TITLE: Desideratum I: Lost AUTHORS: Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen E-MAIL: RaValliano@aol.com and Mezzo4@aol.com RATING: NC-17 CATEGORY: S, A, R KEYWORDS: MSR, angstfest SPOILERS: Let's be safe and say US season 5 and FTF DISCLAIMER: We don't own Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Bill and Maggie Scully, or the concept of Charles Scully. All the other characters are ours though :). DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere as long as our names and e-mail addys go with it. SUMMARY: How far is too far to go in the name of love? As always, thanks to Amy for encouragment and advice. Xxxxxxxxxx part 1 Scully was jarred awake. Someone was in her apartment, she could just feel it. Thinking it might just be residual feelings from a dream she had been having, she lay still for a moment, listening intently to any disturbances to the nighttime quiet. She heard the refrigerator kick on and her heart jumped. She told herself to just relax, but turned slowly toward the night stand in search of her weapon anyway. "Just forget about it." Scully shot up in her bed to see who was there, but before she was able, the intruder raised his hand and hit her across the face with the barrel of a gun, the blow hard enough to knock her out cold. Scully's world went black. xxxxxx xx Two months earlier xx Jane Harris looked nervously around Mulder's apartment, knowing he wouldn't be returning any time soon, that he was on a case, but nervous nonetheless. She couldn't help but jump at every sound. She was doing something that she knew would make him very angry, violating his trust and his privacy, and she couldn't risk getting caught. She'd already cleaned every nook and cranny of the place, and now she felt it was time for a reward for a job well done. She was sitting on his couch. The couch. She sank down into the leather and smelled it with a smile. It felt like he was everywhere, like he was surrounding her. Her hands were shaking with excitement on the book she held. Finally a chance to know his most personal intimate thoughts, to understand this brilliant, wonderfully desirable man. Once she understood him she would know what she had to do. It was like opening a Christmas present. She peeled the leather bound cover back slowly. The first entry was labeled January 14, 1996. Too long ago. She flipped through the pages anxiously, searching for the day that she had first met him. She planned on reading the whole thing from beginning to end but she needed to see that page first. She felt her heart skip a beat when she found the page titled September 14, 1998. He'd written that day. It was significant to him. She remembered the day more clearly than any other. She remembered what it had been like to actually see him in person for the first time after reading so many articles about him, seeing so many pictures. He'd been even more captivating in person. He'd listened so attentively when she'd told him her story. He'd seemed so concerned, so eager to help her. She could recall every expression on his face, every word he'd spoken. She wondered if he thought of the day as often as she did. At least now she knew he'd written about it as she had. She gazed adoringly at his handwriting. September 14, 1998 Started a new case today. Or should I say assignment. Somebody up there is pissed as hell at me and Scully that's for fucking sure. Something about some bumfuck farmer killing his sheep and then his wife for unknown reasons. We're flying out to Nebraska tomorrow morning. Can't help but feel dissatisfied at the current course life seems to be taking. Haven't had a good case to sink my teeth into in what seems like forever. Just one boring dead end after another. I suppose I should be grateful for the relative calm but unlike the rest of the human race, calm makes me nervous. Gives me more time to think. More time to daydream, fantasize. Never a good idea. It gets worse every day. I've been avoiding her lately. I think she's noticed but, of course she never says anything about it. Sometimes I'll actually run in the other direction when I see her coming down the hall or something. It's really pathetic. It's not cause I'm embarrassed or anything. It's just that lately, well I dunno. The weeks right after our pseudo-kiss were so chaotic and bizarre. We were so busy that I hardly had time to think about what had almost happened between us. And when I did think about it I was still in the euphoric stage of just being amazed that we'd gotten that far, that I'd had the balls really. Well, enough time has passed that my self-congratulations are over. The giddy upbeat mood between us has settled down to a familiar routine. And I am left thinking (obsessing actually) about what to do next, if anything. I guess the next move is really hers. I kind of realize that at least in my head. But sometimes I feel my body rebel. Sometimes I look at her and I find myself frighteningly close to doing something collossally stupid. Like blurting out, "How about that time we almost kissed? Wanna try that again??" Or just pulling her onto my lap and burying my head in the crook of her neck. Sometimes I'll think about it so much that I'll feel as though I'm actually going to do something like that. It's like vertigo. Like standing on the top of a building and looking down, knowing you could jump, that the action itself would be unbelievably easy, and you keep staring and staring over the edge until you become convinced that you are going to jump unless you get the hell away from there. Love is like vertigo. Wonder if that's why they call it falling in love. Too bloody insightful huh? I think it's time to get my mind out of lala land and onto more pressing matters. Like this stupid case. Oh, hired a new cleaning lady finally. She'll be happy to hear I'm sure. She's been teasing me lately about the disarray my place has been in. That was the end of the entry. Jane shook her head and tried to hold back the tears she felt building. Hired a new cleaning lady today? That was all her presence warranted? And who was this she he spoke of? His stupid partner? Scully? Jane had seen this woman through her video surveillance equipment on a couple of occasions. They seemed to be pretty close. She needed to know if Scully was the she that he was mooning over. If she was the main obstacle. Jane flipped to the next page which was also the final entry. October 3, 1998 God fucking dammit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I thought it was bad before but today was the worst ever. I knew this girl in college who told me she wanted to be a guy cause guys could pee and jerk-off wherever they wanted. I told her that was a mixed blessing. Well, today I sure proved that. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Well, that's not entirely true. I know what I was thinking. I was thinking about the way she smelled today, the way she was moving. I was thinking about her mouth, and her legs, and everything else she's got. Everything I've seen. Yep, no need to use the old imagination anymore. Okay so, when I saw her that time I didn't really get a chance to look too closely. I didn't even think about the fact that she was naked as the day she was born because all I could think about was getting her the fuck out of that horrible place and keeping her safe. But I DID see her. And that image is there, permanently scorched into my memory. And it has this way of creeping into my thoughts sometimes. Most times. All the fucking time. It's just there. Everyday when I look at her, I know what's underneath. Sometimes if I concentrate enough, it's as if I'm wearing X-ray glasses. I can see right through her clothes. And when she's not there, it's even worse. Anyway, the past few weeks have been really bad in that way. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. This is as true with a woman as it is with anything else. I have a little knowledge of her, of her body and her feelings and the potential of what could be between us and that knowledge has been worse for me than the little knowledge I have about what happened to Sam. It's more than an obsession, it's a fucking lifestyle choice. I guess I should get to the point here. The point is that since we got back from our little adventure in the Arctic I've felt certain undeniable needs. Urges that need to be relieved rather than manifested in hideous actions. Okay, the point is that I've been jerking off in the fucking bathroom four or five times a day at work to keep myself from slamming her against the filing cabinet and fucking the life out of her. I know, I know. It's pathetic. Almost sad if it wasn't so funny. But at least it's been working. No sexual assault charges so far and that's as much success as I could really hope for. It's become so much a part of my routine that I haven't even really thought about it until now. It only takes a minute or two, sometimes a matter of seconds if I think about the right thing, and she hasn't really noticed as far as I know. But today, something happened to me. Something was different. I don't know what the hell she did to me but for some reason when she left to do that stupid autopsy, I couldn't wait. Couldn't even make it to the bathroom. Just had to pull it out right there under the desk. Unbelievably idiotic I know. But I figured she'd be gone for at least an hour. Nobody else was gonna show up so why the fuck not. Right? Well, that was my logic, or lack thereof, anyway. I didn't realize she'd forgotten her stupid goddamn tape recorder. A fucking tape recorder. At least the stupid thing wasn't on. So anyway, she comes back without knocking and I'm sitting there with my dick in my hand about a milisecond away from coming, my head thrown back in the midst of a ridiculous grunt and she's just standing there. Just standing there looking at me with this look of concern on her face. Are you okay Mulder, she asks me. Are you fucking okay? Well the answer to that is obviously no. I am so not okay. But I just nodded, hoping she'd do whatever the hell she needed to do and go away. But she didn't. She got her tape recorder and then she came over to the desk. She's standing right across the desk from me so I finally let go of my dick and put my hands on the desk. Are you sure you're okay, she asks again. You look a little flushed and you're sweating. You shouldn't be sweating when it's so cold in here Mulder. Maybe you have a temperature. Then she reaches across the desk and touches my forehead to feel for a fever. So, that was the end of it all for me. I came. I fucking came right there in front of her from a fucking temperature check. Can you spell pathetic? To give myself some credit, I managed to cleverly cover it with a phony sneeze. Which of course played into her fear that I was drastically ill. Long story short, I ended up spending a long, embarrassing afternoon with a Bureau physician to placate her. So, anyway, this just isn't working anymore. Something's gonna give and it's gonna be soon and I'm actually fucking terrified of myself right now. I just hope her God is protecting her. Still no mention of the goddamn bitch's name. Jane flipped several pages back. December 16, 1996 What the fuck? What the fucking fuck Scully? Her life. This is her life. Not everything is about me. How can she not see? Could she be so blind? Is it possible that she doesn't know that every fucking thing she does effects me? That not only is her life as important to me as it is to her but that she is my life. That I don't have a fucking life without her. It's not just that she fucked some goddamn stranger. Okay, maybe it is. I dunno. It's just, to put herself in danger like that, take such an unnecessary risk. And for what? What the fuck could she have possibly gotten out of that? She wanted to be crazy and impetuous. Why the fuck couldn't she do that with me? What the fuck is wrong with me Scully? She wanted to get laid? Well, I'm right here. Better fucking lay than some dumb fuck who doesn't have a clue about what she needs. Fucking tattoo. I would have taken her to get a stupid tattoo four years ago if I knew it would have made her all horny and shit. Fuck. I think I'm gonna throw up. Scully, it was Scully. How could it possibly be? Jane shook her head in disbelief and bit back another sob, turned to another page. December 20, 1997 Scully's going to her brother's for Christmas this year. All the way in California. I wish I could go with her. I wish her entire family didn't hate me. I got to spend Thanksgiving with her though and it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. She made us lasagna cause she knows how much I hate turkey and then we watched It's a Wonderful Life on TV. I swear to God I saw a tear trickling down her cheek during that damn movie! Anyway I think it was one of the best days of my life. Another random page. March 23, 1998 Scully's on vacation this weekend. Vacation from me I think. She doesn't want me to call her but I keep doing it anyway. Life is just so boring and lame without her around. Also I'm kind of afraid of her vacations. Another. August 17, 1998 She wore that damn suit today. The black one with the skirt that's just a little shorter than usual, the neckline a little lower. I think she's trying to drive me to distraction. Another. July 26, 1996 Scully took my hand tonight. Across the desk. I suppose she knew I was hurting. Her fingers were so soft. I hope she didn't notice I got a hard on. And another. February 19, 1997 Why won't she talk to me? Why the fuck won't she talk to me? I can't take this anymore. I can't watch this happen to her. I wish I had the balls to shoot myself in the head so I didn't have to watch this. I wish I didn't care about what that would do to her because that thought is the only thing keeping me from doing it. That and the desperate hope that we will be able to stop it. God Scully. Please don't die. Jane slammed the book shut furiously. She couldn't stand to read another word, didn't need to. She knew now what needed to be done. xxxxxx Dana Scully woke slowly realizing she had a headache that did not promise to go away soon. As she rose to take a pain reliever, she realized she was not at home. The aching escalated to a sharp shooting pain and she grabbed her head to ease the jarring. She ran through a mental checklist, first to decide whether or not she had a concussion, as well as reaching back into her memory for how she had gotten here. She and Mulder fighting, crying herself to sleep, someone in her apartment... Satisfied she was not suffering from a concussion, she got up from the bed and circled the room quietly, in search of a way out of where ever it was she had ended up in. It was relatively dark, so she twisted the blinds on the window open slightly to let some light into the room. Her eyes now better adjusted, she could make out the bed she'd been in - an antique wrought iron with four tall posts and an empty canopy. There was an oak wardrobe on the wall facing the bed and a mirror behind the door. Next to the bed, a small drop-leaf table and chair. On the other side of the table was the door to a bathroom. Across the room, she saw another window that looked out into what appeared to be some sort of indoor garden. She moved over to it for a closer view. There were what seemed like hundreds of varieties of flowers, plants and trees, both exotic and native. Amidst all of it and nestled between two trees was a large running fountain, the focal point of which was the sculpture of a lion. The water spouted up and around it as well as running from the lion's mouth. It was gorgeous. All of it. Scully didn't think she'd ever seen anything like it. Common sense and fear overtook her before admiring the room any further and she went to the door in search of an escape. Trying the doorknob, she found it turned easily. She twisted it slowly until feeling it click, then held it in place, waiting for a few moments to pass. After a while, she pulled it inward and peeked around through a small opening. Seeing nothing but a seemingly empty living room, she felt a small wave of relief pass through her. By instinct, she reached for her gun. Not finding it there, she remembered her abductor had hit her with it. Perhaps she'd find it in the apartment. She eyed the picture hanging above the bed and pulled it down for her temporary defense. She opened the door all the way and waited again. Nothing. All was very still. She proceeded cautiously throughout the rest of the apartment. Down the hall from the room she had been in was another bedroom, between the two rooms, another large bathroom. To her right was the living room, which shared a windowed-wall with the garden. Satisfied now she was completely alone, she quickly followed through the living room to the foyer and tried the front door. The dead bolt was locked. Seeing no phone in the adjoining kitchen, she went to the other bedroom. A cordless phone lay on the desk in front of the window and she made her way over to it hoping also to find her gun. On the desk Scully spotted a brand new PC exactly like the one Mulder had shown her in the magazine, saying how he was going to get one next weekend. Despite her present situation, she smiled to herself at the memory of the boyish look on his face as recited to her all of the specs on this unprecedented piece of technology. It was an item he did not need in the least, he had just wanted to get a new toy. A look just like the one she was seeing in the photo of him she spotted on the desk next to it. In fact, it had been taken the very day she'd just been remembering. She fished through the colossal pile of pictures covering the desk. There were frame by frame photos of every day she and Mulder had lunch together outside of the office in the last week. Last two weeks, even. In the photos she managed to show up in, her face had been scratched or cut out completely. Some one had been following them. And from the looks of it, for at least two months, if not longer. What for? She surveyed the rest of the desk and noticed a picture of Mulder sticking out of the flatbed scanner next to the computer. From what she could see, Mulder's expression looked like he was in severe pain. She lifted the lid and grabbed the photo. His eyes were squeezed shut and he was biting down on his bottom lip. She turned over the rest of the pictures laying on the scanner one by one and as she viewed each of them, she began to get the idea. It couldn't be anything else. He'd been caught him in the act, the camera recording almost every other moment of one of his most private ones. She was certain of it, he was most definitely alone and in his apartment, she figured out after viewing a few shots. Additionally, his arms were squeezed in tightly to his torso, angled just so....Then she saw the shot that answered any possible doubts as to the nature of the situation in question. In it he was sprawled out on the couch, his raging erection in hand, his head thrown to one side. She told herself she didn't want to be looking, but couldn't brake her gaze. The photo was so close and clear, it almost seemed someone had taken it while in the room. She could see the white of his teeth, the hollow of his neck, McDonald's wrappers laying amidst a pile of what was most certainly FBI information records and files. Romantic evening, agent Mulder? It was clear to her now that whoever had been following them wasn't interested in any of Mulder's FBI involvement, X-files or otherwise. Whoever had taken her here was interested in Mulder. Just Mulder, not any information he may or may not know. Upon further rifling, there were other things she noticed that belonged to Mulder. A necktie, a bottle of his cologne, something written in his handwriting, the key to her apartment. Scully looked up quickly and noticed the tripod in the window, a 35 mm digital camera with a huge zoom lens attached to it and pointed out the window. She peered through the viewer to see a familiar apartment, Mulder's, as clear as day. He was asleep on the couch. Her heart began racing when she saw him. She grabbed the telephone. Mulder's phone number was programmed as the first number on the list. She hit it and jumped out of her skin when she heard, "WHAT THE FUCK-" Scully dropped the phone and quickly looked for something to use to defend herself. But before she could think, a woman descended upon her, grabbing her arms and pulling them tightly behind her, squeezing them together at her elbows. Scully heard something pop and then a sharp pain shoot up her right arm. It was all so sudden and intense that her knees gave underneath her. Just as she started to attempt to yell out, the woman pushed her to the ground. "Just shut-up! Shut the fuck up and don't say a word!" As the woman yelled at her, she pulled on Scully's arms tightly and Scully was worried she might pull both of them right out of their sockets. Her eyes teared from the pain. "Stop," she whimpered. "Please stop." "I'll stop if you promise not to fucking yell! God!" She said with great frustration in her voice. "You're gonna fucking ruin everything!" She pulled her up forcefully and pushed Scully back toward the bedroom she'd come out of before. Scully knew something was severely sprained if not broken in both of her arms. She cried out as the woman shoved her arms back out in front of her and cuffed her wrists. In this position, she finally got a good look at her captor. It was Jane Harris, a woman she had met only recently. Jane threw Scully to the bed and she tried to use her legs to kick Jane in the stomach. Jane grabbed them in one arm and pressed down hard on her knees. Scully screamed out again. "What do you want with me?" she asked in a pained voice while Jane attached some kind of chain to one of the bed posts. Jane smiled wickedly and said in a low voice, "Your partner's undivided attention, that's what. And as long as you're around distracting him, I'm not going to have that." "Are you going to kill me, Jane?" Scully asked between sharp breaths. Jane laughed. "Are you kidding me? You must think I'm pretty stupid." She shook her head and opened her eyes to reveal to Scully the madness there. "I just need a little time. A little time to myself with Mulder, without you in the way. That's all. But you try anything and I will break both your arms and both your legs. I can do that." Scully's heart pounded faster now. She had no doubt that was true. "Then what are you going to do to Mulder?" She chuckled again. "You aren't too smart, are you?" She shook her head again. "I mean really, Agent Scully, do I have to spell it out for you?" "What the hell are you talking about?" "I'm talking about my relationship with Mulder. It needs some time to grow and flourish a bit more. He needs that too, you know. With you always in his way, he's hardly had a moment's peace to spend with me," Jane said in a matter-of-fact tone. "You're nuts. Mulder and you don't-" "Oh yeah?" Jane interrupted. "How do you know that? How sure are you that he tells you everything, Agent Scully?" As she left the room, she added, "I mean, really, is it really probable that you would be the ONLY woman in his life? Is it so impossible to believe he has a lover?" After a few moments, Scully heard the front door slam. She waited and attempted to scream, but after yelling once, found that she hardly had the energy for it. She was dizzy now and the pain in her arm was making her a bit sick to her stomach. She breathed deeply and tried to concentrate. She knew she needed to keep both her strength and her wits about herself if she was going to get out of this. But she couldn't remember having felt more helpless in her life. Mulder feasibly could have seen her as she stood in that window a moment ago. Could have seen her and came running to help her. If she had yelled, he might even be able to hear her. But he was dead asleep on his couch, unaffected seemingly by the harsh words they'd exchanged only hours ago. Though he really had no good reason to come to her rescue, after what she'd said to him. Why the hell did this woman have him on the speed dialer on her phone, anyway? Remembering Jane's words, she wondered if Mulder and this apparent lunatic could in fact be sleeping together. Was it possible? No, it couldn't be. Mulder could never, not after all that had been said between them recently, everything that they had gone through together. He would never turn to anyone else, would he? But that was the very thing, Jane - no one - could actually be the 'other woman'. She and Mulder weren't lovers, either. He wasn't really betraying her if he did. Since that moment in his hall when she'd come a breath away from telling him she loved him, they had danced around the whole issue of exactly how close they were and just how far they were going to let it go. So the tension that had always been there was greater now than it ever was. They had both opted to push it away, acting as though it never happened, and he wasn't going to say it if she wasn't, that was clear now. And since she was having a such hard time taking that one last leap, why wouldn't he look for what he needed elsewhere? Oh God, and after what happened last night... But surely this woman was a maniac. She'd been stalking him. She had a camera set up that pointed directly into his apartment, for God's sake! Taking pictures of him, doing - everything! Of course, she could be obsessed with him and Mulder had no idea. Whether or not they were lovers. He hadn't really said all those things just to make her stay, had he? Scully's heart sank at the thought and she began to wonder if the possibility that Mulder and Jane might be lovers was stronger than she first assumed. Just because this woman stalked him didn't mean they weren't - she didn't want to think about it anymore. The fact remained, though, that things hadn't exactly been relaxed between them as of late. She thought back on the past few weeks. And Mulder had spent a lot of time with this woman. A lot of time. Time that he usually spent with her, in the office, in her apartment, on the telephone. And if it was just about the sex for Mulder, it wouldn't needed to have taken a whole lot of time to grow and develop. Not like in the way the feelings she felt for him had. Oh Mulder, I'm so, so sorry. So sorry I made you wait. The room began to spin on her and she closed her eyes. She feared her body was in shock and that she may have fractures all throughout her arm. Deep bruises were already beginning to form. She realized that she would have to somehow try to gain this woman's confidence so that she would take care of her and not hurt her any further. Otherwise, Scully was afraid, she wouldn't make it long enough to find out if her musings were even near being correct. Or ever again have a chance to finally tell him exactly what he meant to her. part 2 xx 2 weeks earlier xx "So, Mulder, what are you working on today?" Scully called from the back of the office where she was viewing some x-ray photos. Mulder, she noted, had been spending the better part of the morning in and out of the office, never taking more than a second to grunt a yes or no answer when she'd ask him something. She shut out the light on the viewer and gathered the photos, taking them into the other room to stick them into an envelope. Apparently he hadn't been listening to her, for he never answered her question. "Mulder, I asked you a question. Didn't you hear me?" He looked up suddenly and afforded her with at least a dumbfounded stare. He had no idea she'd even spoken to him. "Huh?" he grunted. "I asked you what you were working on today." Before he could formulate an appropriate answer, there was a knock on the door. Mulder seemed to jump out of his skin. "Could you get that on your way out, Scully?" Scully hadn't realized she'd been on her way out, but obviously whoever appointment this was, Mulder wanted to take it alone. She opened the door to a tall, thin woman, in perhaps her mid-thirties. "May I help you?" "Uh, yeah, I'm looking for Fox Mulder-" she peeked around Scully's shoulder, "Oh hello, Mulder. I hope this is still a good time." She looked back at Scully. Mulder rose from his seat. "Yeah, yes it's just fine. My partner was just about to leave. Please come in." "Mulder?" Scully questioned him as he moved over to show this woman in and shoo Scully out. "Do you need my help on anything?" "Nuh-uh, I've got this, it's okay," he whispered. "Whatever," she conceded under her breath and left the room. She would ask him about it later. She started up the stairs and then, suddenly remembering something, returned to the office, sticking her head in through the door. "Excuse me, sorry," she said as she saw them laughing together, the woman's hand holding onto Mulder's forearm. They turned and looked at her. "Mulder, I need for you to see what you can dig up for the fraud charges hearing. Would you look back and see when Agent Domrose supplied forensic evidence in '96 for us and the results thereof." "Yeah, sure, fine. I'll meet you for lunch," he said and then offered the other woman a seat. Scully shut the door again and wondered as she ascended the stairs if Mulder had really heard her request. xxxxxx Monday, 2 p.m. Hoover Building Mulder eyed his watch with apprehension for what had to be the twentieth time in as many minutes. He'd waited. He'd done what was right, given her the time and space she needed. He hadn't tried to call her all weekend, hadn't stopped by, nothing. It had been driving him crazy. Absolutely and utterly crazy. He'd picked up the phone a hundred times and almost dialed her number but common sense and fear had taken over and stopped him every time. He owed her an apology. He owed her a huge fucking blimp sized apology. He owed her the rest of his life, on his knees, begging for forgiveness. But he knew if he went to her with it too soon, he was in danger of making things even worse. She needed some time to cool down. So did he. So he'd waited. And he was waiting still. It was two o'clock. It was fucking two o'clock already and she still hadn't shown up at the office. Was she afraid? Still angry? It wasn't like her to just blow off work this way. She should have at least called. But then again, why should she really? What did she owe him after the way he'd acted towards her on Friday? He shuddered thinking of it. He'd been so awful. Worse than he'd ever behaved towards anyone. Practically a fucking rapist. Four past two. He closed the unread folder on his desk in frustration. Where in God's name was she? He walked over to the table where she usually did her work and rifled absently through the papers there. Maybe there was something important that she'd been working on, something she was taking care of right now. Maybe it was another thing he was supposed to help her with that he'd flaked out on. God, how could he have forgotten? He kicked himself again for the mental lapse that had led to the hideous confrontation in the first place. Nice photographic memory jack-ass. He still couldn't remember her telling him about it, even now. There was nothing to offer even the slightest of clues among her things. He opened one of the drawers, aware that he was crossing some kind of line but not really caring. Nothing but a box of Triscuits and a pair of shoes. Could have left me with a better clue than that Scully. He picked up her phone and dialed the extension for the lab upstairs. Maybe she was doing some doctor-like things. One of the geeks picked up the phone and he asked him if he'd seen her at all. Mulder was sure the guys up there would remember if their walking wet dream had graced them with her presence. None of them had seen her since last week. He tried several other departments they sometimes worked with and it seemed as if no one in the building had seen her since Friday. He got desperate at around three fifteen and tried Skinner. Nothing there but some ranting about his ass being in some kind of unfortunate state if he didn't get some report or other up there right away. He wondered idly how long he would last before calling her apartment. 4:10 p.m. "Scully, it's me. Are you there Scully? It's almost four thirty and I'm starting to...I'm wondering where you are Scully. I wanted...I feel really bad about Friday and I was hoping we could talk. Are...are you there?" He waited a moment before continuing, hoping like hell that she would just pick up the damn phone. It had taken all the balls he had to actually bring himself to call her and he didn't want his bravery to be wasted on the answering machine. "Scully, I know you're gonna think I'm being a jack-ass, but I'm starting to get a little worried. I'm leaving work now and I'm gonna come over there, okay? I really want us to talk through this. If you don't wanna see me just leave a note on the door or something so I know you're okay. Okay? Scully?" He slammed the phone down with an aggravated sigh. "Dammit, Scully, where are you?" He tried to drive at a reasonable speed. He told himself that there was no reason to panic, nothing to be concerned about really. It was just Scully being obstinate, ignoring him. Maybe she still needed more space. Maybe she was trying to work through her thoughts so that they could talk rationally. *Maybe they took her from you again* He tried to ignore the familiar voice, the familiar twitch of anxiety. It wasn't that. It couldn't possibly be. No. He dialed her number again as he swerved dangerously through three lanes of traffic. His tires skidded on the pavement and for a moment he was certain he was about careen into a cement overpass. "Shit!" was the first word on this message. "Jesus. That was close. Scully, are you there? I'm on my way over there. I um...I know you don't really want me to be there. I know these messages are probably annoying the hell out of you." Why the hell wasn't she picking up? His desperation led him to utter words that came to him with the ease and comfort of pulling teeth. "I'm sorry Scully. I'm really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking Friday. I was just...I dunno, there's no excuse really. Sometimes I just get so..." he drifted off, uncertain of the proper word. Horny? Frustrated? Desperate? "Tense. I shouldn't have gone over there like that at all and I...I didn't mean any of the things I said. The stuff about you leaving...I didn't mean it. I didn't....Dammit Scully. Please. Please don't do this. Just pick up okay? Just pick up and tell me that I'm a piece of shit and that you never want to see me again. Just let me know that..." His plea was cut off abruptly by a high pitched beep marking the end of his time limit. He tossed the cell phone on to the passenger seat angrily. "What the fuck? What the fuck, Scully?" This wasn't like her. Not at all. Had it been that bad? Had he driven her so far away that she would never come back? No. He had to stop. It was just one day. She'd only been gone a few hours. She was probably sick. Maybe she had a cold or something. Maybe she was sleeping and she'd just forgotten to call in. Maybe it was something worse then a cold. What if it was something serious... His foot twitched nervously against the gas pedal. Damn traffic. He picked the phone up again and hit redial. 5:30 p.m. Scully's apartment By the time he reached her apartment he had called her twice more and gotten no response. And there was no note on the door. He knocked tentatively at first, a little nervous now that he was actually here. What if she opened the door and she was still angry. What if she just spit in his face? "Scully?" He knocked a little harder. At least then he'd know. As long as she was safe, they'd be able to work it out somehow. He was willing to do anything. "Scully are you there? Please talk to me Scully. I can't stand this." He pulled his cell from his jacket pocket and dialed again. "Scully, pick up the phone. Answer the door, Scully. Dammit! Are you in there? Scully, I'm coming in. If you don't want me to pick up the fucking phone and tell me that." He grabbed his keyring from his jeans and picked through the collection in search of the one he needed. The one with the little tag that read "Scully". He hadn't used it in a long time. Where the hell was it? He flipped frantically throughout the group of keys. Had to be there somewhere. "Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck." He dug his hands into each one of his pockets. Nothing. It was gone. "Scully!" He was shouting now. His fist was turning red from knocking so hard. "Scully, I can't find my fucking key." He dialed her number again. "Scully, this is ridiculous. Pick up the goddamn phone, Scully!" Petulant child. That's what she was acting like. Damn her for making him worry like this. "Scully, I'm going home to find my keys. I'm coming back Scully. I don't have to do this. Just tell me. Just pick up the phone and tell me...God, fuck it. I'm coming back, Scully. Just so ya know. Just in case you give a shit." 6:00 p.m. Mulder's apartment Jane was very excited. It was finally coming together now. Her plans had taken awhile to formulate but once the pieces had started to fall into place, things had unfolded more or less perfectly. She'd been thrilled to see them fighting the other night. She supposed it had something to do with the urgent messages Scully had left for him. Messages that Jane had deleted. She'd looked damn pissed at him. So pissed that she'd rejected him. Stupid cunt. Things would be better for Mulder now. Little miss priss was tied up securely in her apartment and she was here. Where she belonged. In Mulder's living room. They'd agreed to meet tonight to talk things through. He was thinking of doing a hypno-regression on her. Jane wasn't one hundred percent sure what that meant but it sounded like fun. Mulder doing an anything on her sounded like fun. She'd worn her absolute favorite outfit in the world. A nice pair of black pants and a grey button down sweater. She'd seen the bitch wearing something similar and the way Mulder had looked at her that day, you'd have thought she was wearing a Versace evening gown. She checked her watch nervously. Any minute now. Any minute he'd come home to his freshly cleaned apartment. No Scully at work today. What a shame. Maybe he'd be a little sad about their fight, wondering if she'd left for good. And Jane would be there to comfort him. To show him that he didn't really need the little witch anyway. He needed someone who would never leave him no matter what. Someone who would never push him away like that. What a little bitch that Scully was. Any minute... The sound of a slamming door broke her out of her reverie and she stood from the couch. "Mulder?" It was him alright. He walked, rather stalked, into the living room, brushing past her, digging through his pockets, a cell phone tucked against his ear. "Mulder, are you okay? I..." "Mrs. Scully? Hi, um...this is Fox Mulder. Listen I hate to bother you but I was just wondering if you had talked to Dana recently?" He walked to his desk and began pulling drawers open and searching through the contents. "I mean like this weekend." Papers and pens were now being shuffled around, tossed out of their proper places. Jane walked closer to him, wanting to reach out somehow. This was not good. He was calling her fucking mother already? Jesus. "No, huh? Do you um...do you know if she had any plans to go anywhere this weekend?" Jane was starting to get very nervous. He was nearly in a frenzy, tearing through his belongings. He'd moved onto the kitchen now and he was practically ransacking the place. "No, I don't think...I'm not sure what to think. She didn't show up for work today and I was just starting to get a little worried. I..." He glanced up from his activities and his gaze fell on Jane. He seemed to register her presence for the first time. He looked like something important had just occurred to him. "Mrs. Scully, I've gotta go. I'll call you back." He stuck the phone into his pocket and turned to face her fully. Jane was momentarily excited. He wanted to talk to her. She was important enough to ditch the whore's mother for. "Jane, you cleaned the apartment today right?" She nodded mutely. His eyes were starting to scare her a little. He looked like a caged animal. "Did you see a key that said Scully on it anywhere?" Shit. This was very bad. He'd already realized he didn't have the key. He'd probably been to her apartment already. Things were happening far faster then Jane had anticipated. "Um...I don't think so..." He grabbed her shoulders roughly and she felt a tremor of excitement. Such passion. If only... "Don't think so or no? I need to know, Jane. It's extremely important. Think! Did you or not?" She shook her head and tried her best to look scared of him. He should be sorry for manhandling her this way when she was only trying to help him. "No Mulder, I didn't. I'm...I'm sorry..." She trailed off and forced a fake tear to run down her cheek. He let go of her abruptly and ran his fingers through his hair. "Shit. It's okay. I'm sorry. I just...I need it." "I understand, Mulder. Maybe we can find it together." She reached out to touch his arm. Yes, the idea of crawling around the apartment together with a common purpose was a good place to start. But his eyes had lost focus again. He wasn't looking at her anymore. He took out his cell phone again and turned his back to Jane. "Scully, this stopped being funny a couple hours ago. I know you're mad at me. Message received okay? Are you mad enough to let me think that you're not safe? Is that what you wanna do to me Scully?" He was pacing the apartment now as he spoke. "I called your mother Scully. She's worried about you now. Is that what you want? Scully? Please! Will you at least call your mother and have her call me and tell me you're okay? Scully? Dammit!" He threw the phone to the floor. "Mulder? What.." "Fucking machine ran out. I've gotta go." Go? Where the hell did he think he was going? They had plans tonight. He was supposed to be helping her. This was not good. Not at all. He was already half way out the door. "Mulder, wait, is there anything I can do?" He looked at her for a moment in silence. His brow creased as if he were trying to think of some useful task for her. She could be useful. She could be anything. "Yeah, yeah there is. Stay here. By the phone. If Scully calls, call my cell right away." He leaned over and picked the phone off the floor and shoved it in his pocket and Jane smiled. At least it was an excuse to stay in his apartment. To be here when he returned from his fruitless searching. "Sure. No problem." xxxxxx xx 2 weeks ago, continued xx When it was almost 1:30, Scully took out her phone and dialed Mulder, worried now for his whereabouts. "Are you hungry?" Scully heard his greeting in stereo. She jumped when she felt his hand run across her shoulders. He joined her across the table. "Not anymore. Where were you?" "Got a little behind, that's all." Scully noted he didn't have anything with him. She'd been half expecting him to bring at least some of the information she'd asked him for before she left this morning. In a cautious tone, she asked him, "So, did you manage to pull anything together?" She thought she detected a little hint of worry in his look. He took a bite of the sandwich she'd ordered him and said, "Pull what together?" "I asked you to look up that information for Agent Domrose's hearing." "Oh, yeah," he said, his mouth full. "I didn't have time. I'll see what I can do after lunch. Or tomorrow, maybe. When's that hearing?" "It's a week from Friday, Mulder. Haven't you read any of the memos that have come through about it?" She said, her frustration beginning to grow. "No I guess I haven't," he said as he stuffed his mouth again. Scully shook her head slightly and tried another vein of possible conversation, something that had been nagging at her all morning. "So, who was that woman who came to the office this morning?" He nodded quickly and swallowed. "Yeah, um, she's the woman who cleans my apartment, actually. She just moved here and took over for the one I had before." "And so you invited her to the office to get to know her better?" She asked leadingly. "No, she, uh, she claims to - forget it, you won't care, anyway." "No, Mulder, if it has something to do with our work, of course I care. Now what was she doing there?" She asked, trying her hardest to not sound like a suspicious spouse. "She says she was abducted - see I knew you'd react that way." Scully had tried her best not to react negatively, but was almost unable to help herself. She felt guilty when she saw Mulder's disappointed look. "Okay, Mulder," she said, trying to make up for it. "So she was abducted. I assume she believes that extra-terrestrial life forms did this to her?" "Well yeah, it seems that way, but the interesting thing of it is, Scully," he began and Scully observed the fact that he wouldn't really look her in the eye as he spoke. "She said that her entire family was taken, all of them at one time. She had eight brothers and sisters, plus her and her parents, they were all taken at one time, on several occasions throughout her lifetime. You see, they would all end up in the same place together, not one of the family members had summoned any one of them there, it was just coincidence that they would end up together, and then it would happen." He hesitated, then added, "A group abduction, Scully." Scully didn't like at all where this was headed and was now sorry she'd ever forced it from him. "So this is happening now to her?" "See, that's why she moved away, hoping it would keep from happening. But this is her second move in 3 years, and she seems to be experiencing them still. With her first move, she would find herself all of a sudden on an airplane or in her car en route to her parent's home. One time she ended up at home and couldn't remember how she'd gotten there. Since she's been here, she doesn't remember it having happened again, but she does experience feelings of a presence in her apartment, she loses time." She listened patiently and felt her shoulders growing tighter. She wanted to ask him again exactly what this had to do with bureau work, but kept it in check. She wasn't in the mood to argue with him and additionally, she didn't want him to bring up any similarities to what had happened to her recently. She didn't have an opportunity to give him a reaction because his phone rang and he excused himself immediately after hanging up. "Mulder, wait a min-" but he was gone, his attentions millions of miles away from her or her concerns. She gathered herself and headed back to the office. xxxxxx Monday, 7pm Scully's apartment "Scully, it's me again. I didn't find my keys. I don't know what happened. Scully, I need you to let me in now okay?" Mulder shook his head and squeezed his eyes together in frustration. He'd looked in her windows when he'd gotten back to her apartment. It was pretty dark. But he was still convinced that she had to be in there. Hiding from him, that's what she was doing. That had to be what she was doing. "Scully, this is silly. You need to let me in." He pounded on the door again as his panic level rose. "Scully, if you don't let me in, I'm gonna have to let myself in. Do you wanna pay for another broken door? Is that what you want?" Nothing. No response whatsoever. Obviously she didn't care about her door. Or him. Or anything else. He would make her see, he would make her care. One way or another. "Alright, Scully. This is your last chance. All I need to hear is one fucking word from you and this won't happen." A door from somewhere down the hall opened and a voice called out to Mulder. Something about shutting the hell up. "Fuck off. I'm a cop," he growled as if it meant something. He backed a few steps away from the door, enough room to get a running start. "Scully, your neighbors hate me now. They probably hate you too by association. You wanna get kicked out of the building? Dammit Scully! This isn't fucking funny anymore." He took a deep breath and tightened his muscles, preparing himself. "I'm coming in now Scully. Last chance to stop me." Why the hell wasn't she stopping him? He felt a tear of anger and worry trail down his cheek. "Here I come Scully." He plowed shoulder first into the door. A sharp stabbing pain shot through his entire body at the impact. And the door remained shut. "Dammit. Fuck!" He cursed himself as the memory returned to him. He'd been the one to pay for her latest door replacement. And he'd chosen a model suitable to guard Fort Knox. It was like running into a goddamn metal safe. "Scully! You want me to break my arm out here?" He called out as he slammed against the hateful thing again. And again. And again. Eventually the pain became an almost religious experience for him. Penance. For his behavior towards her on Friday. After several more crashes, he heard two snaps. One, he realized as he fell into her apartment, was the door finally giving. The other he could only assume was his shoulder. "Scully!" His voice seemed unnaturally loud now. It was so quiet. He turned on the light and surveyed the living room. So empty. A shiver passed through his body. Something was very wrong here. He walked slowly through the apartment, searching room by room, in the shower, under the bed, everywhere. She wasn't here. She really wasn't here. He paused in her bedroom. The bed was made, everything was in its proper place. It didn't look like anyone had broken in. There were no signs of a struggle. The window was closed and in tact. His eyes fell on the closet door and he pulled it open frantically, suddenly certain that she was crouching on the floor in there. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was empty. Completely fucking empty. He ran to her dresser and yanked open the drawers furiously. They were empty too. Her clothes. God. All her clothes were gone. Everything. Not just enough for a weekend trip. Enough for her entire life. He felt dizzy. This had to be some kind of joke. A trick. Someone was fucking with his head. That was the only explanation. xxxxxx xx The previous Friday night, 9pm xx Taxicab Mulder rolled down the window. Only went halfway. He stuck his head as far outside as he could manage and tried to suck down some fresh air. If he could just avoid barfing until he was in his own home he knew he would be very proud. He tried to remember how many shots he'd sucked down tonight, when he'd started drinking, where he'd started drinking. It was all a blur. He wasn't sure what he'd been thinking. He was such a bad drunk. Such a lightweight. And a goddamn emotional moron. He wasn't sure if he'd decided to get wasted to forget about things with Scully or to remember them. Had he wanted an escape from the tension between them, bearing down on him day and night. Or had he been seeking an outlet? An illusion of confidence, enough kahonas to make another move on her? He couldn't remember. All he could recall was the fact that he'd been sitting on the same fucking barstool all evening ruminating about the situation like some kind of ineffectual jerk-off. Wondering if she thought about it like he did. If she had plans for him, for the future. If she'd stayed because of his desire for her or despite it. If he'd ever know the answer to that. His mind wandered, as it so often did, to that moment. To her eyes, tearing up, confused, shocked, perhaps hungry. To her lips, opening under his. Opening. She opened her fucking mouth. He groaned in frustration and pressed his fists into the seat of the cab. He knew it would be a mistake to try anything like that again. She knew now. There was no point. All his cards were on the table and the next move was hers. It had to be. But sometimes he was so tempted. "Kay mister, this is your apartment, right?" Mulder nodded blankly. It certainly looked like his apartment. He supposed it probably was. Only moments ago he'd wanted nothing more than to be here, but now that he was, the thought of staggering to his couch and playing with himself seemed like an extremely depressing prospect. "Um, yeah it is but...could you, I kind of wanna go somewhere else." "Excuse me?" This was not a good idea. A thousand warning lights were going off in his brain. But he couldn't stop. "I wanna go to Georgetown. Take me to Georgetown." "Georgetown?! Look mister, I don't have all night to drive you around the entire DC metropolitan area so..." "You're a cab driver, right? What the fuck else do you have to do?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a large bill, might have been a hundred, he wasn't sure, and tossed it through the little window at the driver. part 3 Monday, 10:50 p.m. Scully's apartment Flashing red lights, police tape, rubber gloves, evidence bags, nameless, faceless agents rifling through her things, Mulder had been here before. This time was worse. This time there were reporters, people taking pictures and asking him questions. Somehow, somewhere along the line, the two of them had become news. He wondered if maybe he'd made a mistake. If he'd panicked too soon and subjected her to this violation unnecessarily. But his fear overrode any logical objections his brain could muster up. She was gone. Just gone. There was no way he could ignore that. No way he could sit on his ass and wait for her to call and tell him what the deal was. Because it was very possible that she couldn't call. Through the cloud of noise and activity he recognized Skinner standing in the doorway, looking blandly concerned as ever. The older man made eye contact with Mulder and approached him warily. "Agent Mulder?" Mulder heard and saw him but he seemed to be blurry. Everything was so blurry. "Mulder? What the hell is going on?" "I don't...know." Men were picking through her sofa. The sofa he'd been sitting on a few days ago, watching her, wanting her. "What do you mean you don't know?" They were standing close to the door. The door she'd thrown him out of. If he looked closely he could almost see them there, could almost hear her... "Agent Mulder! When is the last time you saw Scully?" What had he been doing? What the hell had he been doing? Trying to drive her to the breaking point? To wear down her defenses so that she was emotionally raw, so that she might reveal something of herself? Had he been fool enough to think if he was enough of an asshole to her that eventually she'd snap and confess her undying love? Had that been his brilliant plan? Had he thought that forcing himself on her would endear him to her? "I saw...I was...Friday. Friday." He started to walk away from Skinner, not wishing to discuss the details of his last contact with Scully, but the A.D. grabbed his shoulder and forced him to face him. "What did she say to you? Did she give you any indication that she might be going away or..." "If she had do you think I'd have the fucking national guard at her apartment right now?" He'd told her to leave. He'd stood right on this patch of carpet and told her to leave him. "Just calm down, Mulder. I'm just trying to get a clear picture of what happened here." So calm. So rational. Mulder felt a sudden and highly irrational urge to smash his boss' head in with a baseball bat. Just go already. Just go. Just fucking go. Maybe I should. Get out of my house. I don't need you. Just go. Her lips. Again her lips. Under his. His tongue pushing its way into her mouth. Her muffled protests. His complete ignorance. His idiocy. Pinning her against the counter with his arms and his dick. Trapping her. Probably scaring the hell out of her. "What happened here is that an agent is missing and every minute we spend here bullshitting about nothing is another minute that she's in danger." Skinner sighed and rubbed his forehead. He was getting more and more visibly frustrated. "Mulder if we're gonna find her we need to figure out some things. Like who might have taken her, or if she's even been taken. Outside of the door you say you broke yourself, there's no evidence here of a forced entry." Just go. Maybe I should have. FUCK YOU. "What the hell are you implying?" "Maybe he's implying that she left here of her own accord." Mulder jumped and felt a shudder down his spine. He turned reluctantly to face Maggie Scully. Skinner muttered something about needing to talk to someone and disappeared, probably sensing a gruesome oncoming scene. Mulder wished he could do the same. Scully's mother looked utterly bedraggled and he felt a pang of guilt remembering how he'd left her hanging. No wonder she'd shown up here. She wasn't alone. She was standing next to a man slightly taller than Mulder, with black hair and huge, frightening blue eyes. Scully eyes. He had Scully's eyes. And her mouth. And her light complexion. He looked like her. Except completely different. Another relative? A bodygaurd? Hired assassin? "What the hell is happening, Fox?" Why did everyone keep asking him that? Could they all see what had happened between them? Did they think that he'd driven her away? Had he? "I'm sorry I hung up on you before, Mrs. Scully. I was kind of frantic. I'm not really sure what's happening to tell you the truth." The other man was staring at him. He was starting to make Mulder even more uncomfortable than he already was. "Well, what do you know?" "Um...all I know right now is that nobody's heard from Scully or seen her since Friday night and that some of her stuff... well most of her clothes are gone." "Fox..." Mulder saw Scully's landlord out of the corner of his eye. He needed to talk to him. Right away. "Mrs. Scully I can't really talk now but I..." He leaned in and touched her arm lightly. "I'm gonna find her. I promise you. I swear to God I will." He started to walk away but her angry demand stopped him. "And then what Fox? Maybe you'll find her this time, but what happens next time? And the time after that? Mulder simply gaped at her, unable or unwilling to respond to her outburst. The man next to her put his arm around her. "Come on, mom. There's nothing we can do here. Let's just go home, okay?" Mom. He called her mom. It dawned on Mulder that he must be Scully's brother. Her other brother. Charles? Was that his name? She pulled away from him and glared at Mulder. "You can save her as many times as you want Fox but she wouldn't need saving in the first place if..." She drifted off and sighed. "Come on, mom." Scully's brother looked from his mother to Mulder and then back again. Maggie turned from Mulder and walked away, never finishing her sentence. She didn't need to. Mulder heard the rest loud and clear. xx The previous Friday night, 10:30 p.m. xx "Scully? You there?" Mulder thought he was whispering but in fact he was yelling. He thought he was knocking lightly but in fact he was pounding. The door jerked open and she appeared before him. Silky gold pajamas. And a not so pleased to see him expression. "Mulder what are you doing here?" "Mmmmm..." She smelled so good. He stumbled clumsily into her apartment and kicked the door shut. "Drunk again Mulder? I certainly hope you're not developing a real problem here." He smelled awful, him and his whiskey breath and he was drunker than the last time he'd come over in that condition. Scully didn't know what he thought he was affecting by coming tonight, either. She was tired from a long day of carrying around a boiling anger toward him for not following through, again, and she really didn't have the energy to deal with him now. He shook his head emphatically and opened his mouth to lie to her. "I am not drunk, Scully. And furthermore, I'm offended that you would think that I would come here in such a state." Suddenly there were two of her. He grabbed blindly for one of them. Thankfully it was the real her. He clutched her shoulder and leaned down. He wanted to get to her ear and he had to practically bend over to get to it. >From that angle he got quite an eyeful of her cleavage. Need surged through his veins to add to the fire already begun in his groin. "I have something...I'm...I have to give you something." He didn't have a clue what he was trying to say to her. She pushed his hand gently from her and turned her back to him. "I'm gonna make you some coffee Mulder. You need to sober up. Sit down." He sat on the couch while Scully went to the kitchen. At least it wasn't three o'clock in the morning this time, but she still couldn't believe his nerve. She banged around in the kitchen hoping that it would irritate the mother of a headache he deserved to have. Mulder watched her from the living room. She was too fucking beautiful. It wasn't fair. How was he supposed to be able to deal with that every single day? It was too much. He felt all the self-control he had left, the tiny amount of patience remaining in his body and soul, disappearing rapidly as he watched her. He was tired of waiting. He was tired of looking. He stood and walked over to her. Standing behind her, he slipped his arms over her waist, under the top of her pajamas. Her skin was so soft. Nothing should be that damned soft. Scully jumped and dumped the coffee grounds into the pot instead of the filter. Immediately, her skin felt like it was on fire, millions of soft pin pricks around her abdomen pulsating and pushing up through her breasts and neck. She couldn't breathe. What the hell was he doing? She heard him moan into her ear and press himself against her, shoving his erection into her back. She tried to speak, to get his attention and make him stop before getting too carried away. "Mulder...," she said and unfortunately it came out more as a groan. He knew he was being insane. What the fuck did he expect this to accomplish? But it felt so good. He just wanted to feel good, to make her feel good. "Scully...you feel good. I've been thinking about you all night. About touching you." He placed his open mouth on the warm skin just behind her ear. Her knees gave then and she had to literally hang onto the counter. What was happening here? What was making him do this? He continued to suck behind her ear, the pressure ever increasing. She couldn't see the counter before her and it was all she could do to keep from whimpering. Yet for as wonderful as it felt, she knew it wasn't right. Then it occurred to her that maybe he was trying to make her forget what he'd done today. Or more specifically, what he hadn't done. And she was going to have to make him stop doing this to her or she wouldn't be able to think straight. They still had things to discuss. "Mulder you," she stopped and swallowed hard when he began rubbing his nose all along the back of her neck. "Where were you?" She let out a breath. "I was in a bar. I'm sorry. I should have been here." His hands ran possessively over her sides and stomach. He thought he was stroking her gently. In fact he was grabbing and squeezing, clutching and pinching. What was he saying? He was groping her clumsily like some teenage boy, and her anger was starting to outweigh the feelings he had been stirring in her. Her voice a bit more even this time, she tried to speak with more force. "No, I mean today. Where were you today?" She sounded angry. Maybe she'd been waiting for this all day? Or longer. Maybe she'd been waiting for him to do this for a long, long time. It didn't matter, he would make up for it now. He would make up for everything tonight. He bit down on her earlobe. He thought it was a nibble. "I was...I dunno...." He couldn't remember at the moment where he'd been all day. "I'm here now, baby. It's okay. I'm here and I wanna fuck you." He thought it was the most romantic thing he'd ever said. His tongue started probing the inside