthday.  The 
Gunmen. Skinner and Kimberly. Danny. Holly. Chuck.  Some of the guys 
he played B-ball with. Mrs. Scully. And of course, Scully. 
 
He looked up to see Scully standing in her kitchen, wearing an amused 
grin. 
 
He caught her eye and simply smiled at her.  To his immense pleasure, she 
smiled back.  Somehow he would find a way to thank her for this.  He 
knew, despite her mother's help, that this had been her operation.  And she had 
done one hell of a job. 
 
************ 
 
Dinner was delicious, and he loved all of the presents, even though most 
were gag gifts. Scully had even gotten him one of those 'leashes' to put on 
his cel phone, joking that she had run out of excuses for their expense 
reports. That comment was met with a roar of laughter, led by A.D. 
Skinner. 
 
Mulder couldn't remember the last time he'd had so much fun. 
 
Sadly, it had to end, and at about 10:00 the guests began to leave.  Within 
a short time the only people left in Scully's living room were Mulder, 
Scully, and her mother. 
 
Mrs. Scully rose from her chair and began to gather up the empty glasses 
to take into the kitchen. 
 
"Mom, you don't need to do that," Scully protested.  "I can take care of it. 
You have still have to drive home." 
 
Mulder jumped to his feet.  "Yes, Mrs. Scully.  I can stay and help.  I'm so 
keyed up, I won't be able to sleep, so I might as well put this nervous 
energy to use."  He walked over to her and took her hands in his.  "Thank 
you so much for doing this.  You can't imagine how much it meant to me." 
 
"It was my pleasure, Fox.  You are very special to Dana, and when she 
told me her idea, I was more than happy to help." She looked at them both.  
"Are you sure that you can handle this mess?" 
 
Mulder and Scully looked at each other, then began to laugh.  Mrs. Scully 
looked at them as if they had grown two heads.  "What's so funny, if you 
don't mind me asking?"  Mulder walked to the closet to get Mrs. Scully's 
coat, leaving Scully to explain. 
 
Scully put her arm around her mother.  "Mom, compared to Mulder's 
apartment, this is nothing." 
 
Mulder returned to the two women, holding Mrs. Scully's coat.  "Gee, 
Scully, you're ruining all of my mystique." 
 
He helped Mrs. Scully with her coat. "Don't worry, Fox, your secret is safe 
with me."  She turned to face Scully.  "Darling, call me tomorrow?" 
 
"Sure, Mom.  Drive safely."  She gave her mother a warm hug.  Mrs. 
Scully then stepped away from her daughter and opened her arms to receive one 
from Mulder. 
 
"Thanks again, Mrs. Scully." 
 
She opened the door and turned to him.  "You're welcome, Fox.  You're 
very welcome."  With that she stepped out the door and closed it behind her. 
 
Mulder and Scully turned to survey the mess.  All in all, it wasn't that 
bad.  The dinner dishes and some glasses comprised the majority of it.  It 
wouldn't be that hard to clean up.  Mulder sighed. 
 
"C'mon Mulder, let's get it over with."  She walked into the living room 
and began to gather the dishes.  "How about you rinse the dishes and I'll load 
them into the dishwasher?" 
 
"Sounds good to me."  He headed to the kitchen and began to scrape and 
rinse the dishes.  When he finished that, he grabbed the vacuum and quickly ran 
it over the carpet.  The cleaning continued in companionable silence, and 
after only about twenty minutes the apartment was clean. 
 
He was just putting away the vacuum when Scully came out with a bottle 
of wine and two glasses.  "It's the last bottle, and I'd hate to see it go to 
waste.  Want to help me finish it off?  I'll never drink it otherwise." 
 
"Sure, Scully.  Want to listen to that CD that your mother gave me?" 
 
"That would be nice.  I hope you like it.  She really didn't know what to 
get you."  Scully sat down on the sofa and poured the wine. 
 
Mulder picked up the CD and looked at the title: "The Peacock's Feather- 
A Celtic Quest".  He inserted the CD and hit the play button.  "I've never 
really listed to Celtic music before, but I'm sure I'll like it.  She really 
didn't have to get me anything.  I can't believe that you guys did this." He 
sat down next to Scully. 
 
