TITLE: ALL OR NOTHING AUTHOR: DONNILEE E-MAIL: DONNILEE@SNET.NET RATING: NC-17 CATEGORY: MSR SPOILERS: Minor ones for Fire, The End, Triangle, SUMMARY: Jealous Mulder finally reaches the end of his rope and flips out on Scully. DISCLAIMER: All characters used from the show, The X-Files are the property of Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, and Fox Broadcasting. No copyright infringement intended. No money made here. THANKS: To my beta reader, FatCat, who keeps me in line so well. Once again, thanks for your time and attention. XXXXXXXXXX PART 1 (R ) HOOVER BUILDING X-FILES OFFICE-BASEMENT WASHINGTON, D.C. FRIDAY - DECEMBER 12, 2001 I was in agony. I'd been pissed off at Scully before, but never like this. This betrayal was the final straw. Although I knew my thinking wasn't in any way rational, that did nothing to stem the flow of rage that was flowing through my veins. Through my fog of self-imposed anger, her voice drifted in and out. "... then Greg said that after the show, we might go down to the Mall to see the lights for Christmas." Greg. She'd started seeing him about three weeks ago and since then I'd been going completely insane. The truth of the matter was that we'd never verbalized our feelings for each other than during a few stress-induced moments of trauma. When the crisis had passed, those feeling would be tucked neatly away in a compartment of my psyche and kept for safe keeping. "He's been so great. I told him not to get me anything for Christmas," she droned on. "I told him he's already spent way too much money." Bullshit! She was thrilled with the money he'd spent on her. I wondered if that was the key. Was Scully that shallow? I hadn't thought so. God, if she only knew how much money I had in the bank. Apparently, I should have been spending it on her. If she thought Greg was so generous, what must the previous men in her life been like? Were they all cheap bastards? "I don't know if I'm going to invite him to my mother's for the traditional Christmas Eve dinner or not. He may have plans with his family." I was in love with her. I'd known that for a long time. Foolishly, I'd thought she was in love with me, too. I'd harbored this fantasy that we would get together romantically some time in the future when 'the time was right'. What an ass. I should have known better. Things THAT good never happened to me. I'd mistakenly thought we had an agreement not to date others. When the time was right, we would come together. "What do you think, Mulder?" She was still talking? Jesus Christ. "What did you say?" I asked, looking up from my computer. She gave me a look of annoyance and said, "Are you listening to me at all?" "I was, sorry, I just missed the question." She rolled her eyes. "Do you think I should invite him to Christmas Eve and then give up Christmas day to go be with his family?" I stared at her for a few long moments. Did she really think I gave a rat's ass? "I don't know Scully. You don't get to see your family all together very often," I hedged. "That's true. Maybe we could spend the night at Mom's so we wouldn't miss the present opening with my nieces and nephews in the morning, and then go to his mother's place." I clenched my teeth. I really didn't want to listen to this drivel. I grunted to give the impression that I was listening and fully engaged in the conversation. "Bill can't wait to meet him," she continued. "I'll bet." "What's that supposed to mean?" "He'll be thrilled you're with anyone besides me. Dollars to donuts he starts up his speech again about you leaving the Bureau and setting up private practice." "Well, Greg says," she began again. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up abruptly, the force throwing my chair over backwards. It crashed to the floor and I did nothing to stop it. Scully gasped in surprise as I turned to face her. I knew my eyes must be blazing with rage. I shouted, "I DON'T GIVE A GOOD GOD DAMN WHAT FUCKING GREG SAYS! Greg this, Greg that, Greg says, Greg's spent so much money, Greg's been so sweet. FUCKING GAG ME, SCULLY! I don't want to hear it anymore! Do whatever you fucking want for Christmas, all right? But leave me the hell out of your fucking cutesy little plans with your cutesy little boyfriend. If I have to hear his fucking name one more time I'm going to fucking EXPLODE!" She stood there mute, her mouth open in an 'O' of surprise. I saw tears pool in her eyes. I never talked to her like this. Oddly, unlike any other time, her tears just made me angrier. I was the one in agony here, not her. She HAD somebody now. How long before the other shoe dropped? Why was she crying so easily now? So vulnerable? How many times had she brushed me off with 'I'm fine, Mulder.' "Why are you acting like this?" she sobbed. My eyes widened and I said, "Why am I acting like this?" I rolled my eyes and clenched my fists. "Are you FUCKING kidding me?" She shook her head in denial. "I don't know what this is about, Mulder. I'm sorry. Is it that you will be alone on Christmas? Is That it? You could come with us. I'm sure Greg," she tried to say. "I don't give a fuck whether your precious Greg would mind or not. I'm not going with you. Oh yeah, that would be just peachy, me and lover boy spending the whole fucking day together. Oh, and then I could have Bill rub in my face how you're with someone better than I'll ever be. Wouldn't that be fun? I'd be sick for sure." "I didn't know you hated him so much," she said softly, tears beginning to scud down her cheeks. "I wanted you to like him. How can you hate him so much when you've only met him once?" I felt my heart soften a bit and then closed my eyes, reinforcing the wall around my heart. I'd met him once when he came here to pick her up for lunch. Scully hadn't caught it, but he'd been aware of my hostility and hadn't come here again. "He could be anybody, Scully. I would hate him." Her brow scrunched in such an expression of confusion and bewilderment that I wanted to laugh. Could she possibly be that