TITLE:Unconditionally AUTHOR:Dreamshaper RATING:NC17 CLASSIFICATION:MSR, A, S...maybe H DISCLAIMER: Not mine. CC's. Like he really cares that I took 'em out to play... Well, he might if he knew what I was doing to them... SUMMARY:Post-One Son...stuff happens. I dunno, it's 1:17 am...I haven't slept in DAYS!!! ARCHIVING:You want it, you got it...drop me a line though. NOTES:I did use one line from the musical Oklahoma...does that make this songfic? Nah, I doubt anyone'll be able to find it, or even care...Anyway, this is an odd little whoozie that demanded attention around midnight--it's not my usual style...hope you all like it. This has not been beta-read, so beware of typo's!!! `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I feel like I've been moving through syrup for days, or through thick hazy fog--I feel lost in my own skin, in my own mind, and I don't...I can't deal with it... It's tempting to blame this whole thing on Mulder, on Diana--but I can't. It's more my fault than his that I need his trust so desperately, and it is more my fault than hers that he refuses to believe me...there are things obviously between them that I don't understand and perhaps wasn't ever really meant to. Shit. I DO blame them... I blame him for mocking my belief, and I blame her for being so obviously against him and his cause, but I'm too drained to even be angry about it all, almost too tired to care anymore. He was going to give in, going to side with the Consortium, and he was going to drag me in with him. I can't get over the shock of that, the pain of that, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to, really, though I want to. And now that we are back on the X-Files, I guess I need to...but right now, as we sit here in Kersh's office, being officially reassigned, I just want to raise my hand like we were back in school and say "Excuse me, Mr. Kersh? Could I please be reassigned a new partner while we're at it? Maybe a new department? New state? In fact, can I just be taken out in the woods and shot? Please?" You're overreacting, Dana Katherine, I tell myself. Overreacting to a case of professional jealousy with a little bit of personal rivalry thrown in... But right now, at this moment, Dana Katherine is more than willing to overreact, and would really really like to be anywhere but in this office, seated with these men. So she leaves. I excuse myself hastily, ignoring Skinner's curious gaze, the harsh glare of Kersh, and Mulder's expressionless "Scully has PMS" face--the one that almost looks like the panic face, but has a bit of the superior male thrown in for affect. I'm out in my car and on my way home in less than five minutes, minutes that feel like years... Once home, I pause in the doorway, looking around in disbelief...this is my apartment, my home...and I feel neither safe nor relaxed here. I feel exactly the same as I did when I was cloistered in that office with the allies who felt like enemies. I want to cry, want to sob with rage and something that would be fear in other people but is not allowed to be fear in myself. I want to curl in a ball and sleep for a long time. I make my way to the couch and curl up, kicking off my heels and peeling off the knee highs I wore under my slacks, loosening buttons on my blouse and slacks and sliding an afghan over my shoulders. It's surprisingly easy to slide into sleep here in this haven that isn't a haven anymore, and I am grateful for small favors... My dreams are full of faceless monsters and fire, ooze and fluid breathing...a fetus that cries for me in Emily's voice and a small boy who whispers my name as he tells me secrets that I don't want to know...I dream of a long dead sister and an invader in my body, and I dream of a man who would have lived forever and hated it...a man who laughs in my face as I beg him to rtust me...I awake with tears on my cold cheeks and a whimper caught in my throat--how is it that other peoples' worst nightmares are my life experiences? How long can I lay here before someone notices that I don't want to be a nightmare anymore? Not long enough, I realize as I comprehend that my breathing isn't the only sound disturbing my quiet--Mulder is here, breathing in my space. Maybe if I pretend to be dead, he'll go away, I think crazily, and shut my eyes against his presence. "If I don't see you," I whisper, "then you are not here, and this is not happening." He chuckles, mirthlessly, and I groan and realize that he is on one of his damnable missions to convince me that he needs me to work with him and keep him grounded--I am not in the mood for more lies, for his lies... <> I remind myself as I shift to sit and face him. <> He is back in jeans and a t-shirt and I can smell that leather jacket...<> I think << you are smelling a leather jacket crayon that Mattie left behind when Tara and Bill were in town last month. Mulder would not dare be here right now.