She took a sip of her wine. "I wanted to, Mulder.  I wanted you to know 
that you do have people that care about you.  Besides," she flashed a smile at 
him, "Mom thought it would be fun, and who am I to disappoint her?" 
 
They sat on the sofa, drinking the wine, listening to the haunting sounds 
emanating from the speakers. Mulder couldn't believe that he was this 
lucky. 
 
Leave it to Scully to find a way to make him feel special. He allowed his 
eyes to drift closed. He reopened them just in time to catch a glimpse of 
her yawning.  He hadn't realized how late it had gotten, but he couldn't 
bring himself to leave. 
 
He reached next to him and grabbed the pillow that was wedged between 
his hip and the arm of the couch.  He placed a pillow against his right thigh 
and tugged Scully's arm. She arched her eyebrow, but finally put her head 
on the pillow, sighing contentedly. 
 
As Mulder leaned his head back against the sofa, he let his mind explore 
of all of the things that Scully was to him. Friend, partner... soulmate? 
Absentmindedly, he began to run his fingers up and down Scully's arm, 
tracing abstract shapes, applying varying pressure, slowing, but never 
quite stopping. 
 
This continued for minutes... hours, for all he knew. By the time he 
realized what he was doing, his fingers were including her shoulders, 
back, neck, and right breast. That sigh-- was that *Scully*?! He blinked a few 
times to bring himself back to reality. 
 
For a moment he was terror-stricken. Then he realized what she was 
doing-- running her left hand absently over his leg. That conscious thought was all 
it took. Somehow Scully sensed the change in him, and she rolled on her 
back to face him. Their eyes met for what seemed an eternity. Then slowly, 
Scully sat up and pressed her lips to his. 
 
Fireworks. He really saw fireworks. Every nerve ending was alive when 
they finally parted. Did that happen? Had they really kissed? He looked into 
Scully's eyes, which were blazing an even more intense shade of blue, if 
that was even possible. He wanted her. Now. Then he saw it. She nodded-
she nodded!-- and slowly stood, taking his hand into hers. And without a 
sound, she led him to her bedroom. 
 
For the first time in his life, Mulder was speechless. Was this happening? 
This was something he had only dared to dream, and even then he hated 
himself for it afterwards. 
 
Slowly they walked to her bedroom and stood next to her bed.  She 
reached down and turned on a lamp.  Turning, she wrapped her arms around his 
neck and kissed him again, this time more hungrily than the last. Their lips 
parted, and their tongues met. 
 
He felt the shiver run through her body, and for the first time in over 
twenty-five years, he gave thanks to God. For bringing Scully to him. For 
letting her remain by his side. For allowing her to love him. When the kiss 
ended, his thoughts were a blur, his head swimming. And he felt a 
pronounced throbbing in his groin. He knew she did, too. 
 
He smiled at her and opened his mouth to speak.  She silenced him by 
putting a finger to his lips and shaking her head. Fine. At this point he was 
unwilling to do anything that might jeopardize the course that they had 
chartered. 
 
He watched in disbelief as Scully began to untuck his dress shirt. After she 
had removed it, she began to trail tiny kisses starting at the hollow of his 
throat, heading lower. He tried to remain still, but his body just wouldn't 
comply when she stopped to take one of his nipples in her warm, wet 
mouth. 
 
He gasped and gently pulled her away. He quickly pulled off her sweater 
and removed her bra. Her breasts were magnificent-- small and full.  He 
realized that they were the most perfect pair he had ever seen. Then again, this was 
Scully-- everything on her was perfect. He then unbuttoned her jeans and 
slid them off along with her panties, then quickly divested himself of his 
clothes. While he was doing that, she took the opportunity to lie on the 
bed. 
 
When Mulder turned to face her, he almost wept. She was by far the most 
beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He lay down on the right side 
of her bed and began to trace the same shapes he had been drawing on her 
arm earlier, this time using her entire body as a canvas. 
 