clueless? "Why?" she whispered, tears still running down her cheeks. "Why? You're asking me fucking WHY?" I growled. She flinched but didn't back down. "Yes," she said softly. I grinned evilly at her and shook my head like she was the dumbest person I'd ever met. When it came to this subject, apparently she was. I stepped into her personal space suddenly and she took a step back. Her desire to keep me away now made my anger flare all over again. I couldn't imagine what I looked like. I didn't even want to know what my blood pressure was, but had I ever hurt her? I snapped. I grabbed her shoulders, hauling her up against my body, only then realizing I had a hard on like Mt. Everest. One hand went to her low back and I yanked her to me, grinding my erection into her stomach. She gasped in surprise. I grinned evilly at her again. I saw a flash of fear and maybe even arousal in her eyes and it made me even hornier. I lowered my mouth to her ear. I wanted to shout, but instead snarled into her ear, my lips brushing the delicate shell. "Because HE'S with you, Scully. And I'm not. Because HE'S spending Christmas with you, and I'm not. Because HE'S FUCKING YOU, and I'm NOT!" I shoved her away from me, totally out of control. She staggered backwards and luckily fell into the chair behind her, rather than falling to the floor. She stared up at me in shock. In the most normal voice I could muster, I said, "That's why I HATE him. I don't ever want to hear his name in this fucking office again. Understand me?" I whirled around and stalked out the door, unable to look at her anymore. I felt my heart shatter in my chest, disgust over hurting her and yelling at her, warring with anger over her betrayal and lust. I leaned my hand on the wall next to the elevator and waited impatiently for it to arrive. I heard the door to the office swing open and her high heels enter the tiled corridor, clicking toward me. I whirled around, growling in my chest, clenching my teeth. She stopped in her tracks. "Don't, Scully! Don't come near me right now." "Mulder, please, we need to talk." "Not now, Scully," I growled. "I'm too angry." I paused. "I'm too fucking HURT. Just leave me ALONE." I turned away from her and heard her take one more step. I stiffened and straightened up from the wall abruptly and she stopped. "Please, Mulder." I didn't turn around. Around the lump in my throat, I said, "I'm sorry I hurt you, Scully, but you've hurt me too. How could you do this to us? I never want you to hurt like this. Right now, though, I'm begging you. Leave me alone." "Look at me," she whispered. I shook my head. "Please, Mulder," she begged. I closed my eyes, feeling tears sting my eyelids and took a deep breath. I whirled around, meeting her intense, blue gaze. "Call me when you can talk," she said softly. I nodded once. "I don't know if I'll be ready for a long time, Scully." "Why not? I know you're angry." "I'm more than angry." I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. I opened them and met her gaze again. "My heart's breaking into a million pieces, Scully. Let me wallow in peace." Just then the elevator door dinged and slid open. I stepped onto the elevator and jabbed furiously at the button for the parking garage. "I didn't know you felt like this!" she cried. I rolled my eyes again. "Oh please, you're not THAT stupid." Her eyes were wide and never left me as the doors closed, slamming the final door shut on my heart as well. I went home and cried. I watched some porno and jerked off, which only left me feeling empty. I thought about calling one of the many secretaries that gave me the eye on a daily basis, but discarded the idea immediately. They wouldn't ease the pain either. Scully called three times, leaving messages on my machine. Each one was increasingly frantic and teary and upset. I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. She was worried about me. I knew that, and the gentlemanly thing to do would be to let her know I was all right. However, I wasn't feeling like a gentleman right now. Besides that, I wasn't all right. Frankly, I didn't give a damn if she was worried. 'Let her worry,' I thought. 'Maybe she'll think about someone else besides herself for a change.' I instantly felt guilty for that uncharitable thought. Scully was the most generous person I'd ever met. She catered to others needs ahead of her own on a regular basis. That wasn't the case with Greg though. He was the center of her universe now and I well, I didn't know where I belonged anymore. Scully was my anchor, not just in my professional life, but in my personal life as well. She saw me as a better human being and a nobler man than I actually was. Her opinion had grown to mean so much to me that I found myself striving to be the man she believed me to be. I was a better person, a better man because of her. This man was taking her out of my personal life and it was like knife wound in my heart. In effect, he was taking her out of my professional life as well. They were too intertwined to be separated as far as I was concerned. Without her in my personal life, I couldn't see her every day and work with her while pretending everything was fine. Plus, once she settled in with lover boy, it was a matter of time before she requested a transfer, quit the Bureau and went into medicine, so she could have a more normal life with her boyfriend. I cringed every time I said the word. No man would share Scully. I knew I wouldn't. I was certain that Greg would eventually become intolerant of our working relationship and our tendency to take off at a moment's notice to go to East Bum Fuck to investigate a case. It crossed my mind to come up with a case, any case that would take us away from here. California sounded good. All the way across the fucking country didn't seem like far enough to go to separate her from the object of her affection. I was losing her. I could feel it in my soul and the pain was incredible. I hadn't lost her yet, but it was a matter of time. If Greg didn't talk