of her ear. It tasted so good. It took a moment or two for what he'd said to register. In the meantime, she concentrated on being able to inhale and exhale naturally again. He was driving her mad. He was in her...Oh God, his tongue. Then it caught up with her. "I wanna fuck you." Fuck me? That's what he came over here to do? He'd spent the money to get wasted, why didn't he just find himself a hooker while he was at it? She groaned and tried to speak again, but her tone was still very breathy. "You were..." She jerked away from his mouth and hissed out her words. "You were supposed to be at the hearing." Hearing? What was a hearing? Maybe it had something to do with her ear. "Mmmm...the wha?" "The hearing Mulder. The freaking hearing." She whirled around to face him so she could show him the anger in her face. "Scully, I dunno what you're talkin' bout." His words were adding fuel to the fire of her anger but the sound of his voice was driving her crazy, making her as equally drunk. Mulder noticed the way her lips were pursed tightly together. She looked so tense. She needed to relax. His hands started working on massaging her shoulders. He dipped his head down and placed a kiss the hollow of her neck. "Hearing," she choked out. She tried to say it louder. "The hearing. Agent Domrose." He was still writhing against her, his hands roaming all over her body, squeezing and rubbing. She couldn't move. He was the one holding her upright by the way he was clutching her. And then...Oh God...how had he known it was her neck that would get to her? Oh God, this felt so good. She wanted to just forget it, to just let him, like he said, fuck her, right here on her kitchen counter. All night long if he wanted to. At that moment she wanted nothing else. But that's exactly what she'd been doing her entire career with him. She'd let it go too many times. And right this moment he was drunk. Fucking drunk and grabbing at her now in a way she thought may give her bruises. He wasn't even really paying attention to how he was handling her. All he wanted was to fuck her. To relieve himself, using her like she was just another item in his pornographic media. It wasn't going to happen this way. "The fraud hearing. Dammit Mulder! You were supposed to be there. You told me you'd try to help him." Only a few of her words registered in his brain. He couldn't understand what any of this had to do with him. "Agent Dumbwhat? Scully I don't wanna talk about work." Her lips parted in an expression of disbelief. He must have taken the motion as an invitation, for he squeezed her shoulders tight and leaned down, leering at her with the hungriest look she'd ever seen on his face. "Scully, you're so beautiful. Your face, it's so perfect, flawless. I love it." She felt her heart ache at hearing his words. They were so wonderful. And yet so completely infuriating. Then he leaned even closer and she shot him a warning with her eyes when she realized what he was planning on doing. He covered her mouth with his own. She whimpered and moaned despite herself when he shoved his tongue into her mouth. Within seconds he had her pinned against the counter. His tongue was probing her mouth and his hands were roaming freely and wantonly over her entire body. It felt so good to him, so right, so perfect. He was moaning excitedly and tugging at her pajamas, desperate to feel her bare skin against him. When she started making small muffled sounds, he took it as further encouragement and pressed himself harder against her. His hands slid up her top and his fingers grazed her nipples. Hard. They were hard. He took one between his thumb and forefinger and squeezed it tight with an indelicate grunt. So good. She felt so good. "Mulder," she moaned out when he moved back to her neck. Her windpipe seemed to constrict on her and she was almost gulping for air now. "Mmm...Scully..." His was laving with his tongue around her jawline. She felt so lightheaded. So overly warm. "Mulder, don't," she whispered, just before his mouth overtook hers again. She felt like she could explode. But she knew this had to stop. She was trapped between his grinding lower body and the counter. He slipped his hands under the waistband of her pajama bottoms and grabbed at her ass, trying to lift her off the ground. She gasped in fear this time. Then her hands balled into tiny fists and started pushing against his chest, pushing him away. Sudden realization hit him like a brick and he stumbled back. He stood a few feet away from her, gasping for air. "Shit. Shit." He muttered under his breath. He'd blown it. God he'd completely blown it. "Sorry...I...I'm sorry...I....shit." "Damn you, Mulder! Tell me where the fuck you were today!" She finally had the energy to scream with him backed away. She knew her face must be redder than her hair right now and she still couldn't see him clearly. They were both panting heavily. As she watched a drunk Mulder try and formulate an intelligent answer, her anger increased sevenfold. He shook his head slowly, trying his hardest to regain some semblance of coherence. He needed to be not drunk. He needed to understand. This was very, very important. He knew that it was. She wanted to know where he was today. How was he supposed to remember that now? And what did it have to do with what was happening? With what he'd just done? "I...I think I was working. Um...on the x-files. I think I was talking to Jane or something. She thinks she's gonna get abducted again." He was proud to have managed that much recollection. "Mulder, do you have any idea how much Agent Domrose has helped us recently. How concerned he was with re- opening the x-files. We owed him. You owed him." More with Agent whoever. Mulder felt dizzy and terribly overwhelmed. What did any of this have to do with sex? He took a deep breath and tried to focus. He was starting to understand that this was quite serious. That he was on the verge of something very bad happening. If it hadn't already. "Scully, who is Agent Dumbbutt and what was I supposed to do to help him?" She still couldn't believe his nerve. She'd never seen him act so self-servingly as he was now. He didn't want her. He wanted to make her forget that he'd let her down. "Agent Domrose, the laboratory division head!" She rolled her eyes and stalked out of the kitchen and away from him. So far away. She felt him at her heels, following her into the living room. "It's only been the topic of conversation in every elevator, in the cafeteria, the parking garage, the washrooms for the last 3 months." "I quit listening to office gossip when I heard them start making speculations about the size of my manhood," he muttered, more to himself than her. "You said you would help me out on this, that you would show up for the hearing." He looked like an ape. A drunk, horny, smelly ape, just standing there stupidly. He still had a goddamn erection for Christ's sake! Her pulse pounded painfully in her ears. Hearing again. Hearing, hearing, hearing. He scanned what was left of his brain for some kind of memory. He had none. "I didn't even know there was a hearing today." "How could you NOT have known? Besides the fact that its on everyone's lips, it's in all the papers across the country. And furthermore," she held her hand out to stop him from speaking, "Furthermore, I left you 3 messages this week and a reminder on the voice mail that I needed any information you had gotten by Friday morning." "I never got any messages, Scully." That he knew to be the truth. He would have paid attention to her messages. He would have remembered. She stood there, dumbfounded that he'd shamelessly lie to her like that. Lie to her and expect he could fuck it all away. Her eyes began to tear. "Do you know how much this man has helped us out in the last five years, Mulder? Now he's in jeopardy of losing his position and going to jail and your off playing knight in shining armor to this Jane woman." "I don't think I had anything to help anyway Scully. I don't...I didn't..." He ran his hand through his hair angrily. He needed to be clear. He needed to be able to explain. He still didn't understand how any of this was relevant, though. Was she just completely ignoring his advances? Pretending they hadn't even happened and changing the subject. He wished if she didn't want him she'd just tell him already instead of making excuses. "Dammit, Mulder, dammit! What the hell else have you been doing all week long? We aren't on any assignments right now, you don't volunteer to help other departments, and I know you haven't finished those profile write-ups you'd promised Skinner weeks ago." God, what in the world was she talking about? She was getting so worked up, shouting and waving her arms. Her face was red and her eyes were watery with tears of frustration. And preaching to him about his work habits of all things. "Answer my question, Mulder. What sort of Bureau work have you been doing all week?" "Work for the X-files, that's what work. Dammit Scully, I know how to do my job. I didn't..." He felt himself choking up with tears of frustration. "I didn't come here for this," he muttered quietly. "And Mulder, did it even occur to you for a minute that this woman is just toying with you? And just what the hell does this she have to do with our work on the X-files, anyway? She's your cleaning lady, Mulder, and frankly, I think she's starting to develop an unhealthy affinity toward you." For a reason unknown to her, a scene of Jane and Mulder laughing and writhing around together on his couch while her unacknowledged voice played on the answering machine in the background, popped into her head. The corners of her mouth twitched downwards. "What does that mean?" He turned towards her, angry and confused. First it was Agent Dumbbutt and now it was Jane. It seemed like she wanted to talk about every irrelevant thing in the world except for the fact that he'd just kissed her, groped her, fucking attacked her. He was starting to wonder what the hell he had to do to get some acknowledgment here. "Mulder, come on. She's over there all the time. She calls you constantly." She was sounding more and more accusing by the moment. She hated herself for it, but she needed to know why; why he'd been so intent on working with this woman. She shook her head and looked at him as if he were a small child. Or a complete mental defect. God, she was really fixating on this now. He felt the need to explain this to her, to make her understand why Jane's story was important to him. If for no other reason than it would be one less thing for her to use as a distraction. "Scully, she needs somebody. She's been through hell. A hell that I think you of all people would understand." Her eyes dropped to the floor and he knew he'd gotten something through. Maybe now she would understand. He needed to work on this not just for himself but for Scully. To figure out what had happened to her. He wasn't a selfish bastard. Dammit, he wasn't. This was important for both of them, whether she could see it or not. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare use that as a fucking excuse." When he saw her face again he started to wonder if he'd made a mistake. Her lips were pressed tightly together and her eyes were completely closed off to him. Her voice had dropped to a low threatening tone and he suddenly felt very, very sober. Why had he tried to explain? "Scully.." "No!" She held her hand up as if she were warding him off. "No. Don't make this about protecting me. I am so sick of hearing that crap come out your mouth every time you blow me off, or lie to me or keep something from me. You're not doing this for me, Mulder. So don't fucking kid yourself, alright?" He looked so sad, so desperate standing there, but she wasn't about to let him get to her like that anymore. "Jane isn't the point anyway, Mulder. The point is that..." She drifted off and turned her back on him. He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. He stood before her completely speechless. He didn't think he could remember ever seeing her so angry at him. This was escalating far out of his control. Why couldn't she see that everything he did was about her? What did he have to do to make her see? "What is Scully? What's the point? That you don't understand a fucking thing about me or what I care about?" He was surprised at the level of anger he felt. He was shaking her. He dropped his hands when he realized he might be hurting her and backed away. "No." She growled out through clenched teeth. "The point is that after everything I have sacrificed for you, after everything we've been through I thought the least I could expect was that you would be there for me when I need a favor. That is the goddamn point." He knew it was a good point and that he should just apologize, just end this thing right now but her words had cut him too deep. "I didn't realize I'd been such a burden to you, Scully." He spat with more bitterness than he'd intended. "Dammit Mulder, that's not what I'm saying." Her face was turning bright red and she was shaking even more. "You never fucking listen! You hear what you want to hear and ignore the rest! God, this is so stupid. So fucking pointless. You're like a goddam brick wall. Just leave, Mulder." Leave? She wanted him to leave now? In the middle of this? When they hadn't even dealt with anything important? Not this time. Not now. "No." "Mulder, I want you to leave. We'll pick this up on Monday." What was he doing? Scully wondered if he wasn't just completely hopeless. If he'd ever pay attention to what she said to him. "I'm not leaving until we finish this, Scully. You've obviously got a lot of resentment built up towards me and, I dunno Scully, I'm starting to think again maybe you should have left me when you wanted to in the first place." The words felt like poison on his tongue. They were wrong. This was all wrong. Her rapid heart rate slowed just long enough to skip over three beats. She wasn't sure if she had heard him right at first. She looked at him and remembered all he'd said to make her stay. Had they been lies? "Maybe I should have." She fixed him with a deadly glare and his heart sank and shattered. He flinched and bit down on his lip. That was not the right answer. This was the part where she was supposed to say, "No Mulder, I could never leave you. Don't you know that?" This was the part where they were both supposed to apologize, to remember all they'd been through and to fall into a comforting embrace. Why wasn't it happening? He felt a clenching panic, something he was sure had to be similar to a heart attack. But still he found words pouring out of his mouth. A challenge. He needed to know how serious she was, how far she would go. "So why don't you, Scully? Why don't you just put yourself out of this misery and just go already?" God no. Please Scully. Just stop this. Just tell me you can't. Tell me you won't. Tell me you love me anyway. "Get the fuck out of my house Mulder! Now!" His look was contemptible. He crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at her. She felt the unusual urge to punch him in the eye. What the fuck did he think he was doing? Her voice was cold as ice. But her eyes. Mulder looked deep into her eyes and saw a glimmer of weakness, a tiny flash that told him she didn't really want him to leave. "Make me." "Fuck you, Fox Mulder. FUCK YOU! I don't need this crap and I don't need you now GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" She stormed past him and pulled open the door. For a moment all he could do was stare at her blankly in shock. She nodded towards the exit angrily and he realized he had no choice. She was liable to pull out her gun in a second. part 4 Tuesday, 12:10 am Mulder's apartment Jane yawned and stood, stretching her legs. She had no idea how many hours she'd been sitting by that stupid phone. It was getting ridiculous already. What the hell was he doing? He must have gotten into her apartment by now, must have seen that she was gone, that her clothes were gone. After that fight, it only made sense that he'd assume she'd left. It was what Jane was counting on. But would he look for her? That was the question. It was really the key issue. She still hadn't figured out a way to ensure that he wouldn't. She needed a way to tap into his insecurities, to make him believe that she left him because she wanted to and that he should just let her go. She sank into the couch with a sigh and flipped on the television. If only he'd come home so that she could see what the hell was going on. News, news, news. She gazed disinterestedly at the screen flipping from channel to channel. Suddenly something caught her eye. Or rather someone. It was him. Mulder. Mulder was on the television. He was walking around outside a crime scene of some kind. There were uniformed police officers and men in suits and reporters. There was a reporter standing in the foreground. Jane felt a tremor of excitement at seeing Mulder on the television. He looked so...official. So in charge. Running around being Mister FBI. She leaned in closer and tried to get a better look at him. He was talking to some short old man. Well, maybe talking wasn't the right word. He was waving his arms around frantically and his face was turning red. He looked angry and upset. Jane leaned in nervously and turned up the volume. "So far there appears to be little information forthcoming from the FBI concerning the disappearance of Federal Agent Dana Scully. As far as we know there are no substantial leads and there's been no official statement..." Jane hit the off button on the remote and tried to take a calming breath. This was not good. This was very, very bad. Cops already? Her apartment a fucking crime scene? She'd been careful. She knew there were no clues to be found in Scully's apartment. At least she was relatively certain. Mulder was a damn good detective though. If she'd missed anything he would catch it without a doubt. She felt her heart palpitating rapidly. There was a chance. What if she'd messed something up? She couldn't go to jail. She wouldn't. She needed something else. Something to make him stop looking. To convince him and everyone else that the bitch had just left. That she didn't want to be found. 2:45 am Jane jumped at the sound of a key turning in the door. She looked down at the book on her lap nervously and shoved it under the couch cushion. She'd been reading Mulder's journals avidly and was beginning to formulate a plan. She looked towards the door and Mulder staggered in, looking more haggard than she thought she'd ever seen him. He seemed not to see her for a moment. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, his body sagging, and let out a heaving sigh. His eyes slipped shut and he buried his face in his hands. He made a sound somewhere between a moan and a sob. "Mulder?" He jerked up to attention and looked at her, confused and startled. "Jane? What...what are you doing here? It's so late." "I was waiting for Scully to call like you said." He squinted questioningly for a second and then seemed to remember his request for the first time. "You didn't...you didn't have to wait here this whole time." He walked towards her and for a minute she was sure he was going to sit beside her. But he continued past the couch and stood by the desk, looking out the window. He stood in silence for a short while, staring blankly through the glass. "She didn't call did she?" "Um...no. No she didn't" He let out a breath he seemed to have been holding and turned to face her. "Well, thanks anyway. You can go home now. I don't think she's going to be calling." He seemed so hopeless. Maybe she didn't have to do anything. Maybe he'd decided for himself that she had left him. "I don't have to leave. Do you want to talk about it?" "Talk about...no. No, there's nothing to talk about. I'm not staying anyway. I just came back to take a shower." "Where are you going?" "To look for Scully." He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Like she was a fool for even asking. "Mulder, are you sure that's the best idea? Maybe you should rest. Or at least talk to some..." "Rest? Talk?! Are you fucking serious?" He looked extremely annoyed all of a sudden. "Look Jane, thanks for waiting here and all but you need to go home. And I've gotta get out of here." He walked past her and headed towards the bathroom. "Mulder...," she called with her saddest voice. He turned and looked at her again with the same annoyed expression. She tried to show for him the severe disappointment she felt for their lost evening. Her heart pounded when she saw his face relax a bit. He ran a hand through his hair and then wiped his eyes. He sighed deeply and said, "Look, Jane, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so...Thanks. Thanks a lot for staying like this, it was really," he stopped a moment and moved closer to her. Jane met him half way. "It was really wonderful of you." Jane felt a wave of warmth pass through her entire body at the sound of his now quiet, gentle tone. She'd done something right. He thought she was wonderful. And despite the exhaustion present in his face, he looked amazing. Her heart pounded even faster at the realization of just how close he was to her. She felt her breath quicken when he raised his eyebrows in request of forgiveness. She smiled as lovingly as she possibly could. Before he could go away she spoke, "Mulder, I hate to ask you this now, but," she trailed off, unsure of how to ask him. "What is it, Jane?" Oh God, his voice was like velvet. "What about the regression?" She lifted her head and provided him with a pathetic gaze. He opened his mouth and moved away from her. "Jane, I," he started. "I don't think we'll be able to do that any time soon. In fact, I'm not sure if we'll be able to do it at all. I can't...I've got to...I've gotta find her." "But Mulder, I'm afr-," she stopped because he was already gone from the room. Jane Harris' Apartment 3:00 a.m. "Dammit!" Scully heard Jane burst through the front door and storm through the living room. She threw open the door to Scully's room and flipped the light switch. She stared at Scully, her eyes wild with anger. "This is just great. Fucking great." She moved to the wardrobe and pulled out a large envelope out of one of the drawers. Scully watched Jane in her fit and spoke quietly, "Jane. Jane, please, I need some water. Please." Jane seemed to not have heard Scully speak, as she attended to dumping the contents of the envelope onto the table next to the bed. She sat down in the chair and fished through the blank sheets of paper. "No fucking way. You've got to do this for me." She moved to the bed and leaned down to Scully's face. She squeezed Scully's earlobe between two fingers, the pressure ever increasing. "And if you try anything, ANYTHING, Dana Scully, I'll break both of your legs." Scully sucked in her bottom lip and held her breath when Jane started pulling her earring down the lobe, tearing some of the skin. "I am so fucking serious. You are NOT going to ruin this for me. Do you understand?" Scully nodded and Jane pulled her to the chair. The pages in front of her were a blur and for a moment she thought she would vomit all over them. When Jane handed her a pen, she realized she must be expecting her to take down her ransom letter. Or her suicide note? Her heart leapt to her throat. "Take a letter, agent Scully." xxxxxx Slowly waking, Scully became aware that her head ached worse now than it had ever. She examined her arm as best she could and determined now that it must be broken, from the way it looked and the intense throbbing she felt. It took her only an instant to remember what Jane had made her do last night. Write that damn letter, her right arm aching so badly she thought she'd faint. Damn that woman and damn Mulder's stupid obsessions. How could he have let himself be sucked into this woman's story? She'd written Mulder a farewell letter. A letter that had actually been written once by she herself. The words were different, but in a way it had been the gist of what she'd said in the one she wrote him, years ago, just before they'd been shut down the first time. He threatened to swallow her whole, with her career and her emotions if she didn't keep herself in check. She kept asking herself where was she hoping to go, spending her novice years in the FBI with this man everyone seemed to liken to a lunatic. Shoved away in some basement closet, gathering dust with her 'partner'. What she had essentially written Mulder was a 'Dear John' letter, once she had it down on paper. She laughed to herself upon reading it over, because it really didn't even mention anything about their partnership at all. The truth of the matter was that she was frightened by the way she was beginning to feel about this man. Frightened to death, because she knew how dangerous it might be to become too involved with Fox Mulder. So in a fleeting moment of terror, she decided she didn't want to stick around long enough to find out. But instead she followed him out to the Olympic National Forest, where she realized just how very deeply she cared for him. She knew it then beyond a doubt and so she told him in a darkened car that she'd never put herself on the line for anyone but him. She meant it and the letter was subsequently burned. Now things were so very different. Now she knew that she loved him and that she cherished him and that she wanted him, but still she continued to push him away. Mulder can't get that letter, she thought in extreme fear. She was in such pain and feeling very weak, but still was overcome with a desperate need to get out of there and to get to Mulder before that letter did. The syntax was so like her own, it was uncanny. She was terrified he would let his self-pity and guilt overtake common sense and in believing it, drive himself to doing something stupid. And if she didn't get out of where she was right now a whole human being he would never forgive himself for the things that he'd done. For the things that had been said. "Jane?" she called weakly. One, two, three; nothing. "Jane?" she yelled a little louder. Still no response. Taking a deep breath and filling her abdomen with air, she yelled "Help! Somebody, please help me!" The 'me' came out sounding very restricted and she then began to cough. Cough so hard, it hurt her ribs. She tried to yell again, this time moving closer to the wall behind her, hoping the neighbors would hear. She was having a difficult time breathing and her heart was racing fast, dangerously so. She cried in frustration. Her arms ached so badly from Jane's violent handling of her, but she tried to ignore the pain and still bang the headboard into the wall. "Help," she cried again with tears in her voice, "HELP ME, someone." Angry with herself for not having been able to get out of the situation before it had ever come to this, she grunted in anguish. She gripped a leg of the table she had just written the letter at with both of her feet and pulled it down toward her, then knocked it over, throwing it down as forcefully as she possibly could. "Help me, I'm in here, I need help," she pleaded again to any potential rescuer. She heard a noise from the floor below. Someone was yelling at her to keep the racket down. "No, please..." she paused and caught her breath, "I need your help." She reached for the chair as she did with the table and was able to fling it part way across the room, slamming into the wardrobe. "KNOCK IT OFF!" This time she heard the complaint clearly. She was sweating and panting from the exertion and collapsed to the floor, where she stayed, trying to relax long enough for the shooting pain in her arm to diminish. She looked around for another way to make noise, but found nothing within her reach. Oh God, Mulder. Where are you? I need you. xxxxxx Jane pulled up and parked in front of Mulder's building. She had just picked up some new plants for the garden, wanting to celebrate; mark the day she dropped off the letter that was going to change all of their lives in a wonderful way. She lingered on the sidewalk in front of Mulder's building before going across the street, hoping he might catch a glimpse of her. As she did, she noticed a police car rounding the corner a few blocks down. Struck with the fear that car was meant for her, that she might be found out, she ran to her building and up the stairs to her apartment. She took care not to run into anyone and when she reached her door, she heard Scully screaming weakly. Bounding through the door, she met Scully with a look of volatile anger. "Fucking bitch!" she yelled at her and then went to look out the window. The Arlington squad car was double-parked in front of the building, and she watched as two officers got out of it and headed inside. "Shit, shit! Goddam you ya little cunt, now the police are here! Fuck!" She paced around the room, looking for a place to put her hostage. She eyed Scully and then eyed the wardrobe. Going to it, she pulled out all of the clothes that were hanging in it, and threw them onto the bed. Quickly as ever, she pulled a rag tightly around her head, removed the chain from the headboard and pulled Scully off of the bed. Jane kept one hand on Scully's arm, squeezing tightly and the other in her hair, pulling her head back and twisting it so that Scully cried out. This time, however, the cry was markedly stifled. "Would ya shut-up already? Jeez!" Jane whispered harshly. She shoved Scully into the wardrobe. Naturally, Scully fought her, until Jane put a grip around her neck, causing Scully to become lightheaded and consequently a little limp. Jane was then better able to get her into the piece of furniture and lock its door. She then ran and dialed Mulder. He picked up just in time, for she heard a pounding at the door. "Jane Harris? Ms. Harris, open up! Police!" "Just a second, please." "Listen, Jane, I'm really kind of busy right now, I'm really sorry. Would it be alright if I called you later on?" He obviously hadn't found the letter yet. Damn. "Oh, Mulder, please, please could you come over? Look outside your window, the police are here and they're at my door, I don't know what's going on, they're yelling for me to let them in and I don't know why..." she threw in a sharp breath, "Mulder, what do I do? Do I have to let them in?" "Alright, just stay where you are. I'll come over." xxxxxx "Damn! Dammit! Fucking shit!" Mulder grumbled a seemingly endless stream of obscenities as he stalked out of his apartment and across the street. He'd just tried to contact an old source and sometimes informant, only to find that the man's phone had been disconnected. He'd been about to rush back to the office and check in with the lab about the fingerprints he'd lifted from Scully's apartment when Jane had called. He'd been so anxious to leave he'd almost hung up on her. But then he'd remembered the way she'd waited by his phone last night for hours and hours. He supposed he owed her something for that. Scully would have told him to go and help her. She was his conscience. Too bad he only listened when she wasn't around. When he reached her apartment the door was open. There were two uniformed police officers standing in her living room and she was shaking her head and crying. It was a strange scene to say the least but Mulder was too distracted to really give it a moment's thought. "Um, is there some problem here?" One of the cops turned to him. "There was a disturbance reported here by one of the neighbors. Who are you?" Mulder flashed his badge and introduced himself and the cops exchanged a glance. "It seems like whatever problem there was it's been taken care of, guys. Why don't we leave the lady alone." He rocked back and forth on his heels anxiously, hoping that he could get out of here soon. "Uhh...yeah sure. I guess you can handle it." Mulder nodded and led the two men to the door. When they were gone he turned back to Jane. xxxxxx Mulder's voice. That's Mulder's voice. She couldn't make out the words, but she knew he was here. She grunted weakly. Then she tried a wail. Nothing. There was still talking. "Mulder, help me," she tried to scream through the gag. With what strength she had, she attempted to knock herself into the back of the wardrobe, hoping to effect some noise that way. With the first blow, she sucked in a hard breath. The pain in her arm intensified greatly and her eyes welled with tears. She cried. It hurt so much she thought she would vomit again, right where she was. Suddenly the talking became louder and she heard the door open. Thank God, he knew she was here. He was going to take her home. Thank God. She heard his voice more clearly now. She whimpered as much as she could, but they were making too much noise; Mulder and Jane and other men? Police, maybe? She thought she heard the clinking of handcuffs and a short-wave radio hissing on and off periodically. Her crying was not attracting their attention and she was squeezed in the piece of furniture so tightly that it made it impossible to even tap her foot with any sort of force. Frustrated, she cried some more. *Mulder, I'm here, can't you hear me? Don't you know I'm here?* She heard only Mulder and Jane speaking now. "Are you okay?" Mulder asked her. "Yes, yes I think so," Jane responded with phony tears in her voice. Then, "...much...so afraid...I don't know what I'd have done without you here...wonderful..." She heard Mulder mumbling something quietly again. She concentrated on the sound of his voice as though she believed it would be the last time she would ever hear it. *Mulder, I need you help. Please. I'm so sorry. Don't leave me here.* "Gotta go...call if you need...I need to go, Jane," Mulder said. And then Scully heard him no more. xxxxxx Tuesday, 9:45 p.m. Mulder's apartment Mulder staggered through his door and tossed his coat in the general direction of the coat wrack. He missed. Everything was so blurry. And moving. Inanimate objects shouldn't move like that. He rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe out the haze covering them but that only made things worse. He knew what he really needed was sleep. But that wasn't an option. God knew he'd been here enough times to know that. He had nothing. Absolutely nothing. No leads, no clues. It was as if she'd vanished without a trace. He knew there had to be something he was missing. Something his brain wasn't allowing him to see. Something he was too distracted to catch. If only he hadn't gone to her apartment that night. God only knew how different things might be. He asked himself again what in the world he had been thinking. Why had he done it? What kind of hormone- driven fit had he been in? Fucking psychotic moron sexually assaulting his partner in the middle of the night. What the hell was wrong with him? As he walked past the dinner table, busily berating himself, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. It was an envelope with his name written on it in big black letters. Someone had put it there. Someone with a key. He sat down at the table and took the envelope in his hands. They were shaking. His whole body was shaking. He ran his finger over the top of the envelope. It was about Scully. He knew that. He needed to open it right away but he was gripped with an inexplicable fear, panic almost. He didn't want to open it. As soon as he ripped open the seal and saw the plain white stationary, the neat, small handwriting, he understood. And he felt a wracking sob building from deep within his chest before he read a single word. Mulder, I hope that you can find it within you to forgive me for not delivering this message in person. I think you know as well as I do that if I were to speak with you face to face, you would find the words, the motions, to change my mind. You've always known how to manipulate me, so subtly that I could barely discern it, and this time I cannot afford to be swayed in that way. This time, my decision needs to be final, written in stone. After reading this first paragraph Mulder was struck by the realization that she had come here, to his apartment. She'd been in this room. And recently. How recently? Had he missed her by a matter of minutes? Without a second thought he jumped out of his seat and raced to the hallway. He looked around frantically and called out her name. The hall was deserted. His voice echoed against the walls. He ran to the elevator and pressed the down button. After fifteen seconds he decided that it was taking too long and bolted to the stairwell. He descended, taking two, three, four stairs at a time. His heart pounded violently in his chest. She had been here. She had been right fucking here. And he might be able to catch her. He didn't stop to consider for a moment what he would say to her if he did. Finally he hit the lobby of his building and upon entering the room, called out her name again. Again no one answered him. He moved out to the darkened street and stood on the sidewalk, scanning the area for her car, for her face. "Scully!" He was shouting now. People walked past him, some staring, most ignoring. He just looked like another lunatic roaming the streets of the city. After spanning the three or four mile circumference around his building he realized that she wasn't in the immediate vicinity and that he had no way of knowing what direction she'd headed in. He spotted the homeless man who slept in the alley next to his building and ran over to him. He was always there. Maybe he saw. Mulder threw a twenty dollar bill in the man's lap. "Wow, thanks..." "Did you see a woman?" "Yeah I've seen a bunch." "No, I mean recently. Like in the past few hours. A...a small woman, about this tall," He held his hand up to the middle of his chest, "red hair, chin length, real pretty face..." "That one who's always comin' over your place?" "Yes, yeah, that one." The man shook his head. "Haven't seen her today. Sorry." "Shit. Are you sure? Have you been here all day?" The man nodded and shrugged. Mulder looked around for someone else to ask but everyone on the street was walking from one place to another, in a hurry. No one looked like they'd been in this particular spot for very long. Maybe someone in his building had seen her. He started on the first floor, knocking on door after door, questioning his neighbors in an increasingly frantic way. He worked his way back to his own hall and by the time he reached his next door neighbor he was discouraged and frustrated enough to start crying in front of the old man. The guy actually asked him if he wanted to come in and talk about it. When all possibilities seemed to have been exhausted he returned to the apartment. To the letter. To what seemed to be his destiny. He grabbed the letter from the table and sank into the couch with it, preparing himself for words he knew were bound to destroy him. And then he read. part 5 Tuesday, 10:50pm Jane's apartment Scully gasped sharply and sat up straight in the bed. "Oh God, Mulder, no!" She had no idea why she'd said it. She knew only that she'd been struck with the overwhelming fear that Mulder was in danger, that he was going to get hurt. Her heart pounded as she tried to shake the feeling. Her breath quickened and she felt very sweaty. And suddenly terribly sad. She saw Mulder in his apartment. Not in front of her, but in her head, as in a waking dream. His apartment was absolutely trashed. Papers, broken glass, garbage, books carpeted the floor. The only piece of furniture that was not overturned was his couch where he sat. His body was hunched over and he held his head in his hands as he rocked himself back and forth. Then she saw him get up and lay his hands on his TV, as though he was going to pick it up. He then stepped back suddenly and drew his arm behind him, then brought it forcefully back and clear through the screen of the television set. He threw his head back in a pained scream and dropped to the floor. "Oh God, Mulder, no!" she yelled toward the window. "Mulder, no!" "I don't think he can hear you, darling." It was Jane, standing in the doorway, leaning into the door frame with a smirk on her face. "Jane, please...," she begged "Jane, please, Jane, please," she mocked her. "You know how sick to death I am of hearing that?" "Jane, please listen. I know how much you care about Mulder," Scully yelled weakly. "Now you need to go over to Mulder's and help him. I think he's just seriously injured himself." It seemed that caught Jane's attention for a brief moment at least. She was deciding whether or not to believe her. "Yeah, right. How the hell would you know? What are you, psychic or something? You can't see him from here!" Jane's words rang true to Scully better judgment. She had no way of knowing if it was a stress-induced hallucination or not. What she was more than sure of was the absolute feeling of desperation she had not for her own sake, but for Mulder's. All she cared about at the moment was knowing if Mulder was alright. Jane was her only hope. "I don't know how I know. I just have, I just have a feeling." She sighed deeply, not knowing quite where the words she spoke were coming from. "Look. Please. We need to stop him from hurting himself." Jane laughed wickedly. "'We' aren't going to do anything, Ms. Scully. You're just trying to trick me. Into what, I don't know, but if you think for a minute you can talk yourself out of this situation, you're crazy. Well, crazier than you already are acting." She stood at the foot of the bed and laughed at Scully, shaking her head. "My, we aren't very thick-skinned, are we? Doesn't take much to make you lose your mind does it?" She clicked her tongue loudly. "And Mulder says you're the strong one. Ha!" She moved over to Scully and leaned down. Taking Scully by surprise, Jane grabbed her by the hair and pulled. "Well, we're finding out the truth now, aren't we?" She laughed again as she slammed the bedroom door shut and then went to her garden. As she stood and admired the fruits of her labors, her curiosity got the better of her and she was desperate to see Mulder. Maybe he was busy, busy doing what she adored watching him do to himself. She felt herself become very warm upon the recollection as she looked with great anticipation through the camera. Her eyes lit up at what she saw. She ran and checked herself in the mirror. She looked stunning, of course. Two minutes to curtain, Ms. Harris, you'll be playing the part of the doctor tonight in Agent Scully's place. She smiled and giggled at the images of she and Mulder together which her brain was offering. "Perfect!" She exclaimed as she flew out of the bathroom. She was laughing almost uncontrollably. "This is too fucking PERFECT!!" She yelled excitedly. xxxxxx I suppose that by now you've noticed my absence, that you've spared no degree of time and expense in pursuit of me. I am writing this to free you of that burden. I am writing this to let you know that I do not want to be found. First of all I need to tell you that this decision is not based solely on our confrontation Friday night. This is not an impetuous move born out of the heat of the moment. While it's true that the events of that night created a certain sense of urgency, a need to escape this vicious, mutually destructive path we are on as soon as possible, the issues brought out were not new. The fact is that although we've spent these years supporting each other to a certain extent, I can no longer ignore the fact that we create more suffering in each other's lives than happiness. We've faced this impasse before. Last time my desire to part ways was motivated almost entirely by the need to protect you. I felt that my presence in your life was a hindrance, that I held you back from achieving your goals and that I was used as a tool by those who wished to harm you. These concerns have not dissipated. I realize that you think that you need me. I can imagine you now, as I write, shaking your head in protest as you read. But Mulder, your refusal to acknowledge my damaging influence, your ever growing dependence on me, only adds to the problem. And the problem is mine as well. This time I leave, not only for your protection but also for my own. I need to heed your words Mulder, to find a life of my own, to be a doctor while I still can, to flea before I am swallowed whole. I hope that you can understand this need and that you can let me go, and eventually forgive. I know that you are afraid, that you believe yourself unable to face the future on your own. That is part of the reason I need to go, so that you can learn your own strength. You have it in you to continue this journey and I need you to do just that. And I need you to stop looking for me Mulder. I need you to give me up, for both our sakes. If you try to find me you will fail and were you to succeed, nothing would be accomplished. I need you to give me my life back. I need you to let me be happy, to let yourself have some peace. I need you to hear me when I say good-bye, Mulder. Good-bye forever, Scully He sat on the couch for a long time, staring blankly at the words on the paper, not fully absorbing their meaning. He read it again. And again. And again. And slowly it began to sink in. It sank deeper and deeper, penetrating his mind, seeping into his soul, his heart, his blood. She was leaving him. Not leaving, she'd left. She'd already left. Not the bureau, not the X-files, but him. Forever. He stood on trembling legs and brought the letter to his desk, to read it under better light. Maybe he'd missed something. Maybe there was a word or a sentence he'd skipped by accident. He sat at the desk and read every single word. Written in stone. I do not want to be found. Mutually destructive path. Damaging influence. Head your words. Swallowed whole. Let me be happy. Good-bye. Good-bye. Good-bye. Forever. The words began to blur as tears clouded his vision. His hands trembled as he opened the top drawer of his desk, placed the letter there with a strange, gentle reverence. It was all he had of her. All he would ever have. He closed the drawer and stared blankly at his computer screen. His e-mail file was open and he saw the 15 messages he'd sent her in the past 24 hours staring back at him. Messages that would never get a response. For some reason this was the final straw, the thought that caused the reality of the situation to fully register. His hands twitched on the desk top. He bit his lower lip, trying to hold back the helpless wail he felt building. It didn't work. He let out a cry, similar to that of a wounded animal, and sent the contents of his desktop hurtling to the floor, including the computer. Unsatisfied with the level of release that provided he stood and moved to his coffee table, knocking it over and breaking a lamp in the process. It wasn't enough. It could never be enough. With a desperate abandon he began knocking over bookcases, end tables, lamps, chairs, dumping papers, dirty dishes. All souvenirs of another life. A life that was over now. He noticed his journals spread out on the floor. Words. His words. More useless stupid words that never got him anywhere. I want her so much. Thank God she didn't leave me. I hope she can forgive me. So beautiful. I love her. I need her. I want her. He ripped the pages angrily from one book after another, tearing them to shreds. Stupid, stupid thoughts. Pages and pages of pathetic, obsessive, dangerous thoughts. He moved onto his video collection. So many tapes. Almost one for every fucking day he'd spent imagining that he and Scully were the people on the screen. Sick thoughts. Sick wishes. Wishes that made her go away. He pulled the tapes out of their plastic cases, willing everything they represented in his life to disappear along with them. And chanting. "I'm sorry Scully. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry." Soon his entire apartment was trashed beyond recognition. And she was still gone. It hadn't brought her back and it hadn't given him any sort of satisfaction. He collapsed to his knees amidst the debris, in front of the television set. There was a woman on the screen, her mouth open in a mute cry as she writhed under the hands of a faceless man. Disgusting. Dirty disgusting foul pig. Of course she left. Who would stay? He wrapped his hand into a fist and sent it crashing through the screen. xxxxxx Jane knocked tentatively on Mulder's door, excited but slightly nervous. He'd seemed extremely unstable when she'd seen him through the window. That was likely to work in her advantage but she wasn't entirely sure what to expect. She heard a muffled groan in response to her knock. And then something that sounded like "Go away." She tried the handle and found the door unlocked. She moved into the apartment and shut the door behind her. He was still sitting on the floor like a blubbering fool. He was staring at the shattered screen of the television set, seemingly oblivious to the tattered, bloody remains of his arm. It looked like he was kneeling in glass too. "Mulder?" She spoke softly. He looked up and she saw that he had some cuts and scrapes on his face as well. And that there were tears streaming down his cheeks. "Huh?" He looked at her like he'd never seen her before in his life. "Mulder what happened? Are you alright?" She rushed to his side and sat down in the debris with him. He shook his head no and continued staring at the television. "Left me...she...she left..." Perfect. Absolutely perfect. He'd finally noticed the letter. And bought it hook, line and sinker. "Oh Mulder, I'm so sorry." She reached out and stroked his hair gently. As sick as it made her to see him in such despair over that stupid witch, she had to admit there was something incredibly sexy about him this way. "She...she left....she...I can't find her..." No you can't. And you never will. He'd finally given up. Thank God. She crawled around to sit in front of him, between his knees. She took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. His eyes were unfocused but he seemed to recognize that she was actually there for the first time. "Jane?" "Yes Mulder. It's me. I'm here." She ran her thumb down his cheek, wiping away his tears. "She left." He said it as if he were telling her something she didn't already know. As if he hadn't been babbling about it since she'd come in. "I know Mulder. I'm sorry. I...I don't understand..." "She left." "I know but...but why? I mean..." She looked deep into his eyes and whispered, "how?" "She left." She felt a twitch of annoyance. He was fucking incoherent. He was never going to appreciate her being here and taking care of him if she couldn't even communicate with him. And then he seemed to wobble for a second on his knees. He looked like he was about to fall over. And he grabbed her shoulders. He grabbed her. He was touching her! Squeezing her so tight, she felt like she would burst from it. "I don't understand how she could. How anyone could leave you. Mulder, any woman would be thrilled to have you. Lucky." "She left." Dammit! Her words were going completely over his head. She needed something more drastic. She needed to stop hinting and let him know that she was there for him in every conceivable way. She needed to snap him the fuck out of this. "Mulder, she was wrong to leave. If she was foolish enough to leave you, she doesn't deserve you at all. You need someone who understands and accepts you. Someone who can take care of you." "She..." he drifted off and looked at her curiously. "What?" His lips parted in confusion. Beautiful, sexy confusion. Or was it something else? An invitation perhaps? Acknowledgment that she spoke the truth? That he finally understood what she could give him. Either way, she'd gotten something through. He was there. Kind of. She weighed her options briefly. It was time. The way he was looking at her, the way his lips were open and moist, he was waiting for her. He wanted her to help him, to take away the pain and give him a real life, a real woman. This was the moment. There was no need to wait anymore. He was ready for her and God knew she was ready for him. His skin was cold under her hand but his breath was warm on her face. He was so beautiful, even now. God, it was time already. She leaned in and placed her lips gently over his. xxxxxx When she heard her squeals of delight, Scully was certain that Jane had seen what she had just imagined. She was both relieved and frightened that Jane had gone over to Mulder's. She turned and attempted to get more comfortable in the bed. She was so weak, she felt sick. Dizzy. Tired. And her bladder was killing her. She knew it wasn't doing her a bit of good lying there with the urge, but she had been so terrified to even get out of the bed as long as she knew Jane was around. Jane had proven herself to be so absolutely unpredictable and incredibly maniacal that Scully never knew what to expect from her. One minute she seemed sane, the next she was terrifying. Either way, she was scared to death to even breathe wrong. She was going crazy. Jane wasn't joking. Jane had been thoughtful enough to allow the chain she was on reach to the adjoining bathroom, which was nice save the fact that Scully couldn't help feeling like some kind of pet animal, allowed only a few feet of freedom in which to lie down in and to relieve itself. Scully stood up from the toilet and used the arm that wasn't hurting to pull her pants up again. She had to hang on to the counter suddenly to keep from toppling over. Then she grabbed her arm. Her unbroken arm. Pain shot through it, sending a throbbing up to her shoulder and out through her fingertips. She squeezed her eyes shut and slid down the vanity to the floor. "Ahhh-" she gasped and cried. It felt like someone had taken a scissors to her arm cutting her in a hundred different places at the same time. The pain was unbearable. She knelt over the toilet, feeling so nauseous from it. The dizziness overtook her again and she sat back on the floor. *Mulder, hear me, please. Mulder, don't do this,* she willed with all her might until her all went dark on her again. xxxxxx It took Mulder several minutes to comprehend what was happening. He sat on his knees with his eyes open, completely motionless, as Jane kissed him. He felt hands stroking his face, lips moving on his mouth, a body in front of him, moving ever closer. But the whole thing seemed far away, as if it were happening to someone else. It was so out of place, so unexpected, that it didn't even register in his mind. His mind was in another place. His mind was in a dark, empty place where she left me was the only thought, the only reality. Then he felt her hands, running over his body in a totally invasive way and he pulled back. She was touching him. Why was she touching him? How long had she been touching him? He felt strangely violated. And he couldn't help but wonder if this is how he'd made Scully feel. Coming to her apartment uninvited in the middle of the night, kissing her, touching her, making aggressive, unwanted advances. It must have been. God, it must have been. Except that this woman was practically a stranger. His cleaning lady, for God's sake. He had done this to the woman who was supposed to be his friend. His best friend. His only friend. The woman he'd isolated and alienated from the rest of the world so that he was her only friend as well. He was starting to understand fully the depths of his betrayal. And honestly, Jane was a woman, he was a man. He could stop this easily. He could overpower her in a second. Scully hadn't had that advantage. He was so much bigger than her. As strong and brave as she was, he towered over her. He knew he could overpower her if he was ever so inclined. Not that he would ever try but the knowledge was there and he was sure she knew it too. She must have been at least a little scared. Intimidated. By him. His Scully. He'd scared her and violated her and come damn close to raping her. He knew he wouldn't have gone that far, that as soon as he knew that she was unhappy with what he was doing he had stopped. But she hadn't known that. Not really. For all she knew, he could have kept going. God knew it took long enough for him to realize that she was angry and not aroused. What if he'd been a little bit more drunk? What if he'd never noticed at all? *God Scully, I'm so sorry. If you'd come back to me I'd make it all up to you. Please come back. Can't you see what I am without you?* He wondered if he thought hard enough, would she hear? *Mulder, hear me....