He was fascinated by every change, every movement she made. He smiled 
as his fingertips grazed the peak of her nipple, making it stand at full attention. 
 
He eagerly took one in his mouth and began to lavish all of his attention 
on it. After a few minutes, he released his captive and began the same assault 
on its twin. By the time he had finished, he could hear the throbbing of 
Scully's heart, matching the throbbing going on between his legs. 
 
He began his tracings again, this time lazily heading for the patch of 
auburn curls situated between her legs. His only thought was that if he 
could just touch her, just once, he'd die a happy man. He felt a shudder as 
his fingers touched her clit. It was like liquid fire. She was hot, so hot, 
and incredibly slick as well. He knew she was as aroused as he was. And 
he didn't think she could wait much longer. 
 
He was actually surprised that she was remaining as passive as she was for 
this long. She gasped as his finger flicked her swollen nub. He loved that 
sound, and began to slowly stroke the nub, watching Scully fight for 
control, hearing her breathing quicken. After just a few minutes of this 
torture, he felt her nails begin to dig into his shoulder. It was time. 
 
Mulder positioned himself between Scully's legs and slowly entered her. 
Home. That was his first thought. This is what it is like to be home. He 
began to move, using all of the mental ability he still possessed to keep 
from ramming into her. It did not take long before she was urging him 
faster, deeper, harder. He felt her rise to the edge of the cliff. With no 
further warning, she began to contract around him, and that was all it took 
to start his fall. All restraint was forgotten as their cries and moans 
filled the room. 
 
It was over too soon. Mulder rolled off of her, turning her to face him in 
one movement. He let out a sigh of contentment, and Scully took a deep, 
ragged breath. She placed a warm kiss on his lips and snuggled into his 
arms, her head resting against his collarbone. He felt, rather than heard 
what she said to him. 
 
"Happy birthday, Mulder." 
 
********** 
Scully awoke with a start.  She had the feeling that she was not alone.  
And then she realized that she wasn't.  A slight smile crossed her lips.  Her 
head was throbbing, but that wasn't the only thing that was.  A warm 
feeling spread throughout her body as she remembered the night before. 
 
She was pleasantly surprised when she felt a finger begin to tease her 
nipple.   She smiled as she recognized Mulder playing one of his favorite 
games from last night-- using her body as a canvas for his doodling. She 
opened her eyes to see him gazing at her with a look that sent a shiver 
down her spine. He bent down and pressed his lips to hers, gently at first. 
Within seconds, the kiss deepened until they had to part to catch their 
breath. 
 
She felt the light kisses continue along her jaw to her earlobe.  Her body 
arched when his tongue snaked inside.  She was powerless to remain still 
as he... he made love to her ear.  That was the only way to put it.  The 
feeling was incredible.  She swore that she could feel the sensations in 
every pore.  She finally had to pull away from him in order to keep herself 
from climaxing right then.  She had forgotten how wonderful it was to 
wake up with an aroused man in her bed-- one that was just as concerned about 
pleasing her as he was himself, if not more. "Mulder, we need to take a 
shower.  It's already after 10 o'clock." 
 
He looked at her with questioning eyes.  The uncertainty began to ease as 
he computed what she had said.  "We?" 
 
"Uh-huh.  C'mon." 
 
She had to suppress a giggle as she watched him bound into the bathroom. 
She grabbed her flannel bathrobe off the chair and turned to find him 
staring at her with an incredulous look. 
 
"What?  I'm cold." 
 
"Then come here.  I think I can come up with a way to warm you up."  
Had his voice always been that sensual? 
 
"You do, do you?  I can't wait to see how." 
 
As she passed him in the doorway, he took the robe from her shoulders 
and hung it on a hook on the back of the door before closing it.  She turned on 
the shower.  "I hope you like it hot."  Oh, Lord.  Had she really said that? 
She felt herself begin to blush. 
 
"I love it hot.  The hotter the better," he replied as he stepped over next 
to her.  "I thought you would have figured that out by now.  Are you hot, 
Scully?" 
 