her out of my life, my recent behavior had gone a long way toward telling her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. How was I going to tolerate it anyway? I couldn't stand to hear the man's name. I couldn't stand to hear about the things they did together. I was already lying awake at night, imagining him fucking her, crying and jerking off at the same time. I was fucking pathetic and I knew it, but there was nothing to be done. I was hopelessly in love with her. I knew no man would share her, because I wouldn't share her. I was being forced to share her now, but I knew it was a matter of time before I went completely crazy. Or had I already done that this afternoon? I either had to have Scully in my life, all the way, or I couldn't have her in my life at all. I spent some time pondering that fact. What was it about me that drove everyone I loved away? Oh, I know Samantha was abducted and didn't chose to go. However, my parents were another story. Instead of her abduction pulling them together and making them cherish the one child they had left, it drove them apart. In the process, it drove them both away from me, too. My father left, literally, after the divorce and I saw him on weekends and holidays. Even those visits dwindled after a while. His excuses of having to work on the weekends, or being out of town on the holidays became more frequent. I finally gave up and didn't even ask to go. My mother didn't leave physically, but she retreated into a hard shell of cynicism and frost that no one could penetrate, especially me. By the time I was thirteen, I was virtually on my own. No love and affection at home, no friends in high school. I was a geek, a brain, the one in the advanced classes that got sneered at by the other kids. I was tall, gangly and hadn't grown into my body yet. I wore glasses, had acne and a big nose. I was a disaster from the beginning. So I sailed through high school, immersed in my studies, getting straight A's and earning a scholarship to Oxford. That was the first thing in my life I'd done that seemed to perk my father up. I think he was actually proud of me for that. Perhaps though, it merely gave him bragging rights. By the time he cared about what happened to me, I no longer gave a shit about him or his opinion.. Then there was Phoebe. I lost my virginity to her and she taught me all the rules of the road where sex was concerned. She even taught me to enjoy some fairly kinky things. I think she viewed me as her pet puppy or something and enjoyed having a 'project' to work on. Once I'd learned the ropes, she was apparently bored with it all, and I came home one day to find some jock's ass rising and falling between her legs. That was the end of that relationship. Then there was Diana. What a cluster fuck my relationship with her had been. After Phoebe I was gun shy but Diana and I had common interests. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could risk giving my heart away again. I couldn't have been more wrong. She used me, abused me, and then walked away. Her ambition had always taken precedence over everything else in her life. Without so much as an 'I'm sorry', she packed her bags and headed to Europe, basically saying, 'Well, it was fun. Have a nice life.' I'd been crushed and vowed never to lose my heart again. When the frustration reached a peak, I would pick up some slut in a bar and bang her brains out. I'd leave before morning and never call again. I'd turned into a real bastard. Disgusted with myself, and not wanting to hurt innocent people, I'd turned to pornography tapes for my outlet and isolated myself from the world even more. Obsession with my work aided my aberrant life style. Then Scully came along and blew gigantic holes in every wall I'd built around my psyche and my heart. Her integrity slowly wormed its way under my skin and I found myself telling her things about myself that I'd never told anyone. I found myself caring about her opinion of me and wanting her to like me. It was downhill from there. We'd been through hell and back together, and yet somehow, my damaged heart couldn't find the courage to tell her how I felt. A few traumatic bedside confessions were all I'd been able to muster. When the opportunity came to ask her on a date, I chickened out. When the opportunity came to kiss her, I chickened out. When the opportunity came to really declare myself and ask her to be a couple with me, I chickened out. However, I'd let myself believe that she would never leave. She was the exception. 'Wrong again, Mulder.' I'd been a coward for too long to the point where even she had given up on me and went elsewhere to look for love. Because of my cowardice, and my fear, I'd lost her. I'd missed my chance and now she was sleeping in someone else's arms, having broken our sacred unspoken commitment to each other. I realized now this had all been a fallacy that I'd created in my own mind. She'd never told me she loved me. She'd never told me that she wanted more. I hadn't dated and neither had she. I'd foolishly taken that as a sign that she felt like I did and that we had some sort of unspoken agreement to always be there for each other. I wasn't about to let anyone else in, and I thought she felt the same. I was so wrong. Again. XXXXXXXXXX PART 2 (R) DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT GEORGETOWN, D.C. DECEMBER 14, 2001 SUNDAY - 3:00 PM I was really worried now. I'd called three times on Friday, Saturday, and twice today already. He refused to answer or return my calls, and his cell phone was shut off. He was walling himself away from me and I found it painful. I should have been ripping pissed at him for the way he treated me. I should have fought back when he shouted at me like I was a moron. Somehow though, his pain had been palpable. I'd been shocked and startled into immobility by it. That wasn't like me at all, but since when had I reacted to anything normally where Mulder was concerned? Oh, I'd known he cared for me. I knew he considered