Title:    Trust 1&2
Author:   Sara
Rating:   NC-17
Spoilers: En Ami
Keywords: UST/MSR (kind of)
Summary:  The aftermath of En Ami...and the truth about trust.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. 1013 and CC do. Lucky him.

Notes: This is just something I felt I had to write after the episode.
I know reaction is mixed, but this is just my take on the after
effects on the episode. Hope you enjoy, feedback is craved!
(silk1023@aol.com)

Okay to archive anywhere, just let me know where!


*********************

Scully sat in silence, waiting for the Lone Gunmen to finish loading
the disk. She didn't know if she wanted to know what they were about to
find out. She also was avoiding looking at Mulder. He stood in the
doorway, refusing to meet her gaze, rocking slightly back and forth.
She knew she shouldn't feel so bad about not telling him where she was
going, lord knows he'd ditched her too many times to count. But
despite that fact, there was a part of her that felt guilty as hell
for lying to him. She figured it was ironic, but just her nature. She
couldn't help but feel guilty. Added to the fact that Mulder had
barely said two words to her since she'd returned. She sighed, and
turned back at the Gunmen's murmurs.

"There's nothing on it."

The four words sent her into a tailspin. She went to the computer sure
they must be wrong, they had to be, she'd gone through hell to get
this information. But the file was empty, just as part of her, deep
down inside had known it would be. But she'd so hoped it would contain
the answers, hoped she could have learned them, saved them, used them
to help others.

But there was nothing. Like so many other disks over the past five
years of their lives on this quest, yet another one was blank.

She turned, finally meeting Mulder's gaze from the doorway. She could
read a lot of things in the look he gave her. Hurt, disappointment,
frustration, and a simmering anger that he was struggling to hold
onto. But there was also a sense of compassion, something she hadn't
expected to see.

She tried to make him understand that it had to be there, that she'd
truly seen something in the Cigarette Smoking Man that revealed
compassion. She could see the sad resolution on Mulder's face as he
told her she'd been used. She didn't want to believe it, not after
she'd trusted that bastard, put her life in his hands.

She'd rushed, with Mulder this time, to Spender's office, part of her
not surprised to see the place cleaned out. Depression washed over
her, mixed with the guilt of actually trusting the bastard. She
couldn't believe he'd lied to her, despite what Mulder was trying to
say in a resigned, solemn voice. She'd seen something in him.
he'd shown her compassion, and despite all her better judgment, 
she'd believed him. Maybe she'd wanted to believe him too much. The 
thought of curing all known disease.it was something anyone should 
believe in. Only to realize it wasn't possible. It couldn't be, it 
would defy all the laws of science she'd ever been taught.

Still, for one moment, she'd believed the black lunged bastard. Had
actually felt sorry for him. Somewhere, deep inside, had felt a
connection with him, much as she hated to admit it.

She slowly turned and followed Mulder out of Spender's now vacant
office, still unwilling to believe she'd been used. She felt like too
much of a fool to admit it. She was almost unaware of Mulder, until he
came up and gently took her arm, steering her down the stairs and out
to the car. She really hoped he wouldn't say anything else about being
used, she couldn't take it, especially coming right now.

Mulder must have understood because he remained silent on the drive
back, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. Scully was just glad he
didn't try to make her feel guilty. Not once had he done that, even
when she knew he had a right to. Considering the times she'd gotten on
his case for ditching her, she figured he had a right to do the same
to her.

But he remained silent, not saying a word.

Scully began to wonder then, what was he thinking? He certainly had to
have some thoughts on the whole matter, so why wasn't he being his
usual self and expressing them? Was he really that mad at her?

"Mulder.say something why don't you," she said, the silence finally
becoming too much. She almost jumped when she heard his voice in the
quiet of the car.

"What do you want me to say?" he replied, in a steady, non-emotional
voice.

"Anything, yell at me, tell me how stupid I was to trust him, how
stupid it was to lie to you, to run off without you," she began,
seeing him stiffen.

"What right do I have to say that Scully? Look at the times I've done
that to you, run off without an explanation, ditched you to follow
some crazy source that I shouldn't have trusted? What can I say to you
and mean? Sure, I can tell you I'm mad as hell that you trusted that
black lunged bastard, trusted him enough to go off with him, he could
have gotten you killed, damn it!" Mulder's voice was rising now, and
Scully knew her best bet was to remain silent, Mulder needed to get
this off his chest.