She nodded mutely as he began nibbling on the ear that had been forgotten 
earlier. "And are you wet, Scully?"  She nodded ever so slightly and was 
incredibly thankful when he wrapped his arms around her.  She was sure if 
he hadn't she would have embarrassed herself by falling to the floor as her 
legs lost the ability to support her.   "Then let's get on with our shower." 
 
He gallantly held back the curtain and waited for her to get in before he 
quickly followed.  He intercepted her hand as she reached for the sponge. 
"No, let me.  Please."  She let her hand drop to her side.  He quickly built 
up some lather on the sponge, recognizing the clean scent he now referred 
to as 'Scully'.  He was glad that she didn't hide her natural scent with a lot 
of perfume and fragrances.  Her personal smell was just one of the many 
things that he loved about her. 
 
He took his time, running the soapy sponge over her taut nipples, not 
really worrying about getting Scully clean; he was much more interested in 
watching her body's response to his touches.  He was fascinated by the way her 
nipples swelled and changed color.  Normally they were a pale peachy 
pink, but when she was extremely aroused they turned a color best described as 
mauve.  He noticed the goosebumps that formed when his breath caught 
her ear.  He grew incredibly hard when he heard the gasp she gave as he 
washed the auburn curls between her thighs.  When he finished, she turned to look 
at him, and felt as if her eyes were looking straight into his soul. 
 
Scully started by pressing kisses to his collarbone.  He relaxed against the 
wall of the shower as he felt her lips meander down his chest.  He felt the 
kissing stop, and when he opened his eyes, he couldn't believe the sight 
before him.  Scully was down on her knees, between his legs. 
 
He grinned like a drunken schoolboy for a moment, sobering completely 
when he felt her take him in her mouth.  She smiled at the ragged sigh he let 
out, and took him deeper into her mouth.  Mulder knew that making love 
with Scully had been great, but this was better than anything he had ever felt. 
 
Slowly, almost painfully slowly, she moved her lips up and down his 
shaft, always taking the time to suck on the tip.  After what seemed like an 
eternity, he took her by the arms and brought her to her feet. 
 
"What's the matter?  Didn't you like it?" she whispered to him. 
 
"It was incredible.  But I want to come inside you.  It's where I belong." 
 
With those words he changed places with her.  He lifted her as gently as 
possible and pinned her to the wall, entering her at the same time.  He 
fought for control, as he didn't want it to end.  But they were both too far 
gone for that. 
 
She wrapped her legs around his hips, and her arms around his neck, 
letting her head fall to his shoulder.  "No, Scully, I want to see your face.  
See it when I make you come."  She let her head roll back and used her legs to 
pull him deeper inside.  He watched as her eyes slowly closed, and she 
began to grind against him. 
 
He smiled as she let out what he would later tell her was the sexiest growl 
he had ever heard, and felt the first waves of her orgasm overtake her. 
 
A few more deep strokes were all it took for him to join her in ecstasy. 
Spent, they rested against the wall of the shower.  After catching their 
breath, she pulled his face down to hers.  "I love you, Fox Mulder, you 
know that?"  And he did. 
 
"I know.  I know." 
 
Quietly, they took turns washing each other, and rinsing all of the soap 
away.  Finally Scully reached down and turned off the shower.  Mulder 
stepped from the shower first, grabbing a towel and carelessly wrapping it 
around his waist.  He grabbed the second towel hanging on the towel rack 
and held it up for Scully to step into.  As she went to take the towel from 
Mulder's hands, he shook his head, whispering, "No, let me." 
 
He began to slowly dry her body, starting at her shoulders.   When he 
reached her waist, he brushed over her tattoo.  As he grazed it a second 
time, he paused with his hand just below the tattoo.  Before Scully realized 
what had captured his attention, he began to trace the outline of the tattoo 
with his right index finger.  "It is beautiful, you know that?" 
 
Scully tensed as she realized what he was referring to.  Mulder sensed it. 
"What's wrong?" 
 
"Nothing, Mulder.  It's just... I... we never talked about what happened 
after that day in the office.  And now I'm not sure what to say."  It was 
now or never, she thought.  The ramifications of the conversation that 
would follow frightened her, but she also knew it was something that had to be 
done before their relationship went any further. 
 