me his best friend. This other stuff though had truly shocked me. After I'd had some time to think about it, I found myself agreeing with him. How could I have been so ignorant? I knew he loved me. However, it honestly hadn't crossed my mind that he was IN LOVE with me, that he wanted to be intimate with me. Oh, we'd had our tense moments, but I shrugged them off as moments of insanity due to stress on a case. When all was said and done, I thought he would never be attracted to me in the long term. I'd seen the women in his past. It was obvious. I wasn't his type at all. All his humor and innuendo had caused me to stop taking most of what he said seriously, especially when he talked about anything romantic or sexual. I realized now that all this innuendo had been his way of covering up his feelings, of hiding them. He was afraid. That much was clear. I wasn't an idiot. I knew that his biggest fear was abandonment. I'd stupidly thought that as long as I continued to work with him, everything would be fine. I'd thought I'd proven to him numerous times that I wasn't going anywhere, that I liked my job, and that I valued his friendship. I hadn't taken into account just how insecure Mulder could be. He was strong, arrogant and decisive in many ways, in most ways. When it came to his heart though, he guarded it jealously. I knew that. I'd heard all the stories. I knew about Phoebe and Diana and his parents' neglect. It was a wonder he let anyone close to him at all. After pondering that for a moment, I realized just how much it meant to him that I had stayed, that he could trust me, that he had let me get close to him. It was a big risk for him, but he'd taken the risk for me. Considering his past experiences, I was a bit stunned that he had taken me so far into his life, that he'd let himself trust me so completely. Now though, I was realizing that that trust had extended to his personal life, not just to our relationship on the job. Oh sure, I knew he trusted me to watch his back. That much was a given. He could trust me to be there for him and be his friend. The amazing thing was that he had actually trusted me to love him as much as he loved me, and now I'd let him down. Oh Jesus, Mulder, I didn't know! I didn't even think he'd been capable of trusting anyone with his heart. I was humbled by the realization that he loved me, was truly in love with me, and wanted to be intimate with me. His choice of words could have been better, granted. However, the longing and pain in his voice when he'd shouted at me, totally at the end of his rope, had torn right through my heart. If I was honest, it had titillated me too. Just thinking about all that bundled passion directed at me was a turn on. I've seen Mulder in full denial mode. I've seen Mulder in full defensive mode. I've seen Mulder in a rage and I've seen him in pain no human being should ever have to endure. But I had never seen him THAT angry or in THAT much pain in my life. He felt things so deeply. He hid it from the outside world, but I knew how sensitive he was. I knew how much it hurt him every time he didn't catch the bad guy in time to save someone. I knew how much he blamed himself for all the rotten things in his life and mine. I knew the guilt he felt over the tragedies in my life. Yet, romance had been my blind spot. What was it in my past that made me so sure I was undesirable to most of the opposite sex. Granted, my past relationships hadn't been great ones, but I'd never been raked over the coals like Mulder had. Although I hadn't thought I was his type, I didn't consider myself ugly either. I think I knew instinctively that love with Mulder would be overwhelming and intense and it had scared me. So I'd created my own blind spot, trenched in denial, convincing myself that I wanted something different. Reminded me of a my childhood when my mother told my father that she 'liked' her toast burnt. He'd laughed and said, 'You've just burned it so many times that you've convinced yourself you like it that way. It's easier to do that than try to not burn it.' Ahh, denial thy name is Scully. Why had I thought Mulder would be any less sensitive, any less passionate, any less obsessed about love? True, the innuendo implied that he was cavalier and didn't really care, but I knew better. I'd just chose to ignore it. I was afraid he was suicidal. The thought of him hurting himself sent me in a panic. Now I'd hurt the one person in my life that meant everything to me. Everything? Yes, everything. I hadn't even realized it myself until I'd seen his anguish and felt the fear of losing him crash down around my ears. Greg had called. I'd told him I needed a weekend alone to get some things done. As usual, he'd been gracious and polite about it, although I knew he'd been disappointed. That was Greg, gracious, polite, smart, caring, attentive, and boring. I realized now that I'd spent so much time in denial over my feelings for Mulder, that I'd convinced myself that what I wanted was the perfect opposite of Mulder. I convinced myself that I would never have him in my life romantically, so I set my mind to convincing myself that I wanted something different anyway. Denial firmly in hand, I'd done a wonderful job of completely deceiving myself into thinking I could have a meaningful relationship with someone else, when in fact, it was Mulder that I wanted. Mulder might be arrogant and infuriating, but he also challenged me in ways no one ever had before, forcing me to stretch my wings and to grow. I felt like his equal in all ways. Most of my friends and fellow agents would have laughed if I'd told them how inadequate I'd felt when we'd first starting working together. I'd used my science as a shield to ward off those feelings that he was miles ahead of me in intellect, crime solving and just plain life. Slowly though, I'd gotten to know the man behind the attitude, the man behind the arrogance and innuendo. I'd discovered my equal, my soul mate. He didn't make me feel like I HAD to change to