* Her voice, distant and tinny, as if she were speaking through a metal can, echoed in his mind. It was quiet but it was there. He felt it. Then he looked down at his arm and realized he was probably going into shock, hallucinating. And he also realized that Jane was still there and that she was still fondling and kissing him. He jerked back from her lips. "Jane what...what are you doing?" He noticed that she was breathing heavily. That her skin was flushed. She was turned on. She wanted him. SHE fucking wanted him. The irony was painful and funny and pathetic. She seemed not to have heard him at all. Her hands were still all over him, moving over his chest, slowly downward, starting to unbutton his shirt. She started moving her mouth over his neck, licking and sucking him. She lifted his uninjured arm and placed it on her side, almost on her breast. She was moaning and sighing and grinding against him. She wasn't stopping, wasn't listening to him. Didn't she feel him moving away? Didn't she fucking hear him? "Jane. What are you doing?" He said it louder and more forcefully this time. She pulled back a bit and looked at him with a confused frown. "I thought that...that I...that we..." God how truly sad. What a completely and totally sad pair they made. He wondered if anyone ever got the person they wanted. If love was the cruelest enemy he'd ever faced. "Jane, you should go home now." "But...I..." He saw tears beginning to form in her eyes. He wished he could feel some sympathy at least. Something human. But he was empty. There was nothing left inside. "You need to go." "Mulder, I don't want to go now. We should at least talk..." "Jane please, go." Why wasn't she listening to him? What the fuck did he have to do to get through to this woman? To get her out of his apartment so that he could mourn his life in private. "Mulder at least let me look at your arm. You need a doctor." She reached over and touched his blood soaked limb. A doctor. Yeah he needed a fucking doctor alright. But only one doctor. His doctor. What the fuck was she doing? Trying to be his doctor, to take care of him, to fill her place. He jerked back from her and tried to stand. Everything spun on its axis and he felt like he was going to throw up. He staggered backwards and hit the floor on his ass. "Jane get out of here." "Mulder please, let me take you to the hospital. Or at least let me clean and dress that for you." "Get. The fuck. OUT!" It took all the energy he had to shout the last word. He was starting to see white spots. By the time she walked out the door he was unconscious. xxxxxx "SHIT! God..." she picked up a lamp and contemplated throwing it, "DAMMIT!" She threw herself on the couch and cried a little. Why can't I do this? I've done it before. It was so easy those other times. Jane had seen Mulder as a real challenge and worth the work because she felt so strongly about him. He was tall and beautiful and strong and he smelled so good. He was smart, not like the others, they were smart and successful and rich too, but they didn't share any of that with her. After a while she realized she had become just a mistress with a paycheck. She wanted more. She wanted love. Mulder seemed to really care about her, about her problems and her feelings. So maybe he could be a person that would love her. But why the hell couldn't Mulder just forget about her? Jane's earlier tears had dried up completely now and she paced the living room, getting more and more enraged. She should be taught a lesson. She needed to be taught one. Mulder didn't belong to her, she didn't even deserve Mulder! People like that deserved nothing and Jane needed to be the one to show pretty little Dana what life is all about. That she wasn't always the best, the prettiest, the most wanted. She ran over to the room where she was keeping Scully and threw the door open. Gone. She was gone. "Oh, fuck!" she whispered to herself and felt her heart beating in her larynx. Where the hell could she have gone? She ran over to the bathroom. On the floor, Miss Priss lay, asleep, far from peacefully, however. Her breath was shallow and was moaning, calling Mulder's name. Of course. Well, sorry, sweetheart, Mulder's not going to save you this time. He's not going to save you because you don't deserve him. "You can't even take a piss on your own, why the hell would does he even want you?" She pulled Scully up roughly. "What?" Scully said groggily. "What are you-ahh! Oh, God Jane, my arm, my arm." "What I'm saying is," she grunted and threw Scully onto the bed. "From now on you're gonna go when I say you can." She wrapped some rope around Scully's wrists and pulled. "You're gonna eat when I say." She attached the rope to the bed frame. "And you'll drink when I say you can." She repeated the same with her feet. Scully hardly heard what Jane had said to her through her worry for Mulder. "What happened, Jane? What happened to Mulder? Did you take him to a hospital?" She paused and coughed, catching her breath. "Please, just tell me he's okay," she begged her. "I don't know if he is or not," was all she answered. "What?" Forgetting her pain for an instant, she shot up as far as her restraints would allow. "What do you mean you don't know?" "I mean I don't know how he is because he fucking kicked me out of his apartment, godammit!" Jane herself was just as tense and upset and her chest was rising and falling at a rapid meter. "What happened?" Scully demanded through tears. "He put his arm through his television screen, the fucking bastard. It's all your fault, too, you know. He wouldn't even," Jane stopped and started to cry. "He would even let me clean off the wound." Scully's heart pounded to hear Jane recount the very vision she'd experienced. "You mean to tell me you just left him there in that condition? Are you crazy? He could die from loss of blood, he could have severed an artery, he's probably in shock!" She was screaming as loudly as she could now. "SHUT-UP!" Jane shrieked. "Just shut-up! I can't think when you yell like that! I can't think!" Scully saw Jane's eyes were full of tears as she leaned her knee into Scully's chest and pinned her down on the bed. Scully began to choke from the pressure and just when she thought she couldn't stand anymore pain, Jane brought her hands around Scully's neck, squeezing and squeezing. Just at the moment she thought she might pass out, Jane let go and flew out of the room. part 6 He was holding her. Thank God. He was holding her again. He was wrapped tight around her, spooning her from behind. Skin against skin, so close she felt like a part of him. They were in a large bed with white sheets and puffy pillows. There were plants everywhere. "Scully", he sighed into her neck and squeezed her impossibly tighter. "Scully this is so good. I've wanted this for so long." She was silent but he knew, just knew that she felt the same. "So good. It's so good." He kept whispering against her neck over and over. He couldn't think of anything else. He moved his hand up to cup her breast and pressed himself harder against her. The warm, soft skin of her backside provided a perfect cradle for his burning erection. So perfect. It was all so perfect. He heard water splashing around and looked over her shoulder. There was a fountain in front of her in the shape of a lion. Water flowed from its mouth and ran in puddles over the hard wood floor. He watched the water, for a moment entranced. She shuddered in his arms and made a strange stifled sound. He couldn't tell if it was pleasure or pain. Panic gripped him and he realized he was doing it again. She didn't want him. He had been totally wrong. Why did he keep making the same stupid mistake? Then he saw the water turn from a clear, bubbling pool to a crimson sea. Blood was running from the side of the bed into the water. "Scully? What is it? What's happening?" She turned in his arms. Her face was completely disfigured, burned almost beyond recognition. Except for her eyes. He recognized her eyes. And they were full of terror. "Mulder, take me home. I want to go home." Mulder jerked awake. He was terrified for a moment and then relieved when he realized it had only been a dream and not reality. And then horrified when he realized what reality was. All he was aware of for a moment was the pain. Shooting, unbearable pain in his entire arm and shoulder. He felt nauseous and confused. He tried to sit up and realized he was lying in glass, that it was cutting into his back and legs. He stood up and swayed on his feet. He looked around the room and vague memories of the night before came to him. He looked down at his arm. It was covered in drying, crusty blood. It was already getting infected. He realized that he was lucky to have lived through the night. Of course lucky was all a matter of perspective. At this point he might as well be dead. She left. That was no nightmare. That was his reality. But for some reason, no matter how he tried to convince himself of this fact, to remind himself of the truth of his situation, it just wouldn't sit. Something didn't seem right about it in the light of day. Something about that dream...it had been so vivid. He'd felt it so intensely. He touched his face to check for scars. There was nothing there. Pain shot through his arm in an even more intense bolt and he thought he would faint from it. He needed to take care of it. He needed to clean and dress it and start thinking. Really thinking, not just reacting from visceral fear. As he was heading to the bathroom to do just that, he heard his telephone ringing. Unfortunately he had no idea where it was. He scanned the damage and eventually spotted it peaking out from under his frying pan. The state of disarray his place was in was almost laughable. "Yeah?" He answered, somewhat annoyed by the interruption. God knew there wasn't a soul alive he wanted to talk to at the moment. Not one who was likely to be calling anyway. "Mister Mulder?" "Yeah." "Hi. This is Charles Scully, Dana's brother." Oh God. Oh no. He hadn't even thought about her family. Hadn't even considered what telling them about the letter was going to be like. The letter. God, the letter. He sat at the desk and pulled the hateful thing from the drawer he'd placed it in. He was struck by the strange need to read it yet again. It was next to the one picture he had of her. It was a shot he'd snapped on a stakeout as she'd slept. Yet another violation. But he hadn't been able to resist. He ran his finger down the image of her face. Thank God he hadn't shredded it in his fit last night. "Um, hi." "I was just wondering if you'd gotten any leads about Dana." "Ugh..." He didn't want to do this over the telephone. He didn't want to do it at all. He glanced at the letter as he hesitated. One word jumped out at him. Manipulate. You've always been able to manipulate me. Manipulate... "I was wondering because...well, actually I was wondering if maybe we could meet to talk about this. I'm on leave for the next month and I'm gonna be staying here in DC. I was kind of wondering if I could do anything to help?" Manipulate. Manipulate. Something about that was just...wrong. He looked at the picture of her sweet angelic face, trying to imagine the words coming from her mouth, her mind. "Mister Mulder?" "Huh?" "I was asking you if we could meet somewhere, if we could talk about this..." "Oh, oh yeah." Scully's brother wanted to meet him. A sudden vision popped into his brain of being shot in the head by the other man. He hadn't had much luck with the other Scully brother and this situation was bound to foster animosity. But still, her family needed to know what he knew as soon as possible. Or what he might know. Things were suddenly starting to seem much less certain. "Yeah sure. Did you want to do that today?" "Today would be great. Say an hour?" Mulder looked down at his arm again. It was going to take a lot of work. "Give me two." xxxxxx The room was very, very quiet. Scully thought she had fallen asleep after Jane's little fit, but she couldn't be absolutely sure. She couldn't be sure about anything anymore. She looked around the room for the millionth time for a clock and again did not find one. It was dark outside, and she had no idea what time it was or what day. Two days or an entire month could have passed since she'd seen her own house, but she had no way of figuring out which. She tried to recount the events which had occurred since Jane had taken her away, hoping that it would give her some semblance of a time frame. Did she write that letter last night? But then when was it that she was shoved into the wardrobe? And when was it that she'd brought her those stale triscuits? Was that before or after the letter? When had Jane brought her water last? How many days had passed since she'd heard Mulder's voice in the apartment? Or had that been in her head, too? The concentration this feat was taking began to make her nauseous and she had to close her eyes. "Ahh...!" She cried suddenly, feeling that shooting pain in her arm again. She then realized that her body still had not ceased shaking. She was sweaty and freezing and frightened. The door flew open and Scully jumped, her eyes wide when she saw Jane. And the knife Jane was holding. Oh my God, what was she going to do to her? Scully saw the madness in Jane's look and shook her head. "No," she said to her. But Jane nodded slowly and smiled menacingly at her. "Yes," she said back and pinned Scully flat to the bed again with one knee. Then she drew the knife down quickly toward Scully's face. Scully choked once and held her breath. Jane had stopped, just short of her face. She opened her eyes. Jane was hunched over her still, laughing quietly through her nose at her. "Scared ya, didn't I?" Scully let out the breath she'd been holding. That's when she felt it. The knife poking into her skin at the temple. Jane's voice seemed more amplified than ever. "We're just going to make a few minor adjustments." "Ahhh!" Scully cried when she felt Jane run the blade down her cheek. "Oooh, that's pretty. Pretty little scar down your pretty..." she moved the knife to her other cheek, "little face." "Stop," Scully tried to scream, but it came out like a whisper. "Uh-huh, we're not done here yet." Scully felt another scrape along her face and then another. Her face burned as tears rolled into the scars. She held her breath again and winced with every new gash. She kept her eyes shut and tried desperately to will Jane away. "Oh, goodness, we're not so pretty anymore, are we? What have I done? Little scars all over. I don't think you'll be able to call it flawless anymore, that goddam perfect complexion, huh? Don't think they're the kind of scars that will heal, either, but," she stopped and viewed Scully. She seemed to be considering something. Jane rose from the bed and Scully let out a huge breath. Slowly she let her body relax again, but not completely. She just laid there and waited for Jane to return. It was inevitable that she would and all Scully could do was be prepared for it. She could feel the blood dripping down her face. It felt like a fiery liquid, searing the scars Jane had given her in place, altering her appearance forever. 'Scully, you're so beautiful.' She started to whimper. 'Your face, Scully, it's perfect. Flawless. I love it.' Not anymore Mulder. Not anymore. She's taking it away. She's taken it away from me. From you. I'm sorry Mulder. I'm so, so sorry. Out of nowhere, Jane appeared before her again. "Let's make sure this takes," she said before splashing some sort of liquid in her face. It felt cool at first. Water? She prayed it was so. Then it started to burn. She was terrified to open her eyes. She tried to recognize the smell, but all she smelled was her sweat and blood. What had it been? "It's hydrofluoric acid in case you're wondering. Stings like hell, huh?" It did sting. Everywhere. She was afraid to open her mouth, for fear it spilled into her mouth and burn her throat. She wanted to touch her face, bring it some kind of relief. She wiped her face on the pillow she lay on. Oh God, what if she was wiping her skin right off? "Doesn't sting as much as being rejected, though," Jane had Scully by the hair and was screaming in her ear. "But you wouldn't have ANY idea about that would you. Little miss perfect has always had it best. Everybody loved pretty little Dana, didn't they? Well, you're gonna find out; you're gonna find out when they look at you and see the monstrosity you've become." She broke off with a laugh. A full bellied, wicked laugh that seemed to ring through the whole apartment. Oh, Mulder, I want to go home. Please come and take me home. xxxxxx Scully felt warm and comfortable. There was a gentle, soft pressure near her ear. She smiled as a tingling sensation flooded her body. She heard a voice, speaking low into her hear, "Mmmm...do you know how long I've wanted to do this?" It was Mulder. He had his arms wrapped around her waist and was pressing her down into the bed. She felt such relief. She felt no pains anymore. Me, too, me, too, Mulder, she spoke, but in her head rather than out loud. She tried to say it again. And again. She was opening her mouth, but couldn't manage to make any sounds. She remembered she needed to tell him something about her, something she needed him to do for her. What was it? She was supposed to be gone from this place, needed to be gone, but never wanted to give up this feeling she had right at this moment. Mulder, hold me, hold me, she tried to speak again, but still no words came. He spoke again, "So, so long," then moved his lips down her neck. "So good," he was whispering over and over. "Just wonderful." "Mulder," she finally spoke to him. "I want this, too, but," she was afraid to say anymore, she didn't want him to get startled and have him leave. "But you need to take me away first. Help me, Mulder. Save me, Mulder." He said nothing in response to her pleas, as though he'd been unaware she'd even spoken to him. He moved his hands to her breasts, which she realized now were naked, as was the rest of her body. Mulder, who was fully clothed, continued his assault on her body. Scully felt herself burning up and a familiar ache calling to her from below, the ache that made her cry herself to sleep many nights with wanting resolution. Wanting him. Wanting completion. Acknowledgment. She had a sudden flash of courage. "Mulder, I love you, love you so much," she said with a teary voice. "I love you too, Jane." Scully was struck awake, looking for Mulder. Remembering where she was and then remembering her dream, she cried. She felt like she'd been asleep for days and it very well may have been. Where the hell was he? Had he really believed that stupid, stupid letter? Was he going on with his life, having months ago given up on finding her? Had Jane accomplished what she'd set out to do? She felt the scars on her face, dried up with scabbing and blood. It was numb and itched like hell, but she was afraid to even rub her face on the pillow anymore. She tried to imagine what she looked like based upon how her face felt. She'd seen burn victims before, autopsied them, performed emergency surgeries on them. Red and blistery, perhaps bubbled skin from whatever acidic base or heat they'd been exposed to. She heard the words of the reconstructive surgeons: "I will do what I can but there's really nothing I'll be able to do to restore their faces even remotely close to the way they looked before." That was always a sad, unfortunate thing to hear, but somehow she was able to distance herself, telling herself that the way that person looked didn't really matter to those in his life who cared about him and that he would manage to carry on, a stronger man for the ordeal. They weren't her, though, those people she'd seen. How was she going to be able to face Mulder like this, anyhow? It would be just as well for his sake that she died here like this. If he found her alive, she'd be nothing. She didn't want Mulder to ever see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She turned and watched the fountain through the window to the garden. It seemed so much bigger now. The water ran down, continuous, giving an aspect of life to the inanimate object. She watched it, trying to take her mind away from her pain, from her worries. She could hardly believe such a beautiful scene, full of life, coexisted in the same place where she hers was being slowly depleted. You made me a whole person. Oh God, Mulder, I can't anymore. I can't. I'm so sorry. She'd wanted to tell him that night. Tell him that he meant everything in the world to her, too. Finally say it. Finally say that she loved him. Too late. She'd waited too long. Watching the water, she realized her mouth was so very dry. She coughed, and every muscle and bone in her body screamed at her. She needed food, needed water. She prayed that Jane would return soon, despite the horrors she'd just inflicted upon her. Jane was both her terrifying captor and last chance at survival. Her only hope to see Mulder again, to be able to tell him how terribly sorry she was. xxxxxx Wednesday, 1:40 p.m. Charlie surveyed the smoky bar anxiously. He knew what Mulder looked like but in the dark all these men in their suits looked pretty much the same to him. He sat at a booth near the door, satisfied that he wasn't here yet and ordered himself a beer. He was a little nervous about this whole meeting thing even though he'd been the one to arrange it. What he really wanted was for Mulder to let him help. He wanted in on the whole thing. It seemed so insane to him, the way his entire family relinquished control to this man, just let him take over the entire situation and not even offer to help, and then to prattle on endlessly about how he was so horrible for Dana, how he was always getting her into danger and leaving her in the lurch. He couldn't understand their willingness to sit back and let things unfold in this way without doing a damn thing about it. He remembered the letters Dana had written him when she was ill. She'd told him about Bill and mom telling Mulder not to try putting that chip or whatever it was into her neck but not offering any other solutions. Just fucking letting her die without even trying something that might work. It had angered him beyond belief and he'd started to seriously consider resigning, if only to be closer to his sister. God knew she wasn't getting the support she needed from the rest of the family. Now she was missing and once again, it seemed they were all sitting on their asses waiting for the shit to hit the fan and whining about Mulder. He heard the door creak shut behind him and turned around. It was Mulder. Boy, was it ever. He was still in the same clothes Charlie had seen him in 2 nights ago at Dana's apartment. His grey T-shirt was stained with something that looked a hell of a lot like blood and his arm was wrapped in gauze bandage from his wrist to his elbow. His hair was greasy and disheveled and it looked like he hadn't shaved in days. Mulder spotted him and walked over to the table. Charlie stood up and held out his hand to shake. Mulder looked almost shocked at the gesture but he reciprocated. They sat down across from each other and Charlie was struck by the wild look in the other man's eyes. He looked like an escapee from a mental institution. "Mister Mulder, I wanted to meet with you because..." "Just Mulder's fine. Mister Mulder was my father." Charlie nodded in understanding. He was never Mister Scully. "Mulder, I wanted to know what I could do to help you find my sister. I...I need to do something." "Um...yeah, you mentioned that on the phone..." He looked away from Charlie and down to his lap. He seemed extremely nervous and on edge. "See, the thing is, I don't really know if that's such a great idea." "Excuse me?" Charlie couldn't believe this. Was everyone in the world insane? First his fucking family and now Mulder. All he wanted to do was find his sister. "I just...I know you're worried and all..." "Damn right I'm worried. And I'm not willing to sit around and wait for her to turn up dead. I'm gonna look for her whether you want my help or not." After all the crap this guy had been through with his own sister, how could he not get this? "I...I know how you feel. Believe me. I just don't know...I mean, I'm not completely sure if she wants to be found." He was still avoiding looking directly at Charlie and it was starting to become obvious that there was something he wasn't sharing. "What does that mean? Why would you say something like that?" Mulder bit down on his lower lip and looked for all the world like he was about to cry. Charlie felt bad for him despite his suspicion. God knows he would be a mess if Rena just disappeared without a trace. He didn't know what the hell he would do. "Mulder, what do you mean?" He reached into his jeans pocket and took out a folded up piece of paper. He shoved it across the table with a frown. "I got this yesterday." Charlie unfolded the paper expecting a ransom note or some kind of evidence. His eyes widened when he saw his sister's handwriting. He read the words as Mulder squirmed uncomfortably across from him. When he was done he looked at the man in disbelief. "Mulder..." "I'm sorry...I didn't..." "Mulder stop. My sister did not write this." part 7 With every sound Scully heard, she jumped. She tried to just keep awake so that Jane didn't come in and surprise her. This constantly being on edge was only adding to her severe exhaustion and that tension only added to the cramping in her every muscle. She heard the front door open and slam shut. Her heart rate increased and her body stiffened. Her mind for a moment gave her the false hope that it was finally Mulder, coming to take her away. To keep her safe. She was ready for that now, to relinquish to him what he'd always wanted to do for her and the very thing she'd always fought. She needed that now and now her only hope to live was in a crazed lunatic. She had no control herself anymore. She had no power to save herself. Several minutes passed, however and he never did come through the door. She closed her eyes and swallowed down yet more tears. Her throat was sore now and her mouth still very dry. Inhaling, she smelled something familiar. Food of some kind. Chow mein noodles, she swore it was. Like from that place down the street she and Mulder always ordered from. Chicken with garlic and pepper sauce that Mulder always picked all of the chicken out of first before letting her have the carton. It made Scully's heart light to think of those moments and remember the pseudo innocent look on Mulder's face, insisting that he'd only taken a few pieces. Her mouth watered. The garlic aroma seemed more deliciously pungent than she'd ever smelled. God, she was hungry. The door was thrown open. Scully jerked and her eyes were opened as wide as possible to view Jane in the threshold, taking a fork full of noodles and stuffing it into her mouth. Scully swallowed hard again. At least she wasn't holding a knife. "Mmmmm..." Jane said as she chewed. "This is fantastic." She moved over to the bed and sat in the chair next to it. "Been a long time since you've eaten, hasn't it, Scully?" She took another bite. "And it's probably been even longer since you've tasted something as good as this. I suppose the princess would like some dinner, wouldn't she?" Scully shook her head just as her stomach growled. She was hungry, but she wasn't about to beg for food. "Not hungry, huh?" Jane laughed when she heard the rumbling in Scully's stomach. She got up and passed the carton under Scully's nose. "Are you sure?" Scully realized she was panting now. She didn't think she'd ever been so desperate for food in her life. "Well," Jane said. "I guess I could afford you some of this." Relief spilt over her and her body eagerly awaited the sustenance. Except that Jane left the room. "Where are you going?" Scully asked frantically but Jane said nothing. She saw Jane in the garden, hunched over one of the sections of plants. Scully let out the breath she'd been holding and felt tears drip down her scarred face. Jane had tricked her again, viciously . But then Jane came through the door. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she dipped the fork into the carton. "Want some, Scully?" Scully only looked at Jane, trying to read the woman's face. "I asked you a question, bitch! Do you want some of this food or not? Cause if you don't answer me, I'm leaving right now and you won't ever fucking eat again!" So Scully nodded. "What? I didn't hear you? What do you want, Your Highness?" Fearing that if she didn't say anything, Jane would leave, she begged, "Please. I want some food." "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Despite Jane's concession to feed her, Scully felt terribly debased having to submit to Jane in this manner. She was like an invalid, unable to even feed herself anymore. But she wanted to live, at least long enough to tell Mulder how sorry she was, even if she had to rely on Jane for her survival. "Open wide," Jane said with a sinister chuckle and spooned a bite into Scully's mouth. For an instant, again Scully felt a relief to have food in her mouth finally. She practically swallowed it down, like a ravished animal. She even got a piece of chicken with it all. Or maybe it was a vegetable. She bit down and it crunched between her molars. The texture was odd, odder than any vegetable she'd ever eaten. It was such a strange feeling on the roof of her mouth and her tongue as she rolled the piece of food around in her mouth. She then became aware of Jane's insidious, uncontrolled laughter. Fearing Jane was going to snap on her again, she swallowed the vegetable down. Jane was holding her stomach from her laughter. "Taste good?" She said and burst out again, shaking so much it was difficult for Scully to take the next bite. Mostly vegetables this time with a few short pieces of noodles. They didn't taste like she'd remembered. Perhaps that was because she was so desperately hungry, her taste buds weren't registering anything anymore. The food just felt so odd in her mouth. Jane was still watching her, her head leaned in toward her as though she were waiting for Scully to give her a critique of the food. She smiled and continued to laugh through her nose. "What? What?" Jane said nothing but gave her yet another bite. Scully took it gratefully and as she ate, Jane showed her the inside of the carton. Amongst the noodles and green snopeas there was something dark. And moving. Crawling. Bugs. Huge cockroach-looking bugs along with several small slimy, worm-like maggots crawling in and among the white noodles. Just as she could feel them inside her mouth. Scully felt her stomach churn, wishing to rid itself of everything she'd just desperately consumed. She immediately leaned over the side of the bed and spit out what she had in her mouth. When she was satisfied every one of the disgusting creatures were expelled, she felt a tinge of regret, knowing it probably would be her only hope for any kind of sustenance. "They live one of my exotics out there. Yeah, the little ones are the babies and then they grow and get shells like the big ones. See?" Jane shoved the carton closer to Scully and one of the creatures crawled out onto her and disappeared into the bed. Jane laughed again. "Still hungry?" She could swear right now she felt them crawling around inside her stomach, trying to avoid the enzymes that threatened to break them down for digestion. If she had enzymes that could do that to these bugs. And if the bugs weren't some kind of exotic poisonous variety. All of the thoughts were making her terribly sick and her body threatened to expel all of what would probably be her only sustenance for a long time. Who knew when Jane would decide to feed her again. A different sort of panic washed over her now, though. If Jane was doing all of these horrible things to her, what was she doing to Mulder? xxxxxx Charlie was at a complete loss as to how anyone could believe that his sister had written this letter. Especially Mulder, someone who supposedly knew her so well. Of course, Dana had mentioned that, despite his arrogance and somewhat smug attitude, Mulder was a deeply insecure person. Someone was obviously using that to their advantage. Not to mention the fact that thinking she had left him was probably less upsetting than thinking she was hurt or in danger. But he needed to pull his head out of the sand right now. Before it was too late. "Mulder, this isn't Dana." "What do you mean it isn't Dana? It sure as hell sounds like her." "The words do yes, but not the feeling behind them." Mulder's jaw tightened and Charlie saw a flash of anger in his eyes. "Look, I think I know a little more about this than you do." He hesitated briefly and then added, "You didn't...you didn't hear the fight we had." "No, I didn't, but you didn't read the letters she sent to me about you. And you didn't grow up with her, either. You didn't see her fighting to keep our family together even when things were at their worst and even she was completely miserable. I might not have been around much for the past few years but I know my sister and I know that she does not just walk away from the people she cares about no matter how tough things get." Mulder was silent for a moment and Charlie thought that maybe he had gotten something through to him. "She wrote you letters about me?" Good God. This guy really had no clue. He sounded positively flabbergasted. "Well yeah. Of course she did." "What...what did she say?" He sounded so desperate. Charlie was tempted to tell him absolutely every wonderful thing his sister had ever said about him. "She said lots of things. I mean it's been five years right? But the basic thing is that she's crazy about you. I mean, that doesn't even really begin to describe it. She's told me about a lot of what the two of you have been through together but through it all the one thing that constantly comes across to me is that you are like, her whole universe. She loves you. A lot. Completely and unconditionally. And even when things seem to have been really difficult for you guys, that's never changed." Charlie watched as the corners of Mulder's mouth twitched. He was aching to smile, to believe this. But then, as soon as that hope appeared, it vanished. And was replaced by fear. And then anger again. And finally resignation. "Even if that's true, I gave her plenty of reasons to leave." He didn't get it. My God he still didn't get it. "Mulder, do you know why I haven't been around, like at all? Do you know why you've never met me?" Mulder shook his head. "Because I can't deal with my family. I love them, but I can't be with them. Except for Dana, that is. My mother is a nag, my brother is as big of a control freak as my father was and I can't stand being around them. That's me. That's the kind of person I am." Mulder looked vaguely shocked by this personal revelation. Something was registering, finally. "That's me. That's not Dana. They drive her nuts too, ya know. Always have. But she would never just cut those ties. I mean, you have no idea how many times I tried to run away from home when I was younger. She stopped me every time. She'd tell me it's family and you don't give up on them no matter what." Mulder shook his head, obviously growing frustrated with this reminiscence. "That's real sweet. But that's different. That's family. It's not the same situation." "Mulder, you ARE her family now. Don't you get that?" Mulder looked blankly at him for several minutes and Charlie felt an overwhelming desire to slap the man silly. How could anyone be so thick-headed? Mulder swallowed and looked Charlie in the eye for the first time. So much pain was swimming in his eyes. Charlie had never seen such pain. "So you really don't think she wrote this." "No. No, I don't." Mulder sighed and leaned back into his seat. He was silent for several minutes. Charlie wondered if he should tell him more. If he should be trying even harder to convince him. After awhile he grew so uncomfortable with the silence he was ready to tell Mulder his sister's entire life story. "Mulder..." "Neither do I." Charlie let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Thank God. Thank fucking God. "I almost did. I did last night. But...you're right. It's not her. It's just...not." He looked terribly sad at having decided this. And frightened. "It's her handwriting. I mean, I'm going to take it to the bureau's handwriting experts just to make sure but I'm pretty certain that it is." "So, you think someone forced her to write it." "I think...", his eyes squeezed shut and he nodded slowly. "I think that that's the most likely explanation at this point." "So that's good. That means she's still alive." Mulder's eyes flew open and he looked at Charlie angrily. "Of course she's still alive!" he shouted at a surprisingly loud decibel. He'd been speaking just above a whisper until that point. "Okay. I know..." "I would know if she...I would know..." he sputtered and Charlie nodded sympathetically. "Sure you would. Of course. So, we need to look for her." He was trying to be as patient and understanding as possible. Mulder seemed like he was walking a thin line between sanity and, well, the other. "I will. I am. I'm...I'm not giving up on her. I'm not going to give up." "Well, I'm glad but the point of my coming here in the first place was to offer to help. I don't know a lot about Bureau procedure but I suspect you'd probably consider that a good thing. What I do have is a strong desire to find my sister and a willingness to do just about anything to that end." "Um..." Mulder looked down again and started fiddling with the napkin on the table. "I appreciate the offer but I really work better alone. I'm not really what you'd call a team player. The only person whose ever been able to help me is your sister. I make it kind of difficult." "Look, I'm gonna look for her. And you're gonna look for her. We can do it separately and waste time or we can work together and get something done already." Mulder shrugged and stood up. "Um...where are you going?" "We're going to get the keys to my office so we can start looking for her." xxxxxx 4:30 p.m. Mulder's apartment building Mulder's office keys were in his apartment. Charlie had followed him to the building in his car, speeding the entire time. They paused in front of his door and Mulder looked as if he'd suddenly remembered something important. Before he unlocked the door he turned to Charles and smiled mildly. "Um, forgive the mess." "Mess? Please. You should see...my..." Charlie drifted off as Mulder threw open the door to reveal the most shockingly hideous disaster area Charlie had ever seen. It looked like a tornado had ripped through the entire apartment. The floor was littered with broken glass, papers, clothing, cookware, just about everything one would expect to find in someone's home. It seemed like just about everything in the place was broken or torn apart. Mulder looked somewhat embarrassed and shrugged. Charlie had thought for a moment that someone had broken in but it was obvious from the look on Mulder's face that he'd done the damage himself. He decided not to ask him about it. It was none of his business really and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what had driven him to such despair. He noticed the broken screen of the television, the blood on the glass, and made the connection to the bandage on Mulder's arm. He hoped the pity didn't show on his face. "Um...let me just find those keys." Charlie tried not to smile at the ridiculous image of Mulder rummaging around the debris. It was like a needle in a haystack. "Mulder, you're back. I was worried..." Charlie turned to see a woman standing in the doorway of Mulder's bedroom. She was relatively attractive and looked about Mulder's age, maybe a little younger. And she was in his apartment waiting for him. Charlie felt a surge of anger and suspicion. Maybe he'd been wrong about Mulder. Mulder looked up with a surprisingly alarmed expression. "Jane...I...ugh...what..." "I...I thought I'd come by and clean up the mess. I wanted to make sure that you weren't hurt. I hope that's okay." Mulder shrugged and scratched his head. He looked so uncomfortable it was almost painful to watch. Charlie looked back and forth between the two of them, trying to figure out what the situation was here. "Yeah...it's...it's fine. I'm fine. Um...have you seen my office keys?" Jane walked to the bookcase and picked the keys off the top. "I put them here with some other stuff I thought you'd want." She glanced over at Charlie with a strange expression. Almost a fearful one. "Um, thanks." Mulder looked down at his feet and took the keys from her hand somewhat reluctantly. "Oh, sorry. This is Charles Scully. He's Scully's brother. Charlie, this is Jane, she's my cleaning lady." His cleaning lady? Why was he squirming like that with his cleaning lady? He reached out his hand for her to shake. She looked at it strangely for a moment before returning the gesture. "Scully's brother, huh?" She glanced towards the window and Charlie could swear she suddenly seemed very nervous. "Yeah, he um..." Mulder looked at Charlie and smiled, "He's gonna help me find her." Charlie smiled back. He was convinced that Mulder wasn't involved with this woman romantically but he still couldn't figure out the nature of their relationship. It was awkward to say the least. "Help you....find her?" She was definitely nervous. "I thought...I mean...is that the best idea? I thought that you thought..." "I'm not sure what I think anymore. But I need to find her no matter what." "I...see. Um are you...are you an FBI agent too?" She asked Charlie. "No I'm just a guy who wants to find his sister." He grinned congenially and Jane turned a decided shade of pale. "Oh,...I see." "Um, we're gonna go now. I ugh...don't worry about the mess, Jane. I'll take care of it." Mulder ducked away from her and moved towards the door. Charlie followed behind him and took a last glance back at Jane before leaving the apartment. She looked very concerned, very...odd. Charlie couldn't quite place it but there was something very wrong. xxxxxx Scully watched the fountain through the window. It had seemed that a lot of time had passed since Jane had last been in the room, since she'd fed her those revolting, squirming insects. She tried not to think about the fact that she'd swallowed a few. It was really the least of her problems. She felt disgusting. She was still wearing the same pajamas she'd had on since the night Jane had taken her away. The same night she and Mulder had both finally snapped from the pressure they had put on one another. She whimpered from the thought of the abhorrent state in which she now must appear. Of all the ways to die, she had never considered ending up like this. She supposed for a moment she was deserving of it. She was the one who had taken the best thing to ever happen to her for granted. Stifled a closeness that she longed for and she knew Mulder did as well until it drove him away. She worked so hard to prove to herself and to Mulder that while he was important to her, in the end she needed no one but herself. That she always appreciated Mulder's concerns for her well-being, but in the end would always survive on her own strengths. While she continued to watch the fountain, she fell into one of her coughing fits again. She couldn't stop and it hurt her everywhere. Her throat was raw, her windpipe constricted. She tasted blood her mouth and she wasn't sure if it was from her face or her lungs. Her vision was spotty and she wondered if this was the beginning of the end for her. Not willing to give in just yet, she opened and shut her eyes several times, breathing as evenly as she could manage. The black spots were still there. Moving all around the bed and the wall. But not moving. Crawling. She gasped sharply as she realized they were the same bugs that were in the noodles. The same ones she'd ingested. They were coming into the room from the window, in droves, rushing toward her, on her, into her. They were crawling into her skin, burrowing into her pores. She looked down at her arms and could see them moving under her skin. Somewhere in the background she heard Jane, singing. "She swallowed the spider to catch the fly...I don't know why she swallowed the fly..." "No!" She screamed and felt one crawl into her mouth. She tried to spit it out, but it couldn't be done. She wiggled as much as she was able, but they kept coming toward her, into her through her nose and her navel and even her vagina. "There was an old lady who swallowed a spider..." Jane sang. They continued to crawl in through the window, more and more of them until the bed was completely black, covered in them. Scully felt a hundred pounds heavier suddenly and was beginning to feel the life being drained from her, literally, by these creatures. "I don't know why she swallowed the fly..." "Jane, help me, please," Scully finally cried at her. "Make it stop, make it stop." "Perhaps she'll die..." Scully heard her repeat the phrase over and over, laughing as she sang. "No, no, no," she yelled. Scully heard a door slam and Jane yelling, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?" Scully jumped in her sleep. At least that's what it had to have been, but she never felt like she'd opened her eyes from sleep. She hadn't been asleep. She couldn't have been asleep. "There were bugs," Scully started and then realized there were none. Not in the bed or on the floor or crawling in from the window. She heard Jane chuckle yet again, and then saw her pick up something off the bed. It was one of the bugs. Jane held it between two fingers. It was dead. "God, what a little fraidy cat you are. It's fucking dead and you're scared of it?" She shook her head at Scully and threw the carcass at her, hitting Scully on the head, feeling as though it had gotten stuck in her hair. "Now shut the fuck up already or I'm gonna have to kill you!" part 8 Friday, 4:56 p.m. "Fucking move, asshole!" Mulder leaned on his horn irritably and the driver who had just cut him off flashed him the international symbol of road rage. It didn't matter anyway. There was no way this traffic was going anywhere. He and Charlie were stuck on the Beltway at five o'clock in the afternoon and there was nothing that could be done about it. He glanced over at Charlie who was patiently sitting with his hands folded in his lap looking out the window. He didn't seem annoyed at all by the traffic. Hell, the guy didn't seem annoyed by anything, ever. Even Mulder. After forty-eight hours of working together Mulder figured Charlie would be ready to kill him but so far he hadn't even raised an objection to Mulder's unusual methods of investigation. He'd gone along and helped out when needed and kept his mouth shut most of the time. He was turning out to be the second best partner Mulder had ever had. Probably because, as Charlie himself had pointed out, he wasn't an FBI agent. He was, however, a Navy officer. He didn't seem like a typical military type though. Mulder was usually suspicious of anything or anyone related to the military but Charlie seemed different for some reason. It didn't look like they were going anywhere so Mulder decided it might be worth it to do a little digging into Scully's brother's history. He was starting to get suspicious about his lack of suspicion. Krycek had seemed like a decent guy at first too. "So Charlie, how long have you been in the Navy, anyway?" "Too long." Charlie grinned and shook his head. "Too damn long." "You don't like it?" He looked like he was considering the question very seriously. After a minute or two he sighed. "I wouldn't say that exactly. I've enjoyed certain aspects of it. And I'm proud of what I've accomplished there but, well let's just say it wasn't exactly my first choice as far as a career is concerned." Mulder was about to ask him what his first choice had been but Charlie started talking again before he had the chance. "I do love the ocean. Being at sea is quite an experience. I've seen some real strange things out there." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, well, Dana warned me not to get started talking about this stuff with you if we ever met but, yeah. Strange lights, stuff like that. Things that no one could explain, that some people seemed real nervous about." Mulder knew under ordinary circumstances he would be insanely curious about this but these were not ordinary circumstances. Besides, this was the same kind of line Krycek had fed him and he was starting to get even more on edge as the memories returned to him. He just nodded and muttered, "I'm not surprised." "But anyway, like I said, it wasn't always what I wanted to do. In fact I was dead set against it. It was always assumed that that's what I would do, ya know? And when Bill joined it was like, beyond assumed. But I was against it all the way." "So what made you change your mind?" "Well...I never really did officially. I kind of got myself into a situation where it was the lesser of two evils." "The other evil being?" "Well, prison." Mulder didn't know what to say to that. He was shocked but for some reason the admission eased his concerns a bit. Charlie wasn't so perfect after all. Since Mulder was silent, Charlie continued. "Yeah I got caught stealing a car. I was seventeen and I'd just dropped out of high school. I was a little um...confused. So anyway when the captain found out he said either I bail ya out and get you a lawyer and it's off to boot camp or you rot in this cell." Charlie laughed to himself. He seemed to think the story was pretty funny in retrospect. "Wasn't really much of a choice, ya know." "Who...who's the captain?" "My father." He grumbled with barely disguised contempt. "That's what we called him. Well, me and Bill anyway. Melissa got to call him dad and of course he was Ahab to Dana. But he actually liked them so..." Charlie drifted off and ran his hands through his thick black hair. "Sorry. I shouldn't be boring you with the pathetic melodrama of the Scully family." Mulder was actually far from bored. In fact he was fascinated. For some reason he'd always assumed that the Scully family was as close to perfect as a family could be. At least until he'd come into the picture. But then again everyone's family seems perfect when you come from the kind of abusive, bizarre pit Mulder had spewed forth from. Still, maybe not all was sunshine and roses in the world of the Scully's. And this was where Scully came from. This was a chance to find out more about her. A chance to understand her in a new way. He was very interested to say the least. And he was warming up to Charlie. He seemed to have a lot of animosity towards his now deceased father and that was certainly something Mulder could relate to. "That's okay. It's not like we've got anything else to do," he grumbled, gesturing towards the traffic jam from hell. "So, you and your dad didn't get along too well I take it." "I suppose you could say that. He ran our home the same way he ran his fleets and that kind of clashed with my basic instincts, I suppose. It worked great for Bill. And Missy, well, actually he kind of spared Missy from that. She was the special one. She kind of got spared everything. She was so fragile. But me and Dana kind of got the bad end of all of that." Mulder nodded, trying to absorb this bit of information. To assimilate it into the bank of knowledge he already had about Scully. "It's funny cause it seems to have had opposite effects on us. All that repression and harshness sort of made Dana shut down, afraid to really talk about her feelings, afraid to even admit that she has them most of the time, and in me, well I can never seem to shut up about them." It made perfect sense to Mulder. And it explained a lot. In fact that one simple thing explained almost everything. It made him want to cry. He'd been so pushy with her, so demanding and invasive. "Anyway, I think everybody knew I was headed for that kind of thing. Dana used to call me jailbird before I even got arrested. She thought it was funny. She said it at dinner once and mom just completely wigged out on her, 'That's not funny Dana!' mom would say. 'How would you feel if your brother really did end up in jail?' blah blah blah. She was so mad, though, cause everybody knew it was true. Dana was just the only one with the balls to admit it." Mulder smiled at the image of a young Scully blurting out whatever was on her mind and at the same time felt himself begin to tear up at the thought of her exuberance being squelched and stifled. "She was also the only one who could deal with it, who could accept me for who I was. I think we gave each other that..." Charlie bit down on his lower lip and looked away from Mulder and out the window. He missed her. He was worried about her. He loved his sister a lot. Mulder could relate to that on every level. As a man who'd lost his only sister. As a friend of Scully's, another person she'd defended against the rest of the world, another loser who she understood when no one else did. As a person who needed her, adored her, missed her. God, he missed her so much. xxxxxx "Wake up, bitch! *Wake* *up*!" Jane shook Scully again and again. She watched as Scully's eyes blinked several times before finally opening to look at her. She said nothing, just wavered a bit and stared. Jane was relieved. Scully had been asleep for nearly eighteen hours. When she had come in to check on her, it had looked as though she had stopped breathing. Jane was glad to feel the warm air on her hand from Scully's breath, shallow as it was. Her face was good and bruised, streaks of dried blood everywhere. Good. She's had her whole life to be pretty girl. Good things can't last forever. Sorry sweetie. It just has to be this way. Can't have it all. "Morning, princess," she said in a mocking tone. "Doesn't look to me like you got your beauty sleep." Scully still said nothing. Her eyes were dilated and Jane marked at how Scully seemed to be looking almost through her. Then Scully dropped her head over the side of the bed and began to heave. She vomited nothing, not even bile, but couldn't seem to gain her composure. She smiled an evil smile to see her like this. It gave her such satisfaction that she could reduce Mulder's perfect angel, his only blessed savior to a retching, nearly insane disturbing mess. She was shaking and sweating and Jane heard her coughing constantly, to the point she knew Scully could no longer control it. But instead of it being merely annoying, it was incredibly fulfilling to hear the sound of her suffering. If only you could see her now, Fox Mulder. You wouldn't want her so much anymore. Which is what she was precisely hoping for. Things had taken a new course. If it meant making Mulder suffer for a bit, that was more than worth it. For all the goddam suffering she herself had gone through, he could survive this little difficulty for the moment. Besides, she would be there. Be there waiting to comfort him, help him heal. And then he would love her. "Look at you! Certainly a long way from that strong, beautiful woman Mulder could never shut up about. A long way." Scully lifted herself up, feeling weaker than ever. She was so confused, she could hardly see anything, her vision very blurred. A tearing pain from her stomach threatened to make her start heaving again. "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly..." Jane sang above her. "Perhaps she'll die." "Ja-," she hissed through Jane's depraved giggles. "Jane, please...water," she begged. "S'matter, dear? Oh, you want water? I think we can arrange that, your highness." She new it was dangerous, but Scully allowed herself the luxury of slight relief to hear Jane's assent. She was almost aware that Jane left the room and when she heard running water, she was so grateful. Jane was still chuckling when she returned. In her hand she held a clear glass, overflowing with cold water. It spilled off the top and down the sides as she walked. Agent Pretty girl looked so sadly desperate lying there, on the verge of consciousness. She knelt directly next to her and Scully moved as near to the glass as she could. "Uh-uh-uh, your highness, let's not be piggy about this, remember you're still a lady. Well, at least you bear a slight resemblance to one." She laughed again. Scully concentrated on that glass, as though she believed it would make Jane move it closer to her mouth. But instead, Jane brought it to her own mouth and Scully cried in frustration as Jane swallowed down more and more of the water, until finally only a third of it was left. Still laughing, Scully saw Jane dip something into the glass. A wash cloth. A filthy, greasy one. It smelled like gasoline. It soaked up the rest of the water and Scully swallowed down non-existent saliva in an entirely reflex action. She lay flat down again on the bed, cursing herself for even believing, hoping in the first place. Then Jane was above her again. "Daaa-nahhh," she called to her and giggled again. Scully opened her eyes to the dish rag. "Well, open up if you want a drink, hon," Jane said as she squeezed a few drops into Scully's mouth, all the while laughing with that now frightening maniacal tone. It tasted like soap and bleach and grease, leaving a disgusting aftertaste on her tongue. "Oh, too bad, that's all you get." Jane was so absolutely pleased with herself to see Scully crying. "Here, suck on this, then, if you're gonna be so pitiful." She held the rag out and Scully turned her head. "Take it, dammit!" she yelled again and shoved it into Scully's mouth. The mad look in Jane's eyes was beyond frightening as she stuffed the dirty washcloth further into her mouth. Scully fought her all the while and soon Jane seemed to grow tired, ceasing her assault on Scully. Scully spit the filthy thing out of her mouth and she swore she saw those maggots from before crawling on it. As Jane was leaving the room, Scully called out to her as best as she could manage. "Jane," she said weakly, her eyes closed. "What?" "I don't care what you do to me. Please," she broke off and took a wheezing breath. "Just don't hurt Mulder." Jane ran back to the bed. "What? What the fuck are you talking about? Why the hell would I want to hurt him? Fuck you, Dana Scully. I know exactly what Mulder needs, you don't need to tell me how to treat him. I know what he wants and it sure as hell isn't you!" She fled from the room and came promptly back with something in her hand. Scully braced herself for further pains. "OPEN YOUR EYES, DAMMIT! OPEN 'EM!" Scully's swollen eyes flew open painfully and she saw Jane above her once again, shaking her. Jane went on with her rant. "So don't even try to tell me that I don't. He sure as hell doesn't love YOU! Who would want someone like YOU anyway? Look at yourself." She pushed the object she had brought into the room into Scully's face. It was a hand held mirror. "LOOK DAMMIT!!!" Jane screamed. "Look at how ugly you are now, ya STUPID bitch!! You dirty, dirty whore!! You were just a mistake, anyway! Who would possibly want to have ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!" Scully obeyed Jane's demands and looked into the mirror. She cringed at what she saw. As she'd first envisioned, it was bloody and purple and blistery all over. Unrecognizable. 'Nothing we'll be able to do to completely restore her face' echoed in her head. "Flawless, Scully. I love it. Beautiful.' She whimpered and became aware again of how much her face hurt. She shut her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to block Jane and the mirror and the memory of her hideous face out of her reality. She had never in her life wished to die. Now she did. "He's gonna fall in love with me, you just wait," Jane's voice rang through again. "I'm not going to hurt him." "What do you think he'll do if he finds out you did this to me?" Scully was surprised she could manage that much speech. Jane thought a minute and then her expression grew angry. "Hey, wait a minute. You're trying to tell me I'm crazy. Well I'm not, I am NOT. There is nothing wrong with me. Nothing. So don't you try any of that psychology crap on me, cause it won't work." "I'm sorry, Jane, you're right. I didn't mean to imply-" "Don't you FUCKING patronize me." "I wasn't. Really, Jane, I wasn't." She coughed. "You really think I'm stupid, don't you?" Scully was bracing herself for another outburst of physical violence from her and for a moment, as it looked as though Jane was thinking of hurting her again. Dammit, I said too much. Dammit. God, how she needed Mulder on this one. He would have known what questions to ask and what not to say. To Scully's surprise, she saw Jane's eyes tear and she sucked her lips inward. She whimpered once and ran from the room and Scully breathed a sigh of relief. *Mulder, I'm here, can't you hear me? It's her, it's her. Oh, be careful, Mulder.* xxxxxx Monday, 1:04 am Mulder's apt. Mulder kicked off his shoes and collapsed onto the couch, exhausted. It had been a long and insane three days. Or had it been four? It was all such a blur. He and Charlie had been scouring Scully's neighborhood, questioning every person who might have been within a fifty mile radius on the night of her disappearance. And then there had been that meeting with Skinner. Mulder shuddered just thinking of it. Not to mention background checks on everyone in Scully's building and hours and hours of surveillance tape from her lobby. And still they had absolutely nothing. Not one single lead. Mulder couldn't remember the last time he'd slept. Or eaten. And it was only on Charlie's insistence that he'd agreed to stop for the night. He'd managed to convince Mulder that they were useless to her if they were too tired to think and that there wasn't much they could do in the middle of the night anyway. And he was right, Mulder realized as he sank into the cushions. They needed some time to regroup, to figure out their next strategy, because they were getting nowhere this way. "Hate to encourage an aspiring drunk such as yourself but how would you feel about breaking into this?" Mulder turned to find Charlie in his kitchen, holding up a bottle of Absolut. "Yeah sure, helps me think." Charlie snorted and brought the bottle out to the living room along with two glasses. "Helps me not to. And that's what I need right about now." Charlie sat down on the floor across the table from Mulder. Each of them took a shot and Mulder was proud to think that he might be able to keep up with the Irish sailor. He really was getting good at this drinking thing. "So um, looks like Jane managed to clean this place up pretty well." Mulder flinched at the mention of her name. Yet another mess he'd left behind him. She'd been calling incessantly for the past few days and he'd been avoiding her like the plague. He just felt so odd about what had happened between them. Or not happened. Whatever the fuck it was. And frankly he hadn't had much time for her problems lately. In fact he couldn't even remember if he'd given her her paycheck this week. "Yeah I guess she did. I haven't been back here since then at all." Had it already been a week since he'd gotten that dreadful letter? Charlie smiled as he poured them both another shot. "I know. I've been with you." "Right." Charlie had yet to ask him how his place had come to be in such a state and Mulder was glad. He didn't really feel like sharing his mental illness with Scully's brother. The guy actually seemed to like him for some unknown reason and Mulder didn't want to jeopardize that. It was so unusual to be accepted by a member of Scully's family and it was a valuable thing to him. And Mulder was surprised to find himself liking Charlie back. They were actually working together quite well. Charlie was so easy going and upbeat it was hard not to get along with the guy. And he was grateful to him. If it hadn't been for Charlie he'd still be in some bar reading that damn letter over and over again instead of doing what he should have been doing all along. Looking for Scully. Plus his arm would probably be gangrenous by now if Charlie hadn't convinced him to go to the emergency room and get stitches. It was true that they hadn't had much success. But it was a start. It was something. And he was determined now. They would find her. It wasn't even a question. They had to. It was just a matter of when and how. And what kind of shape she'd be in when they found her. Mulder felt another surge of panic. What if things got worse for her the longer they took? What if stopping, even for a few hours, was the difference between life and death? The adrenaline rush passed and he realized again that Charlie was right. He was useless to her in this state. Better to drink himself to sleep and start fresh in the morning. Charlie was pouring another shot. How many did that make? Mulder was glad to find that he couldn't remember. Must be working. "Hey did I ever show you my family?" Charlie asked, his voice already slightly slurred. "Nope." He reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. After some confusion he managed to locate the picture he was looking for and handed it to Mulder across the table. He recognized Charlie, grinning broadly and standing next to a tall and darkly beautiful Asian woman who Mulder assumed was his wife. They had two adorable children, a very young boy and a girl who looked about twelve years old. They were standing in front of the Grand Canyon. "That was taken last year during my shore leave." Mulder nodded and tried to smile. He wanted to be happy for him. He really did. But he handed the picture back to him with a heavy heart. "You're a lucky guy." "Thanks. Not exactly the perfect traditional Irish Catholic family though, huh?" Mulder did smile at that. He got the feeling that Charlie rarely did the perfect, traditional thing. "Mom and pop were not pleased." "Really?" "Yeah well, Rena's a little off the beaten path. She's an artist. And she's got some real strong opinions that she never tries to hide. Mom never thought she'd make a 'suitable mother' to my children." Mulder nodded sympathetically. "The irony is, she's been really successful. I mean she's a great mother but she's also been really successful with her art. She's more stable than I am in a lot of ways." He sounded so proud of her, he seemed to love her in a way Mulder understood but doubted that many other people did. "What are your kids names?" "The boy is Charlie junior, tres original I know. My daughter's name is Pele, after the fire goddess, ya know. That was Rena's idea." Mulder grinned. Charlie's enthusiasm over his family was contagious. "That's cute." "Yeah she's a cutie. Kind of turning into a terror though. Kind of reminds me of the red menace herself." "You mean Scully?" "God, I can't get used to someone saying Scully and not talking about me. Anyway, yeah. She reminds me of Dana when she was a kid. I just hope we don't have a Jeff Bloomfield incident with her. Don't think my heart could take that." Mulder was almost afraid to ask who Jeff Bloomfield was but his curiosity was the overwhelming motivator. "What's a Jeff Bloomfield incident?" "Oh man, you can't be serious. Dana's never told you that story?" He shook his head. There was so much that she hadn't told him. So much they still had to share. *Dammit Scully, where are you?* "Wow, I dunno if I should tell you. It's really embarrassing." Mulder was almost insane with curiosity at this point. He'd always assumed that Scully didn't have any embarrassing stories. She'd always been perfect. Jeff Bloomfield. Maybe it was some kid who'd had a crush on her or something. Or somebody she'd beaten up. Charlie looked like he was trying not to laugh. This had to be good. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you told me." Charlie rolled his eyes. "I'm sure that's not true but what the hell, it's late, I'm drunk. Why the hell not." He poured them both another shot before beginning and slugged it down. "Okay, Jeff Bloomfield was this guy who lived on the base in California when we were there in the navy housing. He was a cadet or something. Anyway, Dana had this huge crush on him for like a million years. So, this one weekend, Dad and Bill were gone, out at sea ya know, and Mom wanted to go visit Nana. This was before I dropped out of high school so I guess I was about fifteen. Dana was sixteen." Charlie poured another shot for himself. Mulder was already shocked by the story. Scully had a crush on someone? He'd never imagined her with a crush on anyone, ever for some reason. And Charlie had dropped out of high school? Scully's family got more interesting by the minute. "So Dana tells mom that she's sick, that she can't come with us. Headache or some shit. And mom was all worried about leaving her for the whole weekend which totally pissed Dana off since she was 'practically an adult'." Mulder could hear her saying those words in his head. "So mom relented and dragged me and Missy off to Nana's. Then like halfway through the visit mom decides to call Dana to make sure she's okay but nobody answers the phone. So mom decides that we have to go home because she's all worried. So we pile back into the car and drive back home. And then when we get there, there's a car in the driveway that we don't recognize and mom really starts to freak out and then..." Charlie broke off into a hysterical laughing fit and Mulder felt like shaking him. What the hell had happened next? He was starting to get worried about Scully himself. "Then mom throws open the door and there's Jeff Bloomfield boinking the hell out of my sister on the fucking floor." Charlie set off on another laughing fit which seemed to increase in intensity when Mulder spit a mouthful of Absolut across the table at him. part 9 "They were...he was...she..." Mulder sputtered for a while, completely unable to form a coherent thought. All his brain seemed able to do was formulate a dozen mental images to go along with Charlie's story. "You should have seen my mother's face. Jesus, it was priceless. I wish I'd had my camera. And Dana's. She was so horrified. And there's me and Missy, laughing our asses off." "So what...what happened? I mean..." Mulder cursed himself for his damn curiosity. But there were things that he just had to know about this. She'd only been sixteen, for Christ's sake. "I mean, what exactly were they doing? I mean...was she naked?" Mulder was afraid Charlie was going to bust a gut on that one. "Of course she was naked. They were having sex! Story wouldn't be too fucking funny if she'd had her clothes on, would it?" "Well no, I just thought..." Mulder wasn't exactly sure what he'd thought. That Scully was a thirty-five year old virgin? Some kind of saint? No, he realized, he'd never really thought that. He knew she'd had relationships. It was just that "Jack and I dated for a year" was a bit less descriptive than "boinking my sister on the floor". He'd just never really...imagined it before. Not like he was doing now, fully against his own will. A sixteen year old Dana Scully, young and fresh, nubile adolescent body, writhing around on the floor with some guy. No, it couldn't have been like that. Maybe he'd taken advantage of her. Maybe it was a traumatic experience for her. "Was she okay?" "Okay? What do you mean?" "Well, I mean...did he hurt her or anything?" "Hurt her?" Charlie laughed again. "Not that I know of. Looked like she was having a ball to me. So to speak." For some reason Mulder was not amused. "Well, until mom started hollering at the two of them. There they are, scrambling around to get their clothes back on and mom's going on and on. It was so fucking funny. Then she goes to Jeff, 'Do you have any idea how old this girl is' and he goes 'twenty-one right?' And mom's like, 'No you idiot, she's only sixteen, now get outta my house!'" *This should not be turning me on. This should not be turning me on.