>> <> I lay back down. I'm not in the mood to play hostess and really not in the mood to look at him in the dim light of my living room. Of course, that is not a deterrent to him. He is kneeling beside the couch before you can say "Diana betrayed you." So I close my eyes and turn my head away, hoping to just avoid this.<< Avoidance works,>> I have decided. <> "Scully, I am not going to just let you lay there and sulk," he whispers close to my ear. "Knock it off, now." My eyes whip open and I am surprised to find myself both speechless with fury and wrapped in his arms. All I have time to think before his mouth closes over mine is <> Very quickly followed by <> ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I know I hurt her, it was pretty hard to miss or ignore the pain in those bright eyes, in her set face. I have been desperate, trying to think of a way to make amends, to apologize. That's why I came here originally, to apologize for coming so close to giving in...but when I escaped that interminable meeting with Skinner and Kersh and made my way here, I found her asleep... Crying... I think my heart broke...she cried for Emily and Gibson in her dreams, whispered her sister's name, called to me for help...then she suddenly stopped crying...fora moment she stopped breathing... Then, so quiet I could barely hear it, she whispered "No, Mulder...trust me...please..." I know my heart was broken then. And I was angry..so angry. What right does she have to assume that I don't trust her, merely because she doesn't share my belief about Diana? She has not believed in 99% of the things I have believed in over the years. When she turned from me after waking...all the hurt and anger just spilled over, and I moved to kiss her just as she was moving to kill me for whatever it was I said to get her attention. <> I thought, just before I committed the likely fatal act of kissing her... But it feels so right. I'd tell her that it feels better than kissing Diana ever felt, but I don't think she'd listen. I think she's too busy being shocked and horrified. But then I move one hand, just enough to graze her breast, and she shivers. Just a little, but I can feel it...and a nipple definitely tightened... Now *I'm* too busy being shocked to react, and she responds by gripping the back of my head and pouring enough passion into this kiss to melt me. I am definitely not horrified--this is something I had dreamed of for years, and I return this kiss with something more than just lust as I crawl up onto that wide cushy couch with her and start to seriously seduce her... ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I can't believe that I'm letting him do this--Hell, I am definitely encouraging his kiss...a blatant no-no, obviously, as he crawls up here with me and settles his foot taller and 75 pound heavier body across me in a lazy sprawl. If I could breathe, I'd work up the energy to scream at him for his temerity, but my lungs have met my spine--they're very good friends now... I'm still in a strange state of lethargy anyway--what does this really matter, in the long run? He's the type to kiss and fly. <> Myself reassures Me. <> So I do. And if enjoying myself a little involves breaking this kiss long enough to strip his shirt off over his head...well, he's not complaining, that's for sure. And I don't feel like killing him anymore, not after those big, rough hands work under my blouse and bra and scrape at a nipple. And it's more comfortable to make out naked, anyway... NAKED?!?!?! ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I have her naked within seconds of her removal of my shirt, and she certainly seemed amiable enough then...now she's in a puddle of oozing female flesh under my hands, and I can't stop the delighted grin that has spread across my face...I am just very careful to keep her from seeing it. Of course, my lips are currently wrapped around one of her nipples, so I don't think she can see much. And if she can feel it--well, she seems to like the feeling. <> I pause for a moment to think, but her impatiently pulsing hips distract me and I slide down her body with my mouth, seeking the moist heat between her thighs as her nails scratch lightly down my back and buttocks, leaving shivers, shudders and goosebumps in their wake. I focus with renewed determination on my goal, and her moan of my name as I reach it makes me chuckle--she *definitely* seems to like that, information I hide away for another day. I settle in for a leisurely exploration... ...And find myself flat on my back, hips in the air as she works my pants, socks, boots and briefs off in one fell swoop. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````` I am not happy with him, and I have not forgotten that...nor have I forgotten that I planned to only enjoy this a little. But my body has betrayed me and I want this so bad--even if it's only just this once. So when he decides to do a little too much teasing I take matters into my own hands, an act he obviously was not expecting. I have him stripped real fast, and wrap my mouth around him before he has even taken a breath. No one, *no* one teases me and gets away with it, especially not someone who hurt me... He's really into it now, and I pull free, sliding up his body and waiting till he looks into my eyes before I slide down onto him and freeze... This is good...*very* good...if I didn't have plans to kill him, I'd spend every day of my life doing just this... I climax quickly, strongly, and stop my pumping as I arch back and close my eyes--I don't want to look at him right now...his hands on my hips are enough of a reminder of his presence, and I don't want him to see my eyes at a moment like this. I don't want him to know how much I love him... He waits patiently for my climax to end before he begins to move me gently,and I look down at him again, holding those beautiful, sad eyes of his with my own...his climax is quick to overtake him too, but he leaves his eyes open and locked on mine as he whispers my name. I'd say there was love in his eyes, if I didn't know that he didn't even trust me anymore. As soon as he is limp on my couch, I slide free and head to the bathroom. There I stare into the mirror for long minutes before turning on the shower and climbing tiredly in. Why? Why did I do that? Am I more like himnow than ever before? Do I want to be tortured? I lean my head on the wall...that emotion that is not fear has bubbled up again and it threatens to flood... And then Mulder climbs in the shower. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````` She is hurting...I can't let her hurt. That's the one thing I can not stand right now, so I follow her into the shower. I fold her in my arms and ignore her lassitude before scrubbing her clean and then cleansing myself. She towels off tiredly and climbs into her bed naked, with a head of wet hair...she seems surprised when I climb in beside her, and begins to speak. But I hush her, and she listens...she must be more exhausted than I had thought. I cuddle closer to her, ignoring her apparent discomfort with my proximity till she relaxes and slides into sleep. I lay awake for a long time... Morning comes too soon, and I wake to find her eyes staring at me in a way that seems both owlish and downhearted. "I love you," I whisper, and she shakes her head no. "You don't love me...you don't trust me anymore Mulder...not about Diana or the best way to handle things...not about anything really..." "That is blatantly not true," I return fiercely. "I do trust you and I have for so long that I can't even remember what it's like not to trust you." I rest my forehead on hers and smile into her serious eyes. "I can't remember what it's like not to love you." She is still and barely breathing in my arms, eyes locked on mine as I bare my soul, yet again. "Then why do you believe her so much, Mulder?" Her whisper is fierce, and I couldn't have lied to her then had I wanted to. "I believe her Scully, because she was the first person I trusted after Pheobe, and I loved her in a way. I don't want to believe that she has betrayed me...though some of the evidence does point in that direction." My admission is grudging, but it appears to be more than she expected. Her eyes widen, and a bright brow flings itself up to her hair line. All I do is nod. She chews on one slightly swollen lip, and I shift uncomfortably. She seems strangely nonaware of our nudity and new relationship as lovers, but I am entirely too aware of it... And then she smiles, a true, full Scully smile, and I stop shifting, and stare in amazement. She is more than gorgeous, laying there naked in my arms, tousled, sleep flushed and warm...smilinmg up at me. This is the kind of moment epiphanies are made of... ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````` He's not lying. I can see it in those eyes of his. He has no feelings left for Diana...and the trust he places in her is not unconditional...but the love I see in his eyes...that's unconditional, and that's for me. I smile up at him, clear of fog forthe first time in days, and he looks stunned, and gorgeous...the light has turned his eyes crystalline and incredibly clear, and all I acn see is love and amazement... And lust. This is the kind of moment epiphanies are made of and I have one laying there in his arms, nude and warm. I love him. It's time I told him... So I do. Unconditionally. END `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Ok, it is now 1:18 am, eastern standard time...what do you think of my late night wandering into post-ep and pov land? (yeah,yeah I do incessant Mulder pov, but Scully's got a harder head to get into, imho) This story is very very different from anything I have written before, so I need lots of feed back! Dreamshaper (dreamshpr@aol.com)