"Sure I can tell you it hurts like hell that you'd go off with him and
not tell me, I can tell you how desperate I was when I realized you'd
lied to me, then found out you'd gone off with him. I can tell you how
I raised hell with Skinner and the Gunmen when they couldn't find you.
I could tell you that I didn't sleep at all while you were gone,
simply paced the floor of your apartment, wondering if you were alive,
wondering what he'd told you to get you to go with him, and lie to me.
I can tell you how much it hurt to realize he must have told you
something that you thought you needed to keep from me. I can tell you
how much it hurt to realize you couldn't trust me enough to tell me. I
can tell you lots of things Scully, but I don't have a leg to stand on 
with them, because I've done the same, if not worse to you," he
finished, slamming his hand down on the steering wheel and making her
jump.

Scully took a deep breath, trying to fight back the tears his words
had brought to her throat. It hurt her to watch him like this, in pain
because of something she'd done. Sure, there'd been plenty of times
she'd been the one pacing the floor, waiting for him to come back,
angry as hell that he'd ditched her yet again. But there was still the
part of her that could feel guilt about lying to him, leaving him
without a word. Even though she knew he was right, and he had no
ground to stand on.

But it still hurt. Knowing he thought that of her, knowing he was
wondering if he could trust her. Because she knew he was wondering
that, even though he'd never admit it. Knowing Mulder however, she
knew he'd do his best to push it aside, ignore the nagging doubt at
the back of his mind, but never quite forget.

And she cursed the smoking bastard for using her to put that seed of
distrust there. Knowing full well that he must have realized what he
was doing, using her again in yet another way. To drive a wedge, even
a slight one, between her and the man she trusted most in the entire
world.

Added to that fact he'd unerringly hit on the crux of her relationship
with Mulder. That had thrown her the most. Realizing that maybe she
wasn't as discreet about her feelings for her partner as she liked to 
think. But hearing it from him.hearing him describe her feelings, it 
had made her start.

"You'd die for him, but you won't let yourself love him."

The words echoed in her head, stunning her just as much now as they
had when he'd said them. She didn't want to think how he could know
her that well, have hit on her exact feelings for Mulder.

Because she would die for him, almost had many times, as had he for
her.

She'd put everything on the line for him, more times that she could
count, as he had for her. She would do anything for him, but the one
thing she wouldn't, couldn't let herself do.

She couldn't let herself love him.

If she let herself love him, opened herself in that way, she'd truly
have nothing left of herself. But even more so than that, their
enemies would destroy them. Most people who knew nothing about the meat 
of their work thought they already had something going, a fling between 
two co-workers. But those who were after them, those who continued to haunt
them, knew that their relationship went deeper. Knew that they weren't
yet lovers, but someday would be. Knew, like the Cigarette Smoking Man, 
that they'd die for each other, that they had a bond deeper than almost 
anything else out there. It transcended time and space, and despite her 
questions of faith, his beliefs and her skepticism, neither would deny 
that bond. But neither could outrightly display their love. That would 
truly be giving their enemies too much power.

And on a more personal note, loving Mulder as much as she did, would
end up taking over her life. She'd have nothing left of herself, her
love was that big, that encompassing. And somehow, she knew Mulder
felt the same. He'd never admit it, but it showed in everything they 
did. They couldn't let themselves love each other. And they had to keep 
it that way. If their enemies discovered how deep their unspoken, yet 
undeniable love went, they could destroy them both, and what had become 
their lives work.

But it wasn't easy, in fact, it was getting harder and harder, because
she did love Mulder. More than she had anything ever in her life.
Loved him beyond reason, beyond thought, beyond everything else in the
world. And more and more, she wanted to express that love to him. In
the most physical way possible.

But, government conspiracies and enemies aside, she was also too damn
scared to admit it. To him at least. She'd admitted it to herself a
long time ago, but forced herself to fight the feelings, to not give
in. She saw it as a sort of weakness in herself in a way. By loving
Mulder, she put herself, and her emotions totally in his keeping. It
gave him enormous power over her, and she was terrified of losing that
control, especially over herself. She was too used to being alone, to
being a solitary person. She was terrified of sharing all that with
Mulder. Because she knew if she let herself do that, she'd want to
share everything with him, and that would leave nothing left of
herself. She didn't know how if she could deal with that much
surrender. She knew that right now, they would die for the other. They
were truly best friends, partners in almost every sense of the word.
That had been enough in the past, their trust, their friendship had
been enough to keep her passions at bay, enough to give her the
strength to push aside her need to feel his touch, his kiss, his
possession. Survival instinct, mixed with good old fashioned fear of
loving too much, and losing it all.