He reached for her robe off the back of the door and opened it for her to 
put on.  "Why is there anything to say?" 
 
She put the robe on as she spoke.  "Because Mulder, this tattoo is 
symbolic to me of a time that was very dark for me... for us.  It serves as a 
reminder to me not to let it happen again.  In fact, this tattoo is the one 
thing that kept me from walking away from you after we got back from 
Arizona last year." 
 
Scully took his hand and led him back to the bedroom.  She sat on the bed 
and patted the spot next to her, indicating that he should sit.  "I know 
that this is not a conversation that you want to have, but I think that it 
is one we need to have." 
 
Hesitantly, Mulder came over to sit down beside her.  He clasped his 
hands in his lap, head down.   Scully reached over and took one of his hands into 
her own.  "Mulder, I have a lot of things I want... no... I need to say to 
you.  But I want you to know that these things, they don't change the way 
that I feel about you.  Will you, can you listen to what I have to say?" 
 
Mulder looked into her eyes, and Scully saw a fear in them that almost 
unnerved her.  Pure, unadulterated fear.  "Yeah, Scully, go on." 
 
She took a deep breath, and began.  "I almost don't know where to begin. 
There is something that I never told you.  You remember when I was in 
the ambulance with Leonard Betts?"  She saw him nod.  "Well, before he 
died, he told me something.  He looked at me and told me 'You have something I 
need.'" 
 
Mulder's head snapped up at that comment.  "Yes, Mulder, I knew exactly 
what he meant.  I felt like I had just been dealt a death sentence.  Like all of 
the air had been sucked from my lungs.  In defending myself, I was on 
autopilot.  Caught between the preservation of his life and my own 
self-preservation, the struggle was internalized.   I never meant to kill 
him.  I just knew I wasn't ready to die." 
 
"After it was over I went numb.  I had just killed a man.  I wanted... I 
needed to gain control over my own life.  Over the past few years, since 
my abduction, I had not felt totally in control.  It seemed like just when I 
thought I had a grasp on it, it was snatched away.  Throughout it all, there 
was you.  The only constant, however inconstant you may be, in my life." 
 
He stroked her hand.  "I'm sorry, Scully, I had no idea."  His voice was 
barely a whisper and his eyes were filled with tears.  She stood and began 
to pace next to the bed. 
 
"You're right, you had no idea."  She paused to steal a glance at him 
before continuing.  As much as she knew what she was going to say might hurt 
him, it needed to be said.  "You were, shall we say, rather self-absorbed.  I 
didn't know how to reach through that.  I didn't know if you'd want me to." 
 
"Why didn't you just tell me?  I can't believe you never said anything." 
 
"What should I have said?"  She really wanted to know what she could 
have said that would have changed the course of events all those years ago. 
 
"How about 'Hey Mulder, Leonard Betts told me I have cancer'?"  He did 
the best he could to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.  Scully was actually 
opening up to him and he didn't want to blow it. 
 
"Really?  And you would have said 'C'mon, Scully.'" 
 
He knew she was probably right, but to hear the distrust she felt for him 
hurt, and he couldn't contain it.  "Why do you think I wouldn't have 
believed you?  I mean, I know we have always, and probably will always 
disagree about our work, but why would you think I wouldn't believe that? 
We're talking about 'Spooky' Mulder.  You know, he'll believe just about 
anything!" 
 
His accusations stung, and she stopped her pacing.  Quietly, she said, 
"You didn't believe me about Kevin Cryder." 
 
His voice softened.  "But Scully, you were asking me to put my trust in 
something I have no faith in: God." 
 
"What about Boggs?" 
 
He sighed.  "I don't have an excuse for that.  But that was also three years 
earlier.  A lot had changed since then.  We had changed since then." 
 
Her pacing began again.  "But you never deal honestly with your 
emotions." 
 
She cut off his reply with, "And neither do I.  You make jokes while I 
withdraw.  I did try to talk to you." 
 
"When?" 
 
"That day, in the office, before you went on your forced vacation to 
Graceland.  You just weren't listening." 
 
"I'm sorry Scully, but I don't remember the conversation that day ever 
including anything about your personal life.   Just about a desk." 
 
She just chuckled as he continued, "Were you speaking in some code that 
I just failed to translate?" 
 
How could she explain it to him?  "Listen to yourself, Mulder! You, who 
can extrapolate a profile based on your intuition and be right most of the time, 
you couldn't even *see* that anything was wrong, let alone figure out what 
it was." 
 
"I'm lost," he said, and the confusion was evident on his face.  "I guess I 
wasn't paying very good attention to you, and I'm sorry." 
 
"I needed to hurt you."  She didn't know if anything in her life had ever 
caused as much shame as that admission did. 
 
The confusion quickly gave way to shock.  That was something he never 
expected to hear from her.  He would never expect her to be so... so petty. 
 
She tried to soften the blow with, "I needed you to see that there was more 
to me than your partner.  My world was falling apart, and you were more 
concerned with chasing UFOs." 
 
Did she really have no clue how he had felt towards her?  "It took 
everything I had to only think of you as my partner.  I was afraid if I 
opened that door, I'd never be able to close it again." 
 
Scully made her way over to the window and leaned against the frame, 
then looked at him.  "I had no one to talk to.  I couldn't tell my mother, she'd 
lost so much already.  I wanted to tell *you*, but then you took off and 
left me to do you scut work.  Which I did.  And I had every intention of 
returning from Philadelphia that same night, until you called." 
 
He shifted on the bed to look at her.  "What did my call have to do with 
your decision?" 
 
"You made me feel worthless as an investigator... and as a woman."  Her 
eyes dropped as she spoke the words. 
 
Those words burned into his soul.  "I... I never meant to do anything like 
that." 
 
"Of course not.  How could you know that your simple little jest would be 
taken so seriously?  Whether you meant it to hurt or not, it did.  So I set 
out to get back at you.   I was acting like a spoiled brat." 
 
Mulder could tell that admission was hard for her to make.  Scully prided 
herself on her professionalism.  How could he have been so blind to what 
she had gone through?  "You've never acted like that.  Anything you felt was 
justified." 
 
"Whether it was justified or not, I let you get to me."  She took a deep 
breath.  "I was acting very irrationally, letting my emotions control my 
actions." 
 
"That happens to all of us at one time or another.  And you were going 
through more than I ever imagined." 
 
She lifted her head.  "I just felt the need to regain a sense of myself. But 
ultimately I went out with Jerse to get back at you."  At this point she 
turned her back to him and stared out the window. 
 
He took a deep breath.  "OK, I can understand that, but what does that 
have to do with the tattoo?"  He was still having trouble making the connection, 
but he did not want the conversation to end.  Not now. 
 
Again she let out a little laugh.  "You mean other than the fact that it was 
the way I felt my life was going?  Round and round in circles?" 
 
He pieced together the information that she had given to him.  "So you got 
a tattoo that symbolized what you felt was a lack of meaning in your life? 
Did that empower you somehow?"  She could tell he was really trying to 
make sense of what she was telling him. 
 
"The tattoo, coupled with a few drinks, empowered me with the 
confidence to take a chance by going back to his apartment." 
 
He quickly answered her with, "You don't have to tell me anything else."  
He was clearly was rattled by what she might say.  He was suddenly very 
interested in the edge of the towel he still had wrapped around his waist. 
 
He almost didn't hear her when she said, "I would have told you then, but 
you didn't ask." 
 
He still could not bear to look at her.  "I was afraid to find out what had 
actually happened.  Because when you got home, I wasn't sure why, but 
somehow I knew I was at least partially to blame for what you had done." 
 
She smiled to herself.  Of course Mulder would accept the blame, even if 
he had no idea why.  "You were only responsible for me accepting his offer 
to go out.  After that, it all just spiraled, gaining momentum, until I could 
barely catch my breath.  As the evening drew to a close, I kept asking 
myself, should I stay, or should I go." 
 
"And ultimately, you decided to stay.  I read that in the police report." He 
remembered how reading that made him feel.  Like he had been sucker 
punched right in the stomach.  It was the same feeling he was experiencing now. 
 
"A part of me reveled in the attention I was receiving and, had I wanted a 
purely sexual experience, it was mine for the taking.  To have sex with 
Jerse would have meant giving up control.  Now giving up control is not 
always a bad thing, and had it been with someone I knew better, I might 
have taken the chance.  But being faced with my own mortality, I knew I could 
not play games with my life."  She could only hope that he understood what 
she was trying to say. 
 
Mulder's eyes narrowed, as if he was still processing this bit of 
information.  He finally raised his head.  "So nothing happened.  You 
didn't sleep with him."  She immediately heard the relief in his voice.  "So that 
gave you the control you were looking for?" 
 
Mulder willed her to look at her, but she remained motionless.  "I'm not 
saying I didn't want him.  I did.  I wasn't trying to deny my sexuality. " 
Finally, she turned to face him.  "But he wasn't you.  And it just wasn't 
worth it." 
 
Their eyes met for a long moment.  Mulder finally broke the silence.  
"God, Scully, I don't even know what to say.  It seems a moot point to say that I 
had no idea.  That was the whole problem, wasn't it?" 
 
She nodded.  "Yes, Mulder, it was." 
 
Silence again engulfed the room.  Mulder could not believe that he caused 
her that much pain.  She was the one person he would die for to spare her 
from the torment she had suffered.  But there was still something that he 
could not make sense of.  "I'm still not sure I understand what the 
significance of the tattoo is." 
 
"I'm not sure anyone else is supposed to.   It was shortly after I returned 
from Philadelphia that my cancer was diagnosed."  She graced him with a 
smile.  "And then I saw how much I did mean to you.  That you were 
willing to sacrifice anything to help me.  That you may be clueless sometimes, but 
that in your own way, you did care about me.  And whenever I start to 
question that, I remember the tattoo, and what happened the last time I 
questioned our partnership." 
 
"I more than care for you."  He felt that was the understatement of the 
century.  She had to know how he felt about her. 
 
"I know that.  But two years ago it was enough to know that you cared for 
me.  You found a cure for me.  I like to think that no matter what petty 
arguments we have, that you know that you have become the most 
important thing in my life.  And I believe that the same holds true for me, in yours." 
 
His eyes told her everything that was in his heart.  Everything she could 
ever want to know.  "It does.  I'm glad that you believe that.  That you 
believe in me, and that you believe in *us*." 
 
She nodded slightly.  "I do.  Some days it seems as if it's the only thing 
that gets me through.  It's what makes this," she gestured to the bed, "OK. 
I trust that we will keep each other safe."  She turned again to face the 
window.  She didn't know what else to say.  She had laid her heart out for 
him to see.  And he seemed to understand.  But did he?  Would she ever 
know for sure? 
 
Mulder just sat and watched her for a few moments.  He was unsure of 
how to proceed, how to let her know that he had listened to her, and that he was 
doing his best to make sense of it all.  Maybe it was something that could 
only be proven over time. 
 
Finally, he did the only thing he could think of.  He stood and strode over 
to her.  He came up behind her and put his arms around her, enveloping 
her in his warmth.  "It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day." 
 
The tenderness in his voice filled her eyes with tears.  She knew he was 
trying.  And she loved him for it.  They would make it.  She knew that 
now. It may not always be a smooth path, but they were on it together.  What 
more could she ask for? 
 
She lay her head back against his chest.  "Yes, Mulder, it does." 
 
THE END 
 
Author's Notes:  "The Peacock's Feather- A Celtic Quest" is an actual CD 
by Carol Thompson.  I highly recommend it. 
 
Extra Special Thanks to my wonderful beta readers Alicia K., and 
Paulette; KrisP (my honorary beta) for all her encouragement; all my Shipmates for 
who this was written; and finally, LT for putting up with me while I tried to do 
this.  THANK YOU!! 
 
Feedback appreciated at ships_psych@hotmail.com