please him. He made me feel like I wanted to be the best ME I could be. There was a big difference there. All my previous relationships had made me feel like I had to change to please them. I'd always felt like I'd had to give up something precious to me in order to earn their love. Mulder had never made me feel like that! He had, in effect, spread his arms and said, 'This is me. What you see is what you get. Take it or leave it.' Of course, he'd fully expected me to turn tail and run at the first sign of weirdness, just like all his previous partners. He'd even tried to scare me away on purpose. I'd been a rookie, green and scared, but I hadn't run away from the unknown. Instead I'd been fascinated and determined to find the scientific explanations for the things he attributed to the paranormal. We'd both grown a lot, individually and together. We'd both lost our idealism and won our own truths where it mattered. Now I had a monumental decision to make. For all the angst I'd put myself through over the years, I found it was a surprisingly easy one to make. I didn't want Greg. I wanted Mulder, in every way. Nothing and no one else was going to be good enough. I needed to see Mulder. We had to talk. I went to the bedroom to change and started to formulate my plan. XXXXXXXXXX Before I could leave, there was a knock at my door. I sighed deeply, not wanting company. Any other night, I would assume it was Mulder, but since he was avoiding me like the plague, I assumed it was someone else. I hoped it wasn't Greg. I couldn't deal with him right now. Ending my relationship with him was going to have to be saved for another day. I peered out the peephole and gasped. Mulder was standing there, one hand nervously raking through his hair and making it stick up in spikes. He was wearing his glasses, God help me. He was also wearing very worn but very snug jeans that hugged his thighs, along with a green polo shirt under his brown leather bomber jacket. I was suddenly nervous, having hoped to approach him on my terms. On the other hand, home turf wasn't such a bad idea either. I took a deep breath and opened the door. We had a staring contest for several moments while my eyes drank in the sight of him. Then he said, "Can I come in?" I realized he wasn't sure he was welcome after the way he'd acted. Although I'd made a decision, that didn't mean he wasn't going to have to apologize for the way he'd treated me. I stepped back and waved him in. He entered and shrugged out of his jacket, hanging it on the coat tree near my door. I pointed him into the living room and disappeared into the kitchen, pouring two cups of coffee from the pot I'd made earlier. I carried them into the living room and handed one to him. He was sitting on the couch, leaning forward and staring at the carpet as though it were the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen. I sat on the opposite end of the couch, turning sideways to lean against the arm and face him. I studied his profile and noticed the nervous tick around the corner of his mouth. He had something to say and I could almost hear the gears turning in his brain as he tried to figure out how to put it into words. He took a sip of the coffee and set it down on the coffee table. His deep sigh was the only warning I had before he started talking. His voice was hoarse, as though he'd been crying, or maybe screaming and he wouldn't meet my eyes. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Scully," he said finally. Ah, he went straight for the apology. That usually came last after many qualifiers and justifications for his behavior. He was sorry, but, and then the laundry list of excuses. This time, none of that. I raised an eyebrow but was otherwise silent. He glanced at me and then back at his coffee cup and continued talking. "I don't think I've ever been so angry with you, or so betrayed by you, Scully. I know that isn't rational. Nevertheless, expecting you to read my mind was a bit over the top, even for me." I sniffled, not wanting to get emotional just yet. "I'm sorry too," I said. He looked at me then, his shirt making his eyes glow a deep, soft green behind his wire-rimmed lenses. "I came to tell you that I don't think I can work with you anymore. Since, I can't work without you, I'm going to quit the Bureau." "WHAT?" I nearly screamed. He didn't even flinch. He looked at my face and said, "I'm through with all the pretenses, Scully. I'm through with all the lying and hiding and trying to pretend I'm all right. I can't do it anymore." "Mulder, I was just about to leave to go see you because there are some things I need to tell you as well. Since you wouldn't answer my phone calls," I began. "I couldn't," he said, cutting me off. "I had a lot of thinking to do. I'll hear what you have to say, but I need to say some things first. I need to get this out or I may never be able to." I nodded at him and he swallowed harshly. "I've been a delusional idiot. I guess because I didn't date and you didn't date, I thought we had some sort of unspoken agreement." "Agreement?" I questioned. "Not to date other people." "Other people? As opposed to each other? Mulder, we aren't dating." "I know that. I guess I mistakenly thought you felt the same things for me that I felt for you, and recognized that it just wasn't time for us yet." "Us?