But now, the black lunged bastard had put a seed of doubt in his head.
A seed she didn't know how to erase. It wasn't like Mulder running off
to see a suspect, not taking her for fear of her safety. She'd run off with
Mulder's worst enemy, the man who'd put him through more hell than any
person should have to go through. She'd lied to him, to protect the
man he hated most in the entire world. And she knew, she knew that
bastard must have realized this when he made her the offer, compassion
or not. And in the back of her mind, she must have realized it too,
but been willing to take that risk. And she damned him, and herself,
for believing in a cure, believing that she could trust the man, when
all she'd really done was screw up her life even more and put the
trust she and Mulder had in jeopardy.

But still, part of her had believed, had trusted. Despite all signs to
the contrary. And she'd suffered for it. She'd learned a painful
lesson, at a high price. But she wouldn't give up hope. Somehow,
despite it all, she wasn't ashamed that she'd believed. Wasn't ashamed
she could believe in a cure for something that killed so many
needlessly. Would keep believing until there truly was a cure. She
knew Mulder would expect that from her as well, though it might hurt
him at times to believe it. That was just the way things were with her
and Mulder. They might fight and argue, but they believed in each
other. Or at least they had until this fiasco.

Now she didn't know what he believed, and didn't know how to fix
things. She wasn't even sure where to start, but decided she had to
try.

"Mulder.I know how you must feel, I've been there many times, but
despite that fact, I need you to know that I didn't tell you because I
wanted to believe that he had a cure, that I could help all those others
suffering needlessly. And I suppose, part of me knew that if I told you, you'd
tell me he was using me, that I was putting myself in danger, that it
was a stupid move. Well, you would have been right. I admit it, but
Mulder, he offered me something I couldn't refuse, as you've said
before, I wanted to believe, and in the end, I got screwed, as we've
both been so many times in our work. And I can't tell you how sorry I
am for that, but I won't apologize for what I did. It was my choice,
and now I have to suffer the consequences. But I don't want one of
those consequences to be our relationship, our trust. It means to much
to me, you have to know that, and I refuse to let that bastard destroy
it," she finished, out of breath and hoping against all hope he
believed her.

Mulder continued to drive, staring straight ahead, not replying.

"Mulder, say something," she nearly begged, wanting him to say
something, anything, in response to her words.

"Despite what you seem to think of me, I can't lie to you," he finally
said, still not meeting her gaze. "Yes, part of me is hurt that you
didn't trust me, that you ran off with that bastard, and part of me is
wondering how you could trust him, over me. But there's a deeper part,
something inside me that nothing can touch, that knows you wouldn't
betray me. And while I might doubt it in my head every now and then
when I think about this, in my heart, I know I still have you, and
your trust, and you still have mine. I know you'd never deliberately
keep something from me from spite. You'd do it because you care, and
while part of me may balk at that, at your keeping things from me,
part of me understands, because I'd do the exact same, have done the
same for you, more times than I can count. But through it all, you've
never lost your trust in me, you might have doubted it at times, but I
know, deep inside, that you've never given up your trust in me, I know 
it, and I believe it, because I couldn't go on if I didn't. I meant what 
I said that night after you found me and brought me back from the brink 
of insanity. You are my touchstone, you're the only one I trust, and no 
matter what you think, no matter what that black lunged bastard thinks 
or tries to do, nothing can destroy that. Maybe make me doubt it, but 
only for a moment. Because in my heart, no matter what, I trust you. And 
while you might not believe that, might think you

don't deserve that, I do," he trailed off, the last words almost a
whisper.

Scully felt the tears finally break free and slip down her cheeks.
Without stopping to think, she unfastened her seat belt and moved
across the seat until she could wrap her arms around Mulder's waist.
She felt one of his arms close around her as she burrowed closer to
him, inhaling his scent as she let her tears flow, soaking into his
shirt. He gently stroked her arm, his head resting against hers,
saying nothing as he let her cry her frustrations and despair out.

After a few moments, Scully finally felt the sobs stop and realized
where she was. After another moment, she decided she liked where she
was, and had no desire to move. She managed to raise her head
slightly, seeing Mulder finally look down and meet her gaze. She felt
her heart split a little, then heal as she read the trust, and the
love in her partner's eyes.