* Mulder repeated the phrase in his head like a mantra. But it wasn't working. He just couldn't get the damn image out of his brain. He wondered how many times it had been. If they'd done it all over her parents house before they were interrupted. What position had they been in when they'd gotten caught? "God poor Dana. She was so embarrassed." "I'll bet." Little Dana, pulling on her shirt, over her perky little breasts, blushing red as a rose. What a naughty girl. Mulder crossed his legs in a lame attempt to hide what was happening to him. "So, did your dad find out?" Mulder had a feeling that if he had, Jeff would have had a very unfortunate fate. Perhaps he ended up in jail for statutory rape. "No he didn't, thank God. Dana managed to convince mom not to tell him about it and me and Missy certainly weren't going to. She was all crying and shit. I guess mom felt bad for her. But we never saw Jeff around the house again." "So what did you do? I mean didn't you wanna kick the guy in the balls?" "What for?" Good question. Mulder didn't really have an answer but for some reason he felt like killing the guy. "He wasn't a bad guy. Dana's the one that told him she was twenty-one. He didn't really do anything wrong. Certainly was a good thing Bill hadn't been there, though. He would have blown a gasket. He's always hated Dana's guys, though. I mean I'm sure that's why he hates you. I wouldn't take that personally by the way. He's hated every boyfriend she's had. Some kind of misplaced father complex or some shit." Mulder was suddenly terribly confused. And dizzy. What the hell was he talking about. Dana's guys? Was he a Dana's guy? "Um...what?" "In fact as soon as I heard that he didn't like you I knew you had to be okay. He's a terrible judge of character. The only guy she dated that he liked was this total jerk..." "Wait...what? Does he think that I'm...that we're...does he think that Scully and I are lovers?" Just saying those words sent a shiver through his entire body. Charlie looked at him like he'd just grown a second head. "Well I suppose that he does. I mean, aren't you?" Mulder felt suddenly speechless. Aren't you? What the hell was the answer to that one. Well, we're not lovers but I did try to rape her once. He shook his head. "You're not? Really?" "No. Really." "Oh. Oh, really? Wow. I'm sorry. I just assumed. I mean Dana never said as much but you know how she is. She never really says as much, you know. I just figured, the way she talked about you..." Mulder wondered if everyone in her family thought that. Did her mother think that? Did everyone in the world think that? How exactly had she talked about him? Mulder shuddered involuntarily. Suddenly the mental image of young Dana and the faceless Jeff shifted in his brain to present Scully. And him. On the floor. Jesus. Mulder pulled a cushion from the couch onto his lap in what he hoped was a nonchalant gesture. He rested his elbow on it to prove that it was there for comfort, not to hide anything. He cursed himself for thinking of her like this again. This kind of crap was what had started this whole mess in the first place. "I've got a picture of all of us from that year actually." Charlie started pulling pictures out of his wallet and looking through them. Jesus, no. Mulder prayed that he wouldn't find it. He didn't want to see. God he really didn't. He lifted one from the pile with a grin. "Wanna see little Dana?" Mulder decided maybe he didn't like Charlie so much after all. He recognized all the Scully siblings in the shot. Bill and Charlie were in the foreground tossing a football around and Melissa was lying on the grass in shorts and a T-shirt. There was a house in the background that he assumed was the Scully family home. And on the porch of that house, sat little Dana. Two long red braids hung down the sides of her head. A few loose curls were framing her face. Her skin was slightly red from the sun. Her chest and arms were covered with freckles. She was wearing cutoff jean shorts and a bathing suit top that covered her round, well developed breasts, and tied around her neck at the top. She was sitting on the front steps of the house with a book in her lap and a pen in her hand. She was looking up at whoever was taking the picture. Her eyebrow was arched and she was smirking disdainfully. She was everything he had imagined and nothing he could have created in his wildest fantasies. She was tomboy and Lolita rolled into one. She was the quiet, brainy, introspective, often overlooked middle child whose heart and body held more mysteries than anyone ever considered. She was Daddy's little girl. The girl who, every once and awhile, felt something stirring inside her. An urge. A burning need to do something rebellious, something that no one would expect. Something like fucking the next door neighbor in Mommy's living room. He bit down on the inside of his mouth to keep from moaning out loud. "Mulder?" He jumped as the sound of Charlie's voice interrupted his musings. He realized he was clutching the photo in his sweaty hand. He'd been holding it for awhile now, just staring, probably fucking drooling. He handed the picture back to Charlie, needing it out of his sight. "Cute huh?" Mulder stared at him for a moment, unable to form a single word. He swallowed and managed to nod and choke out, "Cute." Charlie held the bottle upside down. It was empty. "Jeez we finished that off in a hurry. Hey, I'm kinda tired. You mind if I crash on the chair or something? I don't wanna try to drive like this." Mulder nodded absently, barely registering the request, and Charlie kicked off his shoes and collapsed into the chair next to the table. Mulder sat silently for several minutes, waiting in vain for his body and mind to settle down a little. Soon he heard Charlie start to snore and still he was in the same state. What the hell was wrong with him? Scully was missing, possibly in danger. He needed to be thinking clearly, to concentrate on finding her. Not fantasizing about little girls. Even if Scully was the little girl in question. Hell, especially if it was Scully. After everything that had happened, after the way this kind of thinking had made him act towards her, he should be covering her in a shroud in his mind. He should be doing his best to restore her to her former status. Scully the untouchable. Scully the saint. Scully who was too pure of mind and heart to think about sex. To need it. But try as he might, he couldn't get the images out of his head. And he couldn't stop what they were doing to him. He cursed Charlie for telling him the stupid story in the first place. What had he been thinking? Real cute story, Charlie. What a fucking laugh riot. Of course he'd thought that Mulder already knew about that side of Scully. Intimately. But then to show him that fucking picture. To illustrate the whole goddamn thing. What the fuck was he trying to do to him? He shifted into what he hoped would be a more comfortable position, reclining on the couch. No difference. How the hell was he supposed to sleep now? He turned over onto his side and clutched the cushion underneath him. Hopeless, he was absolutely hopeless. He looked at the table in front of him. The picture was still there. Charlie had left it on top of the pile of snapshots. He looked away quickly, willing himself to resist the temptation. He couldn't. He wouldn't. He hadn't even done that with the picture he had of her from the present. He snuck a peak over at Charlie. He was sleeping soundly in his drunken stupor. Mulder was alone more or less. He let out a sigh of frustration. It had been a long time. Since she'd disappeared, really. He hadn't even been able to think about it. For the first time in his life it had been the furthest thing from his mind. Until now. Until that damn story. After a few more minutes, a few more uncomfortable positions, he realized that he had two choices here. Spend the whole night, wide awake and horny as hell, and go back to the search in the morning, no more rested and even more tense or do something about it. Something that might allow him to rest when it was done. Something that might prevent him from coming in his pants right here on the couch. He took one last look at Charlie, making absolutely certain that he was asleep, and stood on shaking legs. He started to make his way to the bathroom but when he was halfway there he turned back. He looked at the table again. It was still there. Fairies hadn't snuck in and taken it away from him. Why couldn't Charlie have taken it back? Put it in his wallet, in his pocket? Why did it have to sit there like that? He tried to think of that night. Tried to remember how angry his advances had made her. Tried to imagine her yelling at him, telling him to stop. Just stop. For the love of God, stop. But angry, adult Scully kept shifting in his imagination to young, horny Scully. And then to adult horny Scully, to her lips parting under his in that one fucking singular great moment of his life. He glared at Charlie. Damn him. Damn him for doing this. He grabbed the picture from the table and stumbled nervously into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and leaned against the frame, needing some support. He was so drunk and so turned on he thought he was going to fall down. He put his fingers over the other members of the Scully clan in the photograph so that he could just focus on her. Just her. He didn't have to work for the images. They were vivid but broken. Not a continuos scene but bits and pieces, fragments thrown together in a twisting melange in his imagination. It was easy with the picture. So easy to take her out of the paper and bring her to life in the scenarios of his fantasies. Little Dana, in a halter top and cutoffs, standing on her lawn, looking at the object of her desire with a mixture of lust and fear, lips slightly parted, eyes wide with hunger, twisting her braids in her fingers. The sound of his zipper was unbearably loud in the silent bathroom. Scully, sitting at her laptop, looking across the room at him as she types, eyebrow raised, a mixture of annoyance and excitement as he drones on about nothing. His callused hand felt almost painful clutching at his now hyper-sensitive sex. Little Dana, lying in her little bed, in her little bathing suit top, unzipping her cutoffs, slipping her hand between her legs as her eyes squeeze shut and her mouth opens in a silent moan. The window is open and Mommy and Daddy are having a barbecue on the lawn outside. Precum dripped down his fingers and beads of sweat dripped down his face as he gripped the photograph tighter. Scully, pulling off her robe, showing him every sweet curve, every soft inch of flesh, touching the place right above her panties where the curve of her hip meets the beginning of her round little bottom. The throbbing traveled from his cock to his mind to his heart and back again until his whole body felt like it was on the verge of explosion. Little Dana kissing her faceless lover in mommy's kitchen, sitting on the sink, her legs wrapped around him, grinding against him, moaning into his mouth as her tongue slides through his lips. He let the picture slip through his fingers and fall to the floor. Scully lying next to him in a lumpy bed in a darkened hotel room in a nameless town, moving her hands over her body under the sheets as he pretends to sleep, stifling her groans into the pillow. He reached for the towel on the rack next to him with his now free hand and clutched it for dear life as he looked down at the picture on the floor again. Little Dana, crawling up his body, his now, not Jeff's, sitting on his face, the taste of her strawberry pink pussy filling his mouth as she grinds into him, hoping mommy doesn't get home before she comes. The towel slipped from the rack as he collapsed to his knees, cracking them against the tiled floor. He couldn't feel the pain. Too close, he was too close already. He pulled his hand reluctantly from his straining, throbbing erection. He wanted more. More fantasy, more Scully, more time. He took a deep breath and tried to redirect his thoughts. Take it slower.... Scully in the car beside him, sleeping as he drives, her tongue running out carelessly over her lips, a small sigh escaping her wet mouth, her legs shifting against each other. He bit his lower lip in an attempt to keep from crying out and blood trickled down his chin. Dirty little Dana, sitting on his lap, in Daddy's chair, in her Catholic school girl's uniform, plaid skirt and high socks and no panties, writhing her perfect behind against his cock, kissing him with an open mouth, a probing tongue. His fingers trembled against his sex and he knew there was no use in trying to prolong the inevitable. Scully...and him...him and Scully, on his couch, in the office, on a hotel bed, on her mother's floor, sweat and cum and blood and tears and her mouth and her tongue and her on top of him and him on top of her and her orgasm around him, gripping him, pulling him into her so far that he could never find his way out, and her eyes open, wide and feral, searing into him as she screams from the pleasure. He pulled the towel into his mouth to stifle his groan as his fingers pulled violently at his cock. His head hit the floor as he doubled over from the intensity of his orgasm. *Mulder, I feel you. Where are you?* "Scully?" He whispered frantically. Her voice had been so clear, it sounded like she was in the room with him. He snapped his head up and looked around the tiny room. He was alone. Alone with a pile of cum on his freshly mopped bathroom floor. A drop had splattered onto the picture. "God...oh God." He took a deep, shuddering breath and stood on legs that had taken on the consistency of Jello. "Shit. Shit, Scully." He used the towel to wipe down his hands and his dick and the picture, God the picture, and zipped up his fly. He looked down at himself. Cum was already starting to dry on the denim of his jeans forming a thick crusty film. Lovely, truly charming. He'd have to change before Charlie woke up. God, Charlie. How could he even face the guy again after that. What a sick fuck he was. What a disgusting mess. But at least now he had a chance of falling asleep. Maybe. He opened the door to the bathroom and peered slowly around the corner. He saw Charlie's profile, sleeping soundly on the chair still. Thank God. He was about to go to the closet and find something to change into when something caught his eye. It was dark in the living room but he could see the outline of something...someone. Someone else was in the living room. xxxxxx It wasn't until Scully felt warm, salty liquid drip into her mouth that she realized she was crying. And chanting... something, in her head. What? *Mulder, I'm right here. So close. Right here. Mulder* She had started to say it over and over in her head until she was no longer conscious of doing it. She wished she could talk to him. She wanted so badly to see him, speak with him, touch him. Know that she was real. She was beginning to doubt that he was anymore. She was in a weaker state than she had ever known. She was just as afraid to shut her eyes as she was to keep them open. What was reality was starting to bleed into deranged visions. She closed her eyes. It was warm and sticky out. Her brothers were in front of her in the yard, arguing the whole time they tossed a football back and forth. Melissa was laying on the ground, looking up at the clouds, telling her something about how the ancient Incas read them or prayed to them or something to help with problems in infertility. She knew this scene. She had lived it before. She could remember having her own fears regarding fertility that day. Two days and she'd know for sure if she had anything to worry about. What had she been think- Something made her look up. Mulder was there, staring at her with a ravenous look on his face. Her heart pounded at the sight of him. She returned the look and set her notebook down on the step. -Come to my room, Mulder. I want to show you something. Her brothers and sister did not see him and she was glad for that. They seemed completely uninterested that she was asking a 37 year old man into her bedroom. She turned her back to all of them and proceeded into the house, up the stairs to her room. -It's so hot this summer, isn't it, Mulder? I wish we had central air like the Bartala's across the street. She lay down on her twin bed and Mulder fell into the bean bag chair at the foot of Missy's bed. She gave him a look through nearly closed eyelids and unzipped her shorts. She heard Mulder moan and swallow. She slid her hand inside, between her legs. -Oh Mulder...feels so nice... Outside Mom and Dad are laughing and she could smell Italian sausage and cheeseburgers on the grill. Mulder looks worried, but redder in the face than she'd ever seen, eyes black and a streak of perspiration dripping from each of his temples. He held himself through his jeans, looking extremely uncomfortable. He's going to run again. She gestured to him with her free hand to come closer, then moaned from the vibrations she was sending through her own body. He shakes his head, yet obeys and joins her at the bed. She replaced her hand with his. -Oh, yes, Mulder, please... His touch was light, tentative, practically frightened. -More, Mulder. I need it. she willed him and he sped up his caressing, all the while licking and sucking and biting at her neck. For a split second she worried what mom was going to say about the hickeys. Especially since...Jeff? But that was so long ago. She and Jeff in the kitchen... Mulder was now standing between her legs, she perched up on the sink. She was aware of being dressed now in her school uniform, white socks to her knees but no underwear. She was thirty-four years old and sixteen at the same time. She pulled Mulder closer to her, to her heat. She gripped him around the waist with her legs, around his neck with her arms, and ground herself into him. As he opened his mouth in a groan, she covered it with hers and pushed her tongue inside. He began to pull away and she panicked. -No, Mulder, wait. Look. She pulled her skirt up to reveal how bare she was. He fell to his knees and she wrapped her legs around his neck. Then suddenly they were on the floor of the living room. Mulder, lying completely naked, she astride his belly. Soon she was crawling up his body, only to have him take her by the hips and place her dripping wet sex over his mouth. -Oh yes, Mulder. Oh God, yes! Her voice encouraged his actions and he was sucking and licking and kissing her so powerfully it seemed she would just melt into him. She wanted this now. Oh, God, what about mom and dad, they're outside... -Oh keep going, Mulder. Please...I need... He stopped. -Oh, No, Mulder, don't. God, I can't. I need you. Then they were in the living room, in the recliner. The one mom bought dad for his fiftieth birthday. Mulder's hands were in her unbuttoned regulation white uniform shirt, one hand dipped into her bra, cupping a breast and kneading it almost possessively. She kissed him harder, moaned, and wiggled her ass over his erection. He stopped again. And then he was leaving. Leaving the house. She heard his voice this time. -I'm so sorry Scully. Why was he sorry? She ran out of the house, not caring about the shape of her appearance, what her family would say to her, what the neighbors would think. She needed to get to Mulder. Quickly. For some reason, she knew time was wearing out. Or she was wearing out. Outside, she was in Arlington, in front of a building she knew well. She recognized people, cars, other buildings she knew were all in the vicinity of Mulder's apartment. People were passing her, moving right through her, never seeing her. Mulder. She was near him. He hadn't gone far. She looked up the building. There were no lights on his window. She needed to be up there, she thought and immediately felt herself ascending, floating almost into the apartment. Not much time left. It was dark in the room, but as real as the last time she'd been in there. Except that she didn't find Mulder there. It was Charlie. Asleep. Oh, god, was Mulder dead? Was she the one that was too late? No, she felt him. Inside her, physically and emotionally. He was near. She needed him there, touching her, speaking to her, letting her know if this was real. If she was real, alive. *Mulder, I feel you. Where are you?* She tried to speak out loud, but could not. It was taking all of her energy to just think the words anymore. She felt something at her back, like a cord, pulling her back to where she had come from, tugging lightly. She tried to rouse her brother. She screamed in her head for him to wake up, to hear her, to show her where Mulder was. Then she heard him. Mulder. "Jesus...Jesus Scully." It was so clear, loud in her head. She looked and Charlie had awakened. He looked at her with severe confusion, his icy blue eyes wide in disbelief. Then she saw Mulder, reaching for her, calling her name. She was overcome with a deep fear of him touching her, though she wanted that so badly. She felt that cord again, tugging more insistently now. Back to her pains, back to Jane... Mulder was in tears, nearing her and Charlie was beginning to stand. Her time was running shorter. She had to tell them. Tell them where to find her. *I'm so near to you, Mulder.* *Jane's, Charlie. Jane's. Tell Mulder. I have no time.* Neither of them were hearing her. The cord was pulling her back. She wouldn't be able to fight it much longer. Mulder was drawing nearer. A thought went through her head. A jumble of relevant information, yet she knew not what it was. Charlie seemed to hear, to understand her, even if she did not. She prayed it was so. She wanted so much to just stay, to be here with the two people who meant the most in the world to her, but she couldn't. She was losing her sight, her breath. Mulder reached out to her. *I love you, Mulder. I need you.* She tried to speak to him, but he was already gone. part 10 Charlie was jarred awake from a dream about, of all things, being abducted by aliens. Rena had turned on the light for some reason. He rolled over, trying to reach for her, to see what was wrong. His arms hit empty space and he realized. She wasn't there. And he wasn't home. His eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the sudden brightness. The first thing he saw was Mulder, standing in the middle of the living room, his hand hovering near the lamp. He was completely still and staring blankly. His mouth was opening and closing without sound. He looked like he was in some kind of shock. Charlie followed the direction of his gaze. The window. The desk. Someone...God, it was Dana. It was fucking Dana. Just standing there. No, not just standing there. She was moving her mouth as if she were speaking but no sound was coming out. Charlie blinked and rubbed his eyes. Some kind of hallucination. Or a dream. That's what it had to be. It just didn't make sense. But when he looked again his sister was still there, wearing, of all things, what looked like an ill fitting Catholic School uniform. He looked over at Mulder again. He looked as confused as Charlie felt. And then, suddenly, his perplexed frown shifted to the beginnings of a smile. Soon it was a grin. He was happy. It didn't matter to him that the scenario made no sense, couldn't possibly be real. She was here and that was all he cared about. "Scully..." His voice was a whisper, cracking on the syllables of her name. All of the sudden Dana's words took on a new clarity. Charlie could hear her loud and clear. She was reciting a list of numbers. He looked around frantically for a pen and paper and upon finding them, started writing everything she said. Mulder, meanwhile, was staggering towards her with an almost eerie slowness. It looked like he was walking through molasses. When he finally reached her, he extended his hand, intending to stroke her cheek. When his fingers were an inch or two away from her face something inside him seemed to break. He lunged towards her and wrapped his arms around her, trying to squeeze her to him. But as soon as his skin touched hers, she was gone. Just gone. Like in those old Bewitched reruns. Twitch the nose and disappear. "Scully?" He reached his hands frantically outwards, trying to find her again. But she was gone. He sank to his knees on the floor and cried out. A horrifying wordless cry. And then, "Scully! Scuuuulllllyyyyyy!" Charlie walked quietly towards him and placed his hand on his shoulder. "Mulder, she's gone. I don't...I don't know what that was but..." Mulder's body shook with the force of his sobbing. "She was there...she was...there." His hands reached out again towards the place where she'd been standing and then scrunched into tight fists. "Where is she? Where is she? WHERE?!" "I don't know but she was saying something, I think it might be important. I...." Charlie drifted off when he realized Mulder wasn't listening. He moved to crouch in front of Mulder and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Mulder, stop it! She's gone. Just stop it and listen to me." Mulder met his eyes and Charlie was almost frightened by what he saw there. But he had his attention. He pushed the paper he'd been holding at Mulder. "This is what she said. I wrote it down. I don't know what it means, it's just a bunch of numbers. But it's something. It's gotta mean something." Mulder shook his head. "What was it Charlie? I don't understand. What if....what if it was...." He sank further towards the floor and continued to cry. A ghost. That must be what he was thinking and Charlie was somewhat worried about that possibility himself. Strangely it was the most plausible explanation. But it didn't seem right somehow. If Dana were gone, he would know. God knows Mulder would, too. She wasn't dead. She just wasn't. It was something else. And Charlie was determined to figure out what. xxxxxx Tuesday 4:45 p.m. She thinks I'm nuts. Insane. Little miss bug-hallucinator thinks I'm crazy? I am NOT crazy. Just because I spent time at that hospital doesn't mean anything. I wasn't half as nutty as the guy who talked to his elbow like it was his dog. I didn't belong there with those lunatics. "Oh, she's *great*, she's *wonderful*," he says. Well, dammit I am just as great and wonderful. I went to Yale. For a little bit, anyway. Can't get into that kind of school if you're stupid. Or crazy. At least I'm willing to go to bed with him, give him what he wants, what he needs. Special Agent Sister Scully in there's miss celibate, isn't she? Probably needs to be married or something before she'll do it. I mean, come on, she's the crazy one for turning Mulder away that one night. Anyway, she's not at all what Mulder needs. Mulder needs a sexy temptress. A comforting mother. A woman who will be anything he wants him to be. A woman who'll do everything for him. I am that woman. Not her, she's got no clue how to handle Mulder. I do. I know. Jane hit the auto dialer as she peered through her camera. She couldn't see him in there and the answering machine kicked on after only two rings. She punched in Mulder's code to retrieve the messages. There were two. "Hello Mister Mudler, This is First City National Visa calling to let you know that your account is now past due and you are incurring late fees at this time. If you are unable to mail your payment in the amount of $340, please contact us at the toll free number on your bill so that special arrangements can be made." He was starting to forget to pay his bills? He was really distracted. These messages were from two days ago as well. Never even listened to them. She needed to get his attention again. Get it off of Scully. "Yeah, Mulder, this is Charlie. Listen, I decided on a whim to go talk to the landlord at that woman, Jane's apartment building. Something just didn't sit right with me with her, she's kind of odd, I think. Anyway, I thought I'd go talk to people in that building and I found out something really interesting about how this woman got her apartment. Seems there's a waiting list to get into this building and Jane was like last on the list. Guy tells me she plopped down 2 grand in cash to bribe the him plus her first six months rent! Is that a little strange or what? I don't know, maybe it's nothing, but I thought it was worth checking out anyway. I'll try to catch you on your cell." Jane's heart was racing now as she pressed the buttons that would erase the messages. Fuck fuck. Was her whole family this goddam annoying? She knew the landlord wasn't gonna tell him anything, he didn't know anything about her and was such a senile old man that he couldn't hardly remember his wife's name. But something had to be done about redirecting Mulder's focus. To her. And quickly. After a few moments, Jane had hashed out a plan. She dialed his phone and left a desperate, pathetic message. "Mulder, it's me. Mulder, I know you're busy looking for Scully, but, I think...I think they're coming back. I just feel it. It's going to happen soon. Oh, Mulder," she sobbed quietly a few times, "I don't want to go. I don't want to go again and you're the only one who can help me, Mulder. Please call me as soon as you get this. *Please*." She peeked in on the princess. She was sleeping. Or passed out, one of the two, frankly she could care less at this point. She needed to decide on her next course of action. She was going to have to think of something. xxxxxx Wednesday, 7:45 p.m. "Could be some kind of logarithmic formula." "Or a coded matrix." Mulder shrugged and rolled his eyes at Charlie as his friends puzzled over the seemingly random numbers scrawled on notebook paper. The two of them had stared virtual holes in the paper in the two days since Scully's vision had appeared to them. They'd taken it to a code breaker and a numerologist. Finally Mulder had decided to bring it to the Gunmen. Now Langly and Frohike were discussing far fetched possibilities of meaning and typing the numbers frantically into a computer and Byers was sitting on the couch next to Charlie. Mulder was pacing. Despite the dire nature of the situation, Charlie was amused by Mulder's goofy friends. They were certainly an odd bunch but they seemed to be genuinely concerned for both Dana's and Mulder's well being. Byers leaned over and spoke quietly to him when Mulder had stalked out of ear shot. "How is he doing?" Charlie shook his head. He didn't know how to begin answering that. He'd never dealt with anyone in such a state. "Bad, huh?" He nodded emphatically. Bad was one way of putting it. "I figured as much. She's like his whole life, ya know." Charlie nodded. "It's hard to be around him for more than five minutes and not know that." "What the FUCK are you guys doing?!" Byers and Charlie both jumped at the sound of Mulder hollering at Frohike and Langly. They had been there for almost two hours and Mulder was apparently starting to lose his patience. Charlie had noticed that about him during their search. If things didn't pan out quickly he would grow irritated and anxious and start making loud demands of whoever happened to be assisting him at the time. Except for Charlie himself. He'd been strangely patient with him for some reason. And Charlie had returned the gesture. He wondered if Mulder was always this way when he was working on an investigation. He doubted it, though. Dana wouldn't have put up with that. And he figured Mulder's frenzied pace had more to do with the nature of this particular investigation than anything else. He glanced over at the two geeks at the computer. They looked startled and a little afraid from Mulder's outburst. Mulder didn't seem to notice. He continued ranting. "They're numbers. Fucking numbers. What the hell are you doing with them? What the fuck do logarithms have to do with Scully? You're just wasting time." Charlie stood up and approached Mulder. He felt bad for the guys. They looked like they were about to cry, for Christ's sake. "Mulder?" "What? WHAT?!" "They're just trying to help. Why don't you go rest for a little bit." Neither of them had been sleeping much but he knew Mulder hadn't even really tried in days. He was on the verge of complete collapse. Mulder gave him a dirty look but he also seemed to acquiesce. He threw up his hands and stormed off to another room in the endless labyrinth of the Gunmen's garage. When he was out of sight Frohike turned to Charlie and grimaced. "He's a mess." "I've never seen him like this. Even when she was sick..." Langly added, shaking his head. "What happened to his arm?" Frohike asked. "Um...I'm not sure really." Charlie still didn't know for certain if he'd done that to himself and even if he had he was sure it wasn't something he was proud of. "I got him to go to the hospital though and have them look at it. It kept bleeding through the bandage and shit." "Wow!" Byers exclaimed. "You actually got him to go to the hospital? When Scully's missing? I'm impressed. You must be pretty persuasive." Charlie shrugged, still uncertain about why Mulder seemed to listen to him and no one else. He turned back to the computer and glanced at the elaborate formulas and charts on the screen. He looked down at the paper again and something occurred to him. Something so obvious that it was laughable. So obvious that it took him days to think of it. "Um, guys, do you think maybe this could be a phone number?" The first three numbers of the repeated series of numbers were the prefix of a lot of telephone numbers in the DC area. There were fifteen more numbers after those three but maybe the next four were connected to them. All three men turned and stared blankly at him for a moment. Then Langly picked up a phone book. All three of them ran to one of several computer stations and began furiously typing commands into it. "We can do a search in less than two minutes," Langly announced. xxxxxx "Ow!" Mulder scowled after kicking the sofa in the dark, secluded room he'd found. "Shit." He sat down to take the pressure off his now throbbing foot. He needed to think. He needed to concentrate. He needed to be coherent. He'd kicked something in hopes that it would wake him the fuck up. But now he had to sit and that made the situation even worse. Things were so blurry. He was more nauseous than ever and things that weren't supposed to move, like the walls, were starting to. He had no idea what time it was, what day it was, how long it had been since he'd last seen her. He buried his face in his hands and let out a groan of frustration. He was useless to her like this. He couldn't even focus his eyes anymore let alone think straight. His eyelids drooped shut despite his efforts to the contrary and he sank deeper into the cushions. He was slipping away. Drifting, floating, drowning... When he resurfaced he found himself in a darkened hall. He moved past several doors, knowing that one of them was the one he needed to open. They were all numbered. The numbers. He looked for the familiar ones, the ones he'd memorized from the paper. 307. Those were three of them. He recognized them. He turned the knob of the door. He stood in the hall for a moment peering at what was behind it. Plants and trees and flowers and a strange hissing sound that could have been a sprinkler system. She was here somewhere. He could feel her. He couldn't see her, though. He walked into the strange room and shut the door behind him. As soon as it was closed it disappeared into a sea of greenery. He was scared for a moment. His only way out was gone. But it was more important to find Scully. He had to find Scully. He worked his way through the plants. For awhile as he walked, plants were all he could see. They surrounded him and suffocated him. He had to hold out his hand to push them back and pass them. They hit him in the face and cut his skin. He was reminded of a time, a place, a thousand miles and a thousand years ago. A corn field. Looking for Scully, calling for her desperately because he couldn't see, couldn't see anything but plants. Always looking for Scully. He opened his mouth to yell to her but no sound would come. And leaves filled his throat. Finally he reached a clearing. The plants receded and he was faced with a statue. The lion. The same lion. From his other dream about her. The lion fountain that had taken Scully's face away. "Scully!" He called and this time his voice worked. But she didn't answer. She wasn't there. Or she couldn't hear him. Some of the trees swayed and he caught sight of a glass panel behind them. He ran to them and pulled them back so that he could see. Through the glass panel he saw a bedroom. A four poster bed. A...he tried to note the other details of the room. He knew it was important. But he couldn't focus on anything except the fact that on that bed lay Scully. He pressed his face against the glass trying to get a better view. She was lying motionless, her eyes were wide open in terror. Her arms were tied above her and she was wearing the same pajamas he remembered from that Friday night when he'd hurt her. He pounded on the glass with his fist, called to her, but still she didn't move. She was completely frozen. He looked around for something to break the glass with but there was nothing. He tried to break it with his uninjured arm but only succeeded in breaking his wrist. "Scully, can't you hear me? I'm right here!" God, her eyes. They were still open, staring unblinking at the ceiling. And there were cuts on her face. She was so thin. So pale. "Scuuullleeee! God..." A rock. There was a rock. He lifted it and found it to be surprisingly heavy. He took aim and hurled it through the glass. It shattered. Thank God it shattered. He moved towards it but jumped back when he saw what was starting to seep through the broken window. Blood. Blood was running everywhere, flowing out of the room she had been in, covering everything, covering him. He couldn't move, couldn't breath. He was dying. She was dead.... He woke with a scream on his lips. The pictures were there, it was vivid, it was real. The number. 307. The garden. The glass wall. He'd seen it all. He'd seen it recently. It was there. It was right fucking there across the fucking street. xxxxxx "Daddy? Daddy, it's me, Janie," Jane spoke into her cel phone, sitting in the parking lot of the bank. "Daddy, I just tried to withdraw some money from my accounts and both of them gave me an invalid account number message." Jane eyed the clock on her dashboard nervously. She had to get back to the apartment soon. No telling when Mulder got her message and if he would come running over to her rescue, she didn't need him taking extreme measures by getting the landlord to open her door. Or breaking it in. She felt a warm rush go through her as she envisioned Mulder calling her name and busting down her door desperately to her rescue. Scully was locked in the room and she had the blinds shut in the garden, so he wouldn't see. But, if he was worried enough, he might think she was in that room. Her heart pounded a little. Come on, Daddy. "But Daddy, I need that money," she pleaded with him in a tone more appropriate for a fourteen year old. "My rent is due tomorrow. Why did you close the accounts?" He was not happy with her. He yelled to her over and over how she wasn't getting any more money from him, ever. Jane felt a real lump rise into her throat. He was cutting her off again. "But Daddy, I'll be more careful, I promise. I *promise*, Daddy. Daddy you have to give me another chance. You have to." Last time this happened, he said there would be no more chances. She was terrified he had really been serious. "Daddy, why don't you come over tonight? Come over and I'll make you supper and you can see my garden. It looks so nice. That's why I've been spending so much. But I don't have to anymore, really I don't have to." "I don't give a shit about any goddam garden of yours. That's what you've been spending your money and time on? You're a pathetic loser, Jane Elizabeth. You've never amounted to anything, and I'm not wasting any more of my time and money on you." Jane was trying not to cry out loud. He hated that. She did not speak. "I don't want to hear from you anymore," was all he said and the connection was lost. She sat in her car and cried. Hard. He was serious. She was back to nothing again. No money. No family. After crying for a while she dialed her apartment. No answer and no messages on her machine. Fuck. He wasn't looking for her yet. She dialed Mulder's and found no answer or messages there, either. Bitch. Fucking Bitch. This is her fucking fault. Jane felt the rage build inside her like a wild fire. Soon she was hyperventilating and thinking nothing else but how much she hated Dana Scully. She threw the car in reverse and floored it out of the parking lot, her tires squealing as she rounded the corner. Mulder is going to be mine, dammit. He's going to be mine and I'm going to be happy and she's going to be gone. Gone forever. That's the only way it can be. And in that moment, Jane decided that she was going back home to kill Scully. It was the only way. part 11 The program was taking forever to track down numbers and when they did show, the number wasn't one that made any sense to them. One of the combinations was a fax machine number, another was a disconnected pager number. Another was a disconnected cellular phone number. Life would have been too easy if it had been an easily traceable number. Charlie was getting sick, he was getting tired, nothing was fucking working. Just as he was about to tell the guys to go wake up Mulder so they could get the fuck out of there, he heard a scream. Mulder was already awake. He stood up, trying to decide whether to go back there and try to talk to him or not as the gunmen looked back and forth at each other in dismay. "I think maybe we should be..." Charlie was cut off by Mulder's frantic entrance. "Mulder, hey, um we kind of got somewhere with the num..." Byers said somewhat cautiously. "We've gotta go." Mulder grabbed his coat and started heading for the door. "Where are..." "Jane's. She's at Jane's. She's at fucking JANE'S! We've gotta fucking go!" Charlie blinked in confusion for a moment. Then he realized he had to go now or Mulder was going to leave without him. He was halfway out the door already. He chased him to the car, leaving the gunmen staring after them in alarm. As soon as Charlie's door was closed, Mulder took off, gunning the car up to sixty miles an hour in about fifteen seconds. Charlie gripped the dashboard nervously. He wanted to ask Mulder what exactly made him so sure that Dana was at Jane's. He'd had his suspicions about the woman from the moment he met her but still, Mulder didn't seem to have any sort of tangible evidence as far as Charlie could see. He also wanted to ask him what exactly they were going to do when they got to Jane's. They didn't have a search warrant and she wasn't likely to let them go rummaging around her apartment. If she was even home that was. He wanted to ask him a lot of things. But he was actually afraid to. Mulder was a man possessed. He was weaving through traffic at dangerous speeds, blowing red lights and stop signs. He was squeezing the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were bleached white. His eyes were wild and, unlike usual, he was completely silent as he drove. Charlie had grown used to his muttering and cursing, especially if he was in a hurry. But now he seemed too focused on getting to Jane's to even speak. But when Mulder jerked the wheel and drove up onto the highway divider Charlie felt the need to say something. Anything. He was starting to fear for his own life. "Um...Mulder?" "I had a dream." He said this as if it were an actual explanation and was silent again. "Oh...okay..." "The same dream. With the lion and the plants. And there were numbers was in this one. 307. It was Jane's apartment. She was there. I saw her." Charlie took a deep breath and tried to collect himself. He was starting to wonder if Mulder hadn't come completely unglued. "Mulder...I dunno if...." "She was dead. She was fucking dead, Charlie." They had passed the worst of the traffic and Mulder hurled them back onto the road. Tires squealed, horns honked and Charlie smelled burning rubber. "In the dream?" He was trying hard to follow this. He had the strange feeling he might be recounting it to a psychiatrist at some point. "Yes in the dream!" Mulder shook his head. He was growing agitated with the conversation. "Don't you get it? We have to get there. God...we have to get there before it's too late." xxxxxx Only six more blocks. She decided she would suffocate the bitch and then dump the body some where far away. They would never trace the body back to her. It'd be impossible. It would make complete sense to have her body turn up in some field or something after being missing for so long. Even with the brilliant letter she'd written. Maybe burying her on Daddy's property somewhere would be a good idea... She pulled into a spot on the street and bolted into the building. She felt exhilarated. Mulder's gonna be so miserable and I'm going to be there for him. xxxxxx "Jane it's Mulder. You there?" Mulder and Charlie looked at each other in the hallway, outside apartment 307. Mulder had been knocking for awhile. It was obvious she wasn't home. He tried the knob but it was, of course, locked. Mulder stepped back a few feet and turned to his side. Charlie realized suddenly what he was planning on doing and held up his hand. "Wait, don't bother." He took out a credit card from his wallet and slid in the lock. After a few jiggles the door was open. Mulder raised an eyebrow and Charlie shrugged. "Just something I picked up over the years." They walked into the foyer of Jane's apartment, a place Mulder had been on many occasions. He'd only been there once since Scully had disappeared. He remembered an odd feeling, a strange unease that time. It was nothing compared to the sensations assaulting him now. He'd been too distracted last time, too focused on other possibilities. His instincts had been squelched by his overwhelming emotions. This time he felt her. He felt her so vividly he almost doubled over from it. She was in pain. Oh God, she was in a lot of pain. But alive. Alive. Alive. And close. So very close. He was aware that Charlie was talking to him as he walked towards the back hall, as he checked every room in the apartment. He was saying something about breaking and entering, search warrants, back up. None of it made any sense to him so he didn't respond at all, simply kept searching. Most of the doors weren't even closed. When he came across one that was locked, he knew he'd found her. He pounded his fist against the wood. "Scully?" No response at all. She couldn't even call to him. She must be so weak. "Scully are you in there? I'm coming Scully. I'm coming to take you home." He remembered the dream, the way the glass wouldn't break. The way he had been too late. He prayed. Please God. Please don't let me be too late. Charlie tried his magic credit card trick but the lock on this particular door was too elaborate. He turned to Mulder and shook his head, frustrated. "It's not gonna go." *Mulder, I hear you. Help me Mulder. I'm dying.* Her voice was more clear than it had ever been in his head. "Scully if you're near the door I want you to move back if you can. We're gonna get you out of there, I promise." He nodded at Charlie and the two men used the force of their weight to break the door in. She was there. God, she was there. All the air left his lungs and he felt as though he'd been kicked in the gut at the sight of her. He couldn't breath, couldn't think. For a moment he was afraid he would be so paralyzed by his horror and shock at her condition that he wouldn't be able to do anything to help her at all. Then he saw her eyes. He saw them open and he saw them light up when they caught sight of him. He saw them tear up with joy and relief and he heard her make a tiny, desperate, whimpering sound and he broke. "Scully...oh, Scully." She was tied to the bed at her wrists and her ankles. She was still wearing the pajamas, the ones from that night, the ones he saw in his nightmares. Beautiful shimmering gold that played off the red in her hair, made it appear even more vibrant, more lush than ever. Gold that was hanging off her skin like rags. Her body. God she was so thin. He moved towards her and started to untie her binding. He saw that her arm was twisted, mangled. It had been hanging there tied in rope and it was probably broken in at least two places. He turned to Charlie who was still standing silently at the door. "Call an ambulance. Now." xxxxxx "Mulder," Charlie poked his head into the bedroom. He'd called an ambulance and contacted the Bureau and police force for some back up and then done a little exploring. He'd discovered something that he knew might have particular relevance to Mulder. An explanation. A possible reason for this. Dana seemed to have lost consciousness while he had been gone. Her eyes were closed and she wasn't moving on the bed. Her arm was hanging limply at her side. At her other side was Mulder. He had climbed into the bed with her and was laying next to her on his side, stroking her hair and her face, still speaking to her even though he knew she couldn't hear. Or maybe she could. Charlie wouldn't have been surprised by anything at this point. When he heard Charlie he glanced up. "Ambulance and cops are on their way." "Good. That's good." He looked back at Scully and wiped a strand of hair off her bruised and bloody face. "You're gonna be okay Scully. We're gonna get you out of here." "Um...Mulder, there's something I think you should probably see." He shook his head vehemently. "I don't wanna leave her." "Just for a second. I think it's important. It's just right next door." "Okay. I...I'll be right back Scully. You're gonna be okay. You...you're okay." He leaned down and placed a kiss on her forehead. Charlie led him to the room in question and took a deep breath. "This is um...a little disturbing to say the least." He pulled back the closet door to reveal the shrine of Mulder. The walls of the small enclosure were covered with photographs of him in his apartment, on the sidewalk, outside the Hoover building, in the diner across the street, seemingly everywhere. And in these photos he was doing seemingly everything. Eating, talking, sleeping. There was a whole section that seemed to be devoted to him masturbating. In the middle of the closet was a small table with a collection of things that Charlie assumed belonged to Mulder. There was a bottle of cologne, a comb, a hunk of hair, a bunch of pages that looked like they were torn from a journal. It was the most bizarre and upsetting thing Charlie had ever seen. He felt violated himself just looking at it. He wasn't sure why he had felt the need to show Mulder. It just seemed like he had the right to know. But as soon as he saw Mulder's reaction, Charlie began to regret this decision. For a moment he was completely still and silent. But soon he started to shake, almost shiver as if it were suddenly very cold. "Me...It's me..." Charlie felt like kicking himself in the head. What had he been thinking? The guy was already close to the edge. "Come on Mulder, let's..." "It's me. She did this because of me. She....Scully..." He backed away from the closet and slammed the door shut. "God....oh God." He moaned and clutched his stomach. Before Charlie could move out of the way, vomit was covering his shoes. Mulder crouched on the floor, hunched over and emptied what little food there was in his stomach. When the food ran out he started heaving water and bile. "Mulder..." Charlie had no idea what to say. What the hell was there to say anyway? "I let her...I let her do this...let this happen...", he managed to choke out before a dry heave fit overtook him. "No. No you didn't. That's just not true. You stopped it. You found her. Now come on and let's go back..." He was interrupted by the sound of a door opening. "Mulder, the ambulance is here. Let's go take Dana to the hospital." Mulder nodded mutely and managed to stand up. They went to the living room to tell the EMT's where she was. "What the hell..." They heard the familiar voice as they walked down the hall. Mulder started walking faster and took his weapon from its holster. "Mulder..." Charlie saw something not so great going down here if he didn't stop it. As much hatred as he felt towards Jane at this moment, he knew it wouldn't do anyone any good if Mulder went postal and killed the bitch. Mulder held his hand up to brush Charlie off and rounded the corner into the living room. "Mulder you might..." "Freeze!" Mulder's hands were shaking on his gun. Jane's jaw dropped about a foot and she dropped the paper bag she'd been carrying onto the floor. After a few seconds of staring blankly like a deer caught in the headlights, she turned around and grabbed the doorknob. "I said freeze you fucking BITCH!" Charlie and Jane both jumped as Mulder's gun fired a round through the door. It just missed her and Charlie wasn't entirely sure he hadn't been aiming for her head. "Mulder...what...I don't understand..." "Shut up." He started moving towards her, his gun still pointed at her face. Tears started trailing down her cheeks. "Mulder, why..." "I told you to shut the fuck up." He was shouting but his voice was broken. It sounded like he had gravel in his throat. He reached into his jacket with his free hand and took out his handcuffs. Charlie was simultaneously relieved and, he realized, sickly disappointed. He wasn't going to kill her. Just arrest her. "Turn around and put your hands behind your back." Jane obeyed this time. As he put the cuffs on her wrists she turned her head around and Charlie could have sworn the crazy bitch actually looked a little turned on. "You're under arrest you fucking CUNT." He put his gun away and shoved her, face first, into the wall. "You have the right to remain silent you sick fuck and you better fucking do it because if I hear one more word out of your fucking mouth I'm gonna blow your ugly fucking face off." He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head backwards. "Do you understand?" She nodded as much as she could given her position. "You have the right to an attorney..." he continued with her hair still in his hand. In the midst of his tirade/Miranda rights, she mumbled something. Charlie felt his heart skip a beat. Stupid, stupid bitch was going to get herself killed. Mulder froze at the sound of her voice and let go of her hair. "What did you say?" When she didn't respond he grabbed her shoulders and spun her around to face him. "I said what the fuck did you say, cunt? Answer me!" "I...I..." "Answer me motherfucker!" "I said that..." she was sobbing at this point and could barely get her words out, "that I did it for you Mulder. I did it all for you..." No one in the room spoke for a moment. Her words hung in the air like a poisonous gas. Wrong answer. God, wrong fucking answer. "Mulder.." Charlie moved forward in an attempt at a preemptive strike but it was too late already. "You...sick...fucking..." his hands were around her throat before he finished. "CUNT!" They tightened and he shoved her backwards into the wall again. "Is that supposed to be funny? Do you think that's fucking funny?!" "I...Mu..." She started struggling and he rammed his knee into her stomach. "Shut up. Just shut up, you stupid fucking whore. Shut the fuck UP!" Her face was starting to turn blue and her eyes were bulging out of her head and Charlie realized Mulder wasn't going to stop. "Mulder, stop." He muttered lamely. He wished he could have said it with more conviction. He wished he didn't want to see the bitch just die already. But he had to think of his sister here. She'd be in even worse condition if Mulder ended up in jail for defending her. "Mulder, you need to stop." He said it loud enough for Mulder to hear this time but he ignored it completely. Jane was becoming limp in his hands. He said the only thing he thought might get through to him. "Dammit Mulder, Dana needs you! You need to go to her now." His hands loosened on her throat a little and he actually seemed to be considering what Charlie had said. "She needs you. She needs to have you with her, not in prison." Just then there was a frantic knock on the door. "Police, open up." "Come on Mulder, let them handle her. Go back to Dana. She needs you." His hands finally dropped completely and Jane sank to her knees in a coughing fit. She looked up at Mulder and managed to wheeze out, "I love you." Mulder leaned down, almost as if he were going to kiss her, and spit in her face. end chapter 1 Desideratum II: Found part 1 Friday, 5 am Georgetown Medical Center Mulder sank down into the stiff hospital chair and tried to let his eyes close. Just for a minute. He knew he needed some rest. He was running on absolute empty. He hadn't slept since two days before they'd found her, and that was already almost forty-eight hours ago. But even now, he was too wired, too full of adrenaline to let himself go. She was still unconscious. The doctors seemed to think that was okay. She had a large amount of hallucinogens in her system and she was dangerously underweight but they said they would take care of all that. That she would wake up soon enough, as soon as her body had some time to recover and she had some strength back. She was going to be okay. That's what they said. Physically at least. Mentally...that was another issue. One that Mulder had only allowed himself to speculate on briefly. Such a trauma, it was hard to know what kind of psychological damage there would be. It all depended on what kind of things Jane had said and done to her. And there was no way of knowing that until she woke up and told him. If she told him. He had no idea if she would do that. He wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted to see him again in fact. After all, this whole thing was more or less because of him. He'd brought that psychotic bitch into her life, into both of their lives. It had been him that she was fixated on. It had been him she was really trying to get to by taking Scully. Upon further search of her apartment, several more of his journals and other personal belongings had been discovered in addition to her little shrine du Mulder. It seemed that she had surmised enough about him through her spying and other intrusions to know that the one obstacle between her and the object of her desire was Scully. She knew, probably better then anyone else, how he felt about Scully. Probably far better then Scully herself knew. It made Mulder sick enough to vomit. And vomit he had. For the past several hours he'd been traveling between Scully's bedside and the toilet. It was his worst fear realized. For the millionth time. Someone had used Scully to get to him. Hurt her to manipulate him. He wondered why. Why was it his lot in life to have the people he loved endlessly tortured because of him? This time it wasn't even the Consortium or some dark unknown force. It had been his fucking cleaning lady, for Christ's sake. Would they ever be safe? Was the entire world against them? He sighed and shifted uncomfortably again. At least he'd finally gotten in to see her. When the doctors had finished with her they had told him that only her immediate family would be allowed to see her until she was moved out of ICU. He would never be able to forget that smug-assed look Bill Scully had given him about that one. Charlie had defended him, protesting vehemently that Mulder WAS family, but nobody else agreed with that assessment. So he'd waited until Mrs. Scully and Bill and Charlie had gone home and then proceeded to create the biggest hospital scene ever in his long history of hospital scenes. He managed to convince them that Scully was still in danger and that he was her personal FBI body guard. After sufficient yelling and badge waving he'd finally been granted entry and he'd been by her side ever since. She shifted in her sleep. It was the first movement he'd seen from her since she'd lost consciousness. He clutched her hand tighter in his own. He'd been holding it for the past 9 or 10 hours, hoping that she could feel it, that it might be some kind of lifeline for her. He looked over at the monitors she was hooked up to. Her lines were shifting and flashing in the relative darkness of the room. She was waking up. Or at least shifting from total lack of consciousness to a sleeping state. He touched her face lightly with his free hand. "Scully? You there?" Her skin was cold and clammy. She jerked when he touched her. Suddenly the calm peaceful look on her face shifted. She looked strained and agitated. "Scully, it's okay. You're okay." He leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Shhh, it's okay now." Her body twitched and before he knew what was happening she started thrashing around violently. She looked like him during his worst nightmares, hitting blindly at unknown assailants, pulling at the bed sheets. And her IV. God, her cast! She was all over the place. And she was going to hurt herself if he didn't stop her. He did the only thing he could think of. He climbed into the tiny bed with her and wrapped his arms around her and tried like hell to wake her up. xxxxxx "You think you can get away from me that easily, you little bitch?" Scully opened her eyes to see Jane again, her eyes looking wilder than ever. Scully's heart pounded with the worry of what this woman might do to her next. "No," she whimpered. "No, please, Jane. Please don't." But where had Mulder gone? She could have sworn he'd just been there and Charlie? It had been Charlie's voice she'd heard. And Mulder. Mulder had promised not to leave..."Mulder, where's Mulder?" "He isn't here, dammit. He doesn't care about YOU!" Jane screamed. "Fuck you, Dana Scully. Fuck you, you ugly," she jumped on Scully, pinning her down on the bed with her leg, her knee pressed into Scully's sternum and constricting her breath. "You no good, ugly piece of-," she grabbed her around the neck and squeezed, "of...NOTHING!" "No," she tried to scream and grabbed for Jane, beating her fists wildly at her and squirming. She couldn't move Jane off of her, couldn't breathe. "No, don't, dammit! Leave me alone, please," she screamed. "No, please, please, stop. Stop it! NO!!" "SCULLY!" she heard, but it wasn't Jane's voice she'd heard. "No! Leave me alone!" she screamed, continuing to pound her fists. "Scully, please, open your eyes. Open your eyes and see me." Slowly she became aware of Mulder's presence. He was lying in front of her, holding her still by her arms. She stared at him, wide-eyed with terror for a few moments. Thank God, he was here. He was here. Oh, thank God. She couldn't help but start to cry. And soon began to hyperventilate. Mulder; she had to tell him about her. "Mulder, don't let her," she gasped twice. "She's... she's- don't let her hurt me anymore. Mulder, she's hurting me." She stopped speaking because she was unable to get her breath under control. "Scully, come on, you've got to relax. Come on, *breathe* with me, breathe." He took a deep breath and held her close to him, then let it out long. "In. Out. In. Out. No one's going to hurt you anymore," he whispered in her ear. "Where is she, Mulder, where is she? You have to-" "Police took her away. She's not going to hurt you anymore. She can't. You're at the hospital now." He stroked her hair rhythmically. She pulled away and looked at him, trying hard to focus on him, to make sure he was real. It was dark in the room and by now she was somewhat aware that she was in a hospital bed. Why Mulder was in the bed with her, she did not know, but it was most certainly him. She knew his presence better than anyone's. And she was glad he was there. She couldn't quite see him clearly, "I thought," she sobbed, "I thought you weren't going to find me. I thought you weren't going to find me." "God, Scully, I am so," he paused a moment, looking over her bruised face. "So sorry." She couldn't help crying. Both from relief and residual feelings of fright. She buried her face in his chest. "Go ahead and cry, Scully," she heard him say quietly. "Just do it." "Don't go, Mulder. Promise me you won't leave." She moved her left arm so that she could hold him even closer and whimpered quietly into his chest. "Not going anywhere, Scully." After a few moments she said, "Mulder?" "Yeah?" "What time is it?" She felt him shake against her. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear you ask me that," He spoke into her hair. "So easily pleased you are Mulder." She muttered as he gently placed her back against the pillows and lay down beside her. "Just rest now Scully. I'll be here." xxxxxx Saturday 12:35 PM Mulder walked nervously through the hall towards Scully's room. She was finally out of ICU and supposedly feeling somewhat better. It was the first time he was going to see her awake since she'd first regained consciousness. He couldn't help but worry about what her emotional state would be. She was bound to be feeling pretty strange. She was simultaneously detoxing from weeks worth of hallucinogens and being filled with pain killers and Valium. Not to mention the memories. And on top of all of that, he couldn't help but wonder how she was feeling about him now that she was completely conscious. Did she remember their fight? Did she still hate him for it? Thankfully she was alone when he got to her room. None of the Scully's were anywhere to be seen. She was sitting up in her bed staring out the window. Her broken arm was set in a cast that went all the way up to her shoulder and was held in place with a sling. She looked thin and pale. When she turned to him, her eyes were glassy. "Mul'r, s'at you?" "Yeah, it's me." He sat down next to the bed and took the hand of her unbroken arm. "How ya doin?" She wasn't sure how to answer that. She felt pretty good but somewhere in the back of her mind she understood that it was because of the chemicals the doctors kept putting in her body. "Mmm...okay." He seemed very blurry to her but she could tell he was not okay. "How'r you?" He smiled and chuckled. "I'm fine, Scully. Don't worry about that." "Why you laughin? S'not funny." She had a sudden and strange flash, a memory of something from Jane's, something she'd seen. "Mul'r, your arm, how's your arm?" He looked at her strangely for a moment. "Fine...Scully, it's fine..." A white blur glided into the room. The nurse. "S'at's my nurse...Mulder." "How are you feeling Ms. Scully?" "I'm a doctor, nurse. Well, no just a doctor. You're my nurse and I'm the doctor. *A* doctor. And an FBI agent, too. You know that, nurse? Didjew know that?" Scully was barely aware of the woman taking her blood pressure as she continued to babble on. "Mulder's my partner. He's a good partner. I love him." "That right?" the nurse said absently. "Yeah. Hey, Mulder," she turned toward him. "Close your mouth, Mulder. Hey, Mulder," she said again, "This is my nurse. She's a good nurse. Brings me Vicadin." She shut her eyes. "I love her." "Vicadin's definitely taking effect," the nurse said to Mulder as she made notes on Scully's chart. "She should sleep for a while, now." Mulder watched Scully's features go completely slack as she drifted into sleep. He eyed the nurse somewhat suspiciously. "You seem to be pumping her full of a lot of drugs." That was the understatement of the universe. She'd just professed her love to him, causing his heart to do a triple flip in his chest until he'd realized it was the Vicadin, not Scully talking. He didn't like it. It made him nervous to see her so out of control, so outside herself. "Is that normal?" The nurse rolled her eyes at him. "Yesterday you were complaining that she was in too much pain, that we weren't giving her *enough* drugs. I told you then and I'm telling you now, everything we are doing for her is completely standard procedure." She patted his hand in an attempt at sympathy, despite her obvious irritation. "She's going to be fine, sir. Just fine." She left the room without bothering to try to convince Mulder to make his exit. It didn't seem worth the effort. She started to snore lightly and he smiled. Scully never, ever snored. She was way out of it. He yawned and rubbed his eyes with his free hand. He was only just starting to feel capable of sleep. He leaned over and rested his head on the bed, next to Scully's arm and placed a light kiss on her wrist before closing his eyes. "We'll make this better Scully. I promise." xxxxxx 10:50 PM "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Scully screamed and sat up straight in the bed. She was shaking and sweaty, just like when he'd found her at Jane's. He climbed into the bed as best he could and pulled her to him. She rested her forehead on his chest and continued to pant. "I...," she started and felt tears start to fall. "It was, I saw, oh, Mulder." She quit trying to speak, but let into her sobs instead. "Shh, Scully," he whispered, stroking her hair rhythmically. "Just let her go Scully. Let her go." She nodded against his chest. "I'm trying," she said almost audibly between holding back tears. "I'm trying so hard." She brought her hands to her face to help her hold back tears. She didn't want to cry over this. It was silly. Stupid. Why should she cry now? She was safe. Mulder was here with her and safe as well. What was there to cry about? She started to relax and enjoy the feel of Mulder's cheek brushing back and forth over the top of her head. He was speaking something quietly. What is was he was saying she was unsure of but it was so soothing nonetheless. She was safe and everything would soon be normal again. But it wouldn't ever be the same. No, it wouldn't because of her face. Her hideous, disfigured face. Scully's heart began to pound and she sat up straight in the bed again, ripping herself away from Mulder. "Scully-" "Mulder, please go now." "What-" "Mulder, please *go*." She turned away from him completely and swallowed down more tears. She shut her eyes and prayed he wasn't looking at her. God, he'd seen her all this time, a repulsive, disgustingly scarred face. His beautiful face that he'd told her he loved so much. Mulder felt a panic begin to set in. It was finally happening. She was remembering what he'd done, the way he'd treated her that night. She didn't want him anywhere near her. After a few moments he said, "Scully...Scully, I didn't know... well, I still don't know, but I want...I *need* to apologize. For what happened between us. For what I tried - did - to you." Oh God, what was he talking about this for? Was she so horribly disfigured he wasn't even able to address it? "Mulder, I want you to leave." She wasn't going to forgive him. And he couldn't even blame her for it. Who could forgive that? He didn't deserve her forgiveness. He didn't even deserve to be sitting in the same room with her and she knew it. He was silent for a long while and seemed to only be sitting on the very edge of the bed, not moving. "Scully, will you please, would you please at least look at me? Look at me and tell me you don't hate me." She turned her body toward him and tried to look up. She had her hands shielding her far on either side of her face, as though she were blocking out sun. She could not, however, stand to look at him. Not when she looked like she did. "Scully. *Please*." He took her right shoulder and nudged at it to face him. She lowered her head even further. "Mulder, don't. Don't look at me." God, it was even worse than he thought. She didn't even want him to see her face. She was probably afraid he'd start molesting her again if he looked at her. "Don't look at you? Why? Why shouldn't I look at you?" She swallowed hard and a sob escaped despite her. "Scully, please. Talk to me. What is it? Why don't you want me to look at you?" "You KNOW why!" She cried into her hands. "Because of what I look like. Because of...because of what she did to me. To my face. Now just go, Mulder." She sobbed more, quietly. For a moment he was utterly confused. Then he remembered what her doctor had said. Jane had been drugging her. Hallucinogens. It was very possible that Scully was seeing things that weren't there. "Scully, there's nothing wrong with your face. *Nothing*." His tone was compassionate. He was lying to make her feel better. "It's just a little scarred, that's all. It's gonna heal and be normal again." She felt Mulder's hand stroking her cheek and jumped, tearing it away. She looked at him finally. "Just SAY it, Mulder! Just tell me! Tell me what the doctor told you. Tell me how I'm never going to look the same. Why can't you just say it, Mulder? Don't lie to me, damn you! Please don't lie to me!" Mulder's eyes were wide and cloudy. "I would never, Scully." It was true, she just knew it. He just couldn't bring himself to tell her. But she knew better. They were unable to fix it, to make her look like she had before. "Scully, the scars are going to heal. They were all-" "Dammit, Mulder, she threw hydrofluoric acid in my FACE! All over." A picture of what she might look like popped into her mind's eye suddenly. She cried harder. "Scully, she didn't. It was peroxide, Scully. Hydrogen peroxide. And your scars are gonna heal all the better because she did do that." "Dammit, Mulder, I think I know the difference between those two substances. Now quit denying it, Mulder. Just stop it." He sighed once and encouraged her to lie down again. She conceded and immediately turned away from him, returning her hand next to her ear, pulling her hair toward her cheek as a shield. He said he would be right back, but she didn't care. When the door shut, she felt more tears come. She had nearly fallen asleep when she heard a noise. She looked up and saw a dark figure approach her. She jumped and sat up defensively. "Here, take a look, Scully." Mulder was holding a mirror to her face. Her breath quickened and panic set in. She couldn't look. She wouldn't. "No." "Scully, just look, and you'll see. See that you don't look any different except for a few bruises." He was sure once she looked it would be better. He needed to bring her back to reality. Back to him. Even if she hated him. At least she would be Scully. "I said NO Mulder!" she screamed and began to thrash about. She grabbed the mirror from him and threw it clear across the room, sending it into the wall to shatter over the floor. Shatter into thousands of irreparable pieces. Ruined. She cried uncontrollably now. Mulder tried desperately to console her, but she only yelled at him to stop, to leave her alone and continued to thrash at him. "What the hell is going on in here?" The nurse yelled when she entered the room. Before Scully was even aware, a doctor and two nurses were in the room, holding her down, one of them sticking a needle in her arm. And Mulder was leaving. She reached toward him to make him stay. "Mul...Mul.."she tried to call to him, but he was gone before he could hear her. part 2 Sunday 8:00 a.m. "Dana? Dana honey it's me? Can you see me? Are you awake?" "Mmm...wha?" She pried open her heavy lids. She felt empty. Like she had no life left in her body and her head felt as though it was filled with cement. "Mulder?" He was gone. Where? "No, it's mom. Honey, how are you feeling?" "Mmm...drunk, dizzy," she sighed. Her mother took a seat beside her on the bed. She held Scully's hand, at least it seemed that she'd done that. "Mom?" "Yes?" "Why do they...why do they keep putting depressants into me?" "Uh, Dana, sweetheart, Dr. Lacuesta is here. He wants to talk with you." Talk? What the hell for? All she wanted was to sleep again. And she wanted Mulder back in the room with her. Where had he gone anyway? He promised he'd stay. He'd promised. "Mom, I don't want Dr. Lacuesta here, I want Mulder back here. Why did he..." She stopped when weakness began to overtake her. "Ms. Scully, how are you?" She wished people would stop asking her that same goddam question every other fucking second. She felt like shit, looked like shit. Oh, God, I look like shit... "Dana, honey, we wanted you to show you; show you that there isn't anything wrong with your face. That that... woman...she didn't ruin your face." "I don' wanna look, mom. Don' wanna." She heard the doctor ask her several yes or no questions about how she was feeling and if she wanted to talk about anything. That was a definite no. She wasn't telling anybody. "Okay, Dana, I'm going to put a mirror in your hand. You can keep your eyes shut for as long as you want. I just want you to hold it." Scully could now feel her body because it was shaking from the inside out. No! We are bigger than this. Stronger. It's just a mirror. A mirror. All you have to do is hold it in your hand. She felt her mother take her left hand and place the handle of a mirror in it. "Okay, Dana? You've got it in your hand now. You have control." Mom was right. She had control in the situation. She had a choice to look or not. She could look. She would. She opened her eyes slowly and peered cautiously into the glass. Normal. She looked like herself. No burns, no abrasions. Just a few cuts, like Mulder had told her. Mulder had told her that and still she lashed out at him. Like a lunatic. Like Jane "Mom. I...I don't..." Tears fell down her cheek and she felt her mother embrace her. "Dana," she said into her ear. "You need to tell someone." xxxxxx 10 am Mulder woke in a daze to see two large figures hovering over him. His eyes eventually focused and he remembered where he was. He realized he must have fallen asleep here at some point last night, in the little chair outside Scully's room. The nurse had thrown him out after the mirror smashing incident and he'd been sitting out there all night. The figures standing before him were Charlie and Bill Scully. Charlie was tapping him on the shoulder to wake him and Bill was glaring at him with barely concealed disgust. For the first time in a long time, Mulder thought about what he must look like. He hadn't shaved in about a week and he'd been wearing the same clothes for days. He could barely remember what a shower felt like. He realized he probably looked and smelled more like a bum than an FBI agent. And that that's exactly how Bill Scully was looking at him, as if he were a bum living in a garbage dumpster. But with less pity and more hatred. "Mulder, we're gonna go in and see Dana for a bit. Do you wanna join us?" That was, of course, Charlie. Mulder heard Bill grumble something under his breath about last night and he realized the doctor must have told them about what had happened. He shook his head sadly. "I can't." Charlie crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. "What do you mean you can't? Come on man, get up." He gestured his head towards Scully's door. "I mean that I can't. I'll just upset her again. The doctor threw me out." He wished they would both go away and leave him alone because he was starting to get choked up thinking about it all again. The last thing he needed was for Bill Scully to see him fall apart. But Charlie wouldn't give up. He grabbed Mulder's elbow and tugged on it. "Give me a break, Mulder. Come on..." "No! Don't you understand? She doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want me to see her. I can't." Bill rolled his eyes at Charlie. "He's right. Let's just go." He gave Mulder a final glare and stalked into Scully's room. Charlie started to follow him and then looked back at Mulder. "Don't let him win." "I ca..." "Just don't. No matter what." xxxxxx "Mulder?" she called and forced her eyes open. Through a haze she saw a man's body standing over her. "Hey, Dana. S'me, Bill. You look awful," he said, laughing at her. "Where's Mulder?" she insisted, trying to make the area around Bill come into focus. "Mulder...Mulder's supposed to be there-here. Where did you put him?" "He's not here right now, Dana. But I am. So's Charlie." She peered at his smile. It was the smuggest look she'd ever seen. He's done something with Mulder. He'd better bring him back here. Mulder was the only one who would help her, save her. "Fuck-off, Bill," she yelled. "Get Mulder now, goddammit! Where did you put him, Bill? WHERE? YOU NEED TO GET HIM HERE!" She turned her head to the side to see a dark-haired tall blur. Mom? Mulder, maybe? No, Charlie. Charlie. I love Charlie. He'll find Mulder. "Where is he, Charlie?" she asked, her voice desperate. "You've got to get him here for me, Charlie. Now! Now, dammit." "Okay, Dana, okay, I'll get him for you. Just relax. He's just outside." She grabbed his hand and pulled. "He's supposed to be here. He said he'd stay here." She saw Charlie move to the door and shout something frantically. It sounded like "Get your fucking ass in here now dammit!" but Charlie wouldn't talk to Mulder that way. Would he? "Scully?" Thank God, he's still here. Thank God. "Mulder? Oh Mulder." She saw him move toward her in slow motion in a blur not unlike the forms her brothers had taken on. But she knew it was him. Thank God. When he took her hand, she pulled him down to her and grabbed him around the neck. "You weren't supposed to go away, Mulder. You said you'd stay. I need you to stay." "Okay, okay, I'm here. Can I grab the chair?" She nodded so he sat down beside her. He was glad that she'd been calling for him but also afraid. Had she forgotten last night? She was so inconsistent. It just wasn't like her. "Mulder...I saw...I looked. They made me look. I'm sorry Mulder..." She drifted off and he saw tears starting to trail down her face. She did remember. That was a good sign. "Who made you look Scully?" "The doctor. My mom. They showed me my face. I'm so sorry." He took her hand again and wiped her cheek with his free hand. "Shh...it's okay." "It's not...I was so awful to you. Mulder, it's not!" She jerked up to a sitting position and her expression was frantic again. "Hey, no, shh..." He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him. She was sobbing against his shoulder and he started rocking her, trying to calm her. He knew she had to be as terrified by her loss of control as he had been. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Charlie nudge Bill and nod towards the door. He hoped Bill would listen but knew in his heart that he wouldn't. After what had happened it didn't seem like Bill would want him alone with his sister ever again. "I...I don't know why...I didn't...God, I'm so sorry.." She was panting and choking on her tears as she tried to get out the words. He pulled back a little and took her face in his hands, forcing her to look into his eyes. "It's okay, Scully. It's okay." She took a deep breath and seemed to calm down a little. He kissed her forehead gently for a long moment. Then he remembered Bill and Charlie were still in the room and pulled back self- consciously. "Hey, you were drugged," he joked and she smiled. She actually smiled. And his heart lifted and soared and he forgot about everyone and everything else. He made her smile. It was the first time since he'd found her that he'd seen that beautiful expression. And then, even more stupendously, she laughed. It was a short laugh, more of a snort than anything else, but it was the most amazing sound he'd ever heard. She was so gorgeous, so perfect. He realized with a pang in his heart that he needed to tell her. That she needed to know exactly how perfect she was. "Scully, I hope that you know that it wouldn't matter to me. I mean if she'd done what you thought she had to your face, it wouldn't matter to me. I hope that you'd still want me to look at you." He heard a heavy sigh behind him and turned around. Bill was still there, scowling at him, but Charlie had left. He realized his hands had drifted down to Scully's neck and shoulders and he almost pulled them away. But it seemed to be comforting her, and that was more important than Bill's judgments. He turned back to her and saw that she was still smiling. She nodded. "I know. I mean...I should have known...I know that you would still be here and that you'd be my friend..." "No, Scully..." She still didn't understand. He leaned in as close as he could to her face without actually kissing her and whispered, "That's not what I mean. I mean that's all true but what I mean is that no matter what happens Scully, to me...you'll always be the most beautiful woman. In the world." She swallowed and her eyes watered up again. But she was still smiling that perfect smile. "Th...thank you." she choked out. She looked happy. Finally, finally he'd done the right thing. They were both silent for a few minutes, just staring at each other and grinning. "Mulder..." "Yeah?" "You're smelly." He laughed and nodded. "Pretty observant Agent Scully." "Go home Mulder, go home and take a bath or something. Stinkin up the place..." She leaned back against the pillows again and waved her hand in front of her nose for emphasis. "Scully, I don't wanna leave you..." "Mulder go, I'll be fine. So sleepy...please go, just take care of yourself for a little bit. Please." Her eyes drifted shut and she seemed to be falling back asleep. She muttered, "Please" again and he nodded. "Okay Scully. But I'll be back real soon." He took her hand and lifted it to his mouth. He placed a lingering kiss on her palm under Bill Scully's irritated gaze and left. xxxxxx 5:45 PM Charlie took his mother into his sister's room. He watched her face as she viewed Scully's, all bruised and scarred. Her look went from sad, to concerned, then almost angered in a matter of moments. She moved to stand on Scully's right and he took a seat in what had become Mulder's chair. After a few minutes, Scully stirred and woke slowly. She saw Charlie first, trying to make him come into focus. He watched her eyes brighten as much as the swelling on her face would allow. He returned it with a smile. "Hey, jailbird," she said with a groggy voice, "You go AWOL?" He took her hand and chuckled a little. "No, believe it or not, I'm on leave. Really. How do you feel?" "Sore. Tired. Where-do you know if Mulder is here?" Charlie reminded her that Mulder had followed her orders and left for home. "Aren't you hungry, sweetheart? You've hardly touched your dinner." "Hey, mom," Scully turned and greeted her mother. "No, I'm fine. Not really hungry." Maggie smiled at her and ran a hand through Scully's hair. She shook her head. "What...what kind of person..." "An extremely sick one. One who had many serious emotional problems." "So that gives her the right to do this to you?" Scully sighed. "No, no it doesn't," she said. "But that's why she'll get the help she needs now." "Help?" Maggie crossed her arms and turned away. "She ought to be locked up for life. People like that don't deserve to get *help*." "Mom," Charlie stopped her from going on a tirade. "Do we need to bother Dana with all of this right now?" Their mother took a deep breath and spoke quickly and nervously. "It's just that I...I can't help but wonder a lot of times that if you'd never...," she trailed off. "Mom? If I'd never what?" "Nevermind, Charlie's right. Let's not talk about it now. You need to get better first." "No, mom, just say it. What difference does it make when?" Her mother sighed again and Scully felt Charlie squeeze her hand at that moment, transferring his support. "Dana, I can appreciate that you place great deal of importance on your job. I know you feel that it is the most significant part of your life. But sweetheart, that's it exactly, you may not *have* a life anymore if you stay doing what you're doing. If you stay with..." "Mom, what is it exactly that you are suggesting?" She felt Charlie's other hand on her forearm now. "Are saying I should quit working with Mulder?" "Mom, let's not, let's not right now," Charlie begged. He knew perfectly well what his mother was thinking. It seemed that anytime he ever talked to her anymore, the conversation led back to whether or not Dana should be doing the work she does. And especially the role that Mulder played in all of it. "I just refuse to outlive another one of my children," she said in a shaky voice. "Well, if you're waiting for me to agree with you, don't. It's just not...It won't happen, mom. Scully turned to look at Charlie. With a look, he offered her strength and compassion and for a split second she realized how much like Mulder he was. Scully felt Charlie squeeze her arm and hand again, this time gently holding it. He could feel her shaking. He stared his mother down a moment, willing her in his mind to not continue with this "Well, I can't get anywhere when the two of you gang up against me like this. I never could." She sighed yet again and added, "What is most important now is your recovery." "I agree," Scully said. "Really, you guys, I'm not that bad, just a little weak, that's all." "That's all?" Charlie questioned. "Yes." Charlie looked at his mother and she gave him a knowing nod. She was pushing it away, just like she'd done all her life with situations like this, situations where she felt powerless. She'd play it off like they didn't matter. Almost reading Charlie's thoughts, Scully offered a plausible explanation. "When you first are taken off iv it takes a while to get used to eating solids. The pain medication can really suppress the appetite as well as interfering with normal sleep patterns." Charlie nodded slowly and their mother squeezed her hand. "I'm fine. I'll be fine. Everything's under control. Thank you for your concern." "Well," Maggie Scully said, "Let's let you rest a while." "I'll be with you in second, mom," Charlie told her as she left the room. He turned back to Scully and smiled. "Thank you, Charlie. For everything. For what you did for me...for Mulder. Just, thanks." He bent down and kissed her head. "S'why I'm here." "What do you think?" He smiled. "A really great guy, Dana. Really great. He cares for you deeply. Deeply." Scully felt a warmth pass through her and then an extreme longing. She could barely wait for his return. In fact she felt herself becoming more and more ill at ease with him gone so long. She sent her love to Charlie's family as he left the room. She turned on the television and proceeded to blindly flip through all 79 channels, over and over. 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 12, 13, 16, 17, 18, 21...Soon she knew nothing else but the numbers flashing by at the corner of the television. Anything to clear her head so she wouldn't think. So she couldn't remember. xxxxxx 6:25 PM Mulder half walked, half jogged down the hall towards Scully's room. He was in much better spirits than he'd been in a long time. He'd done as she'd requested of him and gone home for a few agonizing hours. Long enough to shower, shave, brush his teeth, change from his filthy T-shirt and jeans into a much more respectable pair of jeans and a white dress shirt, and put on a bit of the cologne that seemed to make Scully smile when she sniffed it in the air. He wanted to make her smile again. He wanted to look and smell and just BE perfect for her. He wanted to make the night special. Something to make her forget that she was lying in a hospital bed, to help her let go of the reason she was there, and, he supposed, he wanted to make up for the way he'd treated her before this whole thing had started. He wanted to give her the night he should have given her in the first place and to apologize for what she'd gotten instead. Something fun. And normal. God, how they both needed something normal again. She seemed to be feeling better. True, she was still a little out of it from the drugs but she'd been more coherent and like herself this morning than he'd seen her in a long time. She'd smiled. She'd laughed. She'd had a somewhat normal conversation with him. He took these all as good signs and indication that it was time to start her recovery. The first step was to make her feel safe and happy and comfortable. He knew she hated hospital food, fluorescent lights, the antiseptic smell, all the things that reminded her that she wasn't in her home but in a cold, sterile institution. He wanted to make that better for her, if only for a little while. Scented candles, a CD player with some of her favorite classical music, and her absolute favorite meal and chicken lo mein from their regular Chinese restaurant might do the trick. He just hoped she wouldn't see his accouterments as another lame attempt at seduction. He just wanted her to have a decent meal for a change. She was so skinny. And so was he for that matter. Neither of them had enjoyed a good dinner for a long long time. The smell from the bag was making his mouth water by the time he reached her door. He knocked lightly on the door and was happy and surprised to hear her call out "come in" in a clear, cheerful voice. He opened the door to find her sitting up in her bed watching CNN, her eyes fully focused and a smile on her face. "Hey, look at you." He chuckled self consciously. "Look at me? Look at you. You seem to be feeling a lot better." "Just less drugged out." She looked down at her feet and he could sense that she was a bit embarrassed about the way she'd been acting. He took that as another good sign, an indication that she was coming back to him. "What's in the bag Mulder?" He grinned in a self-satisfied way and started pulling out his surprises. First he placed the CD player on the shelf by the window and turned on some low music. Then he took out the candles and put them on the shelves. "Mulder what is all this? You can't have candles in a hosp..." "Shh...I won't tell if you don't." She smiled. He lit the candles and turned off the bright overhead light. He stopped and looked at her for a second, overcome at how beautiful she looked in candlelight. He turned away and flipped off the television set, hoping to distract himself momentarily. "I've got a little surprise for you Scully." He was practically bursting out of his skin with excitement. "Oh really? What kind of..." Her expression changed suddenly as he moved closer to her and sat on the side of the bed. She looked tense and he worried for a moment that she thought he was coming on to her again. "Mulder, what's that smell?" "I did just shower Scully. It can't be that bad yet.." "No, it....it smells...I..." With flourish and ceremony he removed the white carton from the bag. "Ta dah! Is this the smell to which you were referring?" He expected a smile big enough to match his own but her only response was a mute nod. "It's lo mien noodles Scully! From that place down the street from me." He opened the carton and pushed it towards her to show her the contents. "See!" She nodded again and smiled weakly. He could have sworn she pulled back a little bit and that there was a trace of panic on her face. But that didn't make any sense. Why would Chinese food make her panic? Certainly she'd be happy to eat something real, something familiar for a change. He figured he must have been imagining it. The way the candles were flickering, it could have distorted his vision a little. He pulled the set of chopsticks from the bag and sunk them into the noodles. She'd finally managed to teach him how to use the damn things a few months ago and he wanted to show off a little bit. "They're for us Scully. I thought we could share them. For dinner. Ya know?" For some reason he felt like he was speaking a foreign language to her. Her eyes were wide and she wasn't responding at all. He thought of his earlier mistake with the mirror and wondered briefly if he was doing something equally idiotic. But that wasn't possible was it? "Did you have dinner already Scully?" She shook her head quickly. He wondered if maybe she was afraid to eat. If she thought it would make her sick after being starved for so long. But even a few bites would be enough to get her started on a normal diet. "Well dig in then." He wrapped some noodles around the chopsticks, just the way she'd taught him, and even managed to get a piece of meat in there. "I didn't eat any of the chicken either so I don't wanna hear any complaints." He held the chopsticks up and moved the food towards her face. He didn't know if she'd resent being fed by him but she didn't seem to be making any move to do it herself. Maybe her arm was causing her some difficulties. "Want some Scully?" "I...I don't...not really hungry..." She shook her head and backed impossibly further into the pillows. He shrugged and stuffed the food into his mouth. God, it really was good. She needed to taste this. As soon as she tasted it, it would be okay. She'd want to stuff her face. He certainly did. "Mmmm, this is great Scully. You don't know what you're missing." He dunked the chopsticks back into the carton and got some more for her. "Come on Scully. Give it a try. Just a little." "I...I can't...I..." "Sure you can Scully. It'll be fine. It's not gonna hurt you to have a little." He moved the carton and the chopsticks closer to her face. "Come on Scully, open the hatch and let the plane in." He started making airplane noises which, he realized, were completely moronic. She opened her mouth a fraction and he took the opportunity to excitedly stuff a piece of chicken and a bunch of noodles inside. He'd taken it as an invitation. But once again, he realized almost immediately, he'd misread her completely. part 3 As soon as the food was inside her mouth her lips twisted into a grimace of disgust. She made a muffled gagging sound and instead of swallowing, spit the food onto the bed sheets. "Scully...what..." Without realizing it he moved the carton even closer to her. She whimpered and tears started streaming down her face. "Scully, God, what is it?" He moved still closer and reached to stroke her face with his free hand. She bit her lip and he heard her gasping. "Why are you crying Scully?" He whispered frantically. "What's happening?" "Get it away from me!" she cried out and, with her good arm, struck the carton from his hand, sending its contents into Mulder's face, onto his jeans, the floor, the bed, virtually everywhere. Mulder sat speechless and unmoving, mouth hanging agape, for a long time. He told himself, begged himself not to cry. Not now. Not in front of her. She needed him to be strong. Strong dammit. But he felt sobs of confusion and helplessness barely restrained in his throat. What in God's name was happening to her? And how had he managed to screw things up so royally yet again? She'd been fine before he came in here. Completely and utterly fine. His attempt to cheer her up had been pointless and obviously utterly counter-productive. Somehow, he'd managed to throw her back into despair. "Mulder...I...God, I don't know why..." Her voice broke and she buried her face in her hands. She seemed as confused by her actions as he was. She let out a miserable moan and he reached out to hold her. Then he remembered he was covered in gunk and stopped himself. "What in the world..." They both turned to see an irate nurse standing in the doorway. She flicked on the light and surveyed the scene, fixing Mulder with a nasty glare. She blew out the candles angrily. "Sir, you're going to have to leave now so that I can clean up this mess. And please, don't bring candles in here again." Scully looked up and shook her head. "He doesn't...he didn't..." Mulder shrugged and offered a the best attempt at a smile he could muster. "It's okay. I...I should go. Um, maybe we try pizza next time." He tried not to wince when he saw the nurse stick another needle in Scully's arm, then he turned and left. xxxxxx Charlie rolled his eyes in frustration at his daughter. They were having an old argument concerning where Pele would stay when he and Rena went on vacation. His vote was with grandma, hers was alone in the house. It was a tiresome exercise and not something he felt like dealing with at the moment. "Honey look, we're here to visit aunt Dana okay, let's just drop this for the time being and give her some peace." He was distracted from the issue by an unusual sight as they approached his sister's room. A man was walking down the hall towards them, covered in brown noodles. For a second Charlie was afraid it was a patient who'd wandered out of the psyche ward. As he got closer though, he realized it was Mulder. "Mulder? Is that you? What the hell happened to you man?" Mulder wiped a noodle out of his eye and Charlie snorted. What a ridiculous picture he made. But it only took a moment to see that Mulder was not amused. In fact it looked like he was about to cry. "I don't think your sister likes Chinese food much." Pele giggled and Charlie shushed her. It wasn't funny anymore. "Dana did that?" "I don't know what to do anymore, Charlie. Everything is wrong..." He broke off and angrily shook his head. "I've gotta get out of here. Just being here is hurting her." Charlie groaned inwardly. He knew Mulder's presence was the only thing keeping Dana even remotely relaxed and comfortable. "Mulder no. Don't leave. She needs you here." "Needs me? Are you fucking serious?" He demanded furiously. Then he glanced at Pele as if it were the first time he'd noticed her and cleared his throat. "Excuse me." Pele just shrugged and grinned. "Yes I am serious. She doesn't feel safe unless you're around." "Charlie, I don't have any idea what she feels. All I know is every time I go anywhere near her, she ends up feeling a thousand times worse." He sounded like a whiny little boy to Charlie and for a minute he was irritated. But he looked so pathetic, it was hard to stay angry. "Look Mulder, just go clean up or something. I wanna talk to you about all this but I can't even look you in the eye cause it's covered in noodles." Mulder shrugged helplessly and muttered "whatever" as he slunked off to the bathroom. xxxxxx 7:45 p.m. When he returned, Mulder found that Charlie was gone and his daughter was sitting alone on the couch outside Scully's room. He felt a little less idiotic now that he'd cleaned up a bit but he still felt on the verge of some kind of outburst. Crying or shouting or kicking a hole in the wall. Maybe all three. The last thing he needed was for a thirteen year old kid to get caught in that. He smiled and started to walk past her but she called out to him. "Mister Mulder, my dad went to look for my mom. He said to tell you to wait here for him so you guys could talk." "Oh..." He looked around for another place to sit. There really wasn't anywhere except the small couch Pele was sitting on. He sat down on the opposite corner. Mulder glanced across the couch at the girl next to him. He was uncertain as to what exactly to say to her. He'd never been particularly comfortable with adolescent girls. They were the only type of children he was terrible at dealing with. He wasn't sure if it was because they reminded him of Samantha or because they reminded him of his lame attempts at finding a girlfriend when he was that age. Either way, he was often at a loss with them. And this girl was not your typical adolescent. This girl bore little if any resemblance to the child Charlie had presented in that picture taken just last year. She had the black curly hair and the delicate features but this girl looked more woman than child. She wasn't even wearing any make-up as far as Mulder could tell but she still managed to look about eighteen years old. The way she was dressed certainly didn't help. Mulder wouldn't have gone so far as to call her appearance slutty but she sure was uninhibited with her body. She had a grace and total lack of awkwardness completely inconsistent with her age. He remembered Charlie's words about his daughter and wondered if Scully had been so blessed. He glanced over at her to find her staring openly back at him. He grinned and waved at her stupidly. "How ya doing?" Her face lit up and she scooted a little closer to him. "I'm fine. How are you...Agent Mulder?" "Just Mulder's fine." Her smile grew even wider. He could swear that she batted her eyelashes at him but he told himself he was imagining things. She was just a kid for crap's sake. "So, you work for the FBI with aunt Dana right?" "Yeah that's right." "Must be really...exciting." Her voice lowered a bit in tone and he felt a strange inexplicable reaction. She sounded a lot like Scully. A lot. "Um...sometimes. I guess you could call it exciting." "Dangerous, huh?" She licked her lips and crossed her leg in his direction. Her skirt was damned short. And he realized that he was not imagining things at all. "Uh...sometimes." "I think it would be really thrilling, especially the kind of work you guys do. I find parapsychology absolutely fascinating." He couldn't help the way his jaw dropped. This girl could not be thirteen. There was no way in hell. "Oh really?" She nodded and moved an inch or two closer. "Yeah, I think the work you do is just amazing." He was really starting to wish she had a different voice. If he closed his eyes he could almost imagine it was Scully sitting here talking to him. As if Scully would ever flirt with anyone so shamelessly. He told himself that she wouldn't but Charlie's stupid story kept coming back to haunt him. She leaned in a little closer and he felt her tiny fingers curl around his bicep. "You must work out a lot. Is that cause of the job or just for fun?" He pulled his arm away gently and scooted a little further down the couch. "It's uh...I don't...." He cursed himself mentally. He was actually blushing. And stuttering. "Mulder?" "Yeah?" He was almost afraid. How had he let a child reduce him to an embarrassed, speechless dufus in the span of five minutes? He supposed it wasn't helping that she'd met him at such a vulnerable moment. He felt like a jack-ass to begin with. "Can I see your gun?" She whispered the request conspiratorially, as if they were hatching a plan to ditch school and smoke a joint under the bleachers or something. "Uh...I guess..." He reached into his holster and pulled the weapon out, holding it for her to see. He kept his hand over the trigger and checked that the safety was on. "Wow." She gasped and stroked the barrel with her fingers. "It's so...big." Good God. Dear God in heaven. Scully could not have been this way. No thirteen year old could be this way. He supposed he was old fashioned but kids this age were supposed to be collecting Barbies and worshipping people named Corey in Teen magazines. "Ugh...Pele..." He was alarmed to find his voice was cracking. She moved over until she was pressed up against his side. She was still running her hands over his gun. He swiped it and put it back in the holster. "Yes, Mulder?" She looked up at him with her big Scully like lips partially opened like she was fucking waiting for him to kiss her or something. Where had this kid come from? And then he realized something truly disturbing. She could have come from his own imagination. He thought back to that night with Charlie, with the damn picture and his sick fantasies about an adolescent Scully. It had seemed perverted to him even at the time but now that he was actually presented with the image he'd conjured he realized it was beyond perverted. It was disgusting. "You're kinda young to be playing with guns, don't you think?" "Oh, I have one at home. Not as nice as that one, though." He assumed she was talking about a bebe gun like Scully had owned when she was a kid. The one her brothers had gotten her. He hoped that was what she was talking about anyway. "So, um...Pele, do you know any boys your own age?" It was the only thing he could think of in terms of a hint. She made a disgusted face, wrinkled her nose and raised her damn eyebrow. "Of course I do but they're so immature and boring. Nothing interesting to say, no real life experience. I'll bet you have lots of interesting stories don't you Mulder?" He was pressed against the armrest at the end of the sofa now. There was nowhere left to go. He looked around nervously, hoping someone would come and save him. He wished that his cell phone would ring and interrupt this bizarre scene but the only one who ever called him was Scully. "Well, not really, no. Nothing that would interest anyone normal, anyway." "Oh, I'm not normal, Mulder. Not at all. Normal means dull to me. Will you tell me a story about work? What's the most dangerous assignment you've ever been on?" He had to hand it to the kid, she knew what she was doing. True, every word out of her mouth was a cliché, but there was a reason for that. The lines were overused because they worked. Not many men could resist glorifying themselves and their "manly" attributes. Mulder felt a sudden and overwhelming concern for this girl. How many men had she tried this routine on? How many of them had known, as Mulder did, how old she really was? How many of them had been desperately in love with her aunt and totally repulsed by the idea of taking advantage of her? "You don't wanna hear about that. I..." "Do you have a girlfriend Mulder?" That was a hell of a question. He didn't have a clue how to answer it. "You must have tons." "Um...not really no." Wrong answer. She moved in, impossibly closer and ran her foot over his calf. "I can't imagine why." "Oh, you know, probably because of my nose, I try not to take it personally." He laughed nervously. She was not amused by his attempt at humor. She suddenly looked very serious. "You have a wonderful nose. Your face has so much character. And besides, you know what they say about men with big noses..." "Pele!" Mulder let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Charlie was here to save him. "Pele, go find your mother and leave the nice man alone!" She glared at her father and rolled her eyes at Mulder in a frighteningly familiar way and stood up. "But dad..." she whined. "No buts. She's waiting for you downstairs in the lobby. She's gonna take you back to grandma's." Pele wrinkled her nose and stuck out her tongue. "I'm sick of grandma." "Yeah yeah, we all are. Just get down there." Pele sighed heavily and started towards the elevator. Before the doors opened she turned back and waved. "Bye, Mulder. It was really nice to talk to you." Mulder fidgeted and muttered something unintelligible and she disappeared. Charlie shook his head and turned to Mulder. "Sorry about that. I hope she didn't bother you." Mulder shrugged. He wasn't sure how to respond to that. She hadn't really bothered him. Just reminded him how twisted he was inside. No wonder he couldn't help Scully. She knew what he was. Whether she'd admit it or not, she was probably as afraid of him as she was of Jane. "She's um...a very interesting kid." Charlie snorted and sat down. "Interesting's one way of putting it, I guess. I dunno, I think she's gonna give me a heart attack before I hit forty. I don't know what the hell to do about it anymore, ya know? I don't wanna be a tyrant like dad but it's like, what the fuck else do you do? Her mind is just too damn old for her body." Mulder wished he could offer some sage parental advice but he had no clue how to deal with horny teen aged daughters. He had enough trouble dealing with himself. "What does her mother think?" Charlie shrugged. "Same thing I do really. We try to give her as much freedom as we can without letting her run wild but there are times when we both feel like locking her in her room and sticking a chastity belt on her. And she's at that age where she won't even talk to Rena anymore so that's kind of frustrating for her." He sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair. "This is another issue entirely though, it's not what I wanted to talk to you about." Mulder shifted self-consciously. He knew what Charlie wanted to talk about and he had no desire to discuss it at all. "I think we need to talk about Dana." He paused and regarded Mulder apprehensively. "I don't think she's getting better. I mean, I think there's more wrong than we first thought." "No...she, she was fine. When I went in there before, and even this morning, she was better. She's getting better. She's fine. It's just me." Charlie rolled his eyes and sighed. "Mulder, that's just not true. Her doctor told me today that she hasn't been eating at all. She's not gaining any weight or getting any of her strength back and she's not talking to anybody about what happened. She refuses to talk with a psychologist..." "She doesn't need a psychologist. There's nothing wrong with her. All she needs is for me to leave her alone." "Are you listening to me at all? She's not getting better! Her body is not recovering. Her mental state is not improving. There's something really wrong. She should be almost ready to leave the hospital by now. But she's not, they don't wanna let her leave because if she got out of bed, she'd fall the fuck down. Are you getting this?" Mulder winced and closed his eyes. He didn't want to believe this. It was so much easier to blame her odd behavior on himself than to think that something was seriously wrong with her. "Why hasn't anybody told me all this?" "I dunno, I guess cause you're not family in their eyes. But I'm telling you because I think you're the only one who can help her. You're the only one she listens to." "Now you're the one not getting it, Charlie. I'm trying to help her. That's all I've been doing. It's not working. She's afraid of me." "No she's not. Why would she be afraid of you?" Mulder stared blankly at the wall for a moment. Charlie didn't know. He didn't understand. He had no idea what Mulder had done to his sister. Mulder didn't relish the idea of filling him in on the details. "She just is. And she's not gonna want to talk to me about this any more than anyone else." "Well, that part might be true. But she doesn't want you to think she can't handle things. She's very worried about you thinking that she's weak or helpless." Mulder nodded sadly. She'd never let him see when she needed help, when she was scared or sad. "Well, at least try to get her to talk to someone else, a therapist or her doctor or...I dunno, anybody." "I...I'll try I guess," Mulder agreed. But in his heart, he felt that she would be doing a lot better if he wasn't involved in the situation at all. xxxxxx Tuesday 1:30 PM Rena Scully led her son by the hand into Scully's room. She leaned down to Charlie Jr. and cautioned him to remain quiet when she saw Dana asleep. The man at Dana's side she could only assume was the infamous Mulder. He was sitting in a chair directly next to the bed, hovering over her, one hand holding Dana's, the other running through her hair in a steady rhythm. His look was fraught with both concern and intense admiration. Charlie Jr. sighed and woke Mulder from his trance. He looked slightly confused and perhaps even a bit self-conscious as he smiled and greeted Rena. "Mr. Mulder?" Rena presumed and offered her hand. "I'm Rena Scully." "Yeah, yes. Charlie's wife. I recognize the both of you from his picture of you." She smiled and nodded as he shook her hand. "Please, you can just call me Mulder." Rena smiled and looked down at Dana, who was breathing very shallow as she slept. "How is she?" Mulder sighed and looked at Dana as well. "She's okay, her arm is healing and all but-" he sighed and broke off again. Dana twitched and moaned in her sleep. Mulder ran his hand over her face and through her hair again which seemed to calm her. He was extremely worried about her emotional state, that was an impression Rena was receiving more than clearly. She didn't even have to ask what he'd stopped himself from saying just now. Along with that impression, she also got the strong feeling that he was carrying an intense guilt for what had happened to Dana. For many things that had happened to her. He kept his eyes on Dana now. "You know that's the best thing you could be doing for her right now." Upon Rena's comment, Mulder's eyebrows raised and his eyes looked up slightly toward her, yet he still didn't lift his head completely. "Touching her like that. Speaking softly while she sleeps. There's no better therapy than that of the human touch. Especially that of a loving one." He grinned sadly and finally looked up at her again. He sighed and said quietly, "Thanks. Thanks a lot." Rena knew from what Charlie had told her about this man that he needed all of the encouragement he could get. Especially where their family was concerned. Like she herself, Mulder wasn't being welcomed with open arms to the Scully family, either. But he seemed to take it much more personally than she ever did. For a moment she was going to reassure him, let him know that none of this was his fault, but she held her tongue instead. He needed to concentrate his full efforts on Dana's recovery. That would truly be the only way she would or could get better. Out of the silence of the room, Mulder asked quietly, "Do you think...do you think she'll ever be the same again?" Rena wasn't sure how to answer him honestly. That wasn't up to her. Instead she asked him, "Do you believe she will?" He looked up and directly at her now, his eyes seemingly full of disbelief at her question. "Mulder, I think-" "...wriggled and jiggled and squiggled inside her..." Charlie Jr. had apparently grown tired of this visit and chosen to entertain himself with the plastic action figures he'd carried with him. He was his happy self, singing a recently learned song that he had succeeded in driving their household mad with as of late by repeating it over and over. "Charles, not so loud, love," Rena requested firmly. The boy did not formally acknowledge his mother, but continued his song at a loud whisper. "..she swallowed the fly...no, wait...she swallowed the horse to get the doggie, to get the spider that wriggled and jiggled and giggled inside of her..." Both Rena and Mulder could but help but chuckle at him as he pressed on with his own rendition of the song. "Seems like a good kid," Mulder complimented. Rena smiled proudly. "He really is befitting of his name. He *is* my little Charlie. Took on all of his father's best qualities." As they both watched the boy play, they did not notice at first how Scully had begun to toss in her sleep, much more heavily than before. It wasn't until she began to moan loudly that their attentions were redirected. "Shhh, Scully, you're okay, you're okay. I'm right here with you." He spoke directly into her ear as he used both his hands to caress her face. But she would not be calmed. "No...please...don't. *Please*." "...I know a lady who swallowed a spider and it wriggled and wiggled and jiggled insider...," Charlie sang on in the background. Rena scolded him again for being so loud, but Charlie knew his mother's attentions were split at the moment, so he chose not to listen. He sang on. "..she swallowed the spider to catch the fly..." Scully tossed in the bed, her facial expression pained, her cheeks streaming now with tears. "Scully, I'm here. Scully-," Mulder called to her more desperately now. "No, please...can't.." She then coughed and hyperventilated, as though she were heaving. "...I don't know why the lady swallowed a fly..." Rena grabbed Charlie by the arm and yanked him to her side, firmly reminding him of her previous instruction. He giggled and finished the song despite his mother's order. "Perhaps she'll DIE!" "NO!" Scully flew up straight in the bed and screamed. "STOP IT STOP IT NO!!" Her eyes were wide open and she looked directly at Charlie as she yelled. "LET ME GO, DAMMIT!!" Little Charlie was frightened to death and immediately stuck out his bottom lip. He clung to his mothers hip and the tears began to fall. He hid his face. Scully herself was crying and shaking and it was more than obvious to both Rena and Mulder that she had not really seen Charlie there, that she'd actually still be caught in the midst of her nightmare. Rena picked up her sobbing child and carried him from the room. Mulder shook her and called her name. She finally woke and it took only an instant for her to realize what had happened. She looked to Mulder and collapsed in his arms. He held her tightly and tried his best to soothe her. "What the hell is wrong with me, Mulder?" she sobbed into his chest. "I'm so tired," she whispered. "When can I rest?" end part 3 Desideratum II: Found by Rachel Anton and Laura Blaurosen part 4/11 Tuesday 7:30 PM Mulder rubbed his eyes. It only occurred to him now how tired he was. And sore. The discomfort of sleeping in hospital chairs was catching up with him. His only thought in sleeping at the hospital was focused on Scully's comfort alone, not his own. He entered the waiting room that Scully's family had been inhabiting for the last several days. On one of the couches in the corner Rena slept on Charlie's shoulder. Charlie acknowledged Mulder sleepily and Mulder nodded. He was about to lay down on the other couch in the room, just for a minute or two, when he noticed Charlie Jr. on the floor, engrossed in Scooby Doo playing on the television. God, he looked like her. A lot. He looked a lot like his parents, too, but he resembled Scully in so many ways. The shape of his face, the arc of his eyebrows. Unlike his sister, though, Charlie Jr. had inherited his father's ocean blue eyes, the shade also shared by his aunt. Eyes which were now brimming with tears. Mulder looked back at the boy's parents. Both of them had fallen asleep now, Charlie snoring quietly as he unconsciously stroked his wife's silken black hair. Mulder pinched his eyes shut. Way to ruin their vacation and indirectly cause their child trauma. Could he possibly fuck up anyone else's life this week? He knew exactly how little Charlie was feeling. Only Charlie hadn't known any better. Mulder had. A picture of Scully's angry face came into Mulder's mind. She had been so right. Jane had manipulated him, playing on his every weakness. He never saw it coming. Scully had, though, and he had chose to ignore her again. No more, Scully, I promise. From now on he was going to listen. Godammit, if it killed him, he was going to listen to her every breath. He sat down next to Charlie on the floor. "You like Scooby?" Mulder asked. Charlie kept his eyes on the television and nodded quickly. "You know," Mulder said in attempt to distract him. "Your aunt Dana's always reminded me of Velma. "She's ugly," Charlie said quietly and inhaled sharply. "Yeah," Mulder chuckled quietly. "But she's the smart one, like Velma. Aunt Dana's always the one that solves our cases. Our mysteries." God, was that ever the truth. Mulder felt like crying. *Come back to me, Scully.* Charlie sucked his lips and the corners of his mouths were pulling his frown further downward. He took a quick sniffle and wiped an eye. Then he gasped and his chin quivered as a tear rolled down his cheek. It was obvious now to Mulder that he was trying to keep from crying. "Hey," Mulder said. "Hey, buddy, it's okay. Go ahead and cry if you wanna." He shook his head fiercely and rubbed his fists into both his eyes. "Can't. Not a'pposed to." "Not supposed to?" Mulder could hardly believe that Charlie and Rena would have taught him that. "Who said you're not supposed to cry?" He stuck his bottom lip out and sobbed. Wiping his nose he explained, "Uncle Bill. I was crying cause I feel real bad cause, cause I made aunt Dana all upset and she's real sick and," he could hardly talk anymore. "Uncle Bill said I'm a'posed to be a big boy and not a baby and I was being naughty cause I didn't listen to mommy and that I shouldin', I shouldin' cry!" He ended his story and the floodgates were opened. Mulder encouraged Charlie to lean into him and to Mulder's total surprise, the boy embraced him tightly around the waist. Rena stirred in her sleep and Mulder turned to regard her. Apparently satisfied her baby was not in danger, she relaxed into her husband's arms again. As Mulder felt his shirt becoming moist, he spoke to little Charlie quietly, "S'okay, Charlie. Let it out. Everybody should cry sometimes." "I diddin' mean ta make her sad. I diddin' know the song would hurt her and make her more sicker." He hiccuped the words out in between sobs. "I know you didn't, Charlie. I know." "I'm real real sorry." "I know you are." Mulder looked around for something to help make the boy feel better. "Hey, you wanna go get a coke or something?" Charlie pulled back and revealed his swollen, soaking-wet face. But there was a spark of happiness present in his eyes now. "Can I have my own can?" While they headed down to the closet of a room which held the vending machines, Charlie took hold of Mulder's hand as though it were the most natural thing in the world to him. Mulder thought he actually felt his heart swell. By the time they reached the room, Charlie was skipping. He jumped up and down in front of Mulder. "Can I put the money in? I wanna put the money in myself! Please?" Mulder put his hand behind the boy's left ear and produced a quarter. Charlie's eyes grew big and he gasped. As he was feeling behind that ear for more money, Mulder reached behind Charlie's right ear and found another quarter. "Wow!" was all he could say. "C'mere, kid," Mulder said as he lifted Charlie off the ground so he could reach the money slot. Charlie stuck the two quarters in and punched the Coke button hard, rejoicing quietly when he heard the can drop down. The two new friends sat at a round table in the room. Little Charlie took two giant gulps from his 'whole can' and Mulder marveled at how this simple thing was seeming to make the kid's day. And that Mulder had something to do with it; that made it all the better for Mulder. "Now don't tell your mom and dad I gave you that if you're not supposed to have it," Mulder kidded. "Mommy don't care. Mulder," he began but was interrupted by a burp. "S'cuse me. Mulder, do you think um, do you think I made aunt Dana worser?" He wasn't sure if he was entirely qualified to answer that question, as he had just been worrying about the same thing. Instead of answering, he made a suggestion. "Would you feel better if we went upstairs to apologize to aunt Dana?" Charlie looked frightened suddenly. He looked into the Coke can, head dropped low. "I don't wanna." Neither did Mulder. Finally somebody Mulder could relate to during all of this mess. Unfortunately the person was a five-year-old. Or maybe it wasn't so unfortunate. Either way it was starting to become clear to Mulder that Scully's brother had been right last night. Something was really wrong with Scully and it was more than just his own stupidity. "It's hard, I know how you feel. You feel Dumb. Embarrassed. Sorry. I feel the same way. I made your aunt Dana cry, too." "Really? You did? What did you do?" "Um..." he tried to formulate an explanation that a child might be able to understand. "I tried to give her some noodles to eat and they kind of scared her." If only that were the only thing he'd done. But he wasn't about to traumatize a five year old with stories of abductions and psychotic stalkers and rapist partners. Charlie screwed up his face. "The noodles did? That's silly. Who's afraid of noodles?" He started giggling and Mulder put his fingers to his lips. "Shh, I know it's hard to understand. I don't really understand it myself but for some reason she got scared. Just like when you were singing." Charlie took another swig from his coke and regarded Mulder with a thoughtful expression. "Uncle Mulder?" Mulder was startled to hear the boy call him Uncle and it took him a second to respond. "Um, yeah Charlie?" "Do ya think maybe she's scared of noodles cause of her bad dreams?" xxxxxx Scully felt for Mulder's hand in her sleep. Unable to find it, she woke with a sharp gasp. For a split second, she feared again that she was back at Jane's, that waking in Mulder's arms a while ago was really just another hallucination. Then she heard a voice. The voice of a young child. "Your turn, your TURN!" "Just a minute, Charlie. Your aunt Dana's waking up." "Uh-oh, I forgot to *whis-per*," the boy said in a whisper louder than the words he'd just spoken. The pair was now in focus to her. It was Mulder, sitting on the floor with Charlie's boy. A deck of cards was spread out on the tiles in a game of war. Mulder rose and sat down next to her on the bed. He leaned down and brushed some hair out of her face. "How are you?" he said in a low voice. She smiled a bit and said, "I see you've found someone else to play with while I'm out." Mulder look toward Charlie Jr. "Yeah, but he cheats way more than you do," he teased. "Do NOT!" Charlie insisted loudly. "Shh, boy," Mulder instructed. "You're gonna get us kicked out of here." He ruffled the child's hair as he climbed up onto the bed with them. Charlie crawled up the length of the bed to give his aunt a hug. "I love you, aunt Dana." His voice seemed sad to her. He kept his head buried on her shoulder for a while and soon Scully felt moisture there. "Charlie?" She looked up at Mulder with a question on her face. He shrugged and then instantly she remembered what had happened. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" "M'sorry," he sobbed into her body. "I didn't mean ta make you sad," he sniffled, "I'm a good boy, I didn't mean ta be naughty-oh..." He broke off and cried hard. Scully stroked his back with her good arm and pressed her cheek into his crown. "S'okay, Charlie," she whispered to him. "You are a good boy." She had tears in her own eyes now. "I just keep having really bad dreams, that's all. It's not your fault." She kissed his head. "Not your fault." "I'm not a baby," he whimpered. "No, you're not. You're a big boy. You're a wonderful boy. I love you very much." He pulled back and Scully beheld his red eyes, his tear-streaked cheeks. He sniffled twice. "I love you very much, too." "Good," she smiled. "You're not mad at me?" He asked one last time. She giggled through her nose, shaking her head. "No. You didn't do anything wrong, sweetie. You didn't know." He smiled and then leaned down to her face. "Kisses?" Scully laughed quietly again and conceded. "Kisses." "Mmmah!" he exclaimed as he pecked her on the mouth. "Mulder, hand me a Kleenex, would ya?" She asked of him quietly. Taking it from him, she said to Charlie, "C'mere so I can wipe your face." He happily obliged her, sitting still as she wiped up his tears and runny nose. "How'd you guys get up here, anyhow? It's way past visiting hours." Charlie pulled back. The thought of answering her question seemed to excite him, as sat up on his knees and took a deep breath. "Uncle Mulder brought me!" he revealed proudly. "Uncle Mulder?" she asked, looking at Mulder this time. He merely shrugged. Charlie nodded emphatically. "Yeah-yeah-yeah! We tried to sneak past the ladies at the um, counter-thing, but one of 'em said, "Hey, he can't go there." But uncle Mulder, said, hey," he stopped to move her face so that her gaze was on him instead of Mulder. "Aunt Dana, aunt Dana," he begged her attention, "Uncle Mulder, he um, said to that lady, "He's with me," and she was...she didn't care and um so uncle Mulder took out his badge-thing and said "Fox Mulder, FBI," and so, and so we got to come up here." Scully tried her hardest not to burst out in a laughing fit from the boy's recitation. He seemed pretty impressed with his new 'uncle', sitting there with his hand up, imitating Mulder's voice and stance as best he could. Mulder had momentarily replaced her brother as little Charlie's hero. "Well, then you're pretty important, then, too, Mr. Scully." She poked him in the belly and he squealed in laughter. He had all but forgotten his earlier sorrow. "Quiet, Charlie, you're really gonna get us in trouble," Mulder kidded again and they played a mocking game of "uh-huh's" back and forth. Suddenly Charlie stopped, seeming to remember something. He turned to Mulder and bid him lean in close so he could whisper something. "Hey-hey-hey, no secrets," Scully kidded. Mulder smiled at her comment while he listened to Charlie speak to him. Then suddenly Mulder's face got really serious. "Mulder? What? What is it?" "Uh..." he grunted. "Come on, you PROMISED! Now do it!" Charlie egged him on. Mulder's face was red and sweaty. Scully began to worry now. "I'm supposed to..." he hesitated, "I promised him that would..." "Aunt Dana, he's real sorry bout the noodles." Apparently the suspense was too much for Charlie. Scully's face now matched Mulder's and her heart rate increased. She had nearly forgotten the incident already. Though she felt great unease to even think of it, she humored her nephew. "Uh...It's okay, Mulder, I forgive you." They both looked at one another uncomfortably. Scully couldn't decide if it was better that Charlie was in the room or not. At least with little Charlie there, Mulder wouldn't try to pry, try to ask her more questions about what happened at Jane's. Charlie patted Mulder's arm. "It's okay, uncle Mulder. She's just having bad dreams right now. She'll get better soon." Charlie continued to look back and forth from one to the other. Again to humor him, Scully said to Mulder, "It's okay." "Now kisses!" Such an innocent request. He had no idea what he was asking of them. 'Kisses' to Charlie were merely a manner of reassurance that things were just fine. All is forgiven, all better, you'll be fine. Mulder gave Scully a goofy grin and leaned in quickly, sort of brushing his lips on her forehead. "No, no, NO! That's not kisses!" Charlie said with frustration in his voice. When Mulder pulled back, Scully answered the look on his face. Sighing, she said, " 'Kisses' is on the mouth." "Yeah, yeah. You gotta kiss on the *mouth*, silly," Charlie said matter of factly as he pushed on Mulder's arm. "You say, 'Kisses?' uncle Mulder, and aunt Dana says, 'Kisses' and then you kiss on the mouth and then, and then, then everything's ALL better!" Mulder looked as though he would faint. For a long while they merely stared at one another silently, as though working through a life-altering decision in their minds. Scully felt very warm as she watched Mulder's chest rise and fall rapidly. He opened his mouth, but no sound emitted. "Come *on*! Jeesh, you guys take forever!" Charlie demanded. Still Mulder seemed to be having difficulties. Charlie whispered loud words of encouragement. "Hurry UP!" She watched as a gentle grin curled the sides of his mouth upward. "Kisses?" Mulder ventured, the word getting caught in his throat. "Kisses," she returned and he leaned down toward her face. Except that Mulder was having yet more difficulties with this seemingly easy feat. He stopped short of her face, trying to decide to lean left or right. Scully lifted her head a little to help him out and as she did, his wonderfully large nose knocked into hers, frightening Mulder a bit, which made him lose his balance a bit and so he ended up falling into her mouth, pressing much harder than he had intended to. "Mmm...ow," Scully cried when their foreheads and teeth bumped. "Oh, Scully, oh Scully, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Huh? are you all right?" He asked as he was rubbing his own head. "Yeah, I'm...What?" Scully turned toward her giggling nephew. "What are you laughing at?" "Uncle Mulder," he answered and laughed some more. "He can't do 'kisses' right! Scully turned and looked at Mulder. He was breathing heavily and his face was redder than she thought she'd ever seen. He grabbed the boy and said, "Oh yeah, you think that's funny? You like to laugh so much, huh? I'll give you something to laugh about!" He proceeded to tickle little Charlie until he cried uncle. Scully's heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. The way Mulder was with her nephew was such a beautiful sight and she remembered what it was like to feel carefree. She missed that. She didn't know when her body would decide what emotion to feel. She certainly took no part in that decision anymore. xxxxxx Wednesday 1:40 p.m. The door clicked open and Scully turned to see her sister-in-law enter the room. "Hey. How are you feeling?" Scully grinned and shrugged. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you're sick to death of people asking you that. Scully nodded. "A little bit. Yes." Unconsciously, Scully looked around Rena's shoulder. "Mulder's on his way up," Rena offered. "What? Oh." She should have known Rena would read her mind. "He's found a new partner, I think. Mulder took him to see the babies again. Charlie's just fascinated with little kids and before you say one more word, the answer is no." Scully laughed. "How is little Charlie, though? Is he still okay after what happened yesterday?" "Yeah. In fact, I think he's all but forgotten about it now. Mulder on the other hand..." "Rena, I have to say to you I'm really sorry about what happened. I don't know why - " Rena was shaking her head. "It's not your fault. But you know, Dana..." Scully was afraid to ask what Rena was thinking. Rena had such a knack for knowing exactly what was on people's minds. "What is it, Rena?" She sighed. "Perhaps this isn't any of my business, but..." she stopped and sat down next to her in the chair that had become Mulder's new bed. She took Scully's hand and regarded her seriously. Scully's heart began to pound. "Dana, I know that you haven't told anyone what happened to you, not even the psychiatrist. Not even Mulder." Not this. No. Scully had to get her off of the subject. "Rena, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but there really isn't much to say. I told the police what happened when I was there and that's really all there is to say. It's really not necessary. I just...I just need to get my strength up." Rena shut her eyes and sighed again in very much the same way her mother had been doing to her lately. She wished everyone would leave her alone about this. The only person who wasn't prying her about anything was Mulder. "Dana, if you won't do it for yourself, then consider Mulder. Have you looked at him lately? He looks sickly. He's not taking care of himself because he's so worried about you. Do you want him to end up in the hospital?" "Of course I don't. Of course not. I just don't see how rehashing any of this is beneficial." Rena nodded and fell silent. She looked at Scully for several moments which brought on a now very familiar nervousness. Where the hell was Mulder? "Dana, far be it from me to offer unsolicited advice, but I love you and I want to see you get better. Believe me when I say you are not going to get better until you deal with it. I think you know that. You're going to have to come to terms with it sometime." Scully remained silent. She wanted no part of what Rena was proposing. It wasn't necessary, any of it. She was fine, she felt fine. She just needed to get home and not think about any of this anymore. "I love you too, Rena. All of you guys are so wonderful for being here, but there really isn't any good reason for you to be," she insisted. "Where did you say Mulder went?" "I'll go find him. But promise you'll think about what I said." Scully nodded insincerely at her as she left the room. Just as long as Rena brought Mulder back here. Then her heart would stop racing. part 5 Margaret Scully's home Tuesday, 7:40 p.m. The silence in the room was more deafening than the loudest explosions Mulder had ever heard. He looked around the table and wondered, yet again, why he had agreed to come here. Then he looked across from him at Charlie junior's grinning face and remembered, he was here for him, to humor him. As Rena and Charlie had been leaving the hospital this evening with their children, little Charlie had turned to Mulder and asked him to "come to gammie's for dinner" with them. Mulder had glanced at the elder Scully for some help but Charlie just shrugged with a stupid grin. He'd looked almost happy to have someone to share the suffering with. He'd known it was a pretty bad idea but he hadn't the heart to disappoint little Charlie. He'd looked so excited about the whole thing. Mrs. Scully had looked less than thrilled when he'd shown up with Charlie and his family but she'd been polite about it, unlike Bill who'd refused to even look at him since he'd arrived. He looked around the table again, surveying the strange scene. Bill and Charlie were seated at the two ends of the rectangular table. They were both eating voraciously and saying nothing. Neither of them seemed willing to make eye contact with anyone else at the table. Across from him, Charlie junior sat between his mother and Mrs. Scully. And he was seated next to Pele. He wasn't sure how that had happened. It was making him even more nervous than he was already, though. Every time he turned he saw her leaning on her elbow, staring at him openly with what he assumed to be a thirteen year old's attempt at a seductive look. "Can you pass me the peas, Mulder?" Pele asked. It was the first thing he'd heard anyone say in a long time. He scanned the table for the peas and found that they were right in front of him. She could have gotten them herself pretty damn easily. He passed them to her. Her hand brushed his briefly on the bowl and she sighed. It was bizarre. His touch seemed to have the same effect on her as Scully's had on him. Mrs. Scully jumped up as if she'd suddenly remembered something. She left the dining room for a moment and came back with a bottle of wine. She poured some in everyone's glass except for Charlie junior and Pele. When she'd sat back down Pele stuck her glass out petulantly at her grandmother. "Would you pour me some too please, grandma?" "Um, I'm sorry sweetheart, you're a little too young..." "It's okay," Rena interjected, "she can have some if she wants it. It's just a little wine." Mrs. Scully pursed her lips and glared at Rena. Then she looked at Charlie. "Is that all right with you too Charles?" "Huh?" Charlie grumbled into his plate. "Yeah, it's fine." He still wouldn't look up or stop shoveling food into his face. Bill muttered something unintelligible. Something that only Charlie seemed to hear. He finally lifted his head and gave his brother the nastiest look Mulder had ever seen Charlie give anyone. "What was that Bill? Would you like to share that with everyone?" Bill actually looked embarrassed for a moment. Mulder could only assume he'd said something nasty about either Rena or Pele. "So, can I have it or what?" Pele asked impatiently. "Pele, ask nicely," Rena admonished her. "Sorry, can I please have a little bit?" Mrs. Scully scowled and filled her glass half way. With that small crisis past Mulder felt just comfortable enough to take a large swig from his own glass. He wished he'd had a whole bottle before he'd come here. He hadn't been so uncomfortable since he'd been forced to have dinner with his own family. Another long silence went by, unbroken by anything except the clattering of silverware and the sound of chewing. Mulder hated the sound of chewing. Especially his own. He felt like everyone at the table could hear it. Not that anyone would care about his stupid chewing. They seemed pretty focused on radiating their anger towards one another. He felt like he was in the middle of two warring camps. Mulder wondered if these people were always this way when they were together or if it was his presence making things this way. He got the very strong impression that although he was adding to the problem, the tension was there all the time. It seemed to seethe between all of them. He wondered what it would be like if Scully were there. Every situation seemed endurable if she was there. But at the same time he had a feeling she would be as silent and edgy as everyone else and that would be a long way from pleasant for him. He felt a sudden and random surge of anger towards all of them, including himself. How dare they sit around here with their petty differences and childish animosity when she was lying in a hospital bed, needing their support more than anything?. "I wish aunt Dana was here. When's she gonna be better?" Charlie junior blurted out suddenly. Mulder was shocked at how this boy's thoughts mirrored his own. He really was the only person Mulder seemed able to relate to anymore. Nobody answered his question. "Uncle Mulder, do you know?" Mulder looked the boy in the eye and shook his head sadly. "No, no I don't know, Charlie. I'm sorry." He saw Mrs. Scully and Bill glance at each other out of the corner of his eye and he knew exactly what they were thinking. He should be sorry. It was all his fault. Suddenly he felt something on his leg under the table. He almost jumped, thinking it was some kind of unknown creature but then realized that it was merely Pele's bare foot running up the back of his leg. She was trying to play fucking footsie with him in the middle of all this. He pulled his leg away and tried to concentrate on eating fast so he could get the hell out of there and back to Scully. Rena turned to her son and stroked his hair. "We're not sure when Aunt Dana's going to be better sweetie. But just knowing that you care is helping her." "Really? Honest?" She nodded and smiled. "Honest. Cross my heart." She kissed his forehead and he seemed somewhat relieved. "Mommy, why don't you just do your magic on her?" Mulder looked at Rena curiously. "Your magic?" "Oh jeez, not this again." Bill grunted. "What is he talking about?" Mulder asked. "I was sick like aunt Dana an' mommy made me better with magic!" Charlie announced excitedly. "It's not magic, honey," Rena told him quietly. "Well what is it?" Mulder was getting pretty excited himself. To a child, any kind of help might seem like magic. Maybe Rena was some kind of trauma therapist, maybe she knew something that would help Scully. "Do we have to talk about this at dinner?" Mrs. Scully asked hopefully. She seemed to sense that this was a touchy subject. Mulder didn't care. If it would help Scully it didn't matter. "I'm finished with my dinner gammie! See!" Charlie junior held his cleaned plate up for inspection and Mrs. Scully nodded proudly. "Yep, that's wonderful, sweetie. That's grandma's good boy!" "Pele, take your brother upstairs please," Charlie told his daughter. Pele rolled her eyes and sighed melodramatically. "Are you guys gonna fight about mom's stupid therapy thing again?" "Just do it." Pele rose from the table with another sigh and gave Mulder an exasperated look. "So, are you a therapist or something?" Mulder asked when the two kids had gone. "Something..." Bill muttered. "Watch it." Charlie glared at Bill and pointed his fork at him. Mrs. Scully cleared her throat and folded her hands nervously on the table. "Bill, Charles, please. We don't need to do this now." "Um, I'm not exactly a therapist." She looked around the table, debating whether or not to discuss this further. Her eyes met Mulder's and he looked at her pleadingly. "What then, Rena? Please, if it could help Scully I need to know." She sighed and nodded. "A couple years ago I was in a car accident with Charlie junior. He was pretty traumatized by the whole thing, he had awful nightmares and he was sleepwalking. One night Charlie and I both almost had a simultaneous coronary when we found him outside standing in front of our pool. I was never comfortable with the therapist he saw and it was compounded more by the fact that Charlie wasn't getting any better. So finally I took it upon myself to explore options for him. I looked into some alternative methods and found something that happened to work in Charlie's case." Mulder leaned across the table eagerly. This was actually sounding like something substantial. Something that might help. "So, what did you do? Do you really think it could work with Scully?" "God almighty! Dana's not gonna want to have anything to do with that new age, holistic crap. Why the hell did you have to get her started on this?" Bill demanded angrily. Charlie slammed his palms against the table, causing the dishes to rattle. Mrs. Scully jumped in her seat and buried her head in her hands "I told you to watch your fucking mouth!" "Charlie, please," Mrs. Scully pleaded from behind her shield. Rena leaned towards her husband and put her hand over his. "It's okay. It's fine. Let me explain it to Mulder." xxxxxx 8:10 p.m. Scully opened the brown envelope that had been delivered to her earlier that evening. She'd managed to track down the police reports that had been drafted about Jane Harris. When an associate from the Bureau had called on behalf of her department to see how Scully was doing and asked if there was anything she could do for her, Scully took her up on the offer immediately. Everything was in order, police reports, photos, prints, and other items that were part of a federal offenders file that had been started on the woman. Scully could have kicked herself for not having looked to see if Jane had any kind of a record the moment she'd had that odd feeling about the woman. She refrained from it, though, because she would have felt like a jealous shrew. It wouldn't have made a difference, if she had, though. The name given on the report was Jane Elizabeth Walters, not Harris. The papers also indicated that she'd gone to a private grade school in Rhode Island, an upscale boarding preparatory high school and then attended Yale, though apparently did not finish a degree. Scully flipped through the other papers and came across one titled, "Psychological Evaluation". She'd had a psyche eval already? So soon? That seemed odd to Scully, but upon further reading found that the date on the form was June of 1996. It was an eval to decide if she was fit for release from the Maryland State Hospital. She'd apparently been admitted in 1993 by her father, for a reason Scully could not determine from the information she had. It was declared that she be released but continue therapeutic medication and regular sessions with the psychiatrist. In the statement she'd given federal officers regarding the recent incident, Scully learned that Jane first came across information on Mulder at several different UFO abductee cooperative group webpages on the Internet. She then advanced to accessing personal information on Mulder, thereby locating his place of residence. Through the collected knowledge, Jane had concocted a story which she hoped would gain Mulder's attention and incite his interests. The transcript of her confession recorded her repeating over and over how much she loved Mulder and that she believed what she had done was her responsibility for both their sakes. She seemed to believe that Mulder really felt the same way for her and that given enough time, he would have admitted it too. Scully closed her eyes and sighed once deeply. Jane's deranged expression was creeping into her memory again. She told herself that it was over, that there was no reason to even think of it anymore and the picture left her head, yet her body was shivering. Where the hell was Mulder? She couldn't imagine he would stay at her mother's this long. Holding her breath, she ventured on to the police photos. Shots of every corner of the apartment were in the file. She cringed when she saw the picture of Jane's closet, filled with numerous items Scully recognized as belonging to Mulder. She sighed and shivered again. Poor Mulder. If only she'd said something sooner. If only she had demanded that he cease this association with Jane... Scully flipped to the next photo and felt her entire body go numb. It was of the room, the room where she had lived, dying for what seemed like months. She wasn't in the picture, but Scully put herself there, attached to the bed, sweating, bleeding, crying, in the most excruciating pain she'd ever experienced. Helpless. Wondering if she would die there, whether she was going to be consumed alive by ten thousand creeping insects, eating away any evidence of her ever having been there. Something tickled the back of her neck and she jumped, frantically brushing her left hand over it and her back. Then she tucked the picture behind back into the envelope and willed herself to forget. She prayed Mulder would just walk through her door right that moment so that she could go to sleep, forget about all of this. Then she heard footsteps outside her door distant and gradually increasing as they neared her room, then stopping abruptly in front of the door. Quickly, Scully stuffed the papers back into the manila envelope and shoved it underneath her pillows. But Mulder never entered. "Mulder?" She called tentatively. "Mulder, come on in. Please? Mulder?" Still nothing. Yet she was certain someone was outside. "Who's out there? Hello?" Still no answer. She briefly considered ringing a nurse, but couldn't bring herself to do so for such a absurd reason. She already feared she was one incident away from being transferred to the psyche ward. No need to get people thinking she couldn't handle herself again. "Mulder? Are you out there? Please, answer me." She was breathing heavily now. It was so quiet in the hospital, like she was the only one left, at least in this part of the hospital. She turned off the light. It moved. It seemed like a shadow moved in front of the door. A thought then occurred to her. What if Jane had been released? If the right lawyer convinced the right judge, she could be out of confinement until her trial. She could have been released just tonight, before Mulder would have had the chance to tell her, before the agent who'd sent the envelope even knew. She turned on the television, desperately searching for news concerning this crime. She flipped frantically through the stations only to find discussion panel shows and newsmagazines. Jane was teasing her, Scully was certain now. Seeing how long it would take her before she wouldn't be able to stand it any longer and call for a nurse. Jane knew Mulder and her family were no where near the hospital and she was seizing her opportunity. Scully was not going to call for a nurse. There was no way she was going to let that woman drive her to paranoia. So she waited, with the lights out and the television muted, listening intently. This is how it happened that night, Scully remembered. Knowing that something wasn't quite right, yet lying there, not moving, not taking action and seized before she could even think. What if Jane had already gotten to Mulder? On his way back to the hospital to be with her, running him off the road. Damning him for screwing up her plans, telling him as she pointed the gun at his temple that Scully was next then shot through the forehead with Scully's own gun, only to be dumped in a hole in the ground and discovered months later. Scully realized tears were streaming down her face now. No! We can handle this! You are a trained federal officer, you can outmaneuver her, overcome her. Scully swung her legs over the side of the bed, to walk for only the second time since she'd been admitted. She was certain she could run if she needed to, that she could get away. She stood up too quickly, though, and leaned back into the bed again. Her legs were shaking like a puppy's. Two calming breaths and she attempted to move forward. Her every pore felt as though they trembled as she moved toward the door with painstaking slowness. Was that Jane she heard laughing outside the door? She told herself she didn't care, even though her stomach rumbled and her legs became all the more rubbery. Just get to the door and see if she's there. Just get to the door and then you'll know. When she reached the door, Scully leaned into the wall and caught her breath. It was quiet outside, but this made her all the more certain Jane was outside. Using the wall to support herself, she opened the door and promptly dropped to the floor, exhausted and sweating profusely. "Oh my God!" Scully heard a woman say as she lay on the floor, attempting to catch her breath. The nurse helped her up and encouraged her to lean into stocky frame so she could bring Scully back to her bed. "Don't tell..." Scully breathed out. "Don't tell the doctor. You won't tell, will you? Please. I'm not crazy, I'm not." "I know, Dana," the woman said to her. "But Dana, you really need to release yourself from this fear. It will consume you." The nurse's voice was vaguely familiar in the serenity it evoked in Scully. She trusted the voice and so promised her that she would seek help now. She knew it was far past time. She would tell someone. xxxxxx Mulder sat on the edge of the lazy boy recliner in Mrs. Scully's living room, trying his damnedest to understand and accept what Rena was trying to explain to him. She and Charlie were on the couch and Bill was pacing in the background. Mrs. Scully was still cleaning up from dinner with Pele's grudging assistance. "Now, Dana is stuck in a mode where she's repeating the traumatic events and images over and over in her mind. Chances are her dreams aren't resolving themselves and she isn't being allowed to experience rem sleep. I'm sure I don't need to explain to you the importance of that." Mulder nodded. This much he knew. Basic psychology. "What this method does is actually re-create that eye movement while the patient is awake. Dana and I would together decide on a image that bears particular meaning to the experience for her and then she would need to focus on that scene, that image; replaying it over and over in her mind." Mulder was beginning to become very uneasy about this whole thing. He remembered the mirror, the food he'd brought her and what severe panic those things had brought on for her. And now Rena was suggesting that she think about those things again? If she was saying that, he wasn't sure he could bear to watch it. "Then what I do is move my finger in front of her eyes, say 12 to 24 times. It takes, I'd say, about 30 to 60 seconds, maybe? Then when that set is done, I ask her to take a deep breath and clear her mind totally of any thoughts. Then we would talk about how that 'scene' made her feel, what emotions it evoked, and if it brought to light any new fears or feelings." She stopped and waited for his reaction. When he said nothing, she went on. "We would then move on to another scene and repeat the process. How long it lasts would depend upon how long she wants to talk about each scene." Mulder knitted his brow and said impatiently, "How is that any different than just getting her to talk about what's bothering her?" "Well, the theory is that the act of moving my finger in front of her eyes like I said, recreates the rapid eye movement of sleep and it somehow releases the horrible memory that keeps repeating itself." All in all, it seemed pretty kooky to Mulder. It seemed like something Scully would laugh at, something that would never work on her because she would never believe that it could. But, he noticed, Rena seemed to be getting more and more excited as she explained it to him. She seemed more to be convincing herself that it would help Scully. He was starting to regret getting her talking about it in the first place. "Um, thanks for explaining it Rena but, I really don't think this kind of thing would be appropriate for Scully." Charlie raised his eyebrows and gave Mulder a not so congenial look. "What do you mean not appropriate? I saw my son go from one day away from a mental institution to a normal three-year-old in almost ten days. What makes you think it's not right for my sister?" "I just mean that I don't really think it would work in her case." Rena took a deep breath, "I'll admit that this is a bit unconventional sounding, but she needs to work through this somehow or she'll never rest, never heal." "Work through what?" Bill asked as he poured himself a drink. "All she's gotta do is start eating and get out of that hospital. She doesn't need therapy or whatever it is that you do Rena, she just needs to get her head on straight, she needs someone to just go in there and tell her look, you eat or you die. It's as simple as that." "Bill, it's not as simple as that..." Rena started. Mulder interrupted her, "You eat or you die? What the hell kind of help is that?" He couldn't believe that her own brother could be so thoughtless and cruel. "Better help than what this..." Charlie stopped Bill with a single look. "Better help than she's offering." "At least she's trying to help. It's more than you're doing Bill," Charlie growled. "That crap is not gonna help her..." Bill muttered into his glass. Mulder was starting to feel pretty disgusted by the whole lot of them. She didn't need their help, Rena's "magic" or Bill's bullying. "Look, the thing is, I know Scully, and I am a psychologist, and I know enough to know that if the patient doesn't believe in the therapy, the therapy won't work..." "Psychologist?" Bill snorted, "You're not a psychologist. Fucking Leonard Nimoy over there...." "Hey!" They all turned to face Pele in the doorway. Mrs. Scully was standing behind her. "Mulder is so a psychologist! He's a parapsychologist!" Mulder shook his head. "Actually I'm not really, I..." "And besides that he's right, mom's stupid stuff isn't gonna work on aunt Dana. It may have worked on Charlie, but Charlie was three! Aunt Dana's an adult. She needs adult therapy. Like..." she looked pointedly at Mulder and lowered her eyes, "Like the kind Mulder could give her." "Pele!" Mrs. Scully scolded. "Jesus Christ, Charlie, what kind of girl are you raising here?" Bill chided. At this Charlie stood and looked just about ready to get physical with his brother. "Oh gawd, that's not what I meant people, calm down, okay? I just mean that he IS a psychologist, maybe he can help her in a *normal* way." She delivered the last part to her mother with exaggerated cadence. "Pele, go upstairs." Charlie ordered, his eyes never leaving Bill. "Dad, I have a right to be here! I'm part of this family! I'm practically an adult!" "Go upstairs now, dammit!" Pele seemed to notice the way her father's fists were clenching and unclenching, the reddish color his face was turning, and the large vein throbbing in his forehead because she turned and ran towards the stairs. "You better fucking apologize for that you self-righteous son of a..." "Charlie, please!" Mrs. Scully ran frantically to Charlie's side and pulled at his shoulder. "Please just drop it. Both of you." Mulder stood, preparing himself to leave. There were things going on here that had nothing to do with him, things that were none of his business and he needed to get back to Scully. Charlie turned to him, "Mulder wait, don't leave yet. I really think you should give this some thought. I think it could really help Dana." "He should give it some thought?" Bill asked sarcastically. "Who the hell is he to make this decision? He's not family, this has nothing to do with him." "Wait a minute Bill," Mrs. Scully interjected and for a minute Mulder thought she might actually be defending him. "I don't think we should discount Rena's idea so quickly. I saw it work for little Charlie and I think maybe we should give it some thought..." "Excuse me!" Rena was on her feet now and looking suddenly extremely angry. "Have any of you considered the fact that this needs to be Dana's decision? I think we should ask her what she wants to do." The room fell immediately silent. Everyone regarded one another simultaneously and mutely agreed that Rena was right. "She's absolutely right," Margaret finally spoke. "We need to do everything in our power to help Dana get through this." She held her hand out to stop Bill from speaking. "This is Dana's decision. And we cannot be there for her if we're at one another's throats. Frankly, William and Charles, your father would be extremely ashamed of the two of you, the way you've been acting toward one another." She paused. "Put it aside, please, and help your sister." She stood for a while and watched her sons, seeming to be waiting for an apology to be exchanged. Finally she closed her eyes, sighed, and shook her head. "I'm going to try to sleep and I suggest the rest of you do the same. I will see you all in the morning." She passed Mulder and said, "Fox." He nodded and thanked her for dinner. For a moment, he was uncertain as to how to make his exit. Now with the excitement past, he was beginning to feel uneasy about being away from Scully. Very uneasy. Almost as though he could hear her calling for him. Or feel it. Or something He turned to leave quietly and Rena ran to show him out. "I think it would work, Mulder," she told him as she opened the front door. "She needs you there, though. I think half of her problem is not being able to show you her vulnerability. She needs to know you don't think she's weak, that you believe she is in control of herself." "I *do* believe that," he insisted. She nodded. "Goodnight, Mulder. I will see you tomorrow. Please try to rest." She shut the door and he was alone again. Except not really alone. She was there with him. He couldn't shake it, this feeling that seemed to belong to him and not to him at the same time. Could it really be, or was it just a combination of high stress and lack of sleep? Yet it was out there, in the atmosphere. She was begging him to come back. He sped back to the hospital. part 6 11:15 PM Mulder crept quietly into Scully's room. The only light was coming from the mute scenes flickering across the television set and Scully appeared to be sound asleep in her bed. Mulder felt a deep relief fill his heart. Thank God, she was okay. He'd been certain that something was wrong ever since he'd left Mrs. Scully's house. But here she was, resting comfortably. He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and sat down next to the bed. She looked more peaceful than he'd seen her in a long time in the blue glow of the television. She was turned on her side, resting on her good arm, her broken arm held out in front of her body. He leaned in to look closely at her eyes and noticed that there seemed to be no motion whatsoever under her lids. Rena seemed to be right about at least that much. She was sleeping but she wasn't really resting. He noticed for the first time really, how sunken and sallow her cheeks looked, how the bones in her neck and chest seems to be straining against her skin. She was starting to look more undernourished than she had when he'd seen her at Jane's. She may look peaceful now, but he knew, she was haunted inside. He reached out his hand to stroke her hair, needing to touch her, to know that she was really still there, and as he leaned over he caught sight of something resting on the bedside table. He picked up the pile of papers and started leafing through them. It was Jane's file. Goddammit, who the hell gave these to her, he wondered angrily as he read through the sheets. This couldn't possibly be good for her, to read this stuff. He had a feeling he knew why she'd done it. Perhaps she felt that looking at the whole case in a disconnected, objective way would separate her from it. She would be able to dissociate herself from the events. He knew the technique well. He'd tried the same thing with his sister's file a million times, with Scully's file the first time she'd disappeared. It hadn't worked. In fact it had made him feel a thousand times worse. He thought again of Rena's stupid suggestion. The last thing she needed was to relive those horrible things. It would only hurt her in the end, as would reading this damned file over and over. He shoved the papers into his coat. "M...Mulder..." Scully muttered absently in her sleep. He looked again at her face. She was no longer calm. Her features were troubled. He moved to her other side and lay down in the bed next to her. He turned on his side and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. "I'm here Scully, right here." He buried his face in her neck and squeezed her reassuringly. "Mulder...m'sorry..." Her eyes were still closed and he couldn't tell if she was still sleeping or not. "Sorry for what Scully? You haven't done anything wrong," he whispered into her ear. "I...I need help. M'gonna get it Mulder. Promise." He smiled and kissed her cheek, "That's good Scully. I'm really glad to hear that." And he was glad. He just hoped that she found the kind of help she really needed. xxxxxx Wednesday 12:15 PM "So when did you want to start, Dana?" "Start what?" Rena and Scully both turned to see Mulder standing in the doorway of Scully's room. "Mulder, Rena and I have been talking..." "Oh really?" Mulder glanced at Rena suspiciously. She wouldn't. She couldn't. Surely she would have at least told him first. "Yes, and she's been explaining this method of therapy to me, something she did with Charlie junior and it's um...it's a bit unconventional but I've decided to give it a try." Mulder stood with his hands in his pockets, rocking slowly back and forth on his heels. He tried to maintain a neutral expression. He didn't want to blow up in front of Scully. She seemed pretty hopeful about the whole thing which only added fuel to the fire of his anger. Why get her hopes up about something that wasn't going to work, that might even end up hurting her more. And worse yet, she was looking at him as though she expected him to throw a fucking party about her decision. He remembered her promise to him last night. She'd told him she was going to get help and he'd been happy about that. Was she doing this just to keep that promise, to please him at any cost, even her own sanity? Rena was smiling at him nervously and he gave her a strained grin in response. He really felt like smacking that stupid smile right off her face. "That's um...that's great Scully." "Do you want to hear about what it's going to involve?" He did want to hear it from Scully's perspective. He wanted to know how Rena had explained it to her and if she'd actually told her the same thing she'd told him. If so, he couldn't believe that she'd agreed to it so easily. But first, he had something to get off his chest. Something that was going to start bubbling to the surface if he didn't get out of there soon. "S...sure Scully, maybe in a little bit. But first I'd really like to talk to Rena outside for a minute." He turned to Rena and saw that she was already angry. "If that's okay with you, Rena." She nodded and turned back to Scully. "I'll see you in a bit." "Okay, I'd like to start as soon as possible. Even this afternoon if it's okay." Rena and Mulder exchanged another tense glance and Rena squeezed Scully's hand. "Sure Dana, whenever you want." They moved out of her room and Mulder closed her door behind them so she wouldn't be able to hear any of this. He turned to Rena and she looked almost smug to him. "You have got a lot of nerve. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?" He spoke quietly but with intensity. "I think I'm the only person around here who seems to have Dana's best interests in mind. You know acting like this is NOT going to help her." Acting like this. What a self righteous little snot. He couldn't believe that she had the gall to accuse him of all people of not thinking about what was best for Scully. It was all he ever thought about. "And you think that coming in here and pushing all this wacked out crap on her when she's totally vulnerable without even talking to me about it first is gonna help her? What did you do Rena, wait outside her room until I was gone so that you could sneak in there behind my back?" Rena rolled her eyes at him, "God, you really are paranoid, aren't you? This isn't a goddamn conspiracy Mulder." Damn her for doing this. She didn't even know Scully. Not like he did. She should have talked to him more about this. He knew he was right. He should have been the one to ask Scully about it, if she wanted to try it. He would have been able to tell how she really felt about it. But she'd just gone right ahead and stuck her nose where it didn't belong. He wasn't paranoid, she'd known how he felt about it and she'd deliberately left him out of the discussion. Now the decision was made and he'd been completely shut out. "You know, Mulder, I can't even believe I'm hearing this from you. I was starting to really develop a deep respect for you but now I'm not so sure anymore." What the hell was that supposed to mean? Because he disagreed with her she didn't respect him anymore? Because he'd called her on her idiotic, thoughtless behavior he wasn't worthy of her regard? "What is that supposed to make me cry? Please stop Rena, you're hurting my feelings." "Mulder..." "You know what, I don't give a rat's ass about your respect. You think I respect you anymore after this? I don't care if you respect me. All I care about is that Scully's safe and I do not think she's safe with you." "Is it really that, Mulder? Or is it that you aren't the one making the decisions, the one controlling her?" "Controlling her? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I do not try to control Scully, ever. And if you knew a goddamn thing about her you'd know that nobody in their right mind would even attempt to control her. I..." He took a deep breath and tried to control his temper. He was getting dangerously close to the edge with this woman. She had no fucking idea what she was talking about or who she was dealing with here. "I am trying to protect her. From YOU." "From me." She snorted and shook her head. "You really are no better than Bill you know that? Same chauvinistic, patronizing, overbearing attitude, different package." That was it. The end. He was not about to stand there and take that kind of crap from this woman. She didn't know him. She didn't know anything. "That's a low blow and all it does is prove that you know NOTHING about me or Scully or any of this." His voice was raising steadily as was Rena's. "Well Mulder, the way you're acting...for Christ's sake, you don't own her. She's a grown woman. If you won't listen to me why don't you try talking to her about it? I'm sure you must realize that she is perfectly capable of making her own decisions." Talk about patronizing. She was treating him like he was some kind of medieval husband who couldn't grasp the difference between women and chattel. "Yes, yes she is but the fact that she agreed to this bullshit only proves that she is not in her normal state of mind right now. She's desperate for help and you're taking advantage of that. Did you even explain half the crap you wanna do with her?" "Of course I did. I gave her more details than I gave you and she is open minded enough to give it a try. Why can't you be? I thought you were supposed to be a supporter of things like this. Didn't you have hypno therapy yourself?" "That has nothing to do with this! How can you even compare..." He squeezed his fists together in an attempt to keep from striking her. How dare she even bring that up? What the hell business was it of hers? And it only reminded him of the time he'd seen Scully hypnotized. If what Rena was planning was anything even remotely like that it would happen over his dead body. "I'm not gonna let this happen Rena. I am not gonna let you do this to her. This is bullshit!" He was shouting now and thrusting his finger in her face. "Hey, get your hands away from me! Do you have any respect for anyone at all? I know you don't respect yourself but that doesn't give you the right to treat other people this way. I did not postpone my vacation to be with my sister in law only to be treated like this." "Oh, please forgive me. I didn't mean to ruin your fucking vacation and your fucking perfect life with Scully's petty problems!" Unbelievable. Unbelievable fucking bitch. She had no idea what they'd been through, why he had to go to these lengths to defend Scully. "Dammit, that's not what I mean..." "Well what the hell do you mean? Do you even give a shit about her or are you just doing this to prove yourself to your husband's goddamn family?" Rena held up her hand defensively. "Don't, just don't even... You have no idea what you're talking about and furthermore it is none of your business." "Right, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I wouldn't know what it's like to have the entire family of the person you love hate your guts. No fucking idea." He'd thought she and Charlie were different too. That maybe, just maybe he could trust them and that they accepted him and had a place for him. Obviously though, Rena was no more interested in including him than anyone else. "Mulder, we're getting away from the issue here. If you would just step back and forget about yourself for two seconds..." "What the hell are you talking about? This has NOTHING to do with me. This is about Scully, you're the one thinking about yourself. What the hell do you think is gonna happen when you start this thing and she gets hysterical? Do you have any idea how to handle something like that? You're not a fucking psychologist!" "Mulder, calm down." It was Charlie. He walked towards them and placed himself between them. "I might not have a degree like you but I know a hell of a lot more about real people and their feelings than you do!" "Rena, come on..." Charlie put his arm around his wife and rubbed her shoulders. She jerked away from him. "Charlie, no. He thinks the entire world revolves around him and his needs. He has no idea..." "Do you know what she plans on doing to your sister?" Mulder demanded angrily. Charlie held up his hands. "Look, I dunno what the hell's going on but you guys need to calm down right now or we're all gonna get thrown out of here." Rena shrugged and turned towards the door of Scully's room. "Fine then. I've got more important things to deal with." Mulder grabbed her arm violently. "I don't want you going near her, dammit." "Whoa, hey." Charlie pulled Mulder's arm from Rena. "I don't think you wanna do that." Mulder and Charlie's eyes met and Mulder backed down. He didn't want to do that. Not really. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down a little. "Come on Rena, why don't we go get some lunch and try to cool down a little?" Rena sighed and nodded. "Fine. But I'm coming back." xxxxxx 2:30 PM "Okay, are you ready?" Scully scooted herself upright as Rena raised the back of her bed. Scully sighed deeply and answered, "Y-yeah...yes. What is it that I do first?" "Alright, I need to remind you, Dana, some of these sessions may evoke other feelings, other memories which may or may not be related to the image that you are concentrating on." She regarded Scully seriously. "They may be unexpected and painful. You understand this, you are prepared, right?" Scully nodded even though she was very afraid she might actually be lying to her sister-in-law. For a millisecond she considered backing down, but forced herself to keep that feeling quiet. She looked at the clock once and then toward the door. Rena laid her hand on Scully's arm and squeezed lightly. She knew Scully was still hoping Mulder would show. "You'll be fine. I have every faith in you." Rena reassured her. "Now, based on what we've talked about, I'd like to start from the beginning, from the time when you were free for a moment, but Jane over powered you. Okay? You feel safe here, don't you? You let me know if you don't." "Fine. I'm fine." "I want you to concentrate on that moment, on what you saw. Play it over and over in your head, include every detail that you can think of. Dwell on it." Scully put herself back there, in Jane's apartment. Looking at the photos...,picking up the telephone to call Mulder for help...Jane's 'what the fuck!'...her paralyzation, the shooting pain in her arm. Her heart pounded furiously. "Okay," she breathed out. "Got it." "Hold it there and tell me what you think about what happened." "I should have..." she drifted off, pinching her eyes shut once. "Should have what?" "I shouldn't have let it happen. I let it happen. I didn't get out of there right away. My fault, it was my fault I couldn't get away. I waited too long." "Good, Dana, that's good." Rena watched and tried to calm herself. Scully was beginning to perspire a bit at the temples and breath heavily. "Now, how does that make you feel?" "Anger. A bit frustrated." "Where in your body do you feel that?" "My gut." She had no idea why she'd been inclined to say that. "Stay in the picture, stay in the feeling and rate it for me. On a scale of 0 to 10, assess that emotion, with ten being the worst possible feeling, zero being neutral." "Uhh...mm...n-nine. Nine." She cringed and wiped her brow. "Now tell me how you'd rather to feel about what happened that day." She breathed deeply and said, "I didn't have a choice. She uh...she took me by surprise. I wouldn't have had time to get away." "Good." Rena's voice remained always calm in contrast to Scully's forced words. She willed her body to be just as calm for Scully's sake. "Tell me now on a scale of 1 to 7, with 7 being true, assess for me the truthfulness of that statement." Rena took this moment to jot down on a hospital notepad all of the things Scully had said. After a brief silence, Scully decided, "Three." xxxxxx Mulder spit the half chewed piece of rubber/chicken into his napkin. The food in this hospital cafeteria was some of the worst he'd ever experienced. And it didn't help that his stomach was in turmoil already. It had been a couple hours already since his argument with Rena. He knew she had to be starting her "therapy" session with Scully by this time. After stalking around the hospital, kicking various objects and muttering angrily under his breath, he'd come to the cafeteria to sit and think for awhile. It had only taken him a few moments of slightly rational reflection to realize that he'd overreacted quite a bit with Rena. He was still worried about this whole thing but he knew he'd really responded on a gut level, more to his exclusion than to the actual facts. But even with this realization, he still didn't feel up to actually watching the whole process. And he didn't really think being there would help Scully at all. That was, he realized, his true problem with it. He couldn't be there with her. He would have nothing to do with her healing process. And that was, he supposed, as it should be. His attempts at trying to help her had been dismal failures. She was better off with Rena, someone who had half a brain. Someone who hadn't been indirectly responsible for the whole trauma she was trying to recover from in the first place. He was jealous of Rena, he realized that now too. That was part of the reason he'd been so angry. He was jealous of the power she held in her hands, her magic, her ability to help Scully. He wished he knew how. And he was jealous too of what he'd called her "fucking perfect life". She and Charlie had the kind of life that he'd been searching for for what seemed like forever. The kind of life he wanted with Scully but would never actually get. He wasn't capable of that kind of stability, that kind of normalcy and comfort. But Scully was, she was and she deserved it. He was keeping her from it. And he resented Rena for reminding him of that. And, in a moment of extreme self-honesty, he discovered that he was actually terrified that Scully would start talking to Rena about her life, that she'd start feeling like she wanted to live the way Rena did and that Mulder could never give her that. He was afraid that Rena would show Scully that she didn't need Mulder at all. Mulder jumped in his seat as his rumination was interrupted. He felt a sudden jolt of pain in his arm and a deep, dizzying fear. He looked down at his scarred limb. It hadn't bothered him in a long time. And the pain was different then it had been. It was more internal. He closed his eyes and underneath his lids he saw something strange. It was Jane's apartment. It was her desk, covered with photographs of him. The image was so real, so vivid, and it struck terror in his heart. He was starting to sweat and breath heavily just thinking about it. His eyes flew open and he looked around the cafeteria frantically. What the hell was happening to him? xxxxxx It was time for what little Charlie referred to as his mommy's "magic." She implored Scully watch her finger, following it as it passed back and forth in front of her eyes. Scully continued to pant and Rena was relieved when she finally counted pass number 30. She dropped her hand and Scully shut her eyes. "Okay, Dana, let's talk about what was going through your head just now." "I was...there, in Jane's bedroom. I uh...There were pictures of Mulder, she'd been following us - him, she'd been following Mulder." She drew her lips inward and sob escaped. "But she took me and I couldn't...I couldn't help him. She broke my arm so I couldn't help him..." she trailed off and began to cry. "She...I couldn't move, it was all so fast. I never had a chance." "Deep breath, Dana. You said you shouldn't have let that happen. It was your fault that you didn't get away. Do you still believe that?" She sniffled, a bit more composed than before. "No. I didn't have a choice. She was...she broke my arm." Rena was almost frightened, Scully seemed to have been helped almost immediately. They repeated the finger tracking until it seemed that Scully had calmed quite a bit. Rena was convinced now that the session would have been far easier and even more effective had Mulder been there. Which was another issue that she was certain that they would also need to work through, this fear that it was Mulder that was in immanent danger. "You rest for while all right? I'm gonna get some supper, but if you need me, you have me paged there or something. Don't hesitate." xxxxxx Rena walked through the cafeteria with her dinner tray looking for a table. She passed a man sitting with his head in his hands and a full plate in front of him. It only took a second for her to realize that it was Mulder. She hadn't spoken to him since their argument and she was pretty nervous about the prospect of being near him again. He'd been so unreasonable, almost out of control with his anger. According to Charlie he wasn't really like that normally. He was just under a lot of pressure. But Rena didn't think that was enough of an excuse and she was almost scared to try to communicate with him. But still, here he was. "Mulder?" He looked up and she saw that his eyes were red. "Um, hi." He looked almost embarrassed, not dangerous, so she sat down. They sat in silence for a moment, both unsure of what to say and extremely uncomfortable. Rena did feel bad about some of the things she'd said to him and she felt like maybe she should start the ball rolling by apologizing but it seemed to her that he owed her that first. "So, um...how was the first session?" he asked and, she noted, there was no sarcasm or anger in his voice. He seemed a little scared actually. "Good, actually. It's only a start but I think it went really well." She knew that it would have gone better if Scully had known that she had Mulder's complete support, if he'd been there for her through the process but she didn't think it was a great idea to bring that up. Mulder nodded and cleared his throat. "So, um, so she's okay?" "She seems fine. She's resting now." "Good. That's good." They fell into another uncomfortable silence and Rena started picking at her food nervously. After a few minutes, she looked up again and saw that Mulder's eyes were tearing and he was twisting his napkin in his hands. "Mulder..." "I'm sorry," he choked out. "I dunno what's wrong with me. I really appreciate what you're trying to do and I was...I was just wrong. Just really wrong..." "Mulder, it's okay..." "No, it's not. It's not. I was horrible." "We both said some pretty stupid things." "I guess that..." He looked down sadly. "I just want her back, Rena. I want her back so badly. And I wanna help her. I want to make it better but I can't. I can't." His voice cracked and tears began flowing freely down his face. "Everything I do is wrong and I can't help her at all and I guess I just, I just hate the fact that someone else can help her and I can't. That she might need somebody else and not me..." Finally, some honesty. This Rena could understand. She reached across the table and took his hand in hers. He was shaking. "Mulder, she does need you. And you are helping her. Without you, none of this would be any help at all. She needs you more than anything. Your love and your support, they're really the ONLY things that she needs. No kind of therapy is gonna do any good without that." She realized her mistake instantly. She should have made his role in this much clearer right from the start. "Mulder, I should apologize too. I think I inadvertently made you feel left out of this and that's not the impression I wanted to give at all. You need to be a part of this or it's not gonna work." He shook his head and pulled his hand from hers. He started wiping his face angrily. "No. You were right to do that. I can't help her. All I do is hurt her every time I go near her. The best thing I could do for her is stay the hell out of this." "Mulder, for God's sake..." she took a deep, calming breath. She was trying to be patient with him but his self loathing was a stubborn, frustrating force to be reckoned with. "All you have to do is talk to her for five minutes to realize how important you are to her, how much she values your presence and your support. Every time I've been in there and you haven't her first words to me have been 'where's Mulder?' She gets hysterical if she thinks you might be in some kind of trouble. Part of her trauma is feeling like you are in danger and she can't help you. Mulder, she needs you there right now. Maybe more than she's ever needed you in her life." Rena didn't know what else to say about it to convince him. It seemed like such an obvious thing to her. The person you love more than anyone, the person who loves you more than life itself, as he so obviously loved Dana, that was the only person who could ever really