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. He nodded and turned to lean on the arm on his side. Our eyes locked and he took a deep breath. "I'm in love with you, Scully. I have been for a long, long time." He paused. I gasped. Not that I didn't know this, but hearing him say it was incredible. It was something I didn't think he'd ever say. Then he continued. "Years," he whispered, looking away, examining my carpet again. "I'm sorry, but I can't be around you if you're with someone else, Scully. I simply can't do it. I can't hear about how great he is, and I can't hear about how happy you are with him. I do want you to be happy, but not with someone else, with me. If that can't be then I can't watch it happen in front of my face with someone else." He blinked rapidly and I could see wetness pooling in his eyes. He pulled off his glasses and tossed them onto the coffee table and then scrubbed his face with his hands. He lowered them to his lap and looked at me again. "It just hurts too much, Scully," he gritted out through clenched teeth. "Can you understand that?" he asked softly. Then he lost the battle with his tears and they started scudding down his face, but he never broke eye contact with me. "Oh Mulder," I whispered, sliding down the couch toward him. As I reached for him, he held up his hand, "NO! Don't touch me." I felt his rejection like a slap and pulled back abruptly. He stood up, picking up his glasses. "Don't make this harder than it is, Scully. I did a lot of thinking, and I know what I can tolerate and what I can't. I can't be just your work partner. I can't go in there every day waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for you to decide it's time to leave me and walk out of my life forever." I felt a flash of unreasonable anger, even knowing how hard this was for him. "You've got it all figured out, do you?" I asked sarcastically. He looked at me again and stared for a moment. "Not really, but I know I can't go on like this. I can't look at you every day, want you every day and know someone else is touching you. I can't do it, Scully!" he hollered. He turned on his heel and strode toward the door. I leaped off the couch. "Don't you dare walk away from me, Mulder," I hissed. "What the hell do you want from me?" he shouted, grabbing his coat off the rack and shoving his arms into it. "I want you to sit back down and listen to me," I said as I approached him to stop him from going out the door. "I can't," he said simply and turned, grabbing the doorknob. He wrenched the door open. I lunged, pressing my hand above the knob and slamming the door shut again. I grabbed his coat sleeve and whirled him toward me. "Damn it, Mulder. Stop!" He looked down at my arm on his sleeve and said calmly, "I thought I asked you not to touch me." His quiet, emotionless voice was worse than his anger. I didn't let go, but blinked slowly and then looked up into his eyes. "No, you ORDERED me not to touch you." I saw the muscles in his jaw flex and he glanced from my face to his sleeve again. "Please," I begged, feeling my own tears threatening. His face softened for a moment but then I saw the wall go up again behind his eyes and he yanked his arm out of my grasp, pulling the door open again. Somehow, I knew if he walked out of here just now, there would be no repairing this relationship. "Mulder, if you leave, I'm just gonna follow you." "Do you what you have to do," he said and took one step. I panicked. "Please, Mulder!" He turned to look at me, standing in the hallway and said, "Good- bye, Scully." I lunged after him as he walked away. "Please don't leave!" I shouted. He kept moving and my heart was breaking. "Mulder! I love you too!" I whispered. He stopped and very slowly turned around to look at me. "What did you say?" "You heard me. Please come back inside," I begged, my voice full of the tears. "Please don't leave me," I sobbed and then my own tears fell. He was at my side in two strides and wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me off the ground and striding back into my apartment. He dumped me on my feet, kicked the door shut behind him, whipped off his coat and threw it on the ground. I backed up and he stalked me until he was towering over me as my knees hit the arm of the couch. "Talk, and this better be good, Scully," he growled. "Can we sit down?" He nodded sharply and backed up a step. I rounded the couch and sat back down in my former position. He took his as well and we faced off. "Talk," he growled again. "I fucked up, Mulder." His eyebrows rose. I rarely used that word. "I didn't think I could have you, that you would ever want me that way." He looked incredulous now. "You've got to be kidding me? Where the hell did you get an idea like that?" I frowned and looked at my hands clasped in my lap. "I knew you loved me as a best friend, but I didn't think you were IN LOVE with me. I'm not your type." I dared to sneak a peek at his face and he looked totally bewildered. "God's honest truth, Mulder. I love you, too> Maybe I didn't even realize how much until I realized I was losing you on Friday. You shocked me on Friday. You'd never spoken to me that way. I've never seen you so angry or so hurt." "I've never been that angry or that hurt." "I don't know why I was jabbering about him," I said carefully, knowing he would hate hearing Greg's name. "Maybe I was hoping for a reaction from you, some sign that you cared, but you just stared at your computer and I didn't think you even cared enough to be interested or that you were even listening to me." "I heard every word," he said quietly but firmly. "I know that now. I'm sorry. We've both been stupid." "I'm guilty of being gun shy, Scully, but I've never lied to you." "I've never lied to you either, Mulder, not intentionally." I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. "I've done a lot of thinking too, and I realized we have both been guilty of lying by omission. I was on my way over to your place to tell you that I'd screwed up. I was a coward, Mulder. I thought you would reject me." I looked at my lap for a moment and then felt him slide down the cushions toward me. His fingers lifted my chin and he was frowning. "How far are you willing to go?" His question startled me. "What do you mean?" "I mean exactly what I said. How far are you willing to go for this relationship?" I swallowed harshly. "All the way," I whispered. XXXXXXXXXX PART 3 (NC-17) DANA SCULLY'S APARTMENT GEORGETOWN, D.C. DECEMBER 14, 2001 SUNDAY - 7:00 PM He peered at me and dropped his hand. "What does that mean to you?" "What does that mean to you?" I fired back, feeling like I was under fire. "It means that I can't do this half way. If