Somehow, despite everything they'd just been through, her lies, his
desperate search, the disappointing disk, somehow, he still trusted
her, still loved her, even though she knew he wouldn't admit that,
being just as scared as she about loving someone too much, and giving
up a part of himself. Just as scared about what their enemies would do
to them, would do to her.

But for now, trust was enough. She knew she needed to convey that to
him.

"Mulder, I've always trusted you, no matter what. Like you, I've had
my moments of doubt, I've wondered how you could trust someone else
over me, but like you, I've managed to put those behind me, because,
as I said that night, you are my touchstone, and in this crazy world
we've gotten ourselves involved in, you're the only one I can trust.
The only one I'll ever truly trust again. And no matter what CGB
Spender does, nothing is going to change that. I do believe you trust
me, even when I feel I don't deserve it, and the same applies to you.
But I don't know how I'd survive if I lost you, lost your trust, so I
want you to know how much it means to me to know I have your trust,
and while I won't apologize for doing what I did, I want you to know
that I'm sorry you had to suffer that worry, that our lives have made
it so we both have to suffer each time the other goes off on some
strange case, or follows some strange suspect to some secret place.
Just know that I trust you, and I always will, and I'd never
deliberately do anything to hurt you," she replied, seeing the spark
in his eyes at her words, feeling his arm tighten around her, pulling
her closer.

She rested her head on his chest, wishing she could stay in his arms
forever. Wishing she could forget her fears, her worries, her needs.
But knowing she could only keep them at bay for so long. Knowing she'd
have to face them sooner or later. If that black lunged bastard could 
see her feelings so clearly, she knew it wouldn't be too long before 
others could too. But she'd deal with that day when it came.

Until then, she'd give herself this moment, this one, brief moment, to
rest in his arms, feel his lips brush a soft kiss across her hair as
he steered them towards home, towards their jobs, towards their
future. No matter where their paths led them, she knew, in her heart,
they'd end up together. They'd face what was between them, when the
time was right. If there was one thing she believed in whole
heartedly, it was that she and Mulder would have their time, when
they'd forget their fears, and live for the moment, and maybe have a
chance at ever after, happily or not.

Until then though, she'd settle for what they had. It was more than
they'd had before, but less than they'd have in the future. But
somehow, knowing that they did have a future even if it was still
hazy, comforted her in a way nothing else could. She snuggled back
into his arms, knowing she'd have to move out of them soon, but hoping
that moment would take a while in coming. She was going to enjoy this
moment now, knowing he still trusted her, he still loved her. As she 
did him. It was all they could have for now. But the future was coming. 

************* The End

----------------------------------------------------------------------

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Title: "Trust II" (NC-17) Author: Sara Rating: NC-17 Spoilers: En Ami
Summary: The second part of "Trust," and what happens when you lose,
and gain it back.

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. They belong to CC and
1013. Lucky them.

Author Note: Okay, I'm an idiot. I sent part one (the PG-13 part) out
without noting it was the first of a two part series, the smut being
in the second part. So, anyhow, this is "Trust II" and it's filled
with angsty smut. (For all those who begged, you know who you are!)
Hope you all enjoy it, and a warning, it's a bit rough, but still
consensual. How could it not be with these two. And I just love using
CSM as a catalyst. Enjoy! 

**************** "Trust II"

The pounding on her door was loud enough to wake the dead. Scully
struggled to consciousness, eyes fluttering open and managing to
squint at the blurry numbers on her clock.

2:15 AM.

Who the hell could be pounding on her door at this hour?

Only one person she knew.

With a sigh, she dragged herself from beneath the warm covers and
padded into the living room.

"I'm coming, hold on," she managed to call, stumbling over her own
feet as she hurried to open the door and stop all the racket.

"Okay, okay, I'm here," she managed as she pulled the door open, and
was nearly bowled over when Mulder stormed past her, without saying a
word.

"Nice to see you too," she muttered as she closed the door behind her,
turning with a sigh to see exactly what kind of mood her erstwhile
partner was in.

She thought he'd been in a good one when he'd dropped her off several
hours earlier. After that whole fiasco with CSM, and their trust
issues, she'd thought they were okay with things. She'd actually enjoyed 
the ride, resting in his arms, feeling safe and content that for now, 
things were okay. Obviously, something had happened to Mulder since then, 
and she had a feeling she didn't want to know what as she met his hard
gaze straight on.