help you when it came right down to it. Why was this such a mystery to Mulder? He looked at her quizzically and sniffled. "But I already do that. I mean I can't even help that. I wanna know what I can actually DO. How can I make it better?" "You don't need to do anything Mulder. Just love her. That's all. Be there. Hold her, talk to her and let her know that you will be with her no matter what, that you support her decisions and that you want her to get better." "I've been doing all of that." Rena sighed, exasperated. He wanted an actual task. Well, she had one for him but it was probably the most difficult thing she could ask of him. "Alright, then take care of yourself Mulder. Eat, sleep, relax, watch a goddamn movie or something, stop blaming yourself for everything bad that's happened to her and every setback she has now. If you're not healthy, she won't be either." "I don't understand...how does that help her?" "Mulder, Dana's not the only one who needs to heal. You're both sick and it's the same sickness. You're sharing it. Until one of you gets better, the other one will always be sick. The more you can do to help yourself, the better she will feel." He was looking at her like she was trying to tell him the Earth was flat. How could anyone be so thick-headed? "Mulder, don't you think you'll feel better when she gets out of the hospital, when she stops having these dreams and starts eating again?" "Of course, but..." "Well it works both ways." part 7 Thursday 9:40 AM "Mulder? What're you doing here?" Scully scooted herself upright in the bed and set the pathology journal she'd been trying to read for the last two hours on her bedside table. Rena would be here any moment and she wasn't so sure it was a good idea that Mulder be around for their session. "I uh, I came to uh, to just be here with you." "Oh." Did he mean he was going to stay or did he not know Rena was coming? "Mulder, you know Rena is going to be here any minute, don't you?" He sucked his lips inward and nodded mutely. "Hey, Scully," he started in his ever famous non subtle way of changing the subject. "You look...it's amazing...but you look a hundred times better than you did yesterday." He broke off and just stared at her, shaking his head. His eyes wandered over to the table and he spotted her breakfast dishes, everything eaten save the melons in the fruit cup. "You ate...breakfast...Scully," he said in absolute amazement. He looked at her some more, scrutinizingly, studying her features as though he were making sure she was real. "Man, Scully...I just don't believe it. How...how do you feel?" "Um, actually," she paused and assessed the way she felt. "Actually, it is pretty amazing. I don't even remember waking up once last night." A thought occurred to her suddenly. "Mulder, you...you didn't stay in here last night, did you?" He almost looked frightened at her question. "Uh, no, I didn't. Uh...little Charlie wanted to see where we worked and so I took him to show him our office." Scully smiled. "Oh, I'll bet he liked that." "Yeah," Mulder smiled too. "He was pretty fascinated with all our stuff. He thought the fluke man was 'neato' so I printed a copy of it's picture off the computer so he could take it back home with him." Scully raised her eyebrows and crinkled her nose. "Oh my mom oughtta love that one." "So anyway, I ended up taking him back to my apartment and he fell asleep in my chair. I didn't have the heart to wake him, so I let him sleep in my bed and I spent the night there with him. I'm, um...I'm sorry I didn't come back." "No, please don't be," she reassured him. She was ecstatic to know that he'd done something normal with his time and he looked a hundred times better himself having slept in his own home. "I hope you don't feel dejected when I say that I don't think I even missed you." "That's okay. Somehow...somehow I kinda knew that." They smiled at one another and then fell silent. Scully tried to bring herself to warn Mulder that Rena would be here any second, but something inside her hoped that he would just change his mind and stay. She was already starting to feel a little nervous about the session, even though it seemed to have made a huge difference already. They both jumped when they heard the door click open. Scully looked at Mulder, who was the first to greet Rena. Her heart pounded and her soul screamed at Mulder to please stay with her. "Good...morning," Rena returned Mulder's greeting and then stood at the foot of the bed uncomfortably. After a moment, she caught a look at Scully and her eyes widened. "Dana, look at you! My God! Have you seen yourself?" Scully smiled a little at looked at Mulder. "No, but Mulder has and he had pretty much the same response." "I don't believe it myself. I mean, wow...what a difference." "You don't really think, Rena," Scully began, "Is it really just simply from what we've been doing?" Rena circled her shoulder backward once and raised her hands. "I...I can't think of anything else it could be. They haven't changed your medication or anything?" "No. I did eat last night and this morning though." Rena stood there and shook her head. "Well, it's certainly a marked improvement. However," she hesitated and looked at Mulder and then back at Scully again. "I don't think we're completely through yet. It's only been a couple days." "I know," Scully agreed. She waited for Rena to take a seat next to her, but she merely stood there, as though she were waiting for permission to do so. "Uh..." Rena started. "Thanks so much, Mulder, for taking Charlie last night. He can't stop talking about you, you know. I think his father's going through premature empty nest syndrome." Mulder chuckled and told her that it was no problem at all and then the trio became silent once again. Finally Mulder spoke. "Uh, so um...are you going to get started?" "Yeah, I was hoping to..." she trailed off. "Did you need me to sit someplace else? Or is this okay right here?" Scully's heart rejoiced. He was going to stay, he cared, he wanted to be there. She consciously resolved to make this session really count, to really make it effective. Rena sat beside her and set down her notepad. She took one last look at Mulder and then addressed Scully. "Alright, Dana, today I really wanted to address what happened the other day with the mirror." Scully felt her shoulder immediately tighten. She could do this, even with Mulder here. She let out a breath and said, "Yeah. Okay." "Now, go back to the day that it happened. The day that Jane attacked you with the knife. Remember what you were seeing, what you were feeling, even what smells you remember." Both Mulder and Rena watched as Scully shut her eyes and thought for a very long time. After a minute or so, she pinched her brows and let out a breath. Rena took her cue from this. "Okay, what are you feeling right now?" "I can't believe this is happening to me, I remember thinking. I couldn't believe that this woman could really be so...diabolical." She stopped and let out a breath. "If she was doing this to me...What...what was she doing to Mulder? She was going to kill me and I would never get to tell him. I should have told him so long ago..." "Okay, stay with that, Dana, stay with it. How are you feeling. What does that make you feel?" "Sad. So very sad. Regret. Regret that I can feel in my soul. Regret that I never told him. If I had told him, I would never be in this situation." Rena nodded as she wrote on her notepad. Scully assigned a rating to it and wiped the perspiration from her brow. Then Rena asked her to "Now tell me how you want to feel about what happened to you." "I wanna feel...I wanna know that it wasn't my last chance. It wouldn't be my last chance. That it wasn't ruined." She was looking at Rena, but almost past her in a way, as though she were watching on some sort of invisible monitor the events replaying in her mind. "Okay, watch my hand, alright?" Rena asked of her and Scully reached out for Mulder's hand, almost straining to feel for it. Finally he grabbed it and she held on tight as she watched Rena's finger. But suddenly Scully jerked in her place. She made a gasping noise and her eyes were wide. Then she made an awful face and began to make gagging movements. She ripped her hand away from Mulder's and dropped her head to the side of the bed. Mulder looked at Rena once with great fear and ran around to the other side of the bed. She wasn't producing any vomit, just dry heaving. "Scully...Scully what is it? What is it?" "There were bugs...maggots," she cried. "She fed them to me, they were everywhere...I ate them. Oh God." She sat up and her eyes were red and teary. "It was awful... she...laughed at me and taunted me and I thought... Mulder, I thought you weren't ever going to find me...I didn't want to die here like this...Not before I..." Mulder got into the bed with her so that he could hold her around the shoulders. "Okay, Dana, let's work with that image," Rena said. I know it hurts, but we need to get it out. Now look at me. Watch my finger." As Mulder held on tightly to her, she nodded and obeyed Rena's request. She imagined herself back at Jane's trapped and scared and in severe pain and bleeding. She relived it, she looked at those memories, she replayed them over and over. She would overpower Jane. Before Scully could even think anymore about it, Rena was dropping her hand. She was now aware that her body was drenched in sweat. She had no idea how much these memories were effecting her entire body, let alone her emotions. "Okay?" It was Mulder, who was breathing just as heavily. "Yeah." "Okay, then. Tell me how you'd rather feel about what happened there." "I am stronger than her and Mulder will be safe." Rena told her to concentrate on that statement as she completed another set of passes in front of Scully's eyes. Almost immediately Scully felt herself relax, her grip on Mulder's hand loosening greatly. It was easier this time to believe that positive statement with him there. For the first time in a long time she was absolutely certain that they were both really and truly safe. Saturday 10:00 a.m. Scully shifted again and again in her bed. She felt restless. She had tried ever since Mulder had left her last night to sleep, yet she couldn't. She was bored and tired of sitting in the stupid hospital bed. Mulder hadn't been back since then, either. Scully hoped that he'd chosen to find a waiting room couch to sleep on, since it looked to her like he hadn't been sleeping well for a very long time. Perhaps he was making up for that loss right now. Then it occurred to her than she no longer felt as uneasy about his absence. She thought back to last night when she woke up when she heard the door click shut as Mulder left the room, but felt no panic. She heard the door click and turned quickly around. "Mulder?" "No, I'm sorry, it's just me and Charlie, no one special," Rena apologized. "Jailbird!" Scully exclaimed as she wrapped her good arm around her brother. "Look at that smile," Charlie praised. "I haven't seen that for a long time. Howya feeling?" Scully considered that for a moment. She definitely felt markedly different than she did yesterday. She felt great, actually. Lighter. And the aches that had been present since she'd been in the hospital seemed to have miraculously lessened. Amazingly so. "I feel..." Rena and Charlie regarded her in great anticipation at what announcement she would make. Scully chuckled a little to herself. "You guys, I feel great. It's unbelievable." She paused and an idea came to her. "In fact, you know what I'd like to do?" "What's that, Dana?" Charlie asked excitedly. "I wanna try and walk," she stated. "Walk? Are you sure?" both Rena and Charlie said in unison. Scully nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. I think I can do it. At least a little bit." Rena smiled. "I think you can, too." Charlie and Rena each stood on one side of Scully to lend her support as she got out of the bed. Charlie was extremely nervous, but that was lessened by the fact that Rena seemed unconcerned about Scully's little venture. When they reached the door, Scully turned to her brother and said, "I'm ready. You can let go. Just be there to catch, alright?" He conceded and Scully proceeded down the hall away from her room. One of the nurses stopped and applauded Scully on her improvement, citing how unbelievable it was. For as silly as it was, Scully felt pride welling in her breast. Something had worked, whatever it may have been. She felt different, she was regaining her control. She felt it everywhere in her body. A good feeling, not the horrible feeling she'd had for so long, as far back as before the day she met Jane Harris or whatever the hell her name was. xxxxxx Mulder got into the elevator for the millionth time to head back to Scully's room. He felt that familiar sickness in his gut again. For the past few hours, he'd been stewing about how he was going to apologize for his behavior - all of it - and decided that he would do it soon. As in today. But how the hell was he going to even start something like that? And what if when he got there, Charlie was there or Bill or her mother or something? Then he knew he would chicken out. And if Rena was there, he'd feel guilty about the whole thing all over again. Well, guiltier anyway. Shit shit shit and shit, he thought as the elevator doors slid open. He'd kind of hoped they would never open, that he'd get stuck and then he'd have a legitimate reason to be able to put off the inevitable. He went to Scully's room, only to find it completely empty. Shit shit. Where the hell was she? Had they moved her on him? To where? The psyche ward? Or maybe she had to have emergency surgery for some unexpected complication she had. Damn that Bill, keeping this important thing from him like Mulder meant nothing to Scully. Like she meant nothing to him. Ready to track that damn Bill down and give him a piece of his mind, he stormed out of the room and down the hall. That's when he saw her. That beautiful red hair and the tiny frame he so admired. And her face. She was smiling, with...could it be pride? Mulder I can walk, she was saying with her eyes. He heard it loud and clear. And all he could do was stand there, feeling like a part of his soul was being released from ensnarement. She smiled even bigger and he felt his heart pounding in his stomach. He continued to stand, frozen in time, as she made her way over to him. His legs were shaking so badly he thought he might fall down if he tried to move. So he waited. And when she reached him, she wrapped her left arm around his waist and pressed her cheek to his chest. Mulder put his arms around her, attempting to wrap his entire body around her so she could feel what he was feeling. This relief, this happiness he felt in every cell of his body. To his amazement, she remained in his arms, resting her body against his. Thinking she was waiting for him to say something, he spoke. "Scully..." But she was shaking her head. "No, Mulder, not now. Just, let's just be." "Whatever you want Scully. Whatever you need." xxxxxx 7:30 PM Mulder stared blankly out the window, seeing nothing. His stomach rumbled disagreeably and his legs were tapping on the floor in a non stop rhythm. He couldn't remember feeling this nervous in a very long time. He knawed on the fingernail of his thumb. It was practically worn down to the cuticle at this point. The sound of the second hand traveling around the clock on the wall seemed excessively loud. It echoed in his ears and his chest. Every second that passed was another second closer to the second that Scully would wake up. He glanced at her, certain that she was about to open her eyes, but she was still sleeping soundly. Thank God. He started to run through the words he'd rehearsed in his mind almost a hundred times already. It was a beautiful speech full of flourish and heart felt remorse. It was relatively short but sufficiently dramatic. It was practiced to perfection and as soon as she woke up he would be ready to deliver it. It had taken him weeks to formulate just the right words, the clearest and most sincere way to express his regret over the way he'd behaved towards her before Jane had taken her and it was finally time to spill his guts on the floor in front of her. He just hoped she didn't interrupt him because then he might forget the lines. And when it was over, he could only pray that she would forgive him. He felt like he was twelve years old and about to give his first oral report. Scully, I would like to express my deepest apology.... "Penny for your thoughts." His entire body jerked in the chair and he had to restrain himself from actually screaming. Once he'd caught his breath he looked at her. The orange light radiating from the sunset through the window cast a glow that caused her skin to look as stunning as liquid fire. Her hair was mussed and her eyes were cloudy with sleep. She sat up and stretched her unbroken arm over her head and the silk of her pajama top strained against her breasts. And he forgot every last word of his speech. "Uh, how long have you been awake?" he asked idiotically. "Since you came in," she answered with a smile. Great, that was just great. "Oh", was all he said. "Mulder, is there something on your mind?" She'd been awake the whole time, watching him secretly as he ruminated about something and chewed his finger off. She knew he was upset, not only because she could see his chest rising and falling at a rapid pace, but more so because she could feel it. Deep in her stomach, a feeling that was making her almost ill. "We don't have to talk about it now Scully." "We don't have to but it wouldn't hurt, would it?" Okay, she was in persistent Scully mode again. He could deal with that. He shrugged and sighed and stared out the window again. "Mulder?" "It's nothing Scully, really." "I'm gonna get better, Mulder." He grinned despite himself to hear her say that. He turned to her and the grin grew when he saw how certain and strong she seemed. "I know that Scully." She smiled back at him, relieved that her health or the method of treatment was no longer the basis of his worry. There was something else, though, and she had to find out what it was. "So, what is it then? What's wrong?" The grin disappeared and he sighed again. "Scully, it's not...just don't worry about it, okay?" Scully's heart began to race now and a million awful scenarios ran through her head. "No Mulder, it's not okay. You're starting to scare me now." She stared at him with fear in her eyes. He turned back to the window. "It's nothing. Really." "Mulder, it's obviously something or you wouldn't be sitting there with that look on your face." That look? He checked his reflection in the window. No look. Just his usual blank expression. "Scully, what look? I was just sitting here." "You have that look Mulder." No one else would ever see it, but she did. "Scully, there is no look." "Mulder, there is! I see it there right now." Goddamn her for this. She was about to send him jumping out the window to avoid her scrutiny. "Scully, what is it you think you see? You know me so well, what do YOU think is the matter with me?" He caught the mischievous look in her eyes and the way her lips curled into a smirk. "Mulder, I've been wondering that for years." Hopefully if she lightened his mood he'd feel more comfortable about talking. But instead he shut up completely, resuming his observation of nothing out her window. She sighed and said to him, "Mulder, what I see is that something is bothering you big time and, I don't mean to pry but since you're sitting next to my bed brooding about it, I'm kinda curious." God, what the hell was he supposed to tell her? Why didn't he write this crap down? How could he even start to explain... A thought occurred to Scully. More of a picture or an impression than a thought. She saw herself up against her kitchen counter, she could smell coffee grounds, she could feel Mulder's hands all over her body, she could hear them exchanging loud words. She let out a tight breath. "Mulder, is it...are you...are you thinking about that night? That night in my apartment?" His jaw went slack in shock. When the hell did she develop this goddamn psychic ability and why hadn't she told him about it? Or was it just written all over him? The guilt, the sickness, it had to be emanating from his very soul. He closed his mouth and sucked in a deep breath. His eyes closed and he nodded, unable to look her in the eye. "Oh Mulder, it's not...it doesn't matter anymore. I don't...I don't care about that." He had come over there because he was ready to make love to her and she'd pushed him away for such a silly reason. She'd never told him she was sorry for any of it. "I don't care about any of it, Jane, that stupid hearing...it's not important..." No, God no, she didn't understand. It was just like that night. She was avoiding the real issue, the real problem. He was going to have to explain it to her. "Scully, it's not just that. I mean, I'm sorry for that. I should have listened to you..." He risked a glance in her direction. She looked so...so...concerned. For him. He couldn't bear it. He stood up and turned completely away and towards the window. "I should have listened to you about Jane. You were right, as usual, and I should have known that. But it's not...it's more than that Scully." He wanted to take complete responsibility for what happened that night. Obviously there was more she needed to explain to him, more he needed to understand about the way she had reacted to him. Something she'd been afraid to admit to him up to now. "Mulder, I was upset with you because, I dunno, I had a bad feeling about Jane and I thought..." She drifted off and laughed nervously. "I thought that maybe...maybe there was um, I dunno, I thought that maybe something else going on with you two." "Scully...how...why?" She couldn't possibly have thought that he and Jane were....oh God, had she actually thought that? "I know, it's silly..." "Yeah, yeah it is. God Scully." How in God's name could she have thought that? Wasn't it obvious why he had been at her apartment in the first place? Scully's cheeks flushed in embarrassment at her admission. "I just...you seemed to be avoiding me a lot. You weren't around as much and you always seemed distracted and um, not really there with me completely even when you were around. I just, I couldn't understand why you would avoid me on purpose like that..." He put his hands on his hips and bowed his head. "Can't you see why Scully?" he whispered. She never heard him speak but rather continued on with her justification speech. "I know it was stupid to be jealous of Jane, I mean in retrospect it's obvious that you weren't involved with her in that way, but it was just so frustrating to me that you didn't seem to be listening to me anymore...that you were so far away after we seemed to be getting so...close." Could she have actually thought that he'd been avoiding her because he DIDN'T want to be close to her? Could she have seen it as some kind of rejection? He didn't understand how that could possibly be. "Scully..." "I guess that was why I was really so angry. It was just the fact that you seemed so absorbed with other things, that you didn't seem to be paying attention to the things I was telling you. But I mean, I know now that she was manipulating the situation to make it seem that way..." "Dammit Scully don't you understand this?" He turned to her angrily. This wasn't about Jane. Why couldn't she face the real issue here? Why couldn't she face who he was? "Understand wha.." His eyes were wild and for a moment she thought he was going to take and shake her. "I was avoiding you on purpose, Scully. To avoid doing exactly what I ended up doing that night!" God help her, she actually looked confused. "What you ended up doing Mulder?" She watched him run his hands through his hair twice, the look on his face as pained as when he had been hit by a car. He pinched his eyes closed and turned away from her, sighing loudly. "Scully this has nothing to do with Jane, or anything else. It's..." turned back toward her and pointed both his hands at his heart, "It's me, Scully. It's what's inside me." She was utterly confounded. "What's inside you? What does that mean?" He rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air. "What I was afraid I'd do to you Scully! What I did do to you! Jesus Christ!" "What you did?" He was starting to wonder if he'd have to draw her a diagram. He clenched his fists to keep from shaking her. "You...you mean the kissing?" Kissing. The kissing. That's what she wanted to call it. She looked so sincere, like that's all she really thought it was. He couldn't stand it. He just couldn't stand it. He bit his lip as he felt a sob of frustration and disbelief in his throat. "Kissing?" he choked out and turned away, "Yeah, I...I guess you could call it that. If you were being kind." This is what had him so worried. She chuckled a little bit to herself in disbelief. "Well Mulder, it's um, it's not exactly the way I thought our first kiss might be but, well, things with you rarely go as expected." Their first kiss? What the hell was wrong with her? She was talking about this as if it were an innocent peck in the rose garden. Had she revised history in her mind or was she trying to protect him from the truth? Or did she really not care? Had he manipulated and screwed with her head to the point where she would dismiss anything he did to her? "Dammit Scully, I practically raped you! Doesn't that bother you?" He clenched the windowsill in his fists, needing some support. He felt as though he might faint, having actually said the words. "Cause it bothers me Scully," he whimpered out. "It bothers me a lot." part 8 He'd tried to rape her that night. The thought sounded as foreign to her as Mulder trying to murder her. Thousands of sensations and memories came flooding back to her about that night, all of them reminding her of how completely thrilling it was to feel his hands on her bare skin, his warm tongue moving inside her mouth, his excited moans resonating in her ears. None of these feelings described to her rape of any kind. As she was silent Mulder was certain she was thinking back to that night, seeing it now as he thought it had really happened. He prepared himself for her anger, her hatred, her dismay. Why he brought it up in the first place? She was doing so much better. Why did he have to traumatize her yet again? "Rape?" she finally asked, her voice full of disbelief. "Mulder..." "It might as well have been Scully." "No, Mulder, that's just ridiculous. As soon as you heard me tell you to stop, you did. It wasn't even close to rape Mulder. Not even close." "I attacked you Scully!" he cried out, unable to conceive of how she could see things this way. "Well, yeah, kind of, but Mulder, you could never rape me. I knew that then, I know that now. I wasn't scared, Mulder. You could never..." "Don't be so sure about that Scully..." "Mulder, you couldn't." Her worry for him returned abruptly. He was refusing once again to believe that he was inherently a good person. A person worthy of being loved. "Look at me, Mulder." Look at her? How could he? "Scully, you don't know, you don't understand, you don't know what's inside me Scully, this sickness...I don't even know what I'm capable of anymore." "Sickness, Mulder, what the hell are you talking about?" This was verging on the point of ridiculousness now. "What sickness?" "I can't...I can't control it Scully...I can't stop it," he stammered. Why couldn't she see how fucked up he was? Did he have to tell her every sick thought, every perverted desire? "Control WHAT, Mulder?" "These feelings, this...this wanting, this constant...need. God, Scully, it's deranged, it's dangerous. I'm as bad as Jane. Worse because I'm supposed to be your friend..." "Mulder stop. Stop and listen to me..." "No Scully, you...you shouldn't even be around me at all, it's not safe. It's..." "Mulder, I need you too." She still didn't get it. She couldn't possibly understand what he meant. She couldn't need him the way he was talking about. Not Scully. Not him. Not like that. "Scully, I don't think you understand." "I do understand Mulder. I don't need anything or anyone but I need you. I need you in a way I didn't think was possible...dammit Mulder, look at me." Reluctantly he turned on his heel to face her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears, just like his own. Her eyes were begging him to believe. "Mulder, I NEED YOU." "Scully...no," "Mulder, yes." It was the truth. In whatever way she meant it, she was telling him the truth and it was a huge thing for her to say. It was a profound admission for the woman who, as she said, needed no one but herself. And he felt that in every fiber of his being. She needed him. Maybe not in the twisted way that he needed her but in some way. And maybe, just maybe, she could teach him how to need without hurting. Perhaps there was one way he would listen to her. If she finally told him, maybe it would change his perspective on her, on himself, on what it was that they meant to one another. "I..." she swallowed and looked down and he saw more tears falling from her closed lids, dripping onto the front of her pajamas. "I love you Mulder," she whispered. He took a step towards her on legs that had suddenly turned to jelly and she looked up again as he approached. She looked him straight in the eye. "I love you. Don't you know that?" He didn't know. Not really. At least he hadn't ever allowed himself to believe it. And to hear her say it now of all times, it was everything, absolutely everything. It was too much for him. He fell to his knees beside her bed, body wracked with sobs and threw his arms around her waist. How could she love him? How could she still love him? How could he have ever deserved this? She rocked him slowly as he cried into her lap, running her fingers through his hair and whispering words to him that he couldn't hear through his own whimpering. "I'm sorry Scully, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he repeated again and again. Sorry for everything. Sorry for being who he was, for letting her love him when he could only seem to hurt her, for every horrible thing that had happened to her since the day she met him, for everything. "Shh, Mulder, it's okay, it's all okay. I love you. It's okay." xxxxxx Monday 7:30 PM Rena entered Dana's room quietly. She appeared to be sleeping soundly for a change and Rena didn't want to ruin it for her. She just wanted to watch. It made her happy to think that the work she was doing was actually having some kind of effect. But as soon as she sat down on the chair beside the bed Scully's eyes fluttered open. "Mulder?" she reached out her hand and Rena took it. "No, it's just me, Dana." Scully turned to her and smiled sleepily. "Hi, Rena." She squeezed her hand once before letting it go. "How's the patient? Looked like you were sleeping pretty well there." Dana nodded and yawned. "Yeah, I guess I was. No dreams." "Great, that's great." She looked pretty well rested and she was more relaxed than Rena had seen her in a long time. "Yeah, it feels pretty great." Scully sighed deeply. "Rena, I want you to know that I really appreciate all you've been doing. I really wasn't sure it was going to work but you've been very helpful..." Rena sensed a qualifier attached to the end of that sentence. It seemed like she had something on her mind. "Hey, it's been great for me too. Very rewarding. Is there something else Dana?" Scully bit her lip and thought for a moment. "Well, like I said, you've helped so much, but I can't help but feel as though I could be doing more for myself. I was wondering if there was anything I could do on my own to sort of, um, help things along." Rena nodded in understanding. She hesitated only a moment and inhaled deeply to speak. "Well, sure there is. There are plenty of things that might help. Um, sometimes patients find keeping a journal of their dreams very helpful. Also, the body and the mind are completely interrelated, so anything you can do to make your body feel better is great. Sometimes yoga is very helpful, long baths, or you could get a massage therapist up here. Even..." Rena laughed a little, "Even the right kind of sex can be very therapeutic." Scully chuckled to herself. "Yeah, I...I suppose it can be, but um...not particularly likely in my situation." Rena looked up, entirely confused. "What do you mean? Haven't...haven't you and Mulder made love since this happened?" Scully's eyes grew wide and her mouth opened silently. She had no idea Rena thought she and Mulder were lovers. Which meant that's what Charlie thought as well. Could she possibly have built him up in Charlie's mind that way? "I...no...no." Scully shook her head and wrung her fingers together. "I'm sorry, that's not really my business. It's not like you've been in the most conducive environment for that and I guess you haven't really been up to it physically, anyway." If it were only that simple. "Um...well yeah there's that. Coupled with the fact that Mulder and I aren't lovers." This time it was Rena's jaw dropping to the floor. How could that possibly be? The way Mulder had been acting, she'd never seen a friend that possessive, that devoted, that well...husbandly. She wondered if Charlie knew that they weren't and if so, how he'd managed to forget to mention that to her. She cursed him silently for letting her make a fool of herself this way. She'd make him pay later. "You're not? Really?" "No, um...really, no." Scully looked sad suddenly and Rena was terribly embarrassed. "I'm sorry Dana, I guess I just assumed, I mean he's so...well, I just assumed. Stupid really. I mean it's not that unusual for a man and a woman to be really close without sleeping together. It's just that you guys seem *so* very close. It's, well, it's great that you can have that without the complications of a romantic relationship I suppose." But Rena didn't really believe that it was as simple as that. She shrugged and ran her hand through her hair. Her stomach was constricting and for the first time in a long time she felt like crying but for sorrow, not in fear. "Yeah, um, it's...it is great...really, really great." She was staring at the flowers on her bedtable, no longer looking at Rena. "Dana, you're no okay with it, are you?" "O...Okay with what?" "With the fact that you and Mulder aren't lovers? You seem kind of uncomfortable talking about it." "Uncom...no, no, it's fine. Of course, I mean why...it's fine." Rena had never seen her squirm like that. It wasn't fine. "Dana, I don't mean to pry..." "Listen...thanks, thanks for your suggestions, I'll take them all into consideration. You've been really, really wonderful to me, everything you've done." Scully looked down into her lap, waiting for Rena to make her exit now. "Dana, don't shut down about this." "About what? What are you talking about?" Rena was becoming more and more convinced that this was vitally important, that it was the one stumbling block left for Dana to overcome. "What I'm saying is, if there are unresolved issues there, it might help to address those, to even just talk about it some. If you don't feel comfortable talking with me about it..." "No, there's no...it's not...we don't have unresolved...." She sighed and closed her eyes. Her involuntary celibacy couldn't possibly have anything to do with her rate of recovery. This prying was so out of character for Rena and Scully was beginning to really feel seriously uncomfortable. "It's fine, it's...it's not related." Rena leaned over and took her hand again. "It's all related. Everything in your life is related to this." "Rena...I don't....it's not..." Rena saw something close to panic in Scully's eyes. She recognized the expression from their sessions. It was the look she got when something came up that she didn't want to deal with at all. Something that was holding her back in a serious way. "Dana, you don't have to talk to me about this. It's not technically part of your trauma or anything. All I'm saying is that it might help to get some things off your chest. It might free you up inside a little bit." Scully wasn't entirely sure she should share what was on her mind. If she couldn't even share it with Mulder, then what the hell was she doing talking to Rena about it? Let alone the fact that she didn't even know exactly herself how she was really feeling about it. She did wish sometimes that she had someone else to talk to about it. Lately she found herself talking out loud in her apartment to absolutely no one when this would start to eat at her. And she would never to talk to her mother about her sex life, especially when it, or the lack thereof, had everything to do with Mulder. Besides there was always present the concern that she'd run off and tell Bill everything she said. But could she really talk to her brother's wife about something like this, either? "It doesn't have to be like therapy, Dana. Just as a friend, I'd be happy to just listen." Scully raised her shoulders slightly and inhaled as though she were going to speak, but stopped herself. Rena felt terribly sad for her. She really didn't feel like she could trust anyone with even the most basic things. "And I promise, no unsolicited advice, no judgments. You just talk." Dana smiled faintly and shrugged again. "Well, like I said, there's nothing to really say, no real problems or issues or...." She sighed deeply and shook her head. "I dunno Rena, it's all, of course, very complicated." "Okay, that's a start. Complicated how?" "I dunno, Mulder and I are...we've been through a lot together. We're very close." She paused for a long time and Rena wondered if that was all she was going to say. "Right, I got that much." "One of the first nights after I met Mulder, I went to his hotel room, scared out of my mind because of these stupid mosquito bites." She shook her head and pointed behind her, over her shoulder. "And I dropped my robe and just stood there in my underwear and let him examine my back." Scully felt very shaky upon having told someone that finally. She hadn't ever told anyone that, not even Charlie, and had never intended to do so. But she told Rena now because, because somehow it all did seem related. "I know that probably sounds strange to you but, I dunno..." She shook her head in disbelief at herself, as though she had only this moment realized the meaning behind what she had done that night. "That's how much I trusted him. Just instantly. I mean, that's not really the kind of thing a female agent should be doing on her first case with her new partner. Quite a way to make a first impression, huh?" "Oh, I'm sure you made an impression Dana," Rena joked. She couldn't help it. She was trying to imagine Mulder's face at that moment and the picture that came to mind was just priceless. Scully smiled and nodded, still not looking directly at her sister-in-law. "I suppose I did in a way. But I just *knew* that I was safe with him, that he wouldn't think less of me for it." Her heart pounded faster and faster as this new awareness became more and more concrete to her. "So, anyway, that was the beginning, and since then I feel like I've grown to trust him impossibly more every day. I mean I never thought I could trust anyone as much as I trusted him that first night, but every day it just grows." Rena knew that much already. She had sensed that intense trust between them from the moment she'd first seen them together here in her room. It was the most obvious thing in the world. "So...were you attracted to him?" she asked. She realized it wasn't the most subtle way of getting her to discuss it, but it seemed like Scully needed a little prompting. Scully blushed a little and fidgeted with the blanket. A resounding 'yes!' was screaming from within her soul, yet she held back. "Um...well, yeah. I mean....who wouldn't have been, right?" she laughed nervously and Rena returned it. "I...I was, right from the beginning. But it seemed like something that I should just kind of ignore. I mean, we flirted a lot in the beginning but I felt like it wouldn't really be appropriate to pursue it anymore than that. I was just starting out in this job and I didn't want to jeopardize it. And besides, he seemed so obsessed with his work, with finding his sister, I didn't think there was room in his life for that kind of relationship. I figured I'd always be second." Rena could hardly believe that Scully would have ever thought that. It was so glaringly apparent that she was not only the first, but actually the only priority in Mulder's life. "So you didn't express that attraction to him?" "Well, no. I mean, I think he knew. It was probably obvious. But I never said anything about it." She said those words with a tinge of regret in her voice and in her gut. "We got to be very close really quickly and then suddenly he was the most important thing in my life. I don't really know how or when that happened. I didn't plan it and it scared me when I first realized that it was true, but still it was just a fact of my life. He was everything to me. Is...He still is." "I think you're that to him too, Dana." Scully smiled. "Yeah, I guess so. I dunno, that was part of the problem. I started to realize that and it scared me." "Why?" Scully prepared herself to tell Rena something she'd never even told herself. Ever intent on folding down the blanket in her bed, she attempted to put it all into actual words. "I'm not entirely sure. I suppose because it made it so real. It's like we..." she trailed off in attempt to find better words. "I started to feel like we were so much a part of one another, like we actually lived inside of each other, existed only for each other. It's a little frightening to discover that." Rena knew that feeling pretty well herself. It was terrifying to feel as though you were being swallowed whole by a relationship, by your love for another. She uncrossed her legs and leaned a bit closer toward Scully. "Dana, how were things between you right before this happened? Before Jane." "Um...hard to describe, really. Several months ago, Mulder and I went through kind of an ordeal." Rena tried not to smile at that. When were these two not going through an ordeal? "I...I almost quit the bureau completely and Mulder, he..." Scully paused, searching for the right words. "He was unhappy about my decision." "I'll bet." "He um, he said some things and he...well, he tried to kiss me." "Tried? Did you stop him?" "No, not as such. I was..." Dana chuckled and shook her head, "I was stung by a bee right before our lips could touch. And then the next thing I remember was Mulder resuscitating me in the arctic." "A bee? That's how the two of you ended up in there?" Rena couldn't help but laugh this time. How unlucky could you get? She didn't ask anymore questions, though, for she knew that whatever had brought them there could still be threatening their lives. Rena didn't think Scully had told Charlie even that much of the story. "Well, that all over and our partnership resumed as we had been functioning before, things have been a little, um... strained, I guess." "So what did he say when you guys talked about it?" "Talked?" Scully looked utterly confused. "You didn't..." "No, no we didn't. We never really do." Oh brother. Rena was beginning to understand the scope of the denial she was dealing with here. "We just kind of went on." "Dana um..." she tried to think of a kind way to put this, something to get through to Scully without actually smacking her. "There is something to be said for restraint, for letting things build and uh, keeping some suspense, but...after six years suspense can give way to a frustration bordering on insanity." Scully knew that insanity well. It was what kept her hands busy nearly every night. "You think I don't know that? Rena, there are some days when all I do is think about what it would be like..." she drifted off and blushed. "At any rate, things kind of exploded in our faces as far as that's concerned the night before Jane took me." "What happened?" "Mulder came to my apartment. Drunk. Very very drunk." "Uh-oh" "Yeah, uh-oh. I was mad as hell at him to start with because of some silly thing at work, the details of which are really unimportant now. We actually have talked about the things that happened that night but the point is he did kiss me that night. He kissed me and he touched me and he said these...things to me." She paused because she needed to. Her memory was replaying for her those moments now and she felt weak from the sensations. Why had she turned him away? Closing her eyes, she let out a breath. "God, Rena, the things he said to me." "So what..." "It was wrong. It was the wrong time. I was furious with him for having let me down at work and I thought he was just trying to distract me. We had a horrible fight and I threw him out of my apartment." The more Rena learned about their relationship, the more Mulder's guilt ridden psyche began to make sense to Rena. He had to have been torturing himself over that night all this time. "Like I said, we did talk about it, a little anyway, but the point is, he has the worst timing in the world, Rena." "Okay, but did you like what he was doing to you? I mean I know you were angry but how did..." Dare she try to ask her this? "Did it feel good Dana?" Scully felt her entire body shudder warmly at Rena's question. She nodded reluctantly. "That was part of the reason I was so angry, I think. I was supposed to be mad. He was ruining my whole plan." Control. It was all about control again. It was obvious to Rena that Scully wasn't about to let this happen unless it was on her terms, when she decided it was time. "So, he's got bad timing, Dana. You decide the time then." "What...what do you mean?" She was blushing again. The problem was becoming increasingly clear. She knew exactly why Rena was leading her in this direction. To show her that neither of them was going to let this happen at this point unless Scully made it happen. But still she was afraid. "I mean you've gotta just decide tonight is the night. You announce it; 'I am going to make love to this man and nothing is gonna stop me' and then just do it. It's obvious that he's more than ready and willing Dana." Just do it, huh? "But, how do I know...when do I..." "Whenever. It doesn't matter. In a week, tomorrow, hell why not tonight?" "T...tonight?" "Or you could just wait till you're both in a rest home." Part 9 Rena was absolutely right. There was no longer a solid enough reason to stay with things the way they were. And there was no reason to fear it. It was Mulder, her partner, her dearest friend. Her lover. From this moment and forever, to make love to and be loved by him only... "Um...Dana?" "Huh, oh, right." She cleared her throat and smiled self consciously. "It's just...it's complicated." "Complicated again. Alright, fine then. If it's too complicated for you I guess you shouldn't do anything. I mean hey, you'll be missing out on one of the deepest and most meaningful relationships probably in the history of the world, not to mention the chance to kiss a washboard stomach, but those things aren't all that important." "I..." Dana drifted off and her eyes became glassy again. Washboard stomach. Yes, Mulder certainly had one of those, beautifully toned and strong, and she saw herself straddled across his legs, her hands balancing herself on that part of his body, feeling the muscles contract under her fingers as he thrusts himself up towards her... "You...you've seen his stomach?" Rena laughed and shook her head, "I'm an artist though, remember? I've got a hell of an imagination." Dana sighed, still picturing herself getting the life fucked out of her, and leaned back against the pillows. She was feeling quite warm now and much more relaxed than when they had first begun this conversation. "Rena, I know you're happily married and all but, have you seen the way his butt looks in jeans?" Rena nodded enthusiastically. A woman would have to be dead not to notice that. "He does have a great ass Dana. And his lips..." Her heart leapt into her throat at Rena's suggestion. She groaned and shut her eyes. She remembered those lips well, gnawing at her neck and feeling their way around her own. God, how she wished she could do that again. "Rena please, don't even talk about that." "Why not? He's yours, all you've gotta do is take him. Those lips could belong to you Dana. And I'll bet he'd do whatever you wanted him to with them." Scully's eyes flew open and her skin flushed a even deeper shade of crimson. She forced herself to keep from embarrassing herself by moaning out loud. "Rena, do you have any idea how many times I've seen him naked?" Rena laughed, "No Dana, I don't, but I'll bet you've counted huh?" "I mean most of the time he's been almost dead and I've been inserting a catheter or something but still..." Poor woman. Rena couldn't imagine living with this kind of frustration and temptation day after day. She must have the restraint of a nun. "I noticed you said most of the time," she noted leadingly. "Uh, well...there was one time. It wasn't exactly the greatest circumstance for me but Mulder was um...quite healthy." The corners of Scully's lips curled into a grin that was almost lascivious. "Um, details please." "Well, when I was at Jane's, those pictures of Mulder I told you she had?" Rena nodded and winced. Dana seemed to be able to talk about the whole situation without any kind of difficulty though and that made Rena very happy to see. "Anyway, one of those pictures, well it was a series of pictures, really..." Scully looked around nervously as if she were afraid someone else might be listening. "Pictures of him naked?" "Yes. But that's only part of it." She brought the back of her hand to her face to feel just how warm she had gotten. "He was, um, well, I probably shouldn't even be telling you about this..." "Dammit, woman! Don't be a tease." "He was um, kind of masturbating." Scully's voice cracked on the last word of that sentence. "Kind of." Rena was alarmed to find herself getting a little turned on just thinking this. "Okay well, not kind of. Really." "Really?" "Really." "Oh Jesus Dana," Rena breathed out. She wondered if she could get her hands on those pictures. Happily married woman, you are a happily married woman, she reminded herself. When this conversation was over she'd have to track Charlie down and make him remind her. "Rena, I don't usually, I mean I don't normally care about..." "Yes?" "Well, what I'm saying is, I'm not really a big fan of the male organ as a general rule, but, how do I say this..." "Impressive?" Dana's eyes grew wide and she nodded enthusiastically. Very impressive. "I see. Well you did, anyway." "I can't believe that I keep just thinking about it, Rena. Is that weird, do you think? I mean not just as a disembodied thing but the whole thing, the whole image." Weird? Rena couldn't stop thinking about the image herself and she hadn't even seen it. "No Dana, that's not weird. Not at all." "He was just so...so..." "Hot?" Scully blushed even more and nodded. Hot. Same word she used to describe to her sister the man she had a crush on in high school. But Mulder was hot. And he made her hot, too. All the time. "I keep wondering what he was thinking about, you know?" "Mmmm...I'm gonna hazard a guess here and say: you!" "I dunno..." "Dana, you have to be all the guy ever thinks about." Scully shook her head and frowned, "I'm not so sure about that. I mean he's got the biggest collection of porn I've ever seen in my life." "Really? That's very interesting." Scully raised an eyebrow. "How is that interesting?" "Well, for two reasons, really. First of all it shows that he's relieving himself with something other than another woman and second of all the fact that you know about it, that he doesn't try to hide it from you, shows that he wants you to know that he's one, not gay and two, not screwing around with anyone else." Scully stared out the window with a glassy look again. Six years. It was entirely possible that he had slept with no woman in all the time she'd been his partner. She had always wondered, too. Especially as of late. It seemed every time she looked at him, he had an erection of some degree, and it was becoming nearly impossible to keep pretending she didn't notice. "So Dana, do you feel bad about thinking about these pictures or something?" Scully was interrupted by the question. "No, no not bad exactly. I don't know what it is, really. I mean, I kind of feel like I violated him or something. Or maybe he'd feel guilty about the way I saw them." She laughed nervously. "I can't believe I'm telling you any of this." Violated him? Rena tried to imagine Mulder's response to this whole thing and she was relatively certain the last thing on his mind would be the violation of his privacy. The poor guy would probably just drop dead on the spot. "Well, if you feel guilty about it, tell him. Confess." Rena tried not to laugh out loud at the image of Mulder's face upon hearing Dana's confession. "Oh God Rena, I couldn't do that. First of all he'd be totally embarrassed. Second of all, I'd be totally embarrassed." "I dunno about that. You may be right but I think it would turn him on too much to even care." Scully breathed deeply as a wave of sensation passed through her chest and up the back of her neck. I can turn Mulder on, was the thought that was running through her head. This would turn him on. Dear God, she wasn't sure she could handle much more of this conversation and Mulder wasn't even in the room. "You...you really think so?" "Dana, he is a man, right? Refresh my memory here." "Well, I think I've seen enough proof to give a definitive yes to that." Mulder gets horny. For her. He gets erections. Because of her. It was all too amazing to even think about. Scully's eyelids began to get heavy and her head swayed a little. Wonder what it feels like... "Yeah, you certainly have. Dana, when you say impressive, I mean...really?" Rena interrupted her fantasizing only to further encourage it. "Oh...Rena, God, I've never seen...Really. Really really." "Really really?" Rena repeated, giggling. "Really, really, really, really...." Scully broke off into her own fit of giggles. xxxxxx The door to Scully's room was partially opened when Mulder arrived. He paused for a minute outside. There was a strange noise coming from inside. It was...giggling. He wondered for a minute if maybe Scully had been moved to another room and this one had been taken over by a teen-aged girl. Scully never giggled. Never. He pushed the door completely open and discovered, not for the first time, that he was wrong. It was Scully. She was sitting up in bed with her hands over her mouth giggling like a little girl. Rena was sitting in what he now thought of as his chair acting the same way. It was bizarre. It was surreal. It was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Whatever Rena had done he would be forever grateful. He'd never seen Scully so openly giddy before. She was so relaxed and exposed. It was a totally new side of her. It was almost like seeing her naked. And his body responded in much the same way as it would have in that situation. Thankful he hadn't worn his leather jacket tonight, he pulled his overcoat closed and cleared his throat. "What's so funny?" he asked. Both women jumped at the sound of his voice. Scully bit her lip and stopped laughing. "Um...n...nothing." Her eyes were wide with something close to panic and her cheeks were bright red. She looked about ready to burst. He looked over at Rena again. She was still laughing in little spurts and she just shrugged at his questioning glance. "Nothing, huh? Well whatever you guys are on can I have some?" "I don't think so." Rena answered with more giggles. Scully started shaking with the effort to keep a lid on her hysterics. Mulder started to wonder if maybe there was something on his face or something. The way they were looking at him, he felt like some kind of specimen on a microscope. He wiped his mouth with his hand and ran a hand through his hair. "Well uh, if I'm interrupting something I can come back..." "No, we were just talking. Um, girl stuff you know." Rena said, as if this were an actual explanation. "I was really just about to leave." "Oh, well I brought a movie..." He was about to ask Rena if she'd like to stay and watch it with them but he didn't get a chance because both of them seemed to lose all composure at that point. Scully was laughing so hard there were tears coming out of her eyes. He smiled and laughed stupidly even though he had no idea what the hell was so funny. He just felt like a complete moron standing there doing nothing with the two of them going on like that. "Okay," Rena managed to get out, "Now I KNOW I've gotta go." Mulder was almost glad to see her leave at this point. She leaned over and hugged Scully who was wiping her eyes with her fingers and seemed to be calming down a little. Rena kissed her on the cheek and whispered something in her ear. Scully nodded and Rena stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow, Dana." She walked past Mulder and gave him the strangest look and then let out another snort of laughter. "Bye, Mulder." "Uh, bye." Rena left and closed the door behind her. Once she was safely out of ear shot Mulder turned to Scully and asked, "What the hell was her problem?" Scully still looked on the verge of another fit but she just shrugged. God, she was beautiful. He'd never seen her like this in his life. He didn't even care if they had been laughing at him. He took the video tape out of his pocket and held it up, "Planet of the Apes, Scully." He held up his other hand and showed her the paper bag, "I even brought some microwave popcorn." She grinned and nodded. Thank God she didn't seen to have some kind of popcorn trauma he didn't know about. "That's nice Mulder, why don't you put it in-on. Put it on, Mulder." Wow, a whole sentence. She was definitely a lot calmer now. He felt a strange and stupid pang of jealousy in his stomach. What was this power that Rena had and how could he get it? Why, in six years of trying like hell to even get a smirk out of her, had he never seen her laugh like that? He knew it was silly and he was really glad to see how much better she was feeling but still, he wanted to make her giggle. He popped the tape in the VCR and turned the overhead lights off so that the only illumination was coming from Scully's bedside lamp. He sat in his chair and took his coat off. Then he realized he was still pathetically hard. Maybe it was a good thing he couldn't make Scully act that way. Then he heard her snort a little followed by a cough. Oh, fuck. Had she noticed? He crossed his legs and put the popcorn bag on his lap. The movie he'd already seen at least twenty times started and Mulder found his thoughts drifting almost immediately. Drifting to the same thing he'd been fixating on for the past forty-eight hours. Scully loves me. The more time that passed, the more he let it set in, the more amazing it became. Part of him kept waiting for her to retract the statement, it was the heat of the moment, she'd been trying to make him feel better, something, but she hadn't. It was still out there and it was still the truth. And it was still his turn to say it back. He was absolutely certain that she knew he loved her. Everyone in the world knew that he loved her. Their friends, their families, their enemies, everyone. She had to know it. But still, he needed to say it, to make it real and tangible for her. It was taking all the power Scully had within her not to start laughing at him again. She knew he was feeling self- conscious about her and Rena's little fit a moment ago and she felt a tiny bit guilty for that. Until she saw the way his pants were bulging out. She felt another warm rush pass through her and another bout of laughter threatening to overtake her. It was adorable, really, if such a thing as an erection could be described that way. He was squirming around in the chair, trying his hardest to be casual about it. Scully watched as it seemed to almost grow more as he sat there, poorly concealing it with his bag of popcorn. He has such amazingly gorgeous hands, Scully thought to herself as she watched him dig into the bag and bring a handful of popcorn to his mouth. It was that wonderfully greasy kind that Mulder loved, so the butter was all over his fingers, dripping down his palm as he lifted it to his mouth, only to leave that greasy butter behind on his full bottom lip, glistening in the light from the television. Scully bit down on her own lip to keep from moaning. Tonight, Rena had said. Just do it. She knew what she was talking about. Scully didn't know if she could wait any longer. Mulder scarfed down his fifth handful of popcorn and must have realized that he was hogging it. He turned to her and held out the bag. "Want some?" "Uh...s...sure." Her face was on fire and she was afraid Mulder had seen her jump nearly to the ceiling. Nope, not yet. Can't do this just yet. She took a handful and turned back to the movie. She stared at the screen and found her thoughts drifting right back to Mulder. And his butter-dripping hands and mouth. On her. In her. Mulder turned back and listened to Scully crunch on her popcorn. He watched the screen but thought about the fact that the doctors had removed the upper part of her cast today. Her arm was healing extremely fast. She was getting better. Hell, she was better. Almost completely. It was something close to a miracle. Looking at her arm reminded him of something he'd almost forgotten about. Something she'd asked him when she'd first been found. "How's your arm?" She'd known, somehow or other, that he'd hurt his arm. It had been in the back of his mind since she'd asked him but he'd never really had an occasion to talk to her about it. He wondered if maybe now was a good time. She seemed to be ready to handle talking about anything now. If she could live through his lame tirade of self deprecation the other night, surely she could deal with this. Besides, maybe it would lead him one way or another into saying what he really wanted to say. There had to be a way of slipping "I love you desperately" into an everyday conversation relatively inconspicuously. "Scully, how did you know about my arm?" he asked, turning towards her again. He was surprised to see her staring right back at him. She jumped when he spoke. "Your arm?" "Yeah, you asked me about my arm, if it was okay, remember?" She thought back, trying to remember. She shook her head at first, citing the fact that they'd had her on some pretty heavy medication before. Then suddenly she felt an onset of panic when the memory of what she'd seen at Jane's came crashing back on her. "I don't remember that, but I..." Dare she tell him something so seemingly ridiculous? But it had really happened, it must have. He had little cuts and nicks all over his right arm and a few bandages still remained here and there. She decided to finish her thought. "I do remember thinking that you had hurt it, when I was at Jane's." Why would she have thought that? Mulder wondered. He was starting to seriously think that she might have some kind of untapped psychic ability. "What do you mean thought? Was it like a feeling or something? Did you see it?" She glanced downwards and looked suddenly very sad. She was feeling it again, what she'd felt that night at Jane's when she "saw" him purposely injure himself. She felt his