you're with me, you're with me in EVERY way. You're my partner at work, you're my best friend." He paused. "You're my lover," he said deliberately. I felt sudden warmth and wetness pool between my legs, just hearing that honeyed voice say the word, lover. I nodded and watched his pupils dilate. "That means no one else, ever. That means no hiding our relationship. That means you're MINE, and I don't mean going through the motions, Scully. It means no more secrets. It means you have to give me everything. EVERYTHING you are, body and soul," he rasped out. "I won't share you, not even a little." I shivered visibly. He waited, staring me down. He leaned back at my lack of response, obviously thinking he was asking too much. I asked, "Are you willing to give ME everything, Mulder? Everything YOU are? No secrets, no hiding?" "Yes," he said without hesitation. "Only if I can have it in return though. I wouldn't risk it for anyone but you, Scully." "Risk it?" I asked. "My heart," he admitted. "You have me, Mulder," I said quietly. He sucked in a deep breath and his mouth opened. He went eerily still for about five seconds and then he grabbed my arm, hauling me off the couch. He bent down and scooped me up in a baby carry. "Time to prove it, Scully." I didn't resist, but let him take me into the bedroom where he dropped me onto the bed. "What are you doing?" I asked. As if I didn't know, but I wanted to hear him say it. "Claiming what's mine, Scully. It's all or nothing now." Instead of a slow seduction, we ripped our own clothes off. It was as if we knew that this first time couldn't be slow and gentle. XXXXXXXXXX NC-17 PORTION XXXXXXXXXX There would be nothing gentle about this, and I felt a fissure of excitement race up my spine when I saw him naked and towering over me. He looked feral, wild and beautiful. My blood sang with excitement. This was a claiming. He was going to mark his territory. I was more than ready. I slid up into the center of the bed and laid back, waiting to see what he would do. He pounced, straddling my legs and bending down to crush his mouth over mine. I opened my lips immediately and felt his hot, wet tongue slide into my mouth. He groaned and deepened the kiss, our teeth clashing together. He explored all the crevices of my mouth, his big hands skimming over every part of my body that he could reach. He rubbed my legs, squeezed my breasts, rubbed my earlobes between his thumbs and forefingers. When we needed oxygen, he finally broke the kiss, panting wildly. Without warning, he slid back and lowered his head. His mouth covered one nipple and his fingers pinched the other simultaneously. I cried out and arched my back, pushing my breast into his face. He wasn't gentle. He sucked hard and nipped at it, causing me to flinch at the pleasure/pain. My nipple swelled up, hard as a pebble, aching and sending a shot of pure pleasure to my sex. He lifted his head and I smiled at him. He raked his eyes up and down my torso. My smile faded as I realized how wet and hot I was. My sex was throbbing. I glanced at his cock and suddenly realized just how big he was. It was enormous. It was long and thick, bigger than any I'd experienced before. "How? I breathed out, unable to finish my question. "Nine inches," he said casually, smirking and answering my unfinished question. I couldn't hold back a moan as he knelt there and deliberately grabbed his cock. He began to stroke it from root to tip, smearing his pre-cum over the tip with his thumb and stroking again. "All for you," he whispered. His full weight crushed me down to the mattress as he rolled over onto me and slid his forearms under my shoulders. I didn't want to get excited this fast. I wanted to make this first time last, but my pussy started to betray me as hot bursts of pleasure coursed through my body. I moaned as he ground his granite erection into my juncture. He rocked it over my clit and I cried out. I was whimpering and I could hear my own heart pounding, deafening me to all other sounds. I wanted him so badly I was ready to scream. Instead, I began babbling, begging him to stop teasing me. XXXXXXXXXX I couldn't believe I was here, towering over her petite frame. I felt wild and out of control. I'd always been gentle with Scully, but right now that was impossible. I was still angry over the anguish she'd caused me. I felt a need to brand her, to even hurt her a little like she'd hurt me, as if that would somehow pay me back for the pain she'd caused me. I wanted her to know whom she belonged to now. She was out of her mind with need, babbling and I couldn't quite believe that I was the one making her lose control. To see her surrender all that stoic control was an amazing sight and it fed my aching arousal, making my shaft throb unbearably. My cock head was lodged between her soaking lips. It felt hard enough to snap. I don't think she realized what she was saying, but I did. She was pleading with me to fuck her. "Please, Mulder. Oh please, fuck me. Fuck me now. Oh, gotta have you. Take me. Take it all. I'm yours, all yours." I lost it and shoved into her, shouting out as I felt her hot walls surround me. "Ahhh God, so tight, Scully!" I'd only gotten about half of me inside her. I hesitated at the thought of truly hurting her but she looked up at me and nodded her head. I drew back and plunged downward, putting all my body weight behind my thrust and felt my cock split her open and ram deep inside. "Oh Jesus!" she shouted. I still wasn't buried. "More to come, baby." I started tunneling up her cunt in short jabbing strokes, each thrust gaining more ground, building pressure in her petite body. She wailed and quivered underneath me. She pulled on my shoulders, urging me forward. I shouted, "Oh yeah, baby, take it all. You're gonna take it all." I made one final thrust, heaving my hips into her and finally I was buried ball's deep. I held still for second, wanting to let her get used to my size. Christ Almighty, she was tight as a fist. Her mouth opened on a mute scream, but