"What's up.I assume you have a reason for pounding on my door at 2AM
in the morning," she managed to get out before he lifted a hand,
motioning her to be quiet. She stopped, never having seen him like
this, wondering what had him so mad. She had a bad feeling it had
something to do with that black lunged bastard.

"You let him dress you? God Scully, you let him undress you, he
touched you, he actually had the nerve." he was almost choking on the
rage in his throat, fists clenched, eyes hot and angry, staring into
her face.

She felt her heart sink as she realized the bastard must have gotten
to Mulder, played up those facts of the past day. She closed her eyes,
rubbing her temples, trying to figure out the best way to deal with
Mulder when he was this upset. Though a part of her had to admit,
seeing him so obviously jealous, and in such an uncontrolled state,
well, it was rather exciting.

"You LIED to me! You never told me about . about." he stuttered off,
obviously too furious to say more. Scully had a feeling she should be
feeling fear, but instead, all she could feel was a delicious warmth
spreading through her body at his hot look.

She cursed her body for always responding like this, especially now
that her defenses were down and her brain hazy with sleep and
unfulfilled dreams of him doing exquisite things to her body. She
sighed, trying to figure out what to say.

"Mulder, I don't know what he told you, but nothing happened. I fell
asleep, he carried me to the bed, and yes, he must have changed my
clothes. It was totally without my consent, I think he probably
drugged me," she began, realizing that was the wrong thing to say as
his eyes narrowed.

"He drugged you? You didn't tell me this? Then how could you stay with
him, trust him, after that, how Scully? And what else aren't you
telling me?" he sounded almost desperate now, the rage still coloring
his tone.

"Mulder, nothing happened, I told you, it didn't seem important to
mention, since nothing happened," she tried again, this time cut off
by his hands clamping down on her arms.

"He touched you Scully, he had his hands all over you! How could you
not tell me this? How . unless you didn't want to, because you liked
it.maybe that's it.maybe that's why you didn't tell me, maybe you
actually liked that filthy bastard's hands on you, maybe."

She kicked him, hard, in the knees. It was all she could do since her
hands weren't free to slap him. God damn it! She couldn't believe he
had the nerve to say that, couldn't believe he actually might believe
that. Where did he get off coming down on her like this?

The rage was starting to build in her own body, as she forced the
desire back. Sure she was turned on by this side of Mulder, but now 
wasn't the time. He'd just insulted her honor, and she had to respond.

"How dare you! I can't believe you'd say that to me? What the hell did
he tell you? I never let him touch me, and I'd know if he did more
than simply undress me and put me to bed. I'd know if he'd.he'd. 'had
his hands on me,' as you put it.but he didn't, and if you believe that
bastard over me, then there's really no point in continuing this
conversation," she wound down, feeling the adrenaline still pumping
through her system, her breath coming in ragged pants as she tried to
keep her anger forward and push back her desire to kiss the living
daylights out of him. He really was sexy when he was angry.

"I dare Scully, because you didn't trust me enough to tell me, God!
The thought of him, of anyone, touching you, using you, it scares me
to death! Not to mention infuriates me to no end," he managed, the
anger still simmering in his voice as he spoke softly against her ear.
His hands hadn't released her arms yet; in fact, they'd only pulled
her closer to him, so their bodies were nearly pressed full against 
each other.

Scully was fighting a losing battle. The closer he got, the more
turned on she became. She had to bite back a moan as his low voice and
hot breath brushed across her ear with the words, struggled to hold
back a moan at the sensations running through her body. She should be
yelling at him, not melting into a puddle at his feet, but somehow,
she couldn't summon up the energy to speak.

"Do you like men touching you Scully? Running their hands all over
you, does it turn you on?" He whispered harshly against her ear,
causing her to gasp as she felt his hands slide from her arms to her
waist, stroking her sides in a slow, steady motion. Her arms were
free, she should try to break away, but she wasn't moving. The feel of
his hands, the eroticism of his words, were weaving their own magic
spell.

"Do you like being touched . here." he breathed into her ear as his
hands closed over her breasts, rolling and pulling her nipples into
hard little points. She cried out at the sensation, instinctively
arching herself into his hands, her own arms coming up to twine around
his neck, pulling him closer. She was gasping for breath as he
continued his torture, but she loved every minute of it! But she
wanted more. Her own hands moved to his belt buckle, feeling his 
hardness beneath his jeans. His moan was all she needed to hear as 
she went to work on his zipper. Her motions were stopped however by 
his next words.