absolute anguish, his extreme despair. "So, it's true then? You really, you did that to yourself Mulder?" "Scully..." Oh God. No, this is not the angle he was looking for with this conversation. Dammit. Dammit to hell. Why had he brought this up? He was probably the only person in the world capable of bringing her down after her earlier mood. "Mulder why? Why would you do that?" "You...you were gone. I thought...look, it's not important anymore, Scully. I just wanna know how you knew." He asked that as though there was a perfectly easy and simple explanation. "I'm not sure how I knew. I think, I'm not completely sure about this but I think I dreamt it." She had no other idea of how to explain it to him. She wasn't even sure anymore just how much of what she remembered about being at Jane's was real or if it was imagined. Dreamt it. Mulder thought of all the dreams he'd had about her when she'd been missing. A dream had led him to her, helped him find her. There was definitely something to this. He felt the familiar thrill of unraveling a mystery flowing through him. "Mulder, you know, it is important. I need you to promise me that you won't ever do something like that again." She suddenly was desperate for that reassurance from him, though in her heart she knew he would probably always be unable to give that to her. It was incredibly noble and absolutely infuriating. She looked like she was about to cry and he felt his heart break into a million little pieces. Never again Scully, I'll never make you cry again. He took her hand and smiled, "Scully, as long as you're here and safe, I'll be fine." "Mulder..." "Scully what else did you dream about?" He was desperate to change the subject, she knew him well enough to detect that. She also knew there was no way he could promise to never hurt himself again, especially if something were to happen to her again. But it still terrified her. "Mulder, I'm serious..." she pursued. "So am I. I had some pretty wild dreams when you were gone, Scully. In fact I think I ended up finding you because of a dream. I saw you at Jane's in a couple dreams and I didn't recognize it until the day I found you. I had this really vivid one where I was in her garden and you were behind this glass wall." He turned completely towards her and found himself wringing his fingers together excitedly. "Did you have that dream, Scully?" She sighed and rolled her eyes, realizing that she wasn't going to get that promise. "I don't think I had that one, no." There was one dream however, that she did remember. A dream which upon recollection was fast beginning to make her forget the issue she was trying to persuade Mulder to address. And remember the thing she was going to make happen between them tonight. "And Scully, the weirdest thing was, the night before we found you, Charlie and I, we SAW you." God, it was so great to finally be able to talk to her about this. He hadn't really thought much about it until now but it was such an odd series of occurrences. "Saw me Mulder?" She had seen him, too in that dream. But that's all it had been. A simple dream. How could Charlie have been involved? "What do you mean?" "In my apartment, Scully. It was so bizarre. One minute nothing and then the next minute you were just standing there and you were talking like without words but we both heard you and you were saying all these numbers and we didn't know what they meant but Charlie wrote them down and it turns out that they were all related to where you were and at first I thought it was you but then I realized it couldn't be because you were wearing..." Uh-oh. He realized suddenly what she'd been wearing and why he'd thought it so odd at the time. This was not something he wanted to be discussing either. "Um, you were wearing something um, you were wearing you'd never really wear." "Something I'd never wear? What was it?" Why oh why did she have to find the most horrific aspect of everything he said to her and fixate on it? After all the fantastic things he was telling her, she wanted to know what she'd been wearing. "It...it doesn't matter Scully. The point is it helped us find you. And then I had this other dream..." "Mulder? What was I wearing?" She could hardly believe it was possible. But if she had seen Mulder hurt his arm, did she think she saw him in his apartment, too? At the tail end of her extremely erotic dream? If he gave her the description of what she'd seen in her own dream, she might actually have to entertain the possibility. She wasn't gonna let this drop. For some unknown reason she thought it was the most interesting part of the entire story. He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hands over his face. He muttered the answer into his palms. "What was that Mulder?" "Aw Jeez, Scully, it's so stupid." Goddammit. Him and his big, stupid mouth. "A uniform, Scully, you were wearing a uniform." "Uniform? Like what, like a navy uniform?" Scully was starting to really get into this little game Mulder had inadvertently begun. He'd given her an easy in for what she had planned. "Um, no, not exactly like that Scully." "A police uniform?" She covered a slight chuckle by clearing her throat. He sighed and shook his head. "Scully, you went to Catholic School right?" Why was she doing this to him? It was all so fucking embarrassing. "Yes. And..." She was certain of the answer now, but it was suddenly very important that she hear him say it. "Well, it was um...it was a uniform like that." He felt himself blushing at the memory. It had been like she'd stepped right out of his fantasy and come to life. But how was he supposed to tell her that? "My school uniform, Mulder?" "Yeah...yeah I guess." "Oh..." part 10 She was quiet for what seemed like an eternity and he found himself laughing nervously just to cover the silence. "I uh...I told you it was stupid." "Not exactly stupid, Mulder," she muttered as she enjoyed the view of watching him squirm. Okay, so stupid was the wrong word, Mulder agreed silently. How about perverted? Bizarre? Twisted? He knew he shouldn't feel so guilty and embarrassed about this. It wasn't his fault that she'd shown up like that. And Charlie had seen her like that too so it couldn't have been something he'd made up. If only he hadn't been jerking off thinking of her like that two minutes before she'd appeared. "Scully, I...I'm not even sure if I remember this right. I was pretty exhausted at the time." "Oh Mulder, I think you do remember it right. I think you remember it just exactly right." He looked over at her and she let him see her smile, hoping he would read the look in her eyes she was trying to convey. He looked terrified and for a brief moment, she felt sorry for him. "Wh...what do you mean?" But not that sorry. "I dreamt that, Mulder," she began in a soft, low tone. "It was equally as strange. I dreamt that I followed you to your apartment and that I saw you and Charlie. I was wearing my school uniform and I think I was trying to tell you both where I was." Wow. Holy wow. She'd dreamt herself there. Somehow, some way, some part of her had traveled to his apartment that night, had left her body and come to him. It was absolutely amazing. For a moment he was so excited that he forgot about the stupid uniform and what he'd been doing before she'd appeared. "Scully, what exactly was that dream about, besides showing up in my apartment?" He wondered if she had willed herself to action in the dream or if it had just happened. Lucid dreaming, maybe. "Um...it was about the past." She didn't know still if she believed that she'd actually gone to Mulder's apartment. It was such a fantastic notion. And Charlie had yet to make mention of it, so she still couldn't be entirely sure what to believe. But out of body experience or no, it was certainly an opportunity to ease him into hers. Mulder continued to sit there, hunched over and forgetting to shield the ever rising swelling in his lap. He was waiting for more details. "In the beginning I was uh, sitting on my front lawn with Missy and Bill and Charlie were playing ball. We were having a barbecue and I guess I was about sixteen." His eyes grew large and he felt a painful tightening in his groin. The picture. Jesus fucking Christ. That was the picture. He felt a strange combination of curiosity, arousal and panic. This was impossible. But Scully was really enjoying herself now. She was ready to let go, and in every possible way. "And then...then you were just there suddenly. I invited you into the house and then...and then up to my bedroom." She stopped cause he was rocking back and forth in the chair, faster and faster, almost as though he where trying to keep from thrusting his hips into the air. His eyes were so very unfocused, she wasn't even sure he was looking at her. She licked her lips to test him and his breath caught in his throat. "Mulder, are you all right?" "Just keep going," he blurted out desperately. He had to know. He just had to. "Are you sure?" His was heaving and he was having a hell of a time keeping himself from rocking back and forth. She wondered if he was doing it from nerves or if it was giving him some kind of pleasurable relief. "Please!" Her eyes widened in shock at his urgent demand and he realized he needed to calm down right away. Scully on the other hand found herself needing to chew the inside of her mouth to keep from laughing out loud at him. The next words she was going to say were going to hit him pretty hard. At least she was hoping they would. "Okay, well, um we went upstairs and you uh, you watched me on my bed, masturbating." Mulder wasn't sure which was more shocking, the fact that Scully had apparently dreamt what he had been fantasizing about that night or the fact that she had just said the word masturbating to him. He just gaped at her in response. Unbelievable, all of it. "Mulder?" She had him. Not much longer now. She let out a long breath herself this time. She almost felt a pain in her center from need and anticipation. "Mulder, what is it? Do you wanna hear the rest? There was more..." He glanced up quickly at her face and saw that the corners of her mouth were upturned in a strange little smirk. Her eyes held a challenge, and something else, something deep and dark and scary as hell. He wanted to ask her what else she'd dreamed about, if she'd seen herself on the floor with him, on the sink, in her father's chair, but he was pretty much unable to speak. The images were playing themselves out in his brain again and he found himself overwhelmed with the memory. "Um...I, uh.." "Mulder, what is it? Did you have that dream too?" "Um, not...not exactly. I mean, kind of but...uh..." Nice going, dufus. Why hadn't he just said no? Or yes? Now she was looking all confused at him and expecting him to explain what the hell he meant. "What do you mean 'kind of'?" This bit of fun she was having was entirely unfair to Mulder, but it was making her incredibly hot. It was better than physical foreplay. Or at least with Mulder it was. She begged him with her eyes to continue. "Well, it was um...it was a little different and not entirely what you would call a dream. Entirely." He rolled his eyes at his own idiocy and leaned back in the chair. Then he realized that the way he was turned now, facing her, if he sat back too far his erection was practically pointing in her face. He hunched forward again and crossed his arms over his knees. An overwhelming heat came over her so quickly when she saw what he'd inadvertently revealed to her. She wasn't going to be able to carry this play out too much longer. If he didn't do anything, she wasn't sure she would be able to help herself from doing something for relief. Yet she pressed on. "Well, if it wasn't a dream-entirely, than what was it?" He tried to remember why he had started this conversation in the first place. When had he first lost control of it? "Um, it was kind of like a...a dream that you, you have when you're um, kind of not asleep." She gave him an affected puzzled look. "You mean a daydream," she offered. Well, that was one way of putting it. "K...kind of like that." God it was hot in here. He felt beads of sweat starting to break out on his forehead. Why was she just staring at him like that? She sensed his heightened discomfort and went in for the kill. "Or was it more like a fantasy Mulder?" She bit her lower lip for emphasis and her eyes grew wide as she spoke the words. God, her voice. What was she doing with her voice? It was suddenly...different. He squeezed his legs together once and a shiver ran through his body. A fantasy. It was such a loaded word. True it was exactly what it had been, but he wasn't certain it was entirely necessary for her to know that. "Um, I'm not entirely sure that fantasy is an entirely accurate descrip..." she snorted through her nose and he stopped, giving her a surprised look. She was impressed that he'd endured pushing it this far. "Yeah," he muttered with a resigned sigh. She had his number. As usual. "Yeah?" "Yeah. It was a fantasy, Scully. Okay?" At least she was still smiling and not calling the vice squad. "So, was it entirely a fantasy, Mulder?" she teased. He wondered if he was supposed to answer that or if she was just making fun of his lame stuttering. "I...I guess. I dunno, um, I'm uh...I'm sorry Scully." And he was. Sorry that he was such a sicko and that she had to know that. She coughed and laughed at the same time. Only Mulder would apologize to her for being turned on and doing the same to her. "You're sorry?" "I didn't mean for it to, to be like that, Scully. It just...happens sometimes." Oh great. Now he'd confessed that it wasn't just that one time. That this was a regular thing for him. He started gnawing at the inside of his mouth to keep from talking anymore. "Mulder, you don't have to be sorry. I...I liked your fantasy Mulder," she whispered in an even more breathy tone, hoping to get her point across finally. "Oh...oh yeah?" he squeaked. She nodded and smiled warmly. "Oh yeah." Her eyes traveled from his face, down his torso and came to settle on his crotch. She stared openly at the embarrassing bulge in his pants for what seemed like a lifetime. When she finally looked him in the eye again he was having trouble breathing. "So, Mulder, when you say sometimes..." Dammit! He'd begun to think she'd missed that. "Does that mean a lot, Mulder?" "D...D...D..." define! DE-FINE! What was left of his brain cried out in anguish. She'd reduced him to a stuttering mental defect. "Define a lot," he finally managed. "Oh, I dunno..." she waved her hand in the air, "two, three times a week." He almost laughed out loud. That was a lot? He supposed maybe for a woman it was. Anyway, it was less humiliating than the truth so he nodded. "Yeah, yeah, that's uh, that's about right." It was time for a diversionary topic. The last thing they needed to be discussing was his fantasy life. "So, um, what do you think of the movie? I know you've never watched the whole thing..." "Mulder, are you sure that's right?" The entire reason she'd never seen the movie all the way through was because she'd never been able to keep interested in it long enough. She didn't care about movies right now. "Well, that's what you told me.." "No, I mean the fantasy Mulder, are you sure it's not more than that?" God, what did she want? His dick on a plate? "I...humm..." he laughed and shrugged and hoped that was enough of an answer. His uncomfortable whimper of an answer made her even hotter. Time to bring it up a level. "Mulder, do you think about me every time you touch yourself?" . Oh God. Oh God, Scully. What was she doing? He didn't even know how to begin to formulate an answer to that question. Although 'yes' probably would have been enough, it wasn't really the whole truth. It was honestly more the other way around. "Cause Mulder, you know what, I..." she took a deep breath and looked down at the blanket, "I think about you," she said quietly. Then she looked up again, into his eyes. "I think about you every...single...time." Mulder moaned despite himself at the image she had just created for him. Scully lying in her bed, naked, her hands between her legs, calling out for him, sobbing his name as she brought herself to orgasm again and again and again and... "Mulder?" "Huuhm...uh..." "You know, I saw you." Saw him? What the hell? Oh no. He thought back to that time in the office when she'd walked in on him, busily jacking-off on government time, coming on the floor of a federal building. She'd known what he was doing. That had to be what she was talking about. "When I was at Jane's, she had all these pictures of you." Jesus Christ. THAT was what she was talking about? That fucking sicko and her twisted little photo gallery. But for some reason Scully seemed okay talking about this. In fact she seemed more than okay. "Mulder, you're beautiful when you touch yourself." She could barely believe how far she was taking this. It was as though at that moment her body had eliminated any inhibitions she possessed. It felt liberating. Like running naked in the woods might feel. She wasn't afraid to do or say anything right at this moment. "Despite the situation, looking at those pictures turned me on so...much." He ducked his head and laughed nervously. Who the hell was this woman? He had no idea how to react to that statement. "You think that's funny Mulder?" So much for liberation. She felt silly suddenly for telling him one of the things which had always turned her on the most to think of. "No. Scully...no." Mulder wanted to shoot himself in the head. Nice way to act when she's sitting here spilling her guts, saying things to him he'd never even allowed himself to dream of hearing. "Well, how does it make you feel? Does it make you happy, Mulder? Does it turn you on?" But that didn't even begin to describe it. He could hardly put to words the dizzy, drugged feeling he was experiencing. She wanted him. First she loved him and now she wanted him. She wanted him bad. And she was telling him that in every way possible. It was the move he'd been waiting for for months now. It was the kind of seduction he couldn't have created in his wildest imaginings. It was Scully, laying bare her desires and her deepest held secret wanting, right there in front of him. And all he could do was hold his head in his hands and watch his legs tremble. Would he ever stop letting her down? "I'd really like to see that in person sometime, Mulder. Do you think you'd like that?" The more she pushed the issue with him, the more she wanted it, needed to see it. Needed to see him feeling that sort of pleasure, needed it to be her pleasure and his together. Now Her body was shaking. If he made her wait any longer, she was surely going to start to cry. Mulder's heart was pounding so fast at the thought of masturbating in front of Scully, of having her ENJOY that, that he was afraid he might have a coronary episode. At least he wouldn't have to look far for a doctor. She certainly had picked a good place for this little Marilyn Monroe act she was putting on for him. He still hadn't answered any of her questions but he supposed it was all pretty obvious. He was shaking too and panting and his skin was probably beet red by now. This had to stop. She was going to kill him fast if she didn't stop talking like this. He wasn't entirely sure what she was trying to accomplish anyway. It wasn't like they could actually do anything. Not here. Was she just trying to make him crazy? He wiped some of the sweat from his brow and looked up into her eyes. Big mistake. He looked quickly away and towards the television. "Mulder?" "This...um...this is a good part, Scully...shh..." He kept staring blankly at the television and he heard her sigh. He refused to turn around again though. Why couldn't she just sit quietly and watch the movie? He listened to Charlton Heston droning on; "...Imagine me needing someone. Back on Earth I never did. Oh there were women. Lots of women. Lots of love-making but no love. You see that was the kind of world we'd made. So I left because there was no one to hold me..." Goddammit. Why had he picked this stupid movie anyway? It was starting to add to his discomfort instead of distracting from it. He heard another breathy sigh from the vicinity of the bed and peaked out of the corner of his eye. Her eyes were closed and she was leaning against the pillows on the upraised head of the bed. Sleep, what a good idea. Maybe it was time for Scully to go to sleep now. And time for him to get the hell out of here and to the nearest janitor's closet. "Um, I'm sorry Scully. Am I keeping you up? Do you wanna rest now?" "Mmmmaybe..." she mumbled, her eyes still closed. She looked amazing, rumpled and silky and...God, something that just defied words. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into that bed with her, to bury himself under the covers, under her body. He had to leave. Right away. "O...okay then, I think I'm ugh, I'll just go so you can sleep Scully." He stood up, preparing to make his exit on legs barely able to hold him up at this point. "Mmmnnoo Mulder, I don't think you should leave." She still hadn't opened her eyes and she was shifting around causing the blankets to ripple. What in God's name was she doing under there? "I think...I think you should stay and lie down with me Mulder." She had to be kidding. Was she fucking kidding? Did she think it was gonna be possible for him to lie down in bed with her and stay sane after everything she'd just said to him? "Scully, I don't...I can't...that's not the best idea..." "Why not, Mulder?" She stretched her arm over her head and the satin of her pajama top strained against her breasts. "I...uhhh..." He tried to think of a reasonable explanation. He'd been laying in bed next to her in the hospital so much, there was really nothing he could say. "Mulder come on. It helps me fall asleep to have you next to me. Please?" Well, it was all over now. There was no way he could refuse her anything when she said please. It was a rare thing for her to admit needing anything from him at all, nevermind asking for it like that. He took a deep breath and sat down on the side of the bed, trying to figure out a way to lie down without touching her in any way or exposing the bulge in his pants. He managed the first but not the second. At least her eyes were closed. He lay next to her with his arms folded over his chest, carefully avoiding contact with any part of her, and his legs crossed at the ankle, tapping his foot nervously and waiting for her to fall asleep. Scully knew that there was no way in hell that she was going to be getting any sleep any time soon. He was so close now, right next to her. She could feel his tension, his discomfort. It was coming off him in waves. She wondered if he would touch her now that he was here or if she would have to do something drastic. "It's a mad house! A mad house!" Charlton ranted. Mulder could relate. This whole situation was totally insane. Any minute and he was going to just explode. Her words kept replaying in his mind like one of those cheesy sitcom sound loops, "You watched me masturbating, I think about you every...single...time, I'd like to see that in person sometime, mom always says, don't play ball in the house..." It was maddening. He didn't even have a place in his brain to store that kind of information. "MmmMulder...this movie's so boring," Scully sighed, shifting under the covers again, moving her body closer to his. If he wasn't going to touch her, she sure as hell needed to touch him. She was practically throbbing with the need. She turned on her side to face him and moved her face close to his ear. "I...I like it Scully. It's a very good movie." His voice was getting higher and more pathetic sounding every time he managed to speak. He felt her hot breath suddenly against his ear and nearly jumped out of his skin. "Mulder why didn't you bring one of your other movies?" she whispered, marveling at her new found courage. "Other...movies?" She couldn't possibly mean what he thought she meant. Could she? "You must have a favorite Mulder." Why was she still whispering to him like that? The throbbing that had started so long ago in his cock was radiating out to cover his entire body. Forget blue balls. He was gonna have blue everything if he didn't get out of here soon. "I uhhh...2001 is good too." She laughed. A low throaty one, nothing like the childlike giggling from before. "Not that kind of movie Mulder. One of those videos, the ones that come to your house wrapped in brown paper, addressed to Marty Mulder. You must have favorite one of those movies Mulder." "I...humm..." "I'd like to see it sometime Mulder." She had to be kidding. She had to be fucking joking. His mind spun so furiously, concocting an image of Scully sitting on his couch, watching Red Hot Redheads and touching herself as he watched on, that for a moment he didn't even realize that she had gotten out of the bed. When he felt the sudden absence next to him he was even more confused. Then he saw her walking purposefully towards the door. It was still open a crack from when Rena had left and she closed it and turned back to him. He still couldn't for the life of him figure out why she was doing this to him. Was it some kind of bizarre sexual torture to pay him back for the beastly way he'd acted towards her? Was it a test, to see how far she could push him before he snapped? She had to realize what she was doing to him and there was just no way she wanted to follow through on it. Not now. Not *here*. Probably not ever. She walked back towards him with an odd little smile and he marveled again at seeing her walk on her own. It was really something. Especially in those blue silky pajamas. She was too stunning for words. He almost couldn't stand it. He closed his eyes for a brief respite and tried to slow his breathing, calm his racing pulse. As soon as his eyes closed, he was assaulted by a barrage of images, each more vivid and dirty then the last. He tried to listen to the movie. He heard Charlton Heston again and focused on that. "How about a kiss doctor?" he asked. "But you're so damned ugly!" was Doctor Zira's reply. Alright, movie was not helping. He tried to picture a blank wall. White empty space, maybe with a blue stripe on it, something to meditate on. Blue stripe, blue stripe, blue stripe. He realized he had picked the wrong color when the blue stripe mutated into Scully in her damn pajamas again, straddling his lap. The image was so vivid it startled him into opening his eyes. It wasn't in his mind. She was there. God, she was just... there. She touched his folded arms with her hands and began lifting and separating them. She placed first one and then the other of his hands on her thighs and took his face in her hands. His palms were trembling and sweaty and he was sure he had to be leaving stains as he clutched the fabric of her pajama bottoms in his fists. "Scu...wha...what're you doing?" Her lips were just inches from his and her fingers were stroking his face. She smiled again and ground herself into his crotch wantonly. He bit his lip and tried not to cry. "What's wrong Mulder? Don't you like it?" she muttered as she started placing soft kisses on the side of his neck. Her lips felt like velvet against his rough skin and he clutched her pajamas even tighter to keep from jerking up against her. "Don't you want me?" she whispered into his ear. He let out a whimper when she started sucking on his earlobe and nodded. "So what is it then Mulder? What's wrong?" Her hands slid down his face and neck and over his chest. He felt her fingers slipping under his T-shirt and grabbed them before they killed him. "Scully...we're...we're in a HOSPITAL." He whispered the last part as if it were a dirty word and she laughed. "It's a hospital Mulder, not a library. You don't have to whisper." He couldn't believe her. What the hell was she DOING? Could she possibly want them to do this here? When she was still sick? It couldn't possibly be but yet there it was. Blessedly she pulled away from his ear and looked him in the eye. He almost fainted from the hunger he saw in her expression. "Scully...God. What...what if we get caught?" She shrugged. Just shrugged like it didn't matter in the least. "Mulder, so what if we do?" "Your brother will stab me, we'll get arrested, there'll be a big scandal, we'll lose our jobs..." "Mulder, gimme a break," she laughed. "They don't arrest people for having sex." Sex. Oh God. She really wanted to have sex. Right now. part 11 "S...Scully...hummm..." "What's the matter Mulder? Scared?" she asked mischievously as she moved her good hand to the top button of her pajama shirt. No Scully. Don't go there. God no. "Sc...scared? Uhh, n...n...no. Uh, of course not." "So if you're not scared Mulder, and you want me, then what's the problem?" One, two, three, four...the buttons were popping open in rapid succession and he closed his eyes, offering a silent prayer for her to stop already. But by the time he re-opened his lids, the top was completely gone and she was sitting there proudly, smiling at him. "Is it that you don't like my body?" she asked with a smirk. It was obvious she knew damned well that this was not the case. Had to be pretty apparent from the way he was staring at her full, round, perfect breasts, the way he was panting, Christ he was probably drooling. "Do you like my body Mulder? I know you've seen it before but it was blue that time." "Huuummmaaa....." Oh man, this was not good. He was already incapable of speaking and he hadn't even really touched her yet. The only thing close to an actual word he could even think at the moment was yum. Yum, yum, yum... "Mulder? Is that a yes?" "Yuhummmmm...." "Maybe you need a closer look Mulder. I don't really understand what you mean." She rose up on her knees, breaking off the delicious contact between their lower bodies and his dick twitched violently in protest. Then she moved closer to him and up a little higher and before he knew it, the tip of her rosy pink nipple was dangling in his face. Whatever trace of rational thought was left in his brain, completely abandoned him and he took that little tip deep into his mouth, surrendering. He'd never really had a chance anyway. There wasn't a man alive, and probably not too many women either, who could have resisted this. She shuddered and moaned against him and he ran his hands over her bare back, pulling her closer to him. She tasted so good, so sweet and fresh, and fruity, once he let himself taste her he couldn't get enough. He laved her nipples with his tongue, grazed them with his teeth, sucked them like a little baby. She moaned at the sensation, overwhelmed with the feeling of his hot, needy mouth on her. Finally, finally he was there. She felt like she'd been waiting forever. His arms were wrapped around her lower back and she shifted a little bit, encouraging him to move down to her ass, to slip his hands under her pajama bottoms, but they remained clamped in place. She'd never felt so desperate for anything in her life. His reluctance and fear were endearing but also frustrating. What more did she have to do to tell him that this was okay now, that she wanted him? She wished for the millionth time that she hadn't pushed him away that night. She was starting to empathize with his frenzied state more than she'd ever wanted to. Then he made a muffled growling sound and she realized that maybe he wasn't so reluctant anymore. Maybe he was so preoccupied with devouring her breasts at the moment that he couldn't think about anything else. While she was enjoying the attention he was lavishing on this particular section of her anatomy, it was time to be moving along. She pulled back and her breast slipped out of his mouth with a loud pop and she slid back down to a sitting position. Sitting right where she wanted to be. She pressed down on his erection and captured his groan in her mouth. Kissing her, he was kissing her. Kissing Scully. Scully kissing him. He knew he was a pretty good kisser usually but he found himself at a loss with Scully. All he could think of was tasting her, getting himself as far into her as he possibly could. Finesse was sacrificed for longing and he pummeled her mouth with his tongue. There were reasons he shouldn't be letting this happen, letting himself get so carried away, but he couldn't remember them, didn't want to. It felt so fucking good. She had to get off him though. She was shifting around on his lap and sucking his tongue, stroking it with her own, and he could feel her bare chest pressed tight against him through his T-shirt and he realized in that moment that he wasn't wearing underwear because he'd run out of clean ones and he cursed himself for not doing laundry because he could almost feel her heat through the silk and the material of his khaki pants and he couldn't, wouldn't be able to take even one more minute without totally embarrassing himself. He pushed gently, intending to roll them over so that she was on her back and he could have a little more control over the situation. As she fell back into the mattress her arm twisted under her and she let out a tiny ow. She regretted it instantly. He was off her in less than a second. Completely off her, off the bed, on his feet, panting and shaking his head. She would have laughed at the ridiculous picture of him standing there hunched over, hands on his knees, hard on tenting the crotch of his pants in an almost obscene way, if only it were funny. But it really wasn't. She wanted to scream. Why had she let herself express any pain? "Mulder..." "Scully this...we can't...I don't....we've gotta stop." No! She refused to let this happen. She hadn't come this far to stop now. "Mulder, it's all right. It's fine. Please come back." He shook his head again, violently. This couldn't continue. He was going to hurt her. He was going to die. This had to stop. "I can't...can't hurt you like this. I WON'T!" He realized he was shouting for no reason and shaking almost non stop and turned away from her. He had to get out of here, had to relieve this burning in his groin so that he could act like a fucking human being. "Mulder, you didn't hurt me. I hurt myself a little bit. It's better now. It's nothing. Don't leave Mulder. Don't stop." She was begging and she knew it. He had reduced her to begging. But what else could she do? He had turned completely away from her and was leaning against the windowsill across from the foot of her bed, his back bent and his whole body trembling. She could still hear him breathing heavily. He was trying so hard to do the right thing. And it was destroying his delicate grasp on sanity. He needed to take her as badly as she needed to be taken. It was time to really show him, really let him see that need. "Mulder..." she sighed and he burned at the sound. He heard some shifting around, the faint sound of silk sliding against skin and another sigh. She was taking off the bottom of her pajamas, he just knew it. Blue line, blue line, blue line, don't look, don't turn around, if you look you're dead, blue line, blue line, blue li... "Mmmmmulder...I need you. I need you here." It was curiosity, a burning need to know that really did him in. He knew she was probably naked by now. But there was more. She was sighing and he heard her moving around and he had to know, he had to see. He took a nervous look over his shoulder and his heart completely stopped. He had been right. She was completely naked, sitting up against the back of the bed, her head thrown back and her legs bent at the knee, spread, her broken arm resting at her side and her good hand...God her good hand, it was between her legs. She was fucking touching herself, fucking masturbating right the fuck in front of him, right in the middle of the fucking hospital. This had to be the most insane thing she had ever done. She could scarcely believe that she had the absolute bravado. But it wasn't really courage but desperation that had led her to this point. She was ready to do anything. It felt good to feel herself like this but not good enough. She needed his hands, his mouth. Although his eyes were almost as good. He had turned completely around to look at her, almost in slow motion, and then bent over, clutching his knees as if he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him, never taking his eyes from her body. He looked totally bowled over, almost in pain. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost. She knew from where he was standing and the way she was sitting that he could see absolutely everything she was doing, every motion of her fingers, every detail of the most private part of her body. No secrets now. She supposed if you were gonna do it, might as well go all the way. She spread her folds for him with her hand, showing him her clit and circling it delicately with her middle finger. "Mmmmulder, feels so good..." He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to draw blood, to feel something else. Thin blue something...what the hell was he supposed to be thinking about? God, it was just too much. He wondered if it was possible for an erection to actually break through a zipper on its own. It felt like it was actually pulling him, dragging him across the room and to the foot of the bed to be closer to her. He tasted something metallic in his mouth but by then he'd forgotten what he was trying to do. "Mulder...ooohgod...I need you Mulder," she moaned and his mind was flooded with the image of what she needed, what she was imagining, feeling, wanting. He fell to his knees at the foot of the bed with a groan. He heard his knees crack on the floor but didn't feel it. He could give her this. It would be okay. It didn't have to hurt her. Just this one thing. Scully felt his hands around her ankles. He tugged on her and she slid down to the end of the bed. Her legs were dangling over the side and her crotch was inches from his face. When she was there he pulled her hand away from her body. "Stop it Scully. Stop it. You've gotta stop it," he gasped, pinning her hand down on the mattress. She smiled. Finally. And then she gasped herself and her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she felt his mouth covering her. Just this one thing, he told himself again as he ran his tongue over her clit again and again. Just this one thing and she'll be happy and I'll be happy and then I can go. Go home, go to the bathroom, go anywhere, it didn't fucking matter. But not here, not here, not here. She'd probably fall asleep afterwards. If he made it really good she would just fall asleep the way he always did after an amazing orgasm. "Ah Mulder...God...oh baby...yeah..." Was that her? Was she talking to him? It was working. It was actually working. She liked it. It was too much. Why did she have to make so much noise? Call him BABY? Jesus Christ. He balled one hand into a tight fist and used the other one to thrust inside of her to keep himself from touching his dick. Blue lines and white walls. Planet of the Apes. Listen to Planet of the Apes instead of her. "Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn..." It was Cornelius. He liked Cornelius. Think about Cornelius. Cornelius knew a lot about beast men. Maybe he could help. Don't be a beast man, pay attention, don't think about what you are doing, what she is saying, what you are feeling, the way she tastes, the way she smells, the way her juice is sliding down your chin and sticking on your stubble, don't fucking come in your pants. "God Mulder...so good, feels so good..." Oh Scully, shut up, shut up, I love you but shut up! Please! He wondered how long this was going to take, how many minutes he would be listening to her say these things to him. Suddenly and unexpectedly Scully's entire body became completely stiff. This was it, oh God this was really it. Already? She grabbed the back of his head and pulled him against her and then before he had a chance to think about lines or apes or beast men she was shaking and jerking against him and wrapping her legs tight around his neck and talking to him, God she just kept talking to him as she came in his face, telling him how it felt, how hard she was coming, all in the softest, sexiest voice he could have imagined, and whimpering, trying not to scream bloody murder and bring the nurses running. After what had to be the longest orgasm he had ever seen she sighed and her entire body went slack. He pulled back from her and planted a gentle kiss on her stomach. It was time to go. The question was, could he stand up? Scully's mind was very fuzzy. She felt like she was in a drug induced haze. Where was she and what the hell had just happened to her? Mulder, it was Mulder. Thank you Jesus, it was Mulder. She lay with her eyes closed for a moment, basking in the sensation of finally having had that gorgeous mouth between her legs. Could she have asked for anything more of this life? Yes. Him. Holding her. Next to her. On top of her. Inside her. She scooted up to the head of the bed with her eyes still closed and waited for him to join her. Another long moment passed and he was still not there. She opened her eyes to find him standing with his hand on the doorknob, looking back at her nervously. He looked startled to see her open her eyes. "I uh...I thought you were sleep...asleep, sleeping..." "Mulder, what are you doing?" He shrugged and let go of the door, ran his hand through his hair. He looked like he was in serious pain now, his eyes were narrow and squinting and he was chewing at his lip. His body was still hunched over. "I was...um, thinking...I was gonna um...go." "Go? You were gonna go? Mulder...why?" "I need...I've uh...I've got some things..." Shit. Why wasn't she asleep? He'd thought for certain she'd be out like a light after that orgasm. "I thought you'd be um...tired Scully." "Tired? No Mulder. I'm not tired. Not at all. In fact I feel very invigorated, refreshed." Great. Invigorated. That was just great. "Mulder, you aren't really gonna leave this room like that are you?" "Like...like what?" She snorted in disbelief. Surely he had to realize what he looked like. Those pants really had been a poor choice. And what the hell was he thinking anyway? Could he possibly still be afraid that she didn't want this? Or was it that he was afraid of hurting her because of her stupid arm? The fact that they were in a hospital? It was all so ridiculous. "Mulder come here. Come here and at least kiss me good-bye if you're gonna leave." Oh Scully. How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to kiss you again and ever be able to leave? But she was looking at him in that way again and she didn't even need to say please and God, she was fucking naked. Just one kiss. Just one little kiss and then he would go home. He could last through one little kiss. But it wasn't little. It wasn't even a kiss. Not like he'd ever had anyway. It was licking and biting and thrashing and sloppy and frantic and it was her. It was Scully. Scully running her tongue over his lips, his teeth, his chin, tasting herself all over his face and pulling his head to her and once again, she had him. He lost himself and forgot where he was and why he had been leaving in the first place and the fact that she was still sick because he was kissing her again and nothing else mattered. Nothing else existed. She smiled triumphantly against his lips as he crawled back into bed with her. Their tongues met in the open air and she climbed on top of him again, moaning at the feel of her naked body against his clothed one. For some reason it was very exciting. There was something dangerous, almost obscene about it. He seemed to think so too because he was making pathetic whimpering noises in the back of his throat and running his hands over her body with a desperation she had never felt from anyone before. It was time. The poor guy had waited long enough. And so had she. She reached between them and pulled open the button of his pants and unzipped the fly. She was surprised and pleased to find nothing but Mulder underneath. No underwear. She wondered absently how many times he had stood near her, hugged her, with nothing between them but his pants. Mulder barely noticed what she was doing until he felt her hot little hand on his cock. He wanted to stop kissing her, to tell her to stop touching him there or he was going to make a big mess, but it felt so good. It just felt so good. And then...oh God...it was Scully. She rose up on her knees and positioned herself over him. She slid down in one single motion, taking him all the way inside her. His eyes popped open and his hands tightened on her waist and his entire body shook violently underneath her and then he screamed into her mouth. Screamed like a fucking banshee and she realized that he was coming. It was Scully. Oh God it was Scully and she felt so good, better than he'd ever thought anything could feel. It was Scully. God it was Scully. And he was coming. God he was coming. Oh God. No. Oh God no. She felt him empty himself inside her and reveled in the sensation. She stopped kissing him when he was done and looked at his face. His eyes were closed and he was panting heavily. It was funny. It was all too fucking funny. All this fuss he'd been making about being in a hospital and getting caught and here he was shouting at the top of his lungs, almost like he'd had the life scared out of him. And all this time, all this waiting, and that was it. He'd just come in less than five seconds. It was adorable. And funny. God it was so funny. She started giggling on top of him and once she started, she couldn't stop. She rolled off him and collapsed into a horrible laughing fit. Mulder nodded. It was funny. She was right to laugh. It was probably the funniest thing she'd ever seen. He'd finally made her giggle. Too bad he couldn't watch her because he couldn't even bear to open his eyes. He had to squeeze them tightly together to keep the tears back. What the fuck? What the fucking fuck. Could there be a more pathetic individual? Was it even conceivable? No. He was the biggest, most pathetic loser on the face of the planet. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Go down on her again? Would she even want that after this? Would she even want him in the same room? God, why did he have to be such a fucking failure at every fucking thing? Six fucking years. Six years of building up, anticipating, waiting for what was supposed to be the best fucking sex of their lives and he had blown his load in two fucking seconds like a fucking sixteen year old virgin. Christ, he hadn't even been this pathetic his first time. And she was still fucking laughing. And he still had his stupid fucking clothes on. He finally managed to open his eyes and look down at himself. The tears were released and flowed down his cheek when he saw how truly ridiculous he looked with his dirty pants and his now limp dick hanging out. God was she ever right to laugh. He was a fucking joke. He reached down and zipped up his pants, unable to bear the site of his unbearably lame and disappointing penis, and turned around, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and turning his back to Scully. He buried his head in his hands and willed himself to stop crying. It was probably the only thing that could make this situation more humiliating. Through the haze of her hysterics Scully realized that Mulder had moved away from her. She sucked down her giggles and snorts when she saw him hunched over the side of the bed. She reached out and stroked his hair and he actually jerked away from her touch. Oh God, she had really screwed this up. Big time. "Mulder? Mulder, I...I'm sorry...." "Don't be. It's funny. I'd laugh. Who the hell wouldn't." His voice cracked and she almost cried herself. Of course he would take this as some kind of failure. Of course he would take her laughter as mockery. It was Mulder. She should have realized. "Mulder I was laughing because it was...well, it was cute." Cute. She thought it was cute. Just the way he'd always dreamed of her describing his lovemaking. It was definitely time for him to go home now. "Mulder, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." "Shouldn't have what Scully? Fucked a pathetic loser?" She rolled her eyes in disbelief and tried to beat down the overwhelming urge to slap him senseless. "I shouldn't have made you wait so long Mulder, I shouldn't have been teasing you like that. You were ready when you came in here. I mean, it was inevitable..." "Scully stop it. Just stop it." The last thing he wanted was her pity and her condescension. And if she even tried to say that this experience was even remotely pleasurable for her he was sure he was going to retch. "Mulder, it's okay. I don't..." "I'm gonna go Scully. I've gotta go." God not this again. How many times was she going to have to fight him on this? "You're gonna go? Just like that? Just get what you needed and then leave Mulder?" "God Scully, it's not...it's not like that. I just..." he turned towards her, to try to make her understand. As soon as he saw her pouty little face and her naked body sitting there he had to turn around again. What a pathetic cocksucker he was. He was sure now that he would never get another chance to touch that body. "I can't even look you in the face right now Scully, I've gotta go." He started to rise from the bed and she reached out and grabbed his hand. "Dammit Mulder, I said it was okay. I love you. Remember? I love you and I'm sure that next time you'll um...perform in a way that is more satisfactory to you." "Next time?" He couldn't believe that she could want to give him another chance. "There's a next time?" "Oh Mulder," she laughed. How could anyone be so thick? "I certainly hope there is." She touched his face and he managed to look at her and smile weakly. "I love you Mulder. I don't know what else I can say." "You could say that that wasn't the worst lay of your entire life," he offered hopefully. "Um...Mulder, that was the worst lay of my entire life." He nodded in understanding. Of course it was. "But Mulder, it was the most amazing experience making love that I've ever had. The feelings, seeing how much you want me, it was wonderful," she murmured, pulling him back to lay at her side. It was the truth. She'd never felt such a heady sense of power in her life, knowing that she could do that to him, it was awe-inspiring. He pushed the button on the side of the bed, setting the mattress to a reclining position and tucked the blanket over her. Then he curled up on his side and wrapped his arms around her, burying his head in her chest. Maybe it would be okay. It felt okay. God, it felt better than okay. "It was an amazing two seconds wasn't it Scully?" She nodded as her eyes slipped shut. "Best of my life Mulder. Mmm sleepy. I think the medication is starting to take effect." "You sure it's the medication and not the overwhelming sexual satisfaction Scully?" "Well, I didn't want to tell you...I think you might be too much man for me Mulder." He laughed against her breast and squeezed her tighter. He wondered how she managed to make everything okay like that. He wondered if he could possibly love her any more. "Don't you wanna watch the rest of the movie Scully?" She didn't respond, hoping he would think she'd fallen asleep and shut his yap for a little while. "Scully?" He looked up and saw that her eyes were closed and she had a small peaceful smile on her lips. He looked back at the screen to see his old buddy Charlton pointing a weapon at Cornelius. "Don't try to follow me. I'm pretty handy with this," he warned. "Of that I'm sure. All my life I've awaited your coming and dreaded it." Mulder flicked the off switch on the remote and wondered why he'd never noticed how sexual that movie was. He turned off the bedside lamp as well and snuggled back down next to Scully in the darkness. For some strange reason he started to cry again. Not tears of sadness or shame but rather some new, strange thing he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before. Was it happiness? Was that this strange fluttering in his stomach? "I love you Scully," he croaked out quietly into her neck. "I'm so glad," she whispered back. "Hey, you're supposed to be asleep. You fooled me." "Mulder?" "Huh?" "I'm sleeping. Shhh." He smiled and pressed a kiss against her warm, soft skin. "Love you so much," he whispered again and this time she really was asleep. He stayed awake for a few more hours, watching her sleep and holding her and making several silent vows to himself and to her to do much, much better next time. Desideratum III: After part 1 Thursday 3:30 p.m. Mulder took out his own key to Scully's apartment without even first asking for hers. He was holding all of her bags and the what seemed to Mulder like $1500 dollars in miscellaneous get well cards and presents. He hadn't realized just how many people Scully knew. He had a tendency to assume that the only people in her life were her family and him. Most of the time he assumed he was the only person in her life. After juggling all of the boxes and bags and still not succeeding in opening the door, he heard a familiar chuckle and a jingling next to him. "You don't need to prove anything to me, Mulder," Scully said as she opened her second new door, using her right hand to do it. She had her cast removed this morning and doctor was completely bowled over by the fact that it seemed to have completely healed itself already. He even checked the original x-rays again to be sure that they had been given the right photos from the start. But that had been her injury, her breaks, and they had seemed to have all completely mended themselves in record time. He saw no reason after this morning to keep her in the hospital. Mulder would have loved more than anything to attribute her miraculous recovery to their lovemaking, but of course he couldn't. The humiliating event of four nights ago came crashing back to him for the millionth time. He squinted and relaxed his face once. He wanted so much to be able to just put it out of his mind completely, to forget what a pathetic loser of a lover he had been for her. If it wasn't for the other images of Scully that had come out of that night, he'd have vowed to never think about it again. Once she had the door open, Mulder dropped all of her things on the floor of her living room, sending the suitcases tumbling into the couch table and consequently knocking over the lamp and the candlesticks that were there. "Oh, jeez, Scully, I'm sorry!" What an oaf he was. Not two seconds here and he was already destroying her home. Thankfully nothing broke. She laughed at him and shook her head. He went to catch one of the candlesticks that had decided to roll off the table and his foot caught on the cord of the lamp that had knocked over. He lost his balance and fell into the table, losing the candlestick completely. Time to get out of there. Fast. Before he a chance to find out if it was in fact possible to die from humiliation. He gathered himself and bent down carefully to pick up the candlestick. He turned to her shyly and held out the object. "Sorry. I don't think," he turned it over once in his hand. "I think it's okay." He lifted his eyes to her and saw that she had her lips sucked inward, most likely trying not to laugh out loud at him. "Mulder," she said, shaking her head yet again at him, "Mulder, relax." She took the candlestick out of his hand and then covered his empty hand with her free one, squeezing just a little. She may as well have taken his dick and squeezed it, because it was having the same reaction anyway. Definitely time to go home. As he was concentrating on keeping his hard on to a minimum level, he hadn't noticed that she'd picked up his mess and was running around the place like she'd just gotten back from a vacation. Some vacation it had been. "I'm home I'm home I'm home!" She called from the bathroom. "Oh God, Mulder it feels SO good to be home, you know that?" "What?" He couldn't remember exactly what it was she had just said. All he'd heard was "Oh God, Mulder, it feels so good." "Ah! My tub and my shower and my sink..." Oh, home. She was happy to be home. Her home. He realized it was probably time for him to leave her alone. She probably could use the respite from him anyway. Time to enjoy being home. Home doing whatever it was she did when she was alone. Needing to refocus. Relax. On her couch or curled up in bed... "Uh, so I guess I'll see you around, then Scully?" See you around. I think we've got 5th period together next semester. What the fuck was that? But it didn't matter because he needed to get out of there and soon, otherwise she might have a repeat performance of four nights ago without even needing to touch him. "Mulder," she called again from the bathroom. "You aren't going now, are you?" She peeked out from the hallway door and Mulder thought he could faint. Her hair was a disaster, all mussed and flying every which way. It was fucking unbelievably gorgeous. "Uh...hummm...yeah." He swallowed hard. "I mean, don't you wanna be alone tonight? I was just gonna let you be alone tonight, I thought that's what you'd want, to be alone. Here by yourself. To do whatever...whatever you wanted...to do...alone..." Shut up you babbling idiot. You really oughtta be shot for being such a moron. He looked over at her again and her face was dead serious. "I don't wanna do anything alone, Mulder," was all she said and she disappeared into the bathroom again. God, it was fucking hot in here. Where the hell was her thermostat? He started looking around the walls in the living room for it. He didn't see it anywhere. Probably on the wall in her bedroom and there wasn't any way in hell he was wandering into there now. As he was looking around, he bumped into that damn table behind the couch again. Rather than the candlesticks knocking over this time, a little glass object rocked precariously back and forth on the edge. His reaction time wasn't quick enough and it fell, breaking in two pieces on as it hit the hardwood floor. God, how much furniture did she need in this place, anyway? It was no wonder he knocked into the table, there was so much stuff in this place there was hardly room for a person to walk around. Well, there was probably enough room for a little Scully to maneuver around, just not Special Agent Klutz. He squatted down to gage the salvageability of the probably priceless, most heavily insured object of her entire home. Fuck. He picked up larger piece first and saw that it was the bottom half of a costumed body, the smaller piece the head of a clown with the ugliest face he'd ever seen in his life. It was frowning and there were two tears on either side of it's shiny ceramic face. Not that he was any kind of aesthetics expert, but it was horrible. And it was something he never imagined Scully owning. He stayed hidden behind the couch with the two pieces in his hand, half considering stuffing it underneath the couch. He waited for her to come out of the bathroom to ask what the hell he'd knocked over this time, but she never did. The adult in him won out and he decided against shoving it under the couch. He couldn't take the chance she'd dust it for fingerprints to see who'd broken the family heirloom, surely worth millions of dollars. "Lost your head, too, buddy?" he asked the inanimate object. It just stared back at him with the pathetic frown he imagined he'd had the night he'd blown it. The night he'd finally had the opportunity to do the one thing he had been imagining, planning out for what seemed like his entire life and he couldn't make it last more than one stroke. No wonder she'd been laughing so much more lately. He'd certainly given her enough to laugh at. They hadn't done much more than kiss since that night, and Mulder only allowed himself that indulgence for Scully's sake alone. Because she'd look at him in that way if he tried to refuse her. At least he knew he couldn't let her down kissing her. She always seemed to enjoy that, she made plenty of noise when they kissed that's for sure. But he wasn't sure he would ever be able to make love to her again. Or if she even wanted that again. "You say something to me, Mulder?" Shit. Well obviously she hadn't heard the treasure break. Maybe if he could just set it up there, set the head back on top she wouldn't notice... He rose slowly up and was please to find this little bit of stress had alleviated the erection he'd been working on before. "So, uh, what do you wanna do then, Scully?" He asked her while wiping off the object with a handkerchief, realizing at the same time how ridiculous what he was doing was. "You wanna go out?" He set the clown's bottom half on the table and tried to merely set the head on top casually. It fell immediately and almost ended up on the floor again. "You wanna get something to eat or something?" He looked around the room quickly and tried to decide where Scully kept glue. "Oh, I thought we could just stay here tonight." Stay here. Great. Maybe he could just shove the thing in the back of this drawer, he thought as he fished through the drawer in Scully's desk for adhesive of some form. "Okay, so um...you wanna get Chinese then?" Shit, not Chinese, dumbass. "Or pizza, we could get pizza instead." "Maybe later, Mulder, I'm not all that hungry for food right now." He was still rifling through the desk drawer. No fucking glue? Not even a roll of scotch tape? Where the hell would she keep stuff like that? He turned around with the intention of heading for the kitchen drawers, but stopped himself dead. She was in the room. He thought her voice seemed a little louder. His mind kicked into the alibi mode that he didn't think he'd used since he lived at home. Well you see, Scully, there was this big breeze, and a truck and a plane went by, and... He lifted his head to break the news to her. "Scully, I..." In the back of his mind, he was sure he'd heard a crash. Broken glass it sounded like. But he wasn't sure, for standing before him in the hallway door was a very thoroughly naked Scully. She looked exquisite. A perfect, beautiful creature of light. He was dumbstruck and nearly overcome with the need to run to her and bury his face between her breasts. "God, Mulder, what was that? Careful, there's glass everywhere, I'm sure." Glass? Scully, you're the one that's fucking naked. Oh shit she's fucking naked. As in ready to fuck. Ready to be fucked. Oh fuck. When she was nearer to him and bending down to the floor Mulder realized that he'd just broke, again, the Scully family treasure. This time in thousands of tiny shards all over her living room floor. He felt like crying and throwing up the lunch he and Scully had eaten just a few hours ago. "Scully, I am SO sorry. I didn't mean...it just broke, I was...and it fell...and, God I'm so sorry. Whatever it cost, just let me know, I'll give you the money for it. I'm just sorry, sorry, I'm sorry." She stayed squatted on the floor, just looking at the broken pile and began to shake. Great. She was crying. Naked and crying. And he was standing there, the idiot klutz, working on another Scully-induced hard-on. He couldn't decide whether or not to join her on the floor to comfort her. First because he felt like such an ass and second, she was fucking naked. Then she made a noise. The strangest noise he could ever remember her making, aside from the ones she'd made when he brought her to orgasm in the hospital. It was like an inhaled scream that got caught in her chest. Kind of like the noise a horse makes or may