no noise came out. Her eyes were wide with surprise, arousal, and a touch of pain. It made me wild and I felt my cock harden a little more, unaware that it was even possible. I lowered my head and sucked hard on the pulse at the base of her neck, wanting to mark her. I felt her pussy gush with warmth and she raised her hips. I sank deeper, pressing up against her cervix. Our bodies burned for each other as I guided my cock back out until just the head was enclosed. Then I roughly sank back into her. We groaned together. XXXXXXXXXX I felt gored on his raging cock. He started to thrust and the pleasure was mind-blowing. I'd never felt anything like his monstrous log pummeling up between my legs. He wasn't only long, he was ridiculously thick. It had been a long time for me, but I knew I had never experienced anything as exciting as this. I could feel the cock-head stabbing my cervix, and stretching it taut over the head of his glans. No man had ever impaled me so deeply before and I cried out in passion again and again. I'd never felt like this before. He was possessing me, and I didn't care. Everything I am was now his. His mouth sucked harshly on my neck and his teeth dragged over my tender skin, ratcheting my arousal even higher. I groaned again, unwilling to form any words at this point. There was no warning. One minute I was enjoying his cock sliding in and out of my cunt and the next I was screaming out loudly as my orgasm ripped through my pussy. It was a total meltdown. I felt like my brain was melting. Wave after endless wave crashed through me, feeding the eruption between my legs with constant energy. I wailed, "OH FFUUCCKK! I'M C-C-C-COMING! OH SHIT, COMING SO FUCKING HARRDD! OH MY GOOODDD! MULLDDEERR!" The intensity of my orgasm was so powerful it almost drove me into unconsciousness. Waves of pleasure raced through me enveloping my whole body from toes to scalp. I saw lights flashing behind my eyelids and then the room fading in and out. I couldn't form coherent thought anymore. I only knew I was babbling gibberish. He was still battering my burning cunt like a jackhammer. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX This was so good it was almost surreal. Her orgasm took me by surprise and judging by the look on her face, it had taken her by surprise too. My heart sang as I heard her scream that she was coming. I hadn't needed the confirmation. Her whole body was shaking with the power of her orgasm. If that wasn't enough, the force with which her pussy was clenching around my cock was incredible. Her cunt muscles worked furiously on my embedded shaft, gripping my cock as she milked it without mercy. Bumping into her taut cervix and feeling it pinch the sensitive head of my cock with every blow delayed my impending orgasm for a long time. It was like magic, keeping me near the edge but not close enough to go over. I just pumped and pumped and pumped. She would recede, panting and flushed. Moments later she would erupt again, quivering and quaking beneath me, her head tossing to and fro on the pillow. I fucked her relentlessly, adrenaline serving me well. I was sweating like a pig but felt no signs of weariness. She climaxed a third time and I shouted, "How's that, Scully?" "Oh God, Mulder!" "Does he fuck you like this?" I ground out. "Huh? Does he take, over, your tight little cunt, like this? HUH?!" I screamed, sinking my cock to the hilt with every hard thrust. I wanted to burn the memory of his touch out of her brain. She began sobbing and croaked out between thrust. "I never fucked him!" Her hands ran over my back, trying to gentle me. I didn't believe it. 'LIAR!' I screamed to myself inside my head, unwilling to believe that she had stayed true to me after all. I screamed, and reared back onto my knees, hooking her knees over my elbows and leaned back down, bending her in half. Her knees nearly touched the bed, her muscular thighs were spread so wide she yelped in discomfort until I began to stroke into her again. I continued to pound her little upturned cunt and her voice wobbled as she said, "Ohhhh, Goood, again! Oh, Mulder. Oh God. OH FUCK, I'M COMING AGAIN!" she shrieked. "Ah yeah, baby. You belong to me! This body belongs to ME!" I bellowed, finally feeling my balls tingle and pull up tight against my shaft. I retreated slightly and took the pinching pressure off my cock head and immediately felt blood surge in my shaft to the point of pain. I howled, "MINE!" She sobbed. "Mulder, no one but you for years! I swear, no one else!" She was saying there'd been no one in her bed for years. I looked into her eyes, feeling her sobs wrack her tiny body even as she came a final time. Her confession broke my bubble of rage and soon had me propelling shot after shot of my jism into her as her pussy eagerly milked every last drop. My orgasm was keening and harsh as I injected a heavy load of sperm deeply into her scalding insides. XXXXXXXXXX I collapsed on top of her, panting like I'd run a marathon. She grunted and I slid to the side, feeling my softening penis pull out of her. Feeling our sweat cooling, I pulled the covers over us and spooned up behind her. I could see the purple bruises forming on her throat and smiled. I wanted everyone to see my mark on her. She was mine now and God help the sorry motherfucker that tried to take her away from me. She was my mate, my soul mate and no one was ever going to threaten our relationship again. I buried my nose in her hair and whispered, "Mine." She grunted softly and snuggled her ass back into my pelvis and responded sleepily. "Yes, all yours." "Have you told Greg yet?" "No, but I will tomorrow." "You better," I said. She hummed. "I will, don't worry." "No putting it off, Scully. All or nothing, remember?" "I remember. You have it all, Mulder. I promise. I swear, I never slept with him." "Thank God," I whispered. One more time I said, "Mine." She was already asleep. Tomorrow I would make love to her slowly and sweetly, but tonight, I'd claimed what was mine. THE END.