"Do you like it when I touch you here.or maybe you like it better,
here." he whispered again, as his hands slipped down to the waistband
of her pajama bottoms and slid straight into her moist warmth. She
moaned at the sensation as he began moving his fingers inside her.

"Answer me Scully.do you like my fingers inside you, does it make you
hot, does it make you want my cock instead," he whispered harshly and
she knew she was lost. She gave up the battle and began moving her
hips against his hand, holding onto his shoulders for support. She
nearly cried out when she felt him stop. She whimpered, trying to pull
him in again, but he had other plans.

"I'm waiting Scully," he said, looking her straight in the eyes.

Damn him! She knew he wouldn't continue until she replied, and her
body was so primed, she knew she couldn't take it if he didn't finish.
She damned them both for getting to this state, but was powerless to
resist it.

"Damn it Mulder! I don't want anyone else's hands, or mouth, or cock
for that matter, anywhere near me, I want you.damn it, I want only
you!" She finally screamed, feeling herself lose it as he pulled her
hard against him, and with one quick move, lifted her up, and impaled
her on his rock hard flesh.

She screamed as he slammed into her, somehow he'd gotten her up
against the wall and she could feel the pain each thrust caused as she
slammed her body into the hard wood. But she didn't care, the pain was
far surpassed by the ecstasy of having Mulder buried deep inside her,
thrusting into her with no control, snarling almost like a wild animal
as he possessed her. The feeling was incredible, unlike anything she'd
ever experienced. She could feel herself reaching the peak, crying out
his name as she exploded around him, dragged into the waves of an
orgasm so powerful she thought she might have lost consciousness.

A few moments later she felt him explode into her, his harsh cry of
her name the only sound in the now silent room. After a few moments,
he lowered them both to the ground, and pulled her into his arms,
rocking her gently. She could feel the tears streaming down his face
and she knew he thought he'd hurt her. His next words confirmed it.

"Scully, oh God, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm so
sorry, please forgive me," he kept muttering in a broken voice. She
reached up to grab his face, forcing him to look straight at her, to
believe what she was about to say.

"Mulder, you didn't hurt me, in fact, I don't think I've ever been
that turned on in my entire life, and just in case you were wondering
that was the most incredible experience I've ever had," she whispered,
seeing a spark of hope fill his eyes.

"But all those awful things I said to you, I didn't mean them, really,
I just, I just kind of lost it, I should have realized the bastard would
skew things, but I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry," he whispered
again, leaning into her hands as stroked his cheeks soothingly.

"Mulder, it's okay. We both shouldn't let him get to us that way, but
for the record, I don't remember any of that situation, and I know for
a fact he didn't hurt me. He just wanted to use me to get to you. Trust me
Mulder, the only hands I want on my body.are yours," she whispered,
leaning up to plant a soft kiss on his mouth.

His sigh echoed through the room as he pulled her tightly into his
arms and buried his head against her hair.

She leaned back and let herself relax against him, body still
pleasantly sore from their lovemaking. She kind of liked the feeling.
Liked knowing Mulder could lose control with her. There was a sense of
power to it.

"You know Scully, if you don't stop smiling, I might actually think
you enjoy it rough," he whispered softly against her ear. She shivered
and smiled.

"There's a lot of things about me I think you'll find I like, and I
can't wait for you to discover them," she whispered back, hearing his
groan against her neck.

"You know I trust you Scully, and I love you, more than anything," he
finally whispered softly.

She sat for a moment, stunned he'd actually admitted it. Maybe
miracles did happen. And in that moment, she knew she could let
herself love him. Despite the problems, the dangers, their lives, she
couldn't not love him, not live without him, not make love to him as
often as was physically possible. And it didn't mean giving up
control. She knew now she had the power to make him lose his control,
along with hers, and they'd both survived. Maybe love wasn't so scary
after all. "I love you too Mulder," she whispered back, leaning up to
kiss him.

A few moments later, she pulled away and smiled at him.

"I don't know about you, but I'd like you to put your hands all over
me again, but this time, lets move it to the bed, my poor back can
only stand the wall at least once a week," she managed, hearing his
laughter and realizing how good it sounded in her lonely apartment.
Still laughing, Mulder lifted her into his arms and carried her into
the